Struggling to deal with partners privilege - help?

[AnnaF55]

Been together for 9 months, has gone smoothly than all my other relationships. I am happier with him than I have ever been - but there's still one sticking point.

While my parents were/are political activists, one of his parents grew up on the Queen's estate. He told me this early on and also talked about how he's anti-monarch. Realising my left-of-centre views, I now think he only did this because he thinks it is what I wanted to hear.

The first time he met most of my family, he brought up the fact his family were raised on the queen's estate. I thought it sounded like he was bragging (although I suppose it is a major thing) and my parents listened politely, but it made me cringe. I find the topic kind of alienating because no one else can really relate to it. As a general rule though, he gets on really well with my family and they like him.

At dinner the other night he talked about little known tales related to Prince Philip, which I listened to because its part of his family life - but then he went on to talk about how he sympatises with the Prince who often wanted to go and live a normal life according to him. I couldn't listen any more, because the people I genereally do sympathise with in this country are NHS staff, people on food banks, etc and said 'I thought you were anti monarch??' and he said 'I don't know how I feel about them - I'm half and half.'

Eventually, we talked more and found a bit more common ground, but I did for the first time point out he has had a very privileged upbringing and may feel differently about some things if he were to see how poorer people lived. He accepted all this was true.

Do you think it is ok for my boyfriend to frequently bringing up his privileged background - how do I become less angry about it?! I really love my partner and don't like having disagreements.

It depends a bit on how he mentions it. "When I was growing up, we had this massive garden to play in," vs "when I was growing up on the Queen's estate, we had this massive garden to play in."

Sometimes, it will be relevant to mention it, but if he's shoe-horning it wherever he can, that would make him an arse. Also, there's a difference between a tied cottage for a gardener and grace and favour sumptuous appartments because of years of loyal service close to HMQ.

It doesn't have to be a bad thing. I grew up on a landed estate because my father was the farm manager and we were in tied accommodation. He'd been to public school, my mother grew up by the docks where most of her family worked. I grew up playing with kids who later went to Eton and others who barely had two pennies to rub together. I like to think it makes me a more rounded person with a broader outlook. I generally don't talk about any of it unless it's relevant.

I agree with SparklingRaspberry. This is a really odd thread, and it almost sounds like the OP is bragging.

My husband's maternal family are rich, posh southerners. My husband's grandfather paid for him to go to an exclusive public school. My family are working class Northerners. Our families don't particularly like each other, but we get on fine with each other's families, so it makes no difference to any of us.

It seems like you are way more bothered about what your dad thinks than your boyfriend. If you spend your life being embarrassed by him, it's never going to work out, so just save yourself the aggro and call it a day.

His background is interesting. I'm not pro monarch but I would be really interested to hear his stories.

My background is a bit unusual and I do talk about it.

It's you who is the snob and almost making his life insignificant just because of his background. Don't you talk about your childhood and your friends and your experiences?

If you have difficulties with this I suspect this is not a good sign for your compatibility.

Did it come up in the context of a general conversation about royalty? If so, then why shouldn't he share his experiences?

On the other hand, when I meet someone for the first time I tend to describe myself in fairly neutral terms - as you just don't know the standpoint the other person is coming from.

There is a particular part of my life/upbringing that I do not mention because - in people's minds - it is associated with privilege. It's not on my FB page either. I only tend to mention it when asked a very direct question about what I was doing at a particular time.

I tend to find this makes social interactions a great deal easier. I suspect that other people who in one way or another have some kind of privilege, but who want to mix with a wide range of people without being sterotyped do the same.

So I think I'd be very inclined to talk about - say, my lovely childhood in Norfolk - without saying it was Sandringham. Even when asked a bit more I'd probably say, my parents worked for a landowner. So I wasn't lying to people, but I was also being spared from having to talk about the Royals (because a lot of people have strong views of one kind or another and most conversations on the topic would run a predictable course.)

I think you should split.

To be honest I have sympathy with both of you.

You are embarrassed that he grew up on a royal estate and would rather he "didn't mention it". And I think that is just as unaccepting as if someone asked/or even wanted to ask me not to speak about how I grew up in a council house, and not to mention people I knew as a child.

I worked with someone once who knew Ian Paisley (before he got to know Martin McGuinness), and I found some of his conversations a bit "odd" but I wouldn't have told him he couldn't mention him or even been embarrassed if he'd mentioned him to my family and friends (as long as he was tactful, especially with Catholics).

I do think you need to get out and see a bit more of life, but let this guy go and find someone who isn't embarrassed.

I agree this is an odd thread. OP you seem to think your views give you the moral high ground, but you come across as very narrow-minded tbh. In real life, nobody will give two hoots about the Queen's Estate or even know what it is People come from all sorts of places so don't worry about it.

He is who he is. And tbh you going on as if he should be ashamed of it, which is just odd.

If you can't get used to this aspect of him, you should probably break up. It is always going to be there. He has nothing to be ashamed of. And it is entirely up to him how he should talk about it.

Surely your family don't expect everyone they meet to be just like them???

Rather than mention it your partner, why don't you have a word with your parents and yourself about being so unpleasant and judgemental?

I Used to live very near the Queen's Estate. I had several friends who lived there. They were a nanny to someone in the admin department, a groom, and a junior footman. None of them earned more than £24k, or drove a flash car, or was a snob or 'privileged', they just happened to do a live-in job somewhere nice to live.

And for the record, despising someone over a circumstance of birth is not 'political', it's bigotry.

I think you are being a bit mean. This is a bad case of inverse snobbery!!!! You are writing off half his life. His upbringing is part of who he is today, if you don't like that maybe you should find someone with an upbringing you approve of.

I went to boarding school, my husband was brought up on a council estate. He is a lot happier and more confident than me as he actually had a much better childhood in terms of love and attention. We have the same values and get on really well.

Meghan is that you?

Grew up on the Queens Estate? Does that mean prison or barracks?

Aw I'd be dying for the gossip! I had slightly unusual bits of experience growing up and I have been known to bore on about it. Not because 'look how fancy/ special I am' but because it's a story and people sometimes are intrigued, or I can make people laugh. I love hearing about my other half's experiences growing up. I don't see anything more in this than that. Also, I once dated a guy who had a moat in his garden. I ribbed him mercilessly, which I hope was taken in the good humour it was meant :) He wasn't embarrassed by it and it wasn't about demonstrating he was super privileged. Someone once ribbed me about a story of a childhood sibling argument about musical instruments. That was privilege to him. I think some people are fairly naïve as to their own privilege, and so it can come across as parading it. I think you have to decide how much you will allow seeking your parents approval to affect your choices of partner.

hahaha at Monica

On the contrary to most people on this thread I think its fine to ask him to rein it in a bit with your parents. Yes, he is who he is but if he's blethering on about Poor Prince Phillip and his compromises, I don't think there is anything wrong with telling him that doing so in front of your parents basically makes them (and you) think he's a bit of an arse. He is a bit daft not to realise it for himself.

I don't mean he has to pretend he is someone other than who he is but showing a bit more awareness of his privilege wouldn't go amiss, I don't suppose.

You sound like a self-righteous, narrow minded snob imo. How could you even consider asking your DP not to talk about his upbringing as you're ashamed?! Like PPs have said, it's the exact same as asking someone not to mention their upbringing on a council estate or similar, just pure snobbery.

What exactly was privileged about his upbringing? He was brought up on an estate owned by the queen - so his parents were tenant farmers? The person owning the land makes little difference - my mother owned a shop on land owned by the Earl of Mar. The shop was in our family for 2 generations, in a small village - never saw the man himself.

To be honest if anyone sound like they've got their head up their backside because of their background it's you

Totally agree that this is inverse snobbery on your part, get over yourself (or in this case daddy)

But also, does that mean his parents were the gardeners, or that he's some kind of Viscount?

Perhaps he's not as privileged as you think. People who work maintaining the grounds often have grace and favour housing within the grounds. Perhaps they're servants.

Personally I find name-dropping unattractive.

My sister is in a relationship like this.

On the one hand I feel a little bit sorry for him as his background is an integral part of him and I think if he hasn't been exposed to issues re the real world for most people it is understandable that he sometimes doesn't understand and sometimes talks about things that seem ludicrous to you. What is important IMO is that he wants to understand, which it seems he does and is making an effort to.

Also you need to keep in mind that whilst it is good to expose him to the real world it is also necessary to keep in mind that people's 'concerns' are relative to their experience and to be a little bit forgiving if he is 'concerned' about things which you see as totally ridiculous in comparison to ordinary people's lives.

My sister's DP I feel sad about often because he is very radical politically, endlessly kind and humble, understands the poverty and inequality and his own privilege and never makes gaffes like this but he feels constantly guilty for having been born into the family he was.

If your dad hates him because of who his family are - then your dad is a bigot.

Prejudice is the sign of a dickhead, whether it is for race, religion, upbringing or anything else.

Check the mirror and vow not to inherit this attitude.

Why don't you clarify what "living on the estate" means, op? You've been asked several times...
If he lived in the gardener's cottage he's no privileged than anybody else.