"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's May 2017, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

running that is awful. why is your DM allowed into your house if you are not allowed into hers? was my first thought reading that. It sounds like she has treated / is treating you terribly.

chest thank you. I am surprised they gave you someone who is newly qualified when it was agreed that you needed someone experienced - yes, we had discussed that for free, I could have someone with less experience but would have to wait, or for £40-50/hr someone more experienced, so I was suprised - and if I'm honest a bit angry - to find that bit out. She only got a degree last year, and said she's been working with clients since 2014, but that's since the start of her degree, not since qualifying. So I felt a bit ripped off at that point. When I was just out of Uni I was on more like £10-14/hr - because I needed to build experience, and that's what you get paid for really? And, it might explain why I didn't feel so confident in her from the beginning?

it's really important to get a session at the right time of day - honestly, I've spent the rest of the day unable to think straight at work at all. I walked for an hour after the session, but still felt/feel like I've been struck by a wrecking ball, that's the best way to describe it. I don't think it's going to work at all having a session first thing on a Monday morning. It was really clear from the first assessment that we were going to be covering quite traumatic stuff. I can't be like that at work one day a week.

Otherwise she is exposing you to trauma work without any way to contain it or cope with it, and that can be really dangerous - the trouble is, I'm already experiencing that, going through life like a pressure cooker and it is already spilling out, including around my small daughter. It's partly why I've decided to pay, because noone on the NHS was listening to me despite me saying that.

Not sure what her approach is, actually - she said 'holistic', that she uses a combination of therapies.

What I'm looking for - someone to help me unlock stuff and put it to rest, move on. I feel like I've spent my whole life living certain things in my head over and over again, living my DM's relationships not my own. I've done some reading, watched Richard Grannon etc - but feel stuck. I was someone intelligent/intellectual who can discuss the theory of this stuff in a detailed way with me (not use platitudes and 'there, there' which is what I felt she was kind of doing today), and help me apply it in a way that works to move on. And highlight the stuff I can't see.

Running I hope the psychotherapy is going well. I can't believe that your M is still criticising you and your job choices when she has failed so enormously herself as a parent.

No, your M couldn't be expected to foresee that your childminder would sexually abuse you (although a good mother would have done at least some cursory checking before leaving you with them) but you should have felt able to confide in her after it happened - did you feel able to? Would it have made a difference if you had - would she have listened or helped? Because if you didn't/she wouldn't, that is still a failing on her part.

Speaking as someone who's LC I think you'd find NC actually easier, because as toomuch said you never get to hear about the fallout.

Also just as an aside, just because someone's a headteacher doesn't make them any less likely to be nuts than anyone else. I'm a former teacher and I've worked for my fair share of crazy bosses. Chances are your M's staff/former staff have a fair idea of what she's really like.

Hi again. I was actually going to back off for a couple of weeks cos I thought I was getting too over-obsessive with the social media. Glad I didn't.

champagne that's exactly what I thought re the therapy. Seemed 'nice' in the free session and is meant to be specialist in trauma. But didn't actually ask much about what I wanted out of it and then proceeded to spend first 2 sessions ploughing through assessments I'd already said I didn't want. I don't need a diagnosis , because I don't want medication/ I said I'm not in an acute phase/ what would I do with it / mixed feelings about labels ?

I hate those quantitative form filling assessments [ on a scale of 1 to 5, how would you answer this question ] etc. Pardon ? And putting simplistic labels onto traumatic life events , well. Made me feel really switched off - and I could feel myself disassociating and becoming annoyed . Not good.

I also want and need an analytical and intellectual approach. Because I've done a lot of reading, was a mental health worker, and I'm not daft . I did say all of this. From the off. Just because your counsellor has an MA doesn't mean she can raise her game. It's not that simple - or I'd have a PhD. One of my learnings from my recent experience is that [next time?] I'll be extremely clear about this and bow out a lot quicker if unhappy. The 'bad feeling' is key. Counselling may be about knowledge, but it's mainly about empathy - and listening.

I would actually advise listening to your gut feeling, and if that means cancelling before Monday then do that. Or in effect this is also a form of abuse ?? She's not listening, you're feeling like shit and you are worrying. Grrrr

I need some advice Stately Homers.

Just got a phone message from M to say she has broken her ankle. She is 76, usually active, usually drives, very sociable and has quite a circle of friends.

Haven't rung her back yet - am going to do so this evening.

The problem is this is a huge trigger for me. When I was 16 she ripped a tendon in her leg and had to have an operation. It was just before my O levels, so because I was on study leave and was at home I ended up doing all the cooking, cleaning etc. I always remember it as being a really miserable time as I had no support or encouragement from her (even though most of the time she was just immobile, not actually 'ill') or DF (who just used to come home and ask what was for tea) and I really struggled with all the housework (flooded the kitchen one day just trying to get the washing done) as well as trying to cope with the exams. I was, I realise now, really angry at the whole situation but felt unable to say so to anyone, not even my friends at school. Instead I took out my anger by thumping out a piece on the piano over and over (sounds so very middle class but M was a piano teacher so I always played).

So I know the expectation is that I will ring my M back and offer sympathy and help but actually my real feelings are that because of our relationship generally I don't want to. I can't untangle a reasonable response from the mess. She lives 100 miles away and on my side we're LC. I know full well she'll be hoping I'll dash down there to 'help' and cheer her up. My gut feeling is I don't like her very much and I don't want to but duty is telling me I should.

Anyone got any idea how I can look at this in a way that helps me work out how to a) manage the trigger and b) respond in a way that respects the integrity of my feelings without being a total cow about it?

I would not rush into contacting her directly and would maintain distance both physical and mental. How is so sure that she has broken her ankle anyway?. She may well have done that but me being cynical here thinks that its not as serious as she describes. For such disordered people contact is the reward, she wants to raise your already low contact level higher.

Sod feeling dutiful here; that is your own fear, obligation and guilt talking. Its not deserved in your parents case and I certainly would not drive 100 miles in order to see her either. You really owe these people nothing.

Attila thank you. I don't actually think she'd be making it up. It's not her style and would easily be exposed by other members of the family. It would however be fully in character to overdo the 'poor me' bit, although to be fair breaking an ankle and temporarily losing your mobility IS quite a big deal at any age.

I am already branded the 'unsympathetic one' of the family (I'm not unsympathetic, I'm just no longer codependent - of course because pretty much everyone else in the family has codependency issues I am alone in that belief) so in a way I can't sink any lower in that respect in her eyes. But at the same time I don't want to be completely unreasonable.

Hi spare. I can only say that I had a similar scenario before Xmas. Even though there are quite a few siblings we were all expected to take it in turns 24/7. I didn't feel I could let the rest down, even though it seemed totally OTT. I also live 100+ miles away. She treated me like a servant - and trigger alert - reverted to treating me like she did when I was a kid. Lectured me and even gave me money, talk about throwing care back in your face ! Ultimately, because I dared to not agree with everything she said she lashed out and I had a panic attack. That's the last time I've been to visit.

Soooo ... I would say this situation is ideal territory for regression. She'll feel justified in acting out as she's 'sick'. You'll be tying yourself in knots of FOG.

I would imagine that most well adapted people might say " oh, that's a shame, what equipment did they give you ?, can someone arrange supermarket deliveries until you can go shopping [ praise IT literate friends ] ? , I bet your friends are coming round to see you all the time ? It's a shame that we live so far away - could we come and visit ?[ insert weekend here] - WE will have to come back for work, I know you'll understand". Don't go alone if it's going to be difficult.

Have you family at home, that know they need to support you ? You could offer to ring as frequently as you can stand it ? If she ramps up, offer to ring the Council and arrange an emergency button [ around £15 a month] and would she like you to look into home care for a while ?

"It would however be fully in character to overdo the 'poor me' bit, although to be fair breaking an ankle and temporarily losing your mobility IS quite a big deal at any age".

Indeed it is but she's certainly got an opportunity here to go overboard on the poor me shtick (my MIL here would do the self same poor me act and indeed has done not so long ago as well). Do not give it credence.

I would not get drawn into any long and protracted conversation with her; if you do phone I would keep it to a minimum and if she mentions a visit tell her that its not possible at this time. I would not worry myself unduly about what the rest of the family think about you; such people really do need to be ignored as they have only acted in their own self interests. You are therefore well out of it.

Would she be as dutiful to you if the positions were reversed; I doubt it very much actually.

make thanks.. I just went back and spoke to the original lady today. I don't think the therapist was mean/wrong, in fact was well intentioned, trying hard.. maybe there is something in me that recognised her vulnerability actually, and might even have rejected that? found myself asking, do i want a therapist who is superhuman, who that doesn't exist?

she did listen, a lot.. which has to be better than someone who doesn't.

Anyway I had to say it wasn't working based on the time of day, and ask for something in late afternoon, so I can at least recover before going into work again.

The lady who did the assessment would be a great therapist I think, but charges £75/hour .. I don't think I can afford that, it's a shame.

They said that for low cost (£15-30/hour) you only get someone who is still training, or for £40 and above someone who is fully qualified. For £75 someone very experienced. Does that sound about right?

Attila you're right that I need to preserve some distance in whatever way I can.

Makealist thank you so much - that is really helpful. Not least because you just understood where I was coming from. I think I'll write some of those phrases down to have by me when I ring. I know what her response will be to some of them - 'I don't like to ask so-and-so...' but I think I will just have to say that she'll have to be brave if she wants the help.

You are spot on about it being ideal territory for regression. Hopefully recognising that fact will in itself help?

Now I'm a bit calmer I've realised we are actually pretty busy over the next few weekends taking DD to uni open days and other stuff, all of which is booked and un-get-out-of-able, and I can't get down there in the week because of work commitments, so realistically arm's-length help is all I'll actually be able to manage anyway.

As you experienced too, I think this will all be complicated by whatever DSis's reaction is. I haven't got as far as finding that out yet.

Wow ! Good luck with the uni open days. Safe journey and I hope she likes at least one of them.

Champagne - I paid £45/hour. Not cheap , eh ?

Spare as always great advice from Atilla and Make.

I feel anxious for you having direct contact. I don't know if this is good advice but maybe a get well card, with a grey rock type message - the type you'd send to a colleague? "Sorry to hear you're in the wars, get well soon, all the best Spare"

Even if you relocated to be with her, cooked, cleaned and even bathed her - I'm pretty sure that you'd still be the unsympathetic one, that's your role and it suits everyone cos it means it's not them.

Use it to your advantage and protect yourself I reckon.

Champagne Therapy is tricky at the best of times, especially for people like us who have been groomed to not trust our I and feel guilty if we don't 'people please'.

While I am wary of trainee therapists I'm also not sure if a £75 therapist is any guarantee of success either.

I'm currently looking and am thinking of an actual psychiatrist who specialises in Complex PTSD, I figure one good session per month or two is better than an average session per week, idk though.

I've also heard that EMDR is good, but I know there are mixed opinions on that.

Sorry not really helpful but just know, it's not you.

*people like us who have been groomed to not trust our instincts - although "I" kind of works too tbh.

Thank you famsham. Yes, grey rocking is exactly the way to go I think.

Update: I spoke to her last night and at the moment she is still on quite a 'high' from all the attention as the fall that caused it happened at a social event so she's been inundated with offers of help. This made things a lot easier for me. I used all of make's really helpful phrases plus some suggestions of my own (DH broke his leg a few years back so we had some practical ideas to help her cope). I am going to ring more frequently than I was doing, but no plans to go down there at the moment.

Thank you to everybody who responded - it was the trigger to the event in the past that caused me the most problems I think. I find it hard to work out what a 'normal' person would do or say because I am stuck in the FOG and when I try to explain this concept to DH he just looks at me as if I'm a bit odd, so it was enormously helpful to have people understand what I was feeling.

TBH, all I was doing was to try to think what people would normally do and say - rather than the way we, as bought up to be codependent, do. If your OH thinks that rushing off to mum-sit is a bit odd, he's probably a good person to get alternative behaviour advice from ! People who love us can end up humouring us and going along with things - I know, for good - or bad , as in the long run it probably doesn't help

Also, easier to give advice than do it, so you're very brave. My dominant MIL is having a new knee , and so the 3 adult siblings are each travelling 100s of miles to support - FIL really ? I'll go with DH to support him - and no doubt get a list of jobs when I get there. We didn't supply DGs so that's my role - so synchronised . And

Champagne well done going back and asking them about it. How do you feel about it all today?

£75/ hr is a lot. Standard amount is £45-50, and a lot of therapists work on a sliding scale depending on the client's ability to pay. Mine is very experienced and specialist, and charges £30-50 sliding scale and the client decides what they can afford. Mine also does voluntary work - there are organisations like Mind that do free or very cheap therapy. But it is usually only 6-10 sessions and it sounds like you want/ need long term. I would want to know why this therapist is charging so much more than the standard rate! And what other therapists are there at the centre? Surely not just the newly qualified one or the expensive one?! Are there any other counselling centres you could try? Look on the BAPCA website - some therapists operate independently of a centre.

In terms of the whole thing of diving straight in versus staying safe. I get it. I really do. I get that you're a pressure cooker and need to get stuck in. And I absolutely agree that if you don't find the questionnaires/ initial bit helpful then you shouldn't be doing it, it's your therapy and it's up to you. I have to counter you a little though and say that the fact that you are a pressure cooker now is exactly why it is so important to work on safety, containment, trust in the therapeutic relationship, coping strategies, support, etc. Trauma work is hard going and you need to have the resources to cope with it. But as I said the two can (and should, and did/ do for me) work in tandem - safety work and trauma work - and if you need to get stuck in from the first session, that is precisely what you should do. Alongside the other stuff. I know it's not what you want to hear but I feel I have to say it, I hope that's OK.

Hope you can get it sorted, it's hard when you take that step and then it takes some negotiating and trial and error. Hope I've been helpful in what I've said.

Toomuch mine is person centred psychotherapy. Very much about the therapeutic relationship as the foundation. In a way you kind of redo your initial attachment through the therapeutic relationship. And do all the trauma work in that safe space of unconditional acceptance. It's non directive so it follows whatever I want to do or talk about or work on, but equally there have been times when I have asked for direction or education. Sometimes I need them to just listen. Sometimes I need that discussion, intelligent feedback, you know, and I ask for that. I think the flexibility is a key thing. And feeling safe enough to communicate what I need.

Of course we are all different and I don't mean to sound like this is the only way. Not at all! But this works very well for me and I can't speak highly enough about it really. And the research does really support this type of therapy for real, sustained, genuine change and healing.

Sorry - edit - Bapca is for person centred - there are other websites with lists of therapists, eg BACP. :)

Hi everyone. Hope you are all OK.

The latest for me is that I have been somewhat in favour with M this week. After my sibling was a dick the other week, I ended up telling M about it. To set the record straight as sibling had said a load of shit about what had happened. I don't know if it's because I told her that stuff or if it's other circumstances but she has been so warm with me in phone calls.

Ironically I find this almost unbearable. I can't trust it and I get lost in spasms of anxiety and guilt for ever having thought anything bad about her. I want to just enjoy it and I feel ungrateful. I find the inconsistency and unpredictability really hard. And how do you take control of that? It makes me powerless.

I guess it all balances out though because both siblings are cold towards me now!

Hi chest. I have no advice other than to be very careful. My M was always nice when I acted as if I needed her, ie confiding in her about any worries and/or needing her help. It feeds their narc needs so you get to see their 'nice' side.

As I'm sure you know, that can soon change . But you have nothing to feel guilty for - you only have those bad feelings because she has treated you badly. A few days of her saying the right things doesn't change that.

I've been reading the conversations about therapy and all the different types, what's right for you, etc. When the shit hit the fan a couple of months ago I felt so shocked and all over the place that I booked an appointment to see a therapist - first appt is in a couple of weeks. I hadn't thought much more about it (I've never had counselling before) but now I'm wondering if I'm walking in blind when I should know what I want from it, what type of help, etc? Because I don't know any of that. I feel a lot calmer than when it all first happened, and I think I understand why it did (I've been reading a lot of books on the subject!). So I'm not sure what I want a counsellor to do for me, and that there are probably people more in need of it than I am, like I'm a bit of a fraud. Does that make sense?

Chest

Be very careful; I think your mother is now setting you up to do something really nasty to you. These people are past masters of, "come closer so I can hurt you again".

Its not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist; never forget that.

It's very hard to have a simple, uncomplicated good time with a narcissist. Except for odd spells of heady euphoria unrelated to anything you can see, their affective range is mediocre-fake-normal to hell-on-Earth. They will sometimes lie low and be quiet, actually passive and dependent -- this is as good as it gets with narcissists. They are incapable of loving conduct towards anyone or anything, so they do not have the capacity for simple pleasure, beyond the satisfaction of bodily needs. There is only one way to please a narcissist (and it won't please you): that is to indulge their every whim, cater to their tiniest impulses, bend to their views on every little thing. There's only one way to get decent treatment from narcissists: keep your distance. They can be pretty nice, even charming, flirtatious, and seductive, to strangers, and will flatter you shamelessly if they want something from you. When you attempt to get close to them in a normal way, they feel you are putting emotional pressure on them and they withdraw because you're too demanding. They can be positively fawning and solicitous as long as they're afraid of you, which is not most people's idea of a real fun relationship.

Flump do you think it might be your conditioning that makes you feel like a fraud re. counselling? I only say that because I've always had a feeling that somehow I don't 'deserve' counselling in the sense that I feel I'd be wasting family money on something not very important. But in the last few weeks I've begun to wonder if that is my upbringing talking.

Chest I'm another one who wouldn't trust your M. I'm not sure how you take control - backing away, maybe? Maintaining your boundaries? It's a tough one.

Spare that's interesting - there is actually a little voice in my head telling me I'm being a drama queen by having counselling... it's hard not to listen to it though.

RE: therapy - the pressure cooker thing is particularly hard when you are trying to find a therapist? I've had a conversation about 'why' I am looking for therapy a number of times, and that in itself has been enough to trigger a strong emotional reaction from me. It takes at least 24 hours to 'recover' each time. But when you are still trying to find a therapist, you don't get actual therapy, any kind of solution to help with the things you are describing, even to contain it. I feel for me, this has not been a good thing and the result is my strong emotions once unlocked have gone out over my daughter. I don't like that at all. Without access to help, I'm not sure what you do about it.

Chest take heed of Atilla and Spare

both siblings are cold towards me now Ah, classic triangulation...

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/triangulation/

The only way to win is not to play

So I was so totally sidetracked by the flying monkey thing that I missed the massive fail that came later. I've now had crazy amounts of msgs of support from people who are shocked at how this person has been treating me. I feel so liberated from the shackles of silence.