Struggling to deal with partners privilege - help?

[AnnaF55]

Been together for 9 months, has gone smoothly than all my other relationships. I am happier with him than I have ever been - but there's still one sticking point.

While my parents were/are political activists, one of his parents grew up on the Queen's estate. He told me this early on and also talked about how he's anti-monarch. Realising my left-of-centre views, I now think he only did this because he thinks it is what I wanted to hear.

The first time he met most of my family, he brought up the fact his family were raised on the queen's estate. I thought it sounded like he was bragging (although I suppose it is a major thing) and my parents listened politely, but it made me cringe. I find the topic kind of alienating because no one else can really relate to it. As a general rule though, he gets on really well with my family and they like him.

At dinner the other night he talked about little known tales related to Prince Philip, which I listened to because its part of his family life - but then he went on to talk about how he sympatises with the Prince who often wanted to go and live a normal life according to him. I couldn't listen any more, because the people I genereally do sympathise with in this country are NHS staff, people on food banks, etc and said 'I thought you were anti monarch??' and he said 'I don't know how I feel about them - I'm half and half.'

Eventually, we talked more and found a bit more common ground, but I did for the first time point out he has had a very privileged upbringing and may feel differently about some things if he were to see how poorer people lived. He accepted all this was true.

Do you think it is ok for my boyfriend to frequently bringing up his privileged background - how do I become less angry about it?! I really love my partner and don't like having disagreements.

All I will contribute to the issue re privilege is there are people who are financially privileged, with everything that goes with that and those who are not. OBVIOUSLY the Royals are the best and most extreme example of financial privilege.

Social privilege is more complicated though. If your social experiences/options are very constrained by the class of the family you are born in then life can be difficult depending on where you end up in relation to your family of origin.

Clearly people with money and from the aristocracy can use their status and money to buy social privileges for their children and are therefore relatively privileged in comparison to those without money and status, but equally, not having money and status is something the vast majority understand and can relate to so socially you are not as likely to be excluded In the majority of situations you will find yourself in as a child of the privileged, as with people like the OP's BF.

Some of that is a direct result of the landed classes deliberately setting themselves apart socially but it IS so difficult for those who are uncomfortable with it but born into it anyway.

Life is better if we have interest in others, respect each other and work together IMO, that is why I think the class system is toxic. If one group socially distances itself from everyone in order to protect their own privileged status then the best response is to try to avoid behaviours of withdrawal and isolation and make a concerted effort to involve everyone who wants to be involved in the real world.

That I believe is how, certainly in social terms, we fight the class system.

It is the kind of thing bell hooks writes re feminism and men.

All a bit Tony Benn really and he was a good example. He tried very hard to integrate with the real world and use privilege to fight privilege. He has left a legacy as a result. But he lacked the social experience to cope with his status in the labour movement successfully IMO. Which is the sad result of the stupid British class system TBF.

Yet another superb post from Offred. I'm beginning to look like your fan club

I think we should start the Offred party . You'd get my vote! In any case I will definitely look up bell hooks.

There have been a lot of different perspectives and I have a lot to consider and think about it. Growing up in a heavily political family (some activists, some actual politicians) was not always easy for me. There have been times when I have truly resented it and other times when I've been grateful for it. So, people need to remember that coming from that background can be very ingrained, whether a person likes it or not, from childhood.

I like to think this thread shows that I am open to challenging the beliefs I have held while still finding a way to honour my core values. I know my boyfriend is a good person, and we share values, although we have differences. FWIW my dad is also a good person, but his occasional intolerance has not been a good thing for his life. So, I hope my boyfriend & I can meet in the middle. This comment from a PP sums up what I'm hoping for:

"I believe it is possible to have happy relationships across class boundaries, as well as across religious and cultural boundaries. But id demands mutual tolerance and loyalty. Not every relationship is strong enough to stand up under that pressure. Only you can decide if yours is."

So, people need to remember that coming from that background can be very ingrained, whether a person likes it or not, from childhood

Exactly, now apply that thinking to your dp.

And sometimes it can cause problems later. It is dead easy in the early stages of love/lust when you think your partner is the best thing since sliced bread to put aside all the differences. 15 years down the line when you disagree over how to bring up children and how to spend or not spend money and whether women can work full time when babies are here or whatever else it can be a bigger problem so get it all agreed before people move in together I suggest.

By the way I don't regard the royal princes as personally particularly rich, not compared to the children of some of the UK's richest people actually. Obviously they have an income higher than most and the Prince of Wales has the money from his organics business and the Duchy of Cornwall but the younger princes have some money but it's not vast. William does not even live in a property he owns.

Are you planning on having children?

You will be surprised how much you will want to mirror your own happy upbringing when you have children. I think you two will struggle, if him just talking about his upbringing causes you such angst.

Start discussing how you envision raising kids. The small details. You will most likely kind both of you are automatically assuming you will be recreating happy aspects of your own upbringings.

By the way I don't regard the royal princes as personally particularly rich, not compared to the children of some of the UK's richest people actually.

www.therichest.com/celebnetworth/politician/royal/prince-william-net-worth/

'Its fine if he wants to talk about these things, it's just that we can't match it'
Sorry Op I do think the problems lie with you.

Bell hooks book re feminism and men is called 'the will to change' BTW if anyone wants to read.

I honestly think just enjoy the relationship for now and see how things go. But if you start to get more serious, then begin to have more serious conversations.

My own DH and I have different cultural and political backgrounds.

One of us is second generation immigrant, Tory voting, bettering yourself is everything...

One of us is English middle class, politely muddling along with not much money, books and ideas are more important than consumer goods...

For many years it wasn't a problem, but there were certainly times when it has been a problem to the extent of endangering our relationship.

The three big flashpoints are likely to be money, where you live and how you educate your children.

Best wishes.

If you and your family can't accept that he's from a background different from yours then you are all leftie assholes. I've met too many of your types who champion the poor to feel more morally high and mighty but in reality you are all snobs (reverse snobbery snobs).

That's true that prince william inherited £6m although although 2% on that is £120k before tax a year so about £73k after tax plus his flying income. I would imagine his father's allowance to him is not to be spent but covers things like paying for security. I stand by the fact he does not have available to spent millions of pounds a year, not that most of us want to anyway. Lots of people spend a lot less than they might. He probably now has access to the whole £6m or whatever it has grown to since his mother died as he is of age.

Anyway I certainly agree he is pretty well off compared to some but nothing like a lot of younger people like say football stars or those who have sold a business or their parents have or an Ecclestone. However of course he's very well off and has an easier life than most.

I hate reverse snobbery just as much as I hate snobbery.

Why on earth should he have to hide who he is in order to be good enough for your family?

And growing up on the Queen's estate doesn't mean that he is privileged. He'd be a bit of a knob to think it rubs off. Since the Crown owns everything anyway, we're sort of all on an estate basis 😄