Struggling to deal with partners privilege - help?

[AnnaF55]

Been together for 9 months, has gone smoothly than all my other relationships. I am happier with him than I have ever been - but there's still one sticking point.

While my parents were/are political activists, one of his parents grew up on the Queen's estate. He told me this early on and also talked about how he's anti-monarch. Realising my left-of-centre views, I now think he only did this because he thinks it is what I wanted to hear.

The first time he met most of my family, he brought up the fact his family were raised on the queen's estate. I thought it sounded like he was bragging (although I suppose it is a major thing) and my parents listened politely, but it made me cringe. I find the topic kind of alienating because no one else can really relate to it. As a general rule though, he gets on really well with my family and they like him.

At dinner the other night he talked about little known tales related to Prince Philip, which I listened to because its part of his family life - but then he went on to talk about how he sympatises with the Prince who often wanted to go and live a normal life according to him. I couldn't listen any more, because the people I genereally do sympathise with in this country are NHS staff, people on food banks, etc and said 'I thought you were anti monarch??' and he said 'I don't know how I feel about them - I'm half and half.'

Eventually, we talked more and found a bit more common ground, but I did for the first time point out he has had a very privileged upbringing and may feel differently about some things if he were to see how poorer people lived. He accepted all this was true.

Do you think it is ok for my boyfriend to frequently bringing up his privileged background - how do I become less angry about it?! I really love my partner and don't like having disagreements.

With the majority of my family, it does not matter. But it will really not go down well with my father

Then perhaps this could be a good opportunity for your father to learn a lot - maybe even to understand that you get good, bad and in-between people from all backgrounds

Or is he too blinkered by his left wing dogma to take that on board?

Do you mean Sandringham? Balmoral? As someone else said, there's a difference between a grace and favour apartment because your mother was Mistress of the Robes (do they still have a Mistress of the Robes?) and a gardener's (often quite grim) tied cottage, and depending on whether the person is a snob or a reverse snob, they could either play it as 'Oh, as Prince Philip once said to me as we took an after-dinner snifter together...' or 'My father used to pick up the corgis' shite'. (I had a friend who was an ex-footman at Blenheim Palace who was a fund of hilariously indiscreet anecdotes, which was presumably why they fired him...)

When you say he is 'privileged', I'm not sure I see what you mean? Class, education, wealth, cultural capital?

Name-dropping suggests insecurity, or a desire to rub some anti-monarchist noses in it.

Lots of folk found here live on private estates and many have tales of the laird and his family but they were low paid workers . I can't see what is 'priveleged' except the surroundings were prob lovely countryside not overcrowded tenements or whatever squalor you and your DPs grew up in.

Yes, exactly. I lived in a tied cottage on an estate in Yorkshire myself at one point -- it was next to the pheasant-raising pens, and incredibly primitive and damp.

If I were him I'd leave the relationship on what I've currently read seems like you don't want him to be himself and just blank out his upbringing, also calling him out on snobbery I'd just get to annoyed at constantly being criticised on who I am.

Worth noting his upbringing mouldering who he is who you claim to have feelings for so it couldn't have been that awful

Also worth noting as loads of people are ridiculously royals obsessed for whatever reason, he may be used to people harassing him for a story growing up so it's what he's used to.

I agree with StillHungry. People should be themselves & you do t want him to be that.

Thanks re read and autocorrect gah autocorrect giveth and autocorrect taketh away

too*
Moulded*

You should spend less time parroting the political views your parents indoctrinated you with, pull your head out of your backside and see people as people. You can't see people as they are or the world as it is if you're blinded by ideology. Start thinking for yourself.

The problem is not him. He shouldn't have to hide his background or upbringing to appease your prejudices. I hope he wakes up, drops you and finds someone who accepts him for who he is. We all deserve that; prince, pauper and every station in between...

Hilda Og, why so harsh?

What makes you think the OP isn't a mature woman who can form her own political opinions?

She likes him, she's just finding his lack of awareness annoying.

I made this thread because I am struggling with it for whatever reason and looking for advice. Being told I'm awful and prejiduced etc doesn't help - nor does telling me to chuck him.

I accept that I may be indoctrinated to an extent, but I have my own mind. I am in a different political party from both of my parents and my dad sometimes gives me a hard time about it but I don't budge.

Its fine if he wants to talk about these things, it's just that we can't match it. When he was telling another impressive story that showed off his well off background, my mum diffused the situation with an ancedote that jokingly highlighted we're not from the same kind of wealth.

I have specifically told my boyfriend I don't want to change who you are.

But it is wishy washy as PP said. My DP called out my relative for following Pippa Middleton's wedding just a few days ago, he has criticised them from the start and now he's trying to elicit sympathy from me RE Prince Philip? I suppose I'm more just thinking his beliefs seem all over the place and don't really get it.

FWIW I have nothing against the royal family or any other wealthy people as individuals. I don't agree with an elitist society as a whole.

Finally I have dated men with similar beliefs to myself - evidently those relationships didn't work and those men didn't treat me nearly as well as DP does now.

Yes, thank you, ALittle Mop - your contributions have been kind and helpful!

Re Pippa and Phfillip - one a bonafide total who has worked extensively for many of the countries charities etc and who he has known all his life. One a wanna be celebrity who happens to be the sister of someone married to royalty. Why should he perceive them both the same and if were talking monarchy Pippa isn't relevant anyway as she isn't royal

Its fine if he wants to talk about these things, it's just that we can't match it.

It's not a fucking competition!

You need to accept that you have plenty in common, but different backgrounds.

GET OVER YOURSELF.

I do a lot of volunteer work at festivals, welfare stuff. When I talk about it to most people they don't really get it and they can't "match" it. Thankfully they love me so they listen and then we share stories about their lives. Its called being friendly.

The problem is tour Dad - has going to judge your BF based on where B's parent grew up. Nice Dad

I made this thread because I am struggling with it for whatever reason and looking for advice

Okay, so how about simply avoiding any political talk with your father, since it's his reaction you seem on tenterhooks about?

He's entitled to his opinion - however deranged - and so is everyone else, which including your DP. So why not turn the temperature right down and concentrate on the things you all have in common instead of those you might never agree on?

I still don't get this 'privileged' tag AnnaF.
Just because someone's parents had 'access' to royals, it doesn't make them special or privileged.

People who work 'for ' Royals are servants in the broadest sense of the word.

As part of my former work, I have met royals - Prince Philip in fact- and many household name actors . I don't think this makes me privileged in any way as they were paying my wages! I may mention in passing when relevant that I met so and so, but it's part of my history and not a case of name dropping.

I think you are over thinking and an inverted snob. I just don't understand what you are talking about really.

Most of us want to change some things about our partners.

Mumsnet would scarcely exist if everybody was happy about their partner's attitudes to childcare, domestic work, financial behaviour, food, consumption of legal or illegal drugs.

So it does seem to me to be quite valid that in the early part of a relationship one might struggle with some aspects of a partner's political and cultural background - with their assumptions - when one's own views and experiences have been different.

I don't know why you are thanking people OP. There are some really vile comments on this thread.

I think there are a couple of issues at least at play here. He has been dishonest about his views (implying he is anti-monarchist) because he recognises that your own views are quite different. I think part of the discomfort comes from hearing him bragging and showing off (after all, who wants a partner with Prince Phillip mentionitis FFS). Showing off in this way is a horrible trait in it's own right, but when it reveals his blatant dishonesty too, that's a real double whammy. I'm not surprised you feel uncomfortable.

I guess the final ingredient is that you feel the need to conform to your parents' expectations. If you really thought he was a great guy, maybe you would care less about your parents opinions. Maybe not.

Ultimately, you have feelings for this person but you are learning that he is not comfortable with himself and will bend the truth. I think you like who he says he Is, and not actually who he is.

It seems very black and white though. Maybe instead of thinking he is either for or against a monarchy, you could accept that he has a more nuanced view based on personal experience of the people. Perhaps he isn't really sure where he stands.

And so he needs to lie about It?

Was it a lie? At that time he may have felt more that he doesn't agree with a monarchy. He may have thought it through and decided maybe he doesn't feel that way. If someone doesn't have a strong opinion they can often be swayed by people around him

Honestly, this thread really epitomizes the unpleasant side of mumsnet.
Someone asks for advice, one poster gives a critical reply and (almost) everyone else piles on, getting nastier and nastier.

The op doesn't deserve this. To me, her dp sounds crashingly unaware of how he comes across and possibly not entirely honest in what he has said in the past about his views. I don't think there would be anything wrong in asking him to give the Prince Philip anecdotes a bit of a rest.

Also OPus example of his washy washy attitude was referencing Prince Philip and a non royal so not sure how that works as a criticism of him.

If you're ashamed of him, walk away. Otherwise make it clear that don't impress you much and he's good enough as he is then steer the talk away from childhood / politics etc till your Dad can get to know him

I think you have a little reverse snobbery going on here, OP.