"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's May 2017, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

I've never posted here before but I've been a regular readers for months. Hope it's ok to post. I'm in bed crying because I've finally admitted to myself that my mother is an emotionally and financially abusive narcissist who will never respect me or see me as anything other than a slave or meal ticket. And at 29 years old I'm still living with her purely put of guilt and obligation. I've wasted my entire life, developed MH and alcohol issues because of her treatment of me. I'm nearly 30 and I may as well be 12 for all I have to show for it

I am moving out though. I wasn't sure (guilt) but now I've decided and luckily I've got the finances set aside to move very quickly. Trying to see this as a new chapter instead of regretting letting her take over my life

Solidasarock

"Listen" to Flying Monkeys. Don't react. Then ask if they feel strongly about this. When they agree, point out they reached this conclusion without asking about your needs, so you aren't interested in what they have to say. End conversation.

FMs also ultimately have to be ignored as well. They are acting solely in their own interests and certainly not yours.

Thanks for your reply Meerkat. DH was keen to defend our position and he spoke about popping round to set the record straight. I am not too fussed if he does but ultimately I feel it would be better to ignore. I can see why he would want to though.

Solid I don't have any experience of FMs but hopefully someone else will have some advice.

NC I think regret is natural, you're going to feel it, it'll come and go. And there are big changes coming for you and some of it will be difficult. And you are carrying around the long term effects of the trauma of your childhood and the abuse you're still suffering.
But. But. See when you get out, see when you shut the door of your own room and you realise you have this space, it's yours, and you can do whatever you want... it's the best feeling in the world. And you're not old. You have a life ahead of you. It is going to be so much better than what went before.

Doh massive crosspost. Morning all!

hello :) I've dipped in and out of the Stately Homes thread over the years, but I think it's finally time to buy a season ticket and settle down for a cuppa in the cafe.

The proverbial has hit the fan this week and I've ended up being signed off with stress for a month.I find I am full of rage and guilt and need to find a way of working through the mess so that I can come out the other side.

Briefly, I'm the eldest of two sisters to an un-interested father (who is alive but with severe dementia, so not really here) and a mother who has had lifelong untreated mental health issues (we suspect biploar disorder). Trying to deal with the fallout of M's declining mental health which has reached crisis point this week.

I've had a poor relationship with my sister and have come to realise our experiences of our childhood are very different. I was golden child, they were the scapegoat (although that has changed over the years). I was provided for physically, although perhaps not as well as it should have been emotionally, whereas sibling was at best verbally abused and emotionally neglected.... My mother has been controlling the information between us for years and has told outright lies to each of us.

I am furious at her for what she's done, for not admitting there is a problem or accepting help (even now it's being forced on her!).

I am angry at my Dad for enabling her. I think he's been acting as a peacemaker for years to keep her calm, maybe he's done as much as he was able. He never explained to us though and now he can't.

And now we've finally started talking, I feel so very, very guilty that I didn't realise how bad things were for my sister. How I left home and didn't look back, didn't ask how she was, didn't do anything to help. What she has achieved in her life, with the shit she has put up with is extraordinary.

How has it taken me so long to realise it was so bad? :( and how do you even begin to fix it?

Hi. I feel I should be reassuring people with their own problems, but I need to get this out. I've cancelled my counselling this morning. [ nicely] I haven't felt comfortable with it from the off, tbh. Too much form filling and [silly?] quantitative exercises - I kept wondering when we'll actually start with what I keep saying i want to address - which isn't actually the past, but the future. I know about the past, I don't want to do anything daft re my future. I can feel myself withdrawing already internally. And disassociating. Not good to be using survival mechanisms , so .... restart. I'll use my hard earned cash to buy books instead. Pick and choose from the info.

Problem is, even though my head says this is the right thing, objectively , the old conditioning still kicks in and now I feel depressed useless and rudderless, tearful. Failed again. Whenever I do something that goes wrong, this stuff comes up. So have to get busy, busy busy - and try not to think. I've got my Northern Soul on loud. Self pity ?? Maybe.

PS the deleted post was a cock up on my part. Put my name in ! Nothing significant really but made me feel even more daft. Do other [normal] people beat themselves up so much when they make mistakes ? Sometimes it seems easier just to remain below the radar . But I don't want to any longer really. . So maybe I need to learn to woman - up. Thanks.

Any good book suggestions re contact or not with dysfunctional family members please ? [ LC/NC] Disclosure/ non disclosure ? Things to mention, things not to ?

Makealist first off, posting on here isn't at all user friendly IMO and I'm forever panicking that I've replied to the wrong person or whatever because it's so hard to check back. So don't beat yourself up about the lost post... Regarding stopping therapy, it sounds to me like your therapist has failed, not you? Surely their job is to be led by what you want to get out of the sessions and that hasn't happened? I don't really have helpful book suggestions about LC or NC but did find something useful yesterday online on a blog called captainawkward.com that was referenced in the raisedbynarcissists section on Reddit. Can't find the exact link today, sorry.

forgotten my situation is similar to yours but back-to-front (MH issues with DF, now dead; codependent DM very much alive and kicking and possibly NPD; GC sister, me alternately the rescuer/scapegoat.) It's great that you are now talking to your sister. Keep talking and listening to each other - not really advice because you're doing it already but I think you need to get all the junk out in the open first. DSis and I do a lot of moaning to each other re our M..

Make It doesn't sound like a fail to me, it sounds like you made an informed choice based on the way you feel. For children like us a failure would have been if you'd have gone along with the sessions because you thought that was what was expected of you or because you thought that would please the counsellor or because you didn't want to let them down.

Do you think that you might be feeling uncomfortable feelings because you've exercised free will? I'm only asking because when I even think about making a decision, even though I know logically that it's the right one for me, I feel terribly guilty and have a tendency to beat myself up.

makealist further to my last post, what I found yesterday was somewhere (?!) on this list I think. captainawkward.com/archives/

Hi. I've saved that weblink. Thanks! Will have a plough through.

i felt better once I posted. Thank you all.

I don't want to hurt her feelings. Her methods are just not for me. I will be more careful in future. The failure was partly due to rushing in overenthusiastically and wanting her to like me, so not challenging more assertively when I should have ? Rather than expecting her to be empathic. I do have a tendency to think people should just 'realise' things.
I suppose that fits in with the perpetual expectation that people should recognise my feelings / thoughts even if I don't push things too loudly. But of course a lot of people don't. The squeaky wheel is the one that gets heard , as they say.
So not a free will conundrum but one to do with insecurity.

treacle. I've been reading the Out of the Fog forum. My M is definitely an 'ignoring' parent , not an enmeshed one. She got a bit rattled when I started counselling, but quickly decided that there is no use in worrying about 'mistakes' from the past so she'd better [mindfully] compassionately look after herself [ as usual] . Haven't heard a dicky bird since. Which is great.
I don't have the problem of not being able to exert free will, just the one where you have had to make all your own decisions from a very early age - whilst not knowing whether they were the best ones . Or the alternatives. As my M would say, it's no use asking me. She knows everything now though , when I don't actually need the 'advice'.

Sorry. awake in the night. Woke thinking about how to respond to counsellor's query re cancelling. Thought maybe might be useful to share ?

I am going to respond - but will stick to saying that --
a] in future I will have to be more assertive when discussing what I want [ especially as I'm paying, tbh]. I don't like not knowing what the plan of action is [ control freak]and I need to be able to define what my aim is from the off.I'm quite very analytical
b] that I think I'm past the acute all-emotion, can't think properly, stage that I've had counselling for in the past? [ the hour of bleuhhh just talking to yourself , feeling better and carrying on type of session]. I'm doing all that here already - now I want to move on.Even though I may have the odd emotional flashback [ like yesterday] to muddy the waters.*

i think that on this forum , we are already doing this sort of work - thinking, evaluating and re-evaluating, supporting, getting advice, reading and listening. So maybe this might be a theme when contemplating therapy ? Any counsellor would need to be able to realise that we have a handle already on some theories and diagnoses e.g CPTSD . so not an expert but not a newbie to abuse ideas either.

**[PS this is how I define an emotional flashback = an emotional response that is out of proportion to an event - and illogical . You can't control your feelings even when the objective side of your brain is going WTF!]. Old conditioned responses, over-riding everything

Back to bed !

makealist that sounds like an excellent response, you've given her something to work with. It sounds like she was sort of fitting you into her process and that there was no option but to start from zero. I had similar problems with a therapist and also stopped going - it is bruising, I find, it's like a mini breakup or something.

forgotten you were a child when it all went down, it wasn't your job to look after your sister even if you had known what she was going through, which you didn't. You're already miles ahead of most golden children, because now that you realise how it was, you're willing to break the silence. There are a few people on here with golden child siblings who might be able to advise you.

makealist also this from Reddit. www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/2xsk46/what_are_your_best_tips_on_going_very_low_contact/?utm_source=amp&utm_medium=comment_header

Hi everyone, I have just found this thread and think I may need support from other who may have been in similar circumstances.

I posted this last night but haven't had a reply:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2950961-Family-of-origin-issues

I just don't know what to do with it all, that post is actually just the tip of the iceberg of what went on in my childhood, domestic abuse, being ignored by a parent, not supported by the other. I seen on Facebook last night that my family had a gathering that I wasn't invited to. May have been an oversight but staying off Facebook just leads to constant questioning of why all these things have happened. How do you sort all this? No idea why now it's such a big issue either. Didn't even cross my mind for years and years ❤️ To everyone going through this

Hi toomuch that was definitely the problem. It should be MY show I think, not a rote exercise. And I felt again like a child. So now I can gaily spend that freed up money on books, without worrying that if a book is no good it's a waste. Now - where to put them ?

loopy I have to go out in a minute , but will reply later. I know exactly where you're coming from. You are me ! PS I started a thread in the feminist area , got no responses at all and 'hid' it because I thought I'd somehow made a booboo. You've found the right place now

spare saved that Reddit [ new one on me] link to read later. Thanks

I hope it's OK to post what I'm about to post, it's actually a huge thank you....

Have added to these threads over the years with a number of different user names. Unfailingly, the support has been both wise and kind, which helped so much to change the way I felt about my relationship with my mother. Earlier this year she became ill, and that in itself raised lots of difficult feelings. Visiting, only to be subjected to some really nasty abuse, made life really hard and during this time, there was some great advice on here about how to deal with that, whilst at the same time maintaining contact to assuage my guilt.

Anyway, fast forward and she has now died. There was a time at work following her death when I broke down with guilt for being the 'bad daughter' but luckily I was surrounded by people like you lovely lot, who pointed out that the guilt should have been entirely hers. Am now feeling so much better, and - this is where I wasn't sure whether to post or not - the relief is astonishing. For the first time in about 30 years, my stomach isnt churning thinking about her judging me, or hoping for a teeny crumb of love in amongst a load of judgemental comments.

There is sadness, but only that the relationship wasn't what it should have been, and guess what, that wasn't my fault. All those times when she threatened me with being put in a children's home and in particular that time when she made me walk to the post box with her so she could actually post the letter to the children's home to have me taken away, well I'm free of all that fear now. And it feels lovely.

Thank you for all your advice and care everyone, you've helped me to see things very differently.

loopylou, I replied over on your other thread. Hello!

onthehighseas, for... well, for what loss it was, and for the difficult feelings that it's stirred up for you.
I'm really grateful that you came on and told us about your experience, especially about the relief. I'm 2 years NC with my mother and I can't see any way to believe I did the wrong thing - she's emotionally abusive, I have two small kids - but you hear people saying "oh but you'll regret it when she dies" and I think, well I don't feel at all like I will, but how can I prove it either way other than waiting till she's dead? It is really validating to hear that you feel relief right now. That's what I expect to feel as well.

Have just had what was supposed to be a first paid-for therapy session this morning. Not sure what to make or it or whether to continue with this therapist. Have never had one before, only an initial assessment (where I got on with the assessor very well, which is why I decided to go ahead with it). How do you know you have found the right one?

Things I didn't like/not sure about, with this lady:

• didn't really get the sense she had read the notes from the original assessment, and wanted to start from scratch so I felt like I had wasted the £30 for the original assessment and risked wasting another £40 on a new assessment, and possibly more if she wasn't going to be right for me
• only got her degree last year and is taking a Masters now, when the agreement was they would find someone experienced not newly qualified (that was the reason for paying and not going with a free service)
• right from the first 'hello' I thought 'she's not right' - instinct?
• her approach seemed vague/patronising - I think she was intending to be kind and say the right things but it didn't instil me with confidence (examples 'oh I can see you need some space' 'well when we keep things bottled up inside we become like a pressure cooker..')

I was expecting someone more.. intellectual? After about 20 minutes I felt pretty frustrated, and was honest and said so. At that point she said that normally she offered assessment sessions free of charge, so would do the same for this one (it would have put us on a better footing, if she had done that first). She said she wasn't doing it for the money and wanted to help. I did say that I didn't want her to feel I don't value her service, and she insisted it was her choice to make it free of charge.

For the next 30 minutes, she asked me a few questions about my family, and I answered them, though it was upsetting to 're-live' it all yet again.

I asked what she would suggest if we continue with sessions and she suggested looking further at things like attachment theory, my relationships since early childhood, my sense of self. This kind of reflects my amateur self-diagnosis which revolves around things like Richard Grannon's C-ptsd, anxiety/depression, bipolar/borderline sorts of traits, with a few OCD traits.

Just not sure what to make of the session. It was a bit disappointing. The pace was slow. The initial assessment had gone so well, we had seemed to click so I admit I had high hopes, I was expecting to dive right in and start really exploring stuff in detail. I was expecting a therapist to confidently lead me and don't feel she did that.

They have given me an appointment first thing on a Monday morning, and I have to go straight to work after crying my eyes out, which isn't great. Would much prefer one at the end of the day, which this therapist doesn't have.

At the same time, am not wanting to reject this lady or the Centre. I realise there may be something in me that is critical/rejecting the therapy even?

If anyone on here is an experienced therapist or has experienced in choosing a therapist that works for them, would appreciate any thoughts.

Hi

I'm new here. I'm currently undergoing psychotherapy (my 3rd attempt as I get overwhelmed, got to 2 sessions when I was 18, 5 sessions four months ago and am on session 8 with the new tpsychotherapist now).

My mum is a narc, my dad an enabler and brother the golden child, i'm the scapegoat. My mum is also a hoarder and lives in an absolute tip. Think of those hoarding tv programmes on channel 4 and you're along the right track. Except she's a very high functioning narc, she's a headteacher so nobody would believe that she lives in a dump. I've not actually been allowed entry into the home since i was 22/23 when she pretended to be out and left me sat on the doorstep for 3 hours with my suitcase. Eventually she checked me into a hotel.

The issues in the family are quite complex and are a mix of physical/emotional neglect (not having the right/enough foods), being a latch key kid and looking after my little brother, belittling, rages, her driving off if in a rage and coming back after hours and hours if I hadn't done something right and saying she was never coming back age 8/9 and leaving me with my distraught 4 year old brother, the filth we lived in. Telling us if we didn't go to bed and stay in bed the devil would come and get us. Not able to have friends over because a)it was a dump and b) she'd go mad. This made it difficult to have ongoing friendships at school. Telling me I was stupid like my father. Picking two chain smoking unqualified, elderly childminders to look after us, one of whom turned out to be a paedaphile and he sexually abused me when I was 9, I guess she couldnt have foreseen that and maybe informal childcare wasn't a big deal back then. Going to Uni and she packed every single item I ever owned and crammed it into the car. I couldn't even fit it into the room and she went crazy when I started throwing stuff away.

All my family live in fear of her. I couldn't tell her I did Sociology A Level when I got an A because I was meant to be studying Biology. My brother failed his A levels, told her he'd passed and then tried to commit suicide and she found him. Again because he couldn't tell her. My dad pretended to be going to work everyday when he got made redundant because he didn't know how to tell her. It's just crazy...

Shes so disappointed in me and my career choices. Only talks about herself and her job. Treats my home like a hotel and brings bags and bags of work stuff with her and dumps it in my lounge.

The psychotherapist asked me today why would you want to have a relationship with your mum who rejects, belittles and abuses you. I said I dont know...Because I want her to love me? How do you start to become no contact? I've already been trying to limit contact with her which is exhausting because she senses it. Not sure i'm ready for the fall out of going completely no contact.

Hi champagne. I have been in therapy for many years with an excellent therapist who has been utterly life changing (and have also seen a bunch of crap therapists too before that!) So I thought I'd give my two cents.

First of all, trust your instincts. Your feelings are telling you something and you should listen to that. You should click with a therapist, it shouldn't feel clunky or the wrong pace.

Secondly, don't do this out of obligation or guilt. You owe this therapist nothing. This is their job. If you don't click, that's not a personal rejection of them. You are doing this therapy for you, not for them. So make the decision that's right for you.

Thirdly, you can talk to the therapist about this stuff. You can say you want them to be more psychoeducational/ intellectual/ directive/ specific in feedback. They should be able to take that in board and adapt themselves to that and follow your lead/ your wishes.

Fourthly, I am surprised they gave you someone who is newly qualified when it was agreed that you needed someone experienced. You could take this up with the centre or the assessor, and ask to be given a different therapist who has experience in the relevant areas. This is important. This isn't you being awkward, it makes a lot of difference. If you did click with the current one you could request that she does extra reading or training or gets a supervisor who is experienced in the relevant area.

Fifthly, it's really important to get a session at the right time of day. It's a dreadful idea to give you a session and then send you off to work, especially if you will be doing trauma work. You need time and space to recover from a therapy session. If she doesn't have slots, again this is a good reason to speak to the centre and ask which therapists do have availability at an appropriate time. This again isn't being awkward. This is about safety and containment.

Finally, I would also say that therapy can be slow. It should be, as it needs to give time to fully feel and process and explore. It's not a place to whizz through and intellectualise and tick off things. Although having said that, it certainly can be those things too, especially at the start when you are finding your rhythm and building a relationship with the therapist. In terms of jumping in at the deep end - your therapist would be irresponsible if she let you do this. You have to build a foundation of trust and coping mechanisms first. Otherwise she is exposing you to trauma work without any way to contain it or cope with it, and that can be really dangerous. But it's not clear cut, you can do deep stuff at the same time as the foundational stuff, and if you wanted to talk about deeper stuff today she should have allowed you to do that.

What is her approach? (Psychoanalysis, person centred psychotherapy, etc) That makes a huge difference.

And what are you hoping for? (Trauma work, coping strategies, short term, long term)

Hope that helps. You were really brave going today xx

chest what is your experience with the various schools of therapy? I'm with someone who is person centered and I do find it slow sometimes. I tried with someone who was more directed but then it was too directed and I found he was making all sorts of "insightful" guesses about things that were wrong, and then he started saying I was resistant to therapy, and then he cancelled a session at short notice and then didn't get back in touch for like 6 weeks (in fact he never got in touch, I just emailed him to say I was finding a new therapist). Writing that all out, I realise he was actually really shit! I do the thing that I guess a lot of us do, where I am never really sure whether my anger is justified. But he was really crap, wasn't he?

running the great thing about NC is that when they go batshit crazy, you aren't there to hear it. You just need to take steps to ensure she can't contact you - block her number, etc. You don't need to take care of her feelings on this one, you just need to make sure that they don't blow back onto you. What's the situation with your dad, is he still with her? If so and you want to still be in contact then it is a bit more complicated. I only copped on to what was up after my dad died, I don't know what I'd have done if he was still alive.