"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's May 2017, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Thank you for your replies, it's given me food for thought. I am definitely still under the spell of fearing her judgement/ upset and I admit that I'm principally letting in see her so I'm not a bad person in her eyes for 'cutting her off'. I never feel at ease when he is with her and I hate the fear of when she arrives at my door. To be honest he has just as much fun with us/ his friends as he does her.

He is indeed my most precious thing in the world and I don't want him being affected by it all. I'm so afraid of people thinking I'm a bad person but you're right, he is absolutely more important.

When I spoke to her a little to organise her having him I said maybe we could reestablish some sort of relationship but I have never wanted to do that. Too painful. Urgh how to deal with this going forward....

Hi Chocolate

You should never feel guilty about cutting out any toxic relatives or friends.

Re your comment:-

"I am definitely still under the spell of fearing her judgement/ upset and I admit that I'm principally letting in see her so I'm not a bad person in her eyes for 'cutting her off"

She deserves nothing less than being cut off. I would think that she has never for one second felt guilty when it came to you and your monster of a stepdad. She also subjected you to his horrors for many years and has minimised your pain; she failed to protect you from him and is also culpable.

Your comment in quote marks is indeed why you have acted as you have but you are seeing the effects that decision is and has had on you personally. Your mother is further wanting to overstep your boundaries by demanding more time with your son. Can you further work on this and your attendant fear, obligation and guilt re your mother with your therapist?

I would also argue that your son and you in particular are not receiving any benefit at all from your mother's presence so why flog the dead horse.

Thank you Attila. It's true, everything you said. The FOG is real.

Coincidentally she just texted me about my proposed date for having him next in August saying she will see whether my sister wants to see him with her. My sister hasn't seen him in a year, has never been interested in him and never even asks after him. I haven't seen her either. So im not comfortable with that. I will stick a pin in this until I can speak to my therapist next week and decide further how to handle it all.

I keep having this one memory flash back to me over and over.... when I was 7 my mum and stepdad took me to their friend's house. I was plonked in the living room of this strangers house with the tv while the adults all got pissed on Bacardi in the kitchen. I remember how alone I felt. I was always dragged to their adult friends houses and sat there bored while the adults did whatever. That is one of a thousand different shit memories of varying degrees of crapness. I can't forget it all.

Chocolate I do understand what you mean about feeling torn but honestly, giving him too many sweets and spinning him off a chair, he's not a toy, he's a little person... with feelings Xx

I do understand how difficult it all is though and I know from what you've said that your gut instinct knows it's wrong but it's like for some reason your heart and mind need convincing too. I've been conditioned to not tell people what to do BUT I will suggest that it might be a really good idea to call in sick with V&D the next time he's due to visit. It will give you some much needed breathing space to gather your thoughts.

Treacle, the top paragraph you wrote really choked me up. That is how she sees him, just this fun little boy. And I know she cares about him (has come to a&e at the drop of a hat etc) but she has also cancelled babysitting virtually every time as she had other stuff she'd rather do etc. I love my son more than life itself and the thought of him not being prioritised and cared for appropriately makes me feel heartbroken.

Yes, my gut instinct tells me this is wrong. I'm not comfortable with it, I'm not even comfortable with her at my doorstep let alone taking my son out. It's not right that I'm taking the max dose of antidepressants and beta blockers every day and Valium when I need to. This situation is fucked up and I deserve better. I was imagining earlier cutting all ties and moving away from them all, to a place free of seeing her about and the memories, and it felt like such blissful freedom. Says a lot doesn't it. I need to be free again.

Now how to deal with this absolutely crippling guilt over it? Does anyone have any ideas?

I feel like an emotional wreck this evening.

So sorry to read everyone's posts and the shit you're all going through. Can i please join in with my shit?
After posting this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2968680-sick-and-tired-of-being-resented-by-family I've realised I'm very codependent with my parents and have spent my entire life taking responsibility for their actions and parenting them. I still love them and they are basically good people, but they don't see the impact their behaviour has had on me and dbro. We were just never important enough to them, we were never protected from the world even as very young children. Not that we were abused but we were seriously emotionally neglected, never allowed to express any negative emotions, no issues ever addressed, just swept under the carpet so we could present the image of the perfect children produced by the perfect mother.
I have been having some therapy but I'm still really struggling to manage this realisation. I feel so trapped and duped, as though i've never made an independent decision in my life ever.
It has had massive impact on all my relationships throughout my whole life. I have literally no friends because of it (I trusted people too much and then they let me down and I cut them out, now I don't let anyone get close) I went through years of dh treating me badly because I never said thats not acceptable (he is supportive now). I've just spent my whole life giving in and going along with absolutely everybody, dc included. I feel like I've got to start again absolutely from scratch.

We have just come back from a couple of weeks away (I was pretty much mentally checked out for the whole of it) and immediately started feeling very ill, terrible headaches that pain killers won't touch and needing to sleep all the time. I think its the stress of returning to my normal life, the prospect of seeing dm, going back to work (loads of awful codependent relationships there too). My life is riddled with this, I can't move for codependency!
I have read a lot already and while I'm reading i feel ok, but then I think of engaging with life again and it overwhelms me. I don't know how to help myself. When does it start to get better?

Bestfakesmile

You need to distance yourself from them for a while to get your head straight about it all. You cannot do that while they're all around you. And see a therapist to work through it all and get some clarity.

It sounds like you're suffering from depression as you say about the headaches and the tiredness etc, might be good to see your GP? I think those three steps are the way to begin reclaiming your life and happiness. Life is too short not to. X

Thanks Chocolate, I have taken a bit of time out. I've only seen my parents briefly 3 times in a month and not really spoken on phone or text, when I'd usually see them 3 times a week and text/phone often. They are popping in today to See dc as they haven't seen them for ages. People have gone very low contact in my extended family before and in my experience it doesn't make the situation any better, the parties just become more entrenched and polarised.

I'm feeling much stronger today. I have read 'the dance of anger' and it suggests you still remain emotionally warm to your parents while stating your position and the way you are going to behave absolutely clearly. They will respond with 'change back' demands (dm already has done) but if I stick to my guns I think she will be really shocked and surprised (no one in our family has ever done that) soon take what I'm saying on board.

The rules we have always had in our family have prohibited discussion about problems, open expression of feelings, direct and honest communication, realistic expectations of being human, vulnerable and imperfect. That stops now with me expressing my feelings, being direct and honest, being human and vulnerable and imperfect. I will be explicit about this and open to others doing the same. I'm going to ask the questions that have never been asked before, what was their experience of what happened back then? I'm not going to blame or judge or try to ameliorate their experience, just accept it. I'll express my experience (without blame) whether they accept it or not.

Dm is massively codependent herself and had a fucked up family dynamic with her parents and brother which is still having massive repercussions today (although her parents are both dead) I am determined to break the cycle now. I can see how much pain dm went through with her mother and brother and I'm not, not, not going to have the same. She tied herself in knots trying to be the perfect daughter (to her father) but actually just pissed her mum and brother off, I think a similar dynamic might be playing out with me and my brother. I have tried to be the fixer-upper of my parents (because I have been desperate for stability) and my brother thinks they've made their own bed and have to lie in it. He is right!

Bottom line is, if a situation makes you feel shitty then it's no good for you. And it's not for you to fix.

You don't have to have them round today if you need space. And you certainly do.

Hi everyone,

this is my first post on any of the Stately Homes thread. Recently I posted on AIBU, which was probably not the right place and only got two replies, so I thought I'd try here.

Apologies for copying and pasting the post; my head is all over the place at the minute and it has taken me forever to compose the message in the first place.

It's a really long story and I don't want to bore you with all the details, but basically I have always had a very rocky relationship with my parents, especially my mother. I don't want to slap a label on her and call her a narcissist, although I do recognise a lot of the traits in her.

My younger sister was/is being treated totally different by my parents. It's always been that way, ever since I can remember. Despite that, I have always doted on her.

I have had episodes of no contact with my parents in the past and it has always been me trying to make amends and reach out.

We fell out in 2015 again. My husband and I had come over for a visit(I am German and my family all live over there). My mother initiated an argument (again) and said some very hurtful things to me. My father, as usual, took her side. I left their house that night because I just could not stand listening to them anymore, it felt like they were slowly breaking me.

A few months later, I fell pregnant. I did not want to call my parents; it wasn't out of spite or because I was being childish; I just literally could not bring myself to call them. I did tell my sister and she said I ought to tell them; I said I couldn't but if she wanted to she could. She said she would not do that because it wasn't her place to do so.

Anyway, I ended up having a miscarriage and it just so happened that the appointment at the hospital fell on the day of my mother's birthday. I didn't know if I was going to need a D&C, so I phoned my sister up the day before and told her to say Happy Birthday to my mother for me and that I would call when I got back from the hospital.

Well I didn't need the procedure, but when I got back home I could not face calling my mother. I can't explain it.

My sister told my parents about the miscarriage and the appointment and I was hoping (stupid me!!) they might contact me. Nope. Their reply to my sister was that I obviously didn't want them to know, otherwise I would have told them when I was pregnant.

As I had come off my antidepressants when I found out I was pregnant, I sunk into a deep depression. I could not stop crying and it did not help that I was not working and knew nobody in England where we lived.

My husband thought it would be a good idea to move up to Edinburgh, where he is from originally and where his family live. Luckily he could get a transfer within his company and we moved up last September.

I like it up here and being closer to his family who really do support me a lot.

However I am still struggling with everything else. I feel like I have lost all my confidence (not that I had that much to being with) and I just want to hide indoors all the time.

Things got really bad at the beginning of the year and my husband took me to see the GP who referred me to the Crisis Team. I have since seen the CPN once a week and I am on the waiting list to see a Psychologist.

Sorry, this is so much longer than I had intended! I basically want to know if there is anyone else out there who has no contact with their parents/family and feels enormous guilt? Will that ever go away?

On top of it all my uncle passed away in April and my parents didn't even tell me.
I sent my father a condolence card (it was his brother), but they never responded.

I keep thinking maybe I should have told my parents about my pregnancy, maybe I should have called my mother after my hospital appointment.

When I mentioned this to my CPN she said I should absolutely not feel bad about it and it was up to my parents to reach out during this horrible time for me. But then she would say that wouldn't she? She is not going to make me feel worse.

I feel like I just want to go to bed, sleep and never wake up. And in a way posting here makes me feel bad too; I have read some posts on the many threads and there is some truly awful parents out there that have caused a lot of suffering. I have never been starved and only been beaten a couple of times.

Thank you for listening x

Sorry, when I say beaten I mean hit.

Hi sunflower

Your parents have caused you much suffering your whole life, small wonder therefore you are in the dark place you are in currently.

Your post is infact very much typical of the life of a scapegoat in a narcissistic family structure right down to the golden child (your sister) and scapegoat (you). You continue to be scapegoated as well hence them ignoring you in your dark days.

FWIW I think you were right not to inform them about your pregnancy nor the visit to hospital subsequently. They would have made it all about them.

Is it possible for you to find a therapist and one that is well versed in narcissistic family structures as well?. I am glad to read that you are receiving support currently albeit once a week from the CPN, are you able to contact this person more if needed?.

Re this comment:-
"I have never been starved and only been beaten a couple of times"

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is none, your parents do not deserve to be called such and have failed you abjectly. You should not have been beaten at all, you were but a child.
You sound almost grateful that you were never starved, that also shows me how messed up your own personal boundaries are re them. They encouraged you really not to have any and your father was and remains her willing enabler. Women like your mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them.

Look at the daughters of narcissistic mothers website and see how much of that resonates with your own experiences. Also read the Out of the FOG website too.

Make a good life for yourself without any of your family of origin in it, you do not need them as much as they need you to put you down. They will always put you down given any opportunity and these people will never be decent grandparent figures. Your DHs parents and family are nice; let them help you as well.

Chocolate, I actually think that I have to go through this shitiness with addressing the issues with dm. The only real problem has always been that we avoid any feelings of discomfort in our family, so we never address the relatively minor misunderstandings and irritations that come with all relationships and these issues fester and grow, eventually causing infinitely more pain than just expressing ourselves clearly at the time.

She is much more co-dependent than me which is why this is all so threatening to her. She keeps making 'change back' demands of me, which of course are all designed to make me feel terrible by showing me how bad I am making her feel. Just so we can settle back down into our usual roles but for me that would be the worst case scenario. I have made it clear that I love her but I won't just shut up about this to make her feel better temporarily as in the long term we will cause one another so much more pain if we don't lance the boil now.

But I do have to stop psychoanalysing them both, its not my responsibility to fix them. It is hard to get the balance right because of course they have their own baggage from their own childhoods just like I have mine, they're not bad people and neither were their parents but each generation fucks up the next. I know I am fucking up dc despite my best efforts. I think the best anybody can hope for is that we were just about 'good enough' and when they grow up they at least can recognise their issues and take action to resolve it themselves. Most importantly, we can accept that we weren't/aren't perfect parents - nobody is. I think my dm would really benefit from admitting this to herself, but like I say, I mustn't psychoanalyse her!

Thank you so much for your kind words Attila, I am in tears here.

The really hard thing is that my sister would describe my parents as totally different people. I have always said to my husband that it would be so much easier for me if I was either an only child or had a sibling who agrees with me. The fact that she gets on so well with them has made me wonder for years what I have done wrong.

My parents are actually grandparents to my sister's two children, my nephew is twelve and my niece is eight. The children dote on them, too.

On advice of my CPN I have recently withdrawn from my sister (temporarily). We haven't seen each other since May 2017 and phone calls were few and far between. Last Christmas my husband and I sent gifts for the children (as always) and we did not hear anything from anyone until four days later. Not even so much as a Merry Christmas (I appreciate it's not the children's fault)

I've seen a Psychiatrist who has changed my medication which I am not getting on with it all (but that is a different story) and had an assessment with Psychology who will allocate me a Psychologist, so I am hoping it is somebody who is used to this kind of thing.

Thank you so much for venting on here. xxx

I mean thank you so much for letting me vent on here!

As for saying at least I wasn't continuously physically abused (or sexually, cannot believe what some 'parents' do to their children) or starved and neglected; I think that stems from my parents too. They always used to say 'Be grateful you have parents like us'. One of my mother's favourite phrases was 'You are lucky you don't have parents like I did.'

My mother fell out with her own mother twenty years ago and as a result my grandmother cut us all out of her life. She passed away a few years ago.

Posting to keep my place

Sunflower,

You post here as and when you feel a need to do so.

People from dysfunctional families like you describe end up playing roles. Yours is scapegoat and your sister's role here is one of golden child (a role itself not without price either but she is unaware of that). Her children are similarly favoured by your parents as being the children of golden children. They are also being harmed here because your parents use them as a source of narcissistic supply; they will be harmed emotionally by your parents going forward.

I would completely withdraw from your golden child sister permanently, not just temporarily. She has really not acted in your best interests here, only hers. She gets on well with them because she is favoured and they are all completely enmeshed unhealthily with each other and now her children are being drawn into that web of dysfunction as well. You are really better off out their web. Put mental distance now between you, your sister and your parents. I would also not bother with sending their children presents in future harsh at that may seem.

Whoever you see has to be a person you can click with so the first person you see may not be the right one. They are like shoes; you need to find someone who fits in with you and your whole approach.

Do read the websites I recommended as well.

"One of my mother's favourite phrases was 'You are lucky you don't have parents like I did. My mother fell out with her own mother twenty years ago and as a result my grandmother cut us all out of her life. She passed away a few years ago".

Thought your mother's family of origin was dysfunctional and sadly I am correct. Toxic stuff like this can and does go down the generations but it looks like it can and will stop with you now. Yo have two qualities your mother lacks; empathy (your mother really has none) and insight. Your mother did not seek the necessary help but continued simply with the same old treatment that was dished out to her. This is why you have suffered as you have done. You really do need to be in a no contact position ultimately with all your family of origin. Narcissists and their willing enablers really make out for being deplorably bad as both parents and grandparent figures.

I just dread what will happen when my parents or my sister pass away...will I be able to cope with that?

I have been brought up to believe that 'family is everything' and 'blood is thicker than water'. I guess I have to pick my poison: either get back in touch with them (like I have done so many times before) and feel like sh*t and be picked on and trodded on, or really cut all contact and then feel guilty for the rest of my life if something happens.

sunflower, sounds like your parents have been fucked up by theirs and the shit is just flowing down to your generation now.
You have been treated as a scapegoat all your life and you have been trained to believe that everything bad is your fault. You have been told that you're lucky that they haven't treated you worse. None of that is true.
You are desperate for approval and attention from your parents and have spent your life tying yourself in knots trying to please them, it won't ever be enough for them but you are enough just as you are. Self acceptance and self love is what you need to find, it is there somewhere deep inside you.
You might want to try getting in touch with your inner child, I have found hypnotherapy really helpful for this and it is very healing when you feel that you can give yourself the nurture that you should have had as a child. In my experience it is well worth the money as ordinary psychotherapy only helped me identify the issues and understand them intellectually but it didn't resolve them emotionally. I knew that I was just as important as anyone else but i didn't believe or feel that I was if you see what I mean. Hypnotherapy helped me feel it.

Sunflower

Do not go down those rabbit holes. Judging by the ways your parents have acted I doubt very much they'd feel anything re yourself anyway.

Bad things have happened to you at their hands; do you think they feel at all guilty for their actions?. These people beat you and twice is twice too many. I can categorically say that no they do not feel any guilt re you. They have never apologised nor have accepted any responsibility for their actions. They never wanted to change or tried to change.

You may find this link helpful as well:-

emergingfrombroken.com/what-if-my-mother-or-father-dies-before-we-resolve-our-relationship/

You are really emerging from broken here.

"either get back in touch with them (like I have done so many times before) and feel like sh*t and be picked on and trodded on, or really cut all contact and then feel guilty for the rest of my life if something happens"

Sunflower, it might seem like you only have two options both of which are bad but actually the other route is to heal from the inside and then it wouldn't matter which option you took as your parents wouldn't control your emotions anymore. You would have the freedom to be comfortable with either choice.
In your position I would certainly go no contact for a while, give yourself some time and make self love and healing your priority. You have to detach from your parents and sister mentally and emotionally so that you can start to heal. Living in a different country is an advantage for you here. Make the most of your husband's family for support but real healing will come from inside of you, it might be buried deep but it is there.

Thank you so much for your kind words bestfakesmile.

You are right, it is an advantage that I am fairly far away from them, certainly far enough for them not to drive around and knock on our door (like they did when we lived in Germany).

I try to be kind to myself these days, but it is do difficult when you always have these inner voices criticising yourself. Sometimes I feel like banging my head against the wall and knocking myself out so I don't have to think anymore!

I know it's irrational, but I am dreading Christmas already. I don't know why really, because it was never really a nice relaxing day in our family. My parents would drink too much (especially my mother) and before you know it all sorts of bile would come to the surface.

Attila, those two times my parents hit me I wasn't a little child anymore. I was a teenager. I remember being about 14 and having an argument with my mother in the kitchen...I then started going up the stairs to go to my room and get away from her. She followed me and started shouting again and when I turned around she hit me in the face.

The other time it was my father. It was summer and we were sitting outside in the garden...there was an argument of some sort (I can't remember what about at all) and I went inside and upstairs to my room. Next thing my father is at the door and starts hitting me on the shoulder with his slipper.

I should probably say I am 41 now so all this is a fairly long time ago and back then hitting your children/teenagers was probably more the norm than today.

Thank you for the website recommendations, I will definitely check them out. I have actually read emergingfrombroken before when I was googling stuff.