"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's May 2017, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Chocolate, how did it go this morning?

I've been and seen the CPN, but I never mentioned about the 'bed incident'. We were mostly talking about the side effects of my medication (Trazodone) and she agreed it's not working for me, so she will speak to the Psychiatrist tomorrow and see what he says.

She is really lovely and very easy to talk to, but because I was referred to her as part of the Crisis Team (because I was suicidal) she will only see me until Psychology takes over, so I think she doesn't want to delve too deeply into my past.

I am feeling really upset this afternoon. I mentioned that I haven't heard anything at all from my sister and that I feel hurt by it.

I am sat here having a drink and I never really drink. Last time I had two glasses of wine was back in March, when I was out with my in-laws and Scotland were playing England in the rugby.

I so want to not care. I would give so much for that.

Hope you had a good session.

Hi toomuch, that's really good that you can speak German already after just two years. German is a difficult language to learn I think, especially compared to English.

You are right with the reservedness I think; that's why German people sometimes come across as rude I guess whereas British people seem to be more outgoing. Do you think you will ever move back to Scotland?

I am going to check out your blog.

Hope you had a good day

Sorry toomuch, that was a bit of a cr@p message.

Must be because I'm having a drink or two and I don't normally drink.

Aww toomuch, I have just checked out your blog. You have twin girls? That is so lovely.

When I was pregnant I was kind of hoping for twins (they run in my family).

I am so upset. I want to stop thinking about my 'family' but I can't. I don't understand why not one person will call/text/write to see how I am.

Toomuch I will have a read of your blog!

Sunflower are you ok to drink with your meds? Might be best to check because often they cause a bad reaction together.

I'm really sorry you're feeling so low. I know these things hurt, and it's lousy, but take some deep breaths and just allow all the feelings to exist and flow out of you, have a cry if you need to, maybe you need some comforting strategies though. Don't laugh but I have a cuddly gorilla that I hug when I'm feeling distressed, he makes me feel comforted. Also aromatherapy helps, a hot bath, funny tv shows, uplifting songs, hot water bottles etc. Things like that. Is your hubby home with you this eve?

My session went great thank you, I went in there abuzz with nervous energy feeling v upset, and she helped me remove it all and see things clearly. She is a really great therapist and I'm so glad I found her. Feel like I've got my head straight now and I'm coming from a position of strength and togetherness.

It's because they are shitty people sweetheart. But it's not personal, it wouldn't matter who you are, they'd still act the same.

You're better than them. Xx

Hello everyone - I need to read through the last week or so to get caught up on the thread, but for now I really need to blurt because I'm trying not to spend the night crying and I feel shit.

I saw Dsis today so the DC could all get together - I've not seen her for two or three weeks. Neither of us had mentioned our M, so when the DC were out of the way I said "did you want to talk about M while we are child free for five minutes?"

But she just looked a bit awkward/blank and said "Why, has something happened?" which took me back a bit - maybe it was the way she said it - so I said "Well no, of course not because I've not seen her - why haven't you seen her either ha ha?"

So she said "Well yes I saw her last week, but she doesn't ever really talk about it (ie falling out with me) anymore - all she said was that it feels a bit funny not seeing your DC now they're on school holidays like she normally would, but she said she knows if you need any help you'll let her know".

I was so shocked I just said "are you serious, she really thinks I'd ever ask her to help me with anything, ever again, after the way she's behaved?"

And she just looked a bit uncomfortable and said "Well I think she means only if there was an emergency, like if you had to work or something".

So I said "There is no emergency that I would ever ask her to help me with".

At that point she very obviously changed the subject and started talking at length about something unrelated, whilst I zoned out and started ranting silently in my head like a fucking loon.

Then the DC came back in so that was that, but a bit later I remembered something that I thought was a safer subject - I had not been sure what day our cousin's DC's birthday had been the previous week so had just guessed when to send a card & present. I told Dsis this. Then Dsis says "Oh, we knew when it was because we went to her party last week". So that would be a party for my cousin's DC, that we would have always been invited to every year, but for some reason now we've been left out. So I can assume from that my cousin has heard a pile of bullshit from my M, and has chosen to take her side, and that my cousin would rather invite my narc M to her DC's party than me and my DC. So not only do I get 'punished' for standing up to my abusive bitch of a mother, but my DC get punished too.

I should have guessed that really a couple of months ago, when I texted my cousin to wish her a happy birthday, and she texted back to say thanks, but her birthday wish is for me to make it up with my mum....

So anyway after this conversation with my DSis I made my excuses fairly sharpish & we left. I got home, told DH what had happened and had a pathetic little cry in the loo so the DC wouldn't know.

I don't know why it's upset me so much. Obviously the being left out bit, but more than anything that part makes me feel shit for my children. They're being left out of parties now, because their mother has decided not to go along with it all anymore. None of it is their fault but they're being punished. And also I have to admit that it does hurt, that my cousin is choosing my M over me - particularly when in the past my M has treated her terribly too, so she knows what she's like. And my Dsis, whilst 'not getting involved' is standing by and treating our M as if what she's doing - to me, and to my DC, is ok.

I feel really shit now and am wondering why the fuck I am bothering to keep up any relationship with my Dsis. But then if I don't, that will be more cousins my DC don't get to see anymore. But everybody treating me like it's nothing, like I should just shut up and behave, is unbearable. It sounds nuts but it really is unbearable, it takes me right back to the whole of my fucking childhood, and all the times when I would feel terrible about something that had just happened and I would be screaming inside, but then I would look around and all
I would get from the people who were supposed to love me was that blank look that meant 'shut up and get on with it'.

I don't know what to do I thought I was feeling better.

Badtasteflump, I know it feels shitty your kids being left out of things, but it's far better to have their mother take a tough stance against bullshit as you have done and keep both herself and them out of it. It's best for them not to be turning in toxic circles anyway. They will be proud of you when they're older for standing your ground.

I know how bitterly frustrating it is when people don't turn against the person who has done so much bad shit to us, or are just kind of passive over it. It's so disappointing and upsetting and I too have felt so enraged that I just want to sit them all down with a PowerPoint presentation of everything my parents did and then at the end beg of them 'so why don't you see? Why are you not on my side?!' Sadly the truth is that sometimes people don't want to get involved, or they don't want to believe the unpleasant truth about this person they have known for years, or it's easier to just turn away. The only thing we can do is stick with the people who have our backs and stay strong. And sod the rest of them.

I hope that all makes sense I'm v tired and not v with it!

It's shitty badtasteflump. I sometimes wonder why my brother didn't spell out to me years ago what emotional abuse we were experiencing. Sadly the truth is I would not have believed him. It took me becoming the primary target to finally 'get it'.
You have done the right thing. With time you will be able to invest less in needing their approval of your actions.

both of you

I know you're both right - and it really helps to hear it from people who have been there.

Evening all, I read the thread as can relate to a lot of your experiences!

I wondered what those of you feel now if you've gone nc? I'm considering this. I was close to my dad but he died two years ago and initially I felt the duty to be there for my mum and siblings. But my mum and brother in particular are very cliquey and seem to relish putting me down. Any time I've asked my mum for help over the years, which has been rare as we're not close, she's been disinterested, regardless of my need (depression, burglary etc). It's a two way street and her lack of interest/dislike of me makes me ready to move on and cut my losses. I'm wondering whether it's easier to drift away or to be abrupt.

Anyway, interesting to hear your experiences. I suspect when/If I go nc I'll get some sort of bullying threat never to return from my brother, he's like a Rottweiler to my mum and would like nothing more than for me to be out of the picture

Life's too short eh!

Sunshine I went nc for six months and then v v low contact. God it's felt like I can breathe for the first time! I actually remember the first day I dropped my son at school and then as I was walking home I felt so happy, I was looking up at the clouds and smiling to myself. My life has changed so much since. I don't feel disgusted by my own reflection. I wear whatever the hell I like without fear of judgement. I'm not terrified of what she thinks about my home not looking like a bloody show home. My mind is like a clear lake when it used to be like a tornado with anxiety.

Does your mum contact you much? If she did like mine did then you have to say you need space (you don't have to say forever, you could say you need some time to yourself for a while) otherwise if she is like mine you would get bombarded with texts going 'why are you not replying??!!'. I ended up blocking her and the rest of the family on my iPhone. It was bliss. You could just do that otherwise I guess and say nothing.

If you don't get contacted by her much then you can just drift away. Just don't make contact and ignore it if her or your brother try. Or block them on your phone.

You could try if for a month or two at first, I bet it makes you feel so much better. Nobody deserves to be put down, you are so much better than that and as you rightly said life is too short. You wouldn't put up with that from anyone else so don't accept it from 'family'. Take control!

Chocolate do glad you feel better! Wow the freedom sounds amazing!

My mum doesn't contact me much, it tends to be me contacting her. My dad was lovely which is why I didn't go nc sooner, but he's been gone two years now and my mum has always treated me different to siblings, seems to relish my failures, criticise my choices etc. She supported my ex when he walked out and my employer when I was made redundant . I spent years trying to impress her, trying to earn her approval etc but it's just a waste of time.Thankfully pil are very nice and like me much more than she does.

Sounds like drifting away is the best option for me.

Morning everyone.

I am so sorry about last night. .

The Psychiatrist never mentioned it to me, but I don't think I am supposed to drink while on Trazodone.

And I normally don't drink at all! As I said upthread, the last time I had two glasses of wine was beginning of March.

I feel very raw and upset today as well as annoyed with myself for reaching for a drink in the first place.

Sometimes I wish I could tell my family exactly what I think about the way they treated me, without them being able to interrupt me or shout over me.

I am so tired of having them take up so much space in my head. Sometimes it feels like I'll never be able to escape.

Hope everyone has a good day x

The 'dance of anger' was a really helpful book for me as, although it doesn't really address emotional abuse directly, it talks about 'change back' behaviours. When you break out of the old cycle of codependent behaviour the people around you (and even you yourself subconsciously) desperately want things to go back to the way they've always been. So when you do eventually stand up for yourself, they are shocked and totally freak out and everything gets much, much worse. As you have been programmed, you feel like its all your fault and you've caused yourself and everyone else a huge amount of unnecessary pain.

But, if you can look past their behaviour and see that they are actually shit scared that you are going to pull down their whole house of cards construction of reality, you can see it isn't anything to do with you. Its all about them, you are just a pawn in their game, the collateral damage of their life. You can take their behaviours as clear signs that the power balance is shifting and you are starting to take ownership of your life. The puppet is cutting the strings, the puppeteer is angry. The puppeteer can fuck right off.

My dm has done everything she can to emotionally blackmail me to get back into my box. Fortunately for me, in doing so she really exposed herself as an emotional abuser, I actually had no idea up til now. I had been taken in by her intensive programming and believed her construction of her being the perfect mother. I did constantly wonder what was wrong with me though, why I felt such a lack of identity and inadequacy. I have been on this journey for a very long time.

Strangely enough I have realised I am sort of in the role of the golden child. I think it was the other way around when we were children but during our teenage years our roles switched so it is quite complicated. But whichever way around, the golden child doesn't know it is the golden child but it desperately and dysfunctionally does everything it can to appease the parents, emotionally caretake the parents, do everything they can to obtain some sort of stability. The parents hold that child up as a good example in the hope that the other child will fall into line alongside. I think my brother eventually gave up on my parents and I unwittingly stepped into the vacant position.

In some ways I have had a better deal as I haven't had the obvious rejection that my brother experienced when we were older. But, at least he knew the situation was toxic, and has made his own life for himself. I have no actual identity, no boundaries and no idea of my own needs, wants or dreams. I have been treated very, very badly in so many of my subsequent friendships/relationships because I have been apologising for my existence so long.

I have been manipulated into this situation and now I've just woken up to realise I was like a fly caught in a web. But now I'm aware of it I really look at it I see the web has no real strength and I can just brush it away like a cobweb. A few little bits might be clinging on cos its still sticky but in time I will brush them off too.

On another happy note I woke up this morning with Nina Simone 'Feeling Good' playing in my head. 'Its a new dawn, its a new day, it's a new life for me, and I'm feeling good." I don't know what this new life is going to be like, but its going to be fun discovering it.

sunflower, don't apologise about last night and don't reproach yourself either! You have nothing to apologise for.
It is a bad habit that I am trying to break myself, now that I am aware of it I realise how often I do it. 'Sorry I haven't finished unstacking the dishwasher, sorry I haven't cleaned the entire house to showroom standards, sorry I am your boss and I have to ask you to do some work, sorry I'm your mother and i'm an inadequate parent, sorry for taking up space on this planet, sorry for existing!'
I don't need to say sorry for any of those things, neither do you.

If you want to tell your family what they've done to you, write a letter, you don't need to send it, In fact write it as though you aren't going to send it, totally uncensored, it doesn't matter how vitriolic it gets then. Getting it all out on paper does help.

Flump sorry to hear about the stuff with your cousin. I remember you saying before about the original text about her wanting you to get back in touch with your M as her 'present'. Bollocks to that!

Perhaps some of your feelings about it all are triggered ones from how you felt in the past? You say yourself that it has reminded you of how you felt when you were small. But don't forget you're not that helpless child any more. There's a great Pete Walker post with suggestions about how to deal with flashback feelings. It's here: pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm
As to your DSis - it sounds as though she still wants to spend time with you. You can't control the relationship she still has with your M. But you can state your boundaries around how her relationship with your M impacts you. She might be floundering here a bit herself and unsure whether to mention stuff to you. What would be best for you? Would you rather she mentions your M, or would you rather not know? Do YOU want to spend time with HER, and on what basis? Once you've worked this out for yourself, are you brave enough to have a frank conversation with your DSis about this?

I saw my own DSis last week. I'm now LC with my M but she isn't. She was moaning that our M keeps asking her about me and my family. Her stock response (she says) is to say 'I don't know, why don't you ask Spare?'. I did initially feel guilty that DSis is being put in this position by my choice to go LC. But my gut feeling is that I shouldn't feel guilty though I need to logically reason it through and work out why guilt isn't actually appropriate here. Perhaps it's not my problem to solve, it's DSis's?

We are seeing my M on Sat as a family. I have put some boundaries in place already (stated what time we are leaving, for example) but am dreading it a bit as she has only just had the cast removed from a broken ankle so she still isn't very mobile, which means an afternoon of sitting chatting which is my idea of hell anyway as I'm not a small talk person, but is 10x worse when it's small talk with my M! I'll have to swot up on Pete Walker's flashback advice myself I think. And do a lot of grey rock-ing. May have to enlist DH's help on good 'grey rock' topics. At the same time though I'm determined not to go along with any of her attempts to twist the truth/present her own fictitious reality of the world if that's what she starts doing. Politely. Hopefully...

Hi everyone. Got behind, will catch up later. I am struggling having non-stop panic attacks the last few days and massive waves of anger. Don't know how to cope wih it :(

Hi Bad taste flump

Sorry to read that happened to you but your sister's reactions were of no real surprise to me at all unfortunately. Nor those of your female cousin's either.

I came to some conclusions whilst reading your post re your family of origin:-

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; yours is still very much one of scapegoat. Your children are in turn scapegoated as well with your sister and her children remaining favoured.

Your sister wants to remain golden child and remain within this dysfunctional dynamic (and keep your role within it) hence her reactions to you asking about mother dearest. I also think that your children seeing their cousins is also not a good idea in the long run either: I could not trust your sister as far as I could throw her frankly.

Your cousin is one of your narcissistic mother's enablers i.e. the flying monkey. Such FMs are gullible and easily manipulated along with not being at all interested in hearing your side of things. She needs to be completely ignored by you now and has certainly acted in her own self interest rather than yours.

Sometimes, a narcissist will not attack you publicly in any way–which makes them look good–but they are privately telling carefully chosen people how evil and awful you are. They select these people the same way they choseyou. They are experts at reading people and realizing who will make an easy target and a puppet. They also know who won’t, so they avoid the people they can’t easily use. Narcissists usually choose other, lesser, narcissists who will enjoy attacking you, or they choose very empathetic people who believe their stories and honestly believe they are supporting an innocent person. These flying monkeys then proceed to stalk you and report back to the narcissist–again, either to be mean or because they think they are helping the wronged party. Or, the worst flying monkeys will spread the lies the narcissist tells them privately by taking them public. The lies don’t come from the narcissist’s mouth, so they can claim they are “taking the high road,” but the words the flying monkeys spread are exactly what they heard fromthe narc. They do the narcissist’s evil, but make it seem like the narcissist isn’t really involved. They have no idea they are being used. The term comes from the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz since the wicked witch sends them to carry out her attacks. Most of the time, the narcissist has convinced the monkeys that the narcissist is the victim and the real victim is the abuser, so the monkeys go after the real victim and treat the real victim like the abuser.

Chest

Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad; do you want to write about what has happened?.

I went NC long enough to work out what was really going on, realise they did not love me despite saying they did & grieved for the relationship that was gone. It was hard. Now I'm very LC as I don't let them hurt me anymore. I'm sure they think it's all gone back to normal. The truth is the relationship is over but LC is the path of least resistance... at the moment!

Hi again - feeling a little bit calmer today after a huge offload to a lovely friend (thank god for her ).

Spare I think you're right that I need to put the boundaries in place with my Dsis and stick to them. It is awkward because when I see her I never know if we should talk about it all or not. Because sometimes she reacts like she did yesterday, but other times she has been very much 'on my side' and agreed with me. But all the time I am at her house I know our M could turn up any time and let herself in (DSis has no boundaries with our M, she lets herself in to my sister's house and comes and goes as she pleases). So it's not exactly a relaxing day out for me.... My younger DC love seeing their cousins (DSis's children) so I am not ready to just give up on it. But I need to stop hoping Dsis will turn into some Disney sister and be my long lost best friend . I don't know if I would go as far as to say I don't trust her, but I don't really know her either. At times she talks as if she is well aware of what our M is capable of, but at the same time she is happy to have our M there at her house constantly. Why would she do that when she knows how fucked up she is? I am going to have a look at the Pete Walker link - thank you

Dsis also keeps mentioning that she wants my DC to have a sleepover at hers before the end of summer. But I don't want that to happen because she couldn't stop my M turning up when my DC are there. So just asking my Dsis to make sure our M isn't there isn't enough - I'm sure she would say 'Oh yes of course' but if my M turned up she wouldn't be able/willing to tell her to go. So that's not good enough, and I know when I have to eventually tell her no, there's not going to be a sleepover, it will all be seen as my fault/my paranoia/my causing trouble - again. I can just hear my sister saying 'but what harm can it do if mum turns up whilst they're here?' and I won't know what to say, because she is not so dumb she doesn't already know my reasons.

Atilla I do think you're right. I clearly don't trust my sister as I don't want to leave my DC at her house. But long term I don't know what will happen. I agree that she doesn't want to rock the boat and is comfortable in her 'golden child' position - why wouldn't she be when it gives her an easy life and means I'm taking all the shit? I don't think she's a bad person, I think she's just as screwed up by it all as I am, just in a different way. I can't help thinking if she was a normal, fully functioning adult, she wouldn't want our M practically living with her, when our M has a home of her own and neither of them have any real reason for not living independently.

I just need to learn to stop caring about what they almost definitely are saying about me behind my back, and I struggle with that.

Chest I'm sorry you're having a shit time. Come back and talk if you feel like it might help

I've just realised in the space of a couple of paragraphs I've gone from saying 'I wouldn't go as far as to say I don't trust my sister' to 'I clearly don't trust my sister'...

Hmmmm

Flump, With your sis can you ask her over to yours or meet up at parks etc so dc can see cousins and you can feel relaxed. Any visits you do have to sisters can be relatively brief if you've seen one another plenty in other environments. Also arrange for the dc have a cousins' sleepover at yours asap so they don't miss out but you aren't worried.
Maybe also consider never mentioning your dm in convo with sis, if sis brings her up just say as little as possible and change the subject.