Struggling to deal with partners privilege - help?

[AnnaF55]

Been together for 9 months, has gone smoothly than all my other relationships. I am happier with him than I have ever been - but there's still one sticking point.

While my parents were/are political activists, one of his parents grew up on the Queen's estate. He told me this early on and also talked about how he's anti-monarch. Realising my left-of-centre views, I now think he only did this because he thinks it is what I wanted to hear.

The first time he met most of my family, he brought up the fact his family were raised on the queen's estate. I thought it sounded like he was bragging (although I suppose it is a major thing) and my parents listened politely, but it made me cringe. I find the topic kind of alienating because no one else can really relate to it. As a general rule though, he gets on really well with my family and they like him.

At dinner the other night he talked about little known tales related to Prince Philip, which I listened to because its part of his family life - but then he went on to talk about how he sympatises with the Prince who often wanted to go and live a normal life according to him. I couldn't listen any more, because the people I genereally do sympathise with in this country are NHS staff, people on food banks, etc and said 'I thought you were anti monarch??' and he said 'I don't know how I feel about them - I'm half and half.'

Eventually, we talked more and found a bit more common ground, but I did for the first time point out he has had a very privileged upbringing and may feel differently about some things if he were to see how poorer people lived. He accepted all this was true.

Do you think it is ok for my boyfriend to frequently bringing up his privileged background - how do I become less angry about it?! I really love my partner and don't like having disagreements.

Well he isn't doing anything wrong, he can't change his upbringing and not should he pretend it never happened to please you. When you love someone oh accept them for who they are. If you can't accept he had a privileged upbringing then leave. I suppose it depends on how important it is to you that he agrees with your opinions?

His parent grew up on the estate not him? Is that right?
To be honest it sounds like you have an issue with this and he's just making conversation... a lot of people would probably find it interesting for varying reasons. Imagine a post from him 'my partner keeps bringing up her dislike for the monarchy and banging on about how unprivileged she and her family are. I don't want her to talk about it anymore. AIBU?'

Yup. As several people have said, it sounds like you are ashamed of his background as it challenges your 'socialist credentials' with your family. If this were reversed, how would you feel?

So he had a rather different growing up experience than you did. Why not take the opportunity to learn a bit more about it, and how it made him the man you fell in love with?

Also if your parents are so prejudiced that they can't hear an anecdote from a privileged childhood without judging the person hen maybe is them you should be challenging not your DH. It doesn't sound as though he's attempting to rub anyone's face in it.

You can't expect him to never talk about his childhood or background just because yours is different. Switch it round, how would you feel if he asked you not to talk about your background in front of his family/friends.

Everyone has a past life, I was brought up never discuss, Politics, religion, sex or money, see how it all goes pear shaped.What is previleged about working for Monarchy, there was a pay list in the DM a couple of weeks ago, they dont earn much, so what if your parents were a brain surgeon or dustman, does it matter.

This exemplifies all the problems with our current left. Agree or be silenced.

My DH is solidly middle-class, I am not. We laugh about our differences. We do argue about our political leanings, but I accept that fundamentally we both want the same things for society -- it's just that we believe there are two extremely different ways to get there.

At no time has my husband's views, background or experiences made me 'angry' - that would be the equivalent of him getting angry at me for going to a Catholic school when he's an atheist. Just silly.

I think rather than moderating his conversations, you should look at why they make you so angry, and as a pp said, why your family's approval is so important to you.

Are you dating Paul Burrell?

Also- are you worried that he may look down on you, or his friends might? I worried about that - alot. But with literally one or two exceptions I can say that none of DH's friends (or his family) have given a shiny shit about my background, just who I am and that I make DH happy.

The only grief I got was from 'my side' of people thinking I have forgotten myself or whatever. I find that sort of inverse snobbery as obnoxious as run-of-the-mill snobbery.

Agree 100% with Figaro2017 and TheStoic

Unless you stop hero worshipping your dad this relationship won't work.

I am a staunch leftie. My privileged tory boss once said to me "not everything is a class war troodie". He was annoyingly right.

if you are blaming him for the household he was born into, then pperhaps you need to check your socialist privilege. You sound like an inverted snob, whereas from what you've said he's only stating facts which are both true and not caused by anything that he did or didn't do. That in itself isn't bragging or snobbery, and "blaming" him for his upbringing is odd.

What does 'growing up on the Queens estate' mean ? Is he related to Royalty or do his parents work there ?

Either way it sounds like name dropping and boasting..both not nice traits

I agree with Lonny also - DH and I fundamentally agree on the important things in policitcs - that the vulnerable ought to be protected, that we need a strong social welfare safety net etc. (These things are absolutely critical to me). But he views the path to getting there differently to mine.

Would it have helped if he'd have had the up brining of a working class hero, you know, like Jeremy Corbyn in his Manor House?

Your upbringing doesn't define you, he can be who he wants to be, even if he grew up on the Queen's estate. It's not his fault, he obviously spent a lot of his life there so why shouldn't he mention it?

I once dated someone who said they wanted to get elocution lessons before meeting my parents, this said more about their idiocy than it did about my life, my parents honestly don't care about the way someone speaks ffs.

So are you asking your dad to avoid certain subjects or views so he doesn't talk about things your partner disagrees with?

Sounds like a case of inverted snobbery to me. To be fair if you are worrying more about your father than how your partner feels, that's your issue not his. There's nothing wrong with him talking about his past, it's what's shaped him and made him who he is and quite frankly if you can't accept that then he is better off letting you go.

Oh great! vote for left centre parties and you're a better person, even more so if you're from a background of priviledge, this should make up for it.

OP this isn't going to work is it?
You want him to shut up about his background around your family.
You want to have lefty views when it comes to politics
You want .....

I think you're with the wrong bloke.

I remember my first day at work at a trendy ad agency. I was asked where I had just been on holiday and at 18 didn't really consider my answer before saying it. 'Barbados' I said. I didn't elaborate or say anything else. I was pulled into HR a week later and told that I needed to watch my behaviour as I had insulted several members of staff with my 'bragging'. I didn't understand at the time but now I am more aware that basically if people think you drive something nicer, go somewhere nicer or are somewhat nicer than them they will dislike you for it so I keep my mouth shut. Your boyfriends upbringing is your boyfriends upbringing, its you and your families attitude that is the problem not him.

I don't get why living on the Queen's estate would be considered bragging - but only because to me it sounds like his parents rented a house on land owned by the Queen so doesn't sound like a particularly privileged upbringing. What exactly do you mean by 'living on the Queen's estate'??

Lol at his cramping your socialist style

Sherbertpips, I'd be furious if someone told me off for honestly answering a question about where I'd been on holiday, HR were completely out of order imo

Op, if you love him this doesn't matter. He doesn't sound as if he's bragging.

What I'm struggling to understand is how some people have jumped to the conclusion that he is a snob? Perhaps he is very proud of his parents and his upbringing. Being proud of your upbringing is nothing to be ashamed of.

Sounds as though you're expecting too much from him and being very unfair... My best friend and I are entirely different in our upbringings and have very different political views but not once have I ever 'cringed' at her or wanted her to hush up because I love and respect her. I love that we are so different in some ways yet so similar in others. That's life!

You sound like you have an enormous chip on your shoulder and are a bit attention seeking about your political views, tbh

OP, it's the name dropping. I understand