Struggling to deal with partners privilege - help?

[AnnaF55]

Been together for 9 months, has gone smoothly than all my other relationships. I am happier with him than I have ever been - but there's still one sticking point.

While my parents were/are political activists, one of his parents grew up on the Queen's estate. He told me this early on and also talked about how he's anti-monarch. Realising my left-of-centre views, I now think he only did this because he thinks it is what I wanted to hear.

The first time he met most of my family, he brought up the fact his family were raised on the queen's estate. I thought it sounded like he was bragging (although I suppose it is a major thing) and my parents listened politely, but it made me cringe. I find the topic kind of alienating because no one else can really relate to it. As a general rule though, he gets on really well with my family and they like him.

At dinner the other night he talked about little known tales related to Prince Philip, which I listened to because its part of his family life - but then he went on to talk about how he sympatises with the Prince who often wanted to go and live a normal life according to him. I couldn't listen any more, because the people I genereally do sympathise with in this country are NHS staff, people on food banks, etc and said 'I thought you were anti monarch??' and he said 'I don't know how I feel about them - I'm half and half.'

Eventually, we talked more and found a bit more common ground, but I did for the first time point out he has had a very privileged upbringing and may feel differently about some things if he were to see how poorer people lived. He accepted all this was true.

Do you think it is ok for my boyfriend to frequently bringing up his privileged background - how do I become less angry about it?! I really love my partner and don't like having disagreements.

since childhood I have grown up in a very left-wing, political family that dislikes the royal family. Now, I have fallen in love with someone that challenges that.

Then you had it /him coming. I can't help but be a bit satisfied - sorry.

I am fascinated by the royals. But I'm also fascinated by Long Lost Family ie it's the family theme that interests me. Though I'm not being entirely honest - I imagine if I came into contact with said royals i'd be more agog than I'd like to admit. But I loathe the system that puts them there, I loathe their grotesque privilege and how they pay their employees peanuts, as though working for them is recompense enough. The fact is they are beyond price diplomatically - swings and roundabouts.

We have some domineering lefties in our family and, frankly, they're all for the bleeding crowd and couldn't give a toss for the individual, regardless of upbringing or experiences. So I may be a bit biased - sorry.

There are individuals behind stories. Don't get caught up in the broad story and miss the humanity within it. He has an interesting past and is also conflicted about it. So far, so human. Perhaps your dad has held sway for too long.

The anecdotes don't contradict his anti-elite stance at all. He's just telling stories about people from his childhood or his parents childhood. Everyone has stories about interesting and eccentric characters they've come across. The fact your dp speaks about Prince Phillip as someone who just wanted a normal life demonstrates that he sees beyond class to the person beneath, whereas you can only view the royals in terms of what they socially represent. Your dp's confusion as to whether he's anti-elite or not is probably due to liking the individual but disliking the titles and trappings that individual possesses.

He sounds like a good person from everything you've said and personally I would choose to view his upbringing and anecdotes as his personal history, not as evidence that his political views are at odds with yours. As previously said in the thread, not everything is a class war.

I'm wondering how old you are OP? You appear to be highly influenced by your parents' beliefs and values rather than arriving at your own.

Your experience is really about 'girl from left wing family meets posh lad from upper classes'. If you cannot cope with this , then dump him.

I had the reverse experience- I met someone early in my life who'd had what I'd call a privileged upbringing - top public school, wealthy parents, a life that revolved around doing 'the season', sister a debutante, whereas I had been raised in a pit village and had a father who worked in the shipyards when I was a baby.

Interestingly we didn't agree on politics, but not in the way you'd imagine!

I loved hearing about his life, it was so different to mine, he never boasted, and it simply wasn't an issue.

I think - being frank- you sound a little immature and inexperienced of life. If this man is right for you, it will work , despite the class difference.

I think you need to accept who he is. He's being honest, he's being himself, privilege and all.

This is part of him.

Jeez. You and your family sound hugely narrow minded. To think uou can tell someone not to mention their own background is fairly shit, th fact you're so anti monarchy you can't even listen to anecdotes says more about you than him, and it doesn't say anything pleasant. You can be able to have your own strong views and still be with others and hear theirs, but uou seem to be you can't cope with anything that is more privalged than you and yours.

The problem here is you not him. Rich or poor, if any partner said to me, could you not talk about your upbringing as we all find it offensive I'd tell them to fuck off to the other side of fuck.

i agree with MaryBerry.I am not clear if he is boasting, or simply talking about his life. MY DH talks about his life or his school friends etc. The fact that he thought it was normal to spend the summer at a relative's massive stately home is because it was normal for him. He can't pretend he spent his summers helping out at his dad's sweet shop just because that is how I spend my summer and because I think that is normal. He's not boasting, he is just chatting about the fun times he had fishing in the summer etc. You seem to see it through a prism of 'elitism or snobbery' when actually he can only talk about his own reality.

mattBerry sorry.

Anna he can be anti the monarchy whilst still liking the people he's met within that establishment though. Maybe that's why he's sitting on the fence, because it's not as black and white as if he was looking at them from the outside.

I think it is more complex than many people make out.

At university my daughter has a good friend who is from a wealthy background. (Large house in affluent part of London, privately educated, lhouse in the country, lots of international travel, skiing etc) The friend is lovely as are the family. But my daughter finds staying with them 'a bit much'. In a way it's like staying with people from another culture, or another religion. They're not boasting, but they do talk constantly about experiences which aren''t normal for less affluent people. For example my daughter went out with this young woman's school friends and they were all talking about how New York was the best place to go for Christmas shopping, because you could get so many bargains there.' So the friendship works better at university because there the frames of reference are similar.

I also think it is very normal to be influenced by the values of ones upbringing. For example my parents belonged to a particular religious group and also followed a particular diet. I no longer worship at the church and I don't eat the same kind of food. But there are foods I eat very little of as a result of my upbringing and my values are also shaped by the views of my parents and their church. I think most of us are very very influenced by our mothers and fathers. (Again Mumsnet probably wouldn't exist if family relationships weren't so important to us.)

I'd run a mile. If I was him.

My own partner and I have utterly divergent political views. We don't agree on abortion rights, FFS, which I'd have thought to be a fairly fundamental issue. But we love each other, and that matters far more than politics.

Now I get that for some people, having similar views matters. I mean, I couldn't be with a racist, for example. But you're not holding his views against him - you say he votes the right way (or the wrong way, depending on one's view) and all that. What you hold against him is where he came from - the one thing none of us can change.

Why are you with him? He deserves better.

Do you like him or not?

one of his parents grew up on the Queen's estate

Op you need to be a bit clearer. Did he live on the estate? Has he ever even met Prince Philip? Because it's one thing talking about your friend ( who happens to be a royal) and quite another cracking on that you are matey with the royals when you're not.

Which is it ?

And also, cynical git that I am, do you know that it's true?

The funniest part of this: the OP asked for advice about this issue, didn't like the answer, so went to another forum (one I also frequent) to ask a near-identical question in the hopes of attracting more positive responses that made her feel better.

Here's a general rule for posting "questions" to Mumsnet: is there only one answer you're interested in seeing? Will other answers make you see red and call them "unhelpful" or worse? Then just tell yourself the answer you want to hear, pretend you heard it from us, and save yourself the trouble.

Have you thought that he's so complimentary of the monarchy because he's been told so many positive stories about them. He might not be pro-monarch, he can just like Prince Phillip. Ask him to stop the name dropping, and stop taking it so seriously.

I dont think the relationship will work if you are bothered by his past. Its not going to change and you'll always be comparing him. Are you maybe slightly jealous that he had what you consider a better upbringing? I used to be a bit jealous when I was a kid of two of my friends who went to private schools, but I did get over it as I knew it was expensive to go there and my parents couldn't afford it.

You will probably always be comparing yourselves though and dislike his views. I dont have an opinion about the royals really although I think the queen has done her job with a higher level of dignity than most could only dream of copying. Prince Philip can be downright hilarious with his comments and really is wasted in his life, he should have been a comedian. Maybe thats the way your partner thinks of them?

What elinorrigby said as well could be true, you just clash on lifestyles. Whether you can get over that is the problem. You have been brought up around what seems like one lifestyle only and its a bit weird to you to be listening to a different one. Try not to compare though, you'll just make it worse by comparing.

He doesn't sound arrogant to me, perhaps actually a little nervous and he's trying to impress, and like most guys doesn't realise that what he is doing isn't impressive to the listener. If your dad can't see past it to the nice guy he is, its not an opinion I would listen to. I know my dad being the racist fool he is would not be able to see past the fact that one of my friends is from Iran. But a nicer person you would not meet and I would not listen to my dad on anything he would say about him because I know it would based on racist views.

It never occurred to me to ask my dh when we were dating whether he approves of the monarchy or how he votes.

I don't think the likes of Prince William are privileged at all. Would you have liked your mother to be chased by paps and killed when you were 11? Would you like your every move and every outfit scrutinised? When you are 80+ do you still want to be working like the queen. The "privilege" that you so despise comes with a heavy prrsonal cost and most of us wouldn't swap. All you can see is £££££. You sound bigoted and You'll be lucky if he's the one that doesn't dump you for your attitude to (royals) people you haven't met and no nothing of their day that day lives.

It all sounds a bit earnest and angsty.

And your dad does sound like a dickhead if he can't accept that people have different backgrounds.

Womb that's really funny

Are you quite young OP? I agree with others that you seek approval from your parents here.

You like the guy, he likes you. What his parents did is irrelevant. Your parents views are irrelevant. Why shouldn't the guy talk about the past? Sounds as though you are trying to make him fit an ideal 'daughter's boyfriend' box to please your parents. That's unhealthy.

Your parents, regardless of their political views should judge him on the way he treats their daughter, his kindness, his respect for her. If they see you blossom in his company, that should be all that matters.

Everybody has a background,, so what if it doesn't fit your parents views?

It's your relationship, not your respective parents and their views, jobs, that matter.

If you want a future with him, let him be his authentic self. If that self makes you embarrassed or makes you cringe, then examine your issues regarding that. Stop seeking others approval, if you know how you feel, their opinions shouldn't worry you, especially over something as minor as this.

There is a difference between being exposed to different political views and being asked not to mention your childhood because it's not the right one for your girlfriend's family.

Take a look at the whole situation and evaluate it. Do you and your parents ever talk about your background? Could you cope if you were never allowed to mention it? Are you asking something of him that you do not ask of yourselves?

Or is it genuinely that he does keep throwing it in your face in a confrontational manner?

The same with his political views. Is he deliberately confrontational or are you asking something of him that you wouldn't dream asking of yourselves or your parents? Might it be a good idea to revert to the old etiquette rule of never discussing politics around the dinner table?

As an immigrant to this country I have found social intercourse can be quite tricky because people don't want to be reminded that you're different. In my case, it sometimes ended up with my going along with some sort of pretence that I had had the same background as everybody else, that my roots were in some mythical English childhood that I only actually knew from children's books. It was ok for causal acquaintances, but with my ILs I'd have found it absolutely exhausting. Fortunately they never required it, being open-minded and not easily threatened.

I believe it is possible to have happy relationships across class boundaries, as well as across religious and cultural boundaries. But id demands mutual tolerance and loyalty. Not every relationship is strong enough to stand up under that pressure. Only you can decide if yours is.

As an immigrant to this country I have found social intercourse can be quite tricky because people don't want to be reminded that you're different.

Oh, this really resonates! Another immigrant here.

OP's comment about 'competing' in conversation has really stuck with me. My mum grew up somewhere really remote and quite 'exotic' - on the edge of the jungle, no electricity, they had servants but my grandmother also had to stitch up her own kids when they hurt themselves.

There is no way anyone could ever 'win' at conversation with her or my grandparents but thankfully most folk saw their stories as just incredibly interesting, rather than a competition to be 'won' or an attempt to show off. Their backgrounds were a massive part of who they were, rather than something to be hidden.

I think we are all puzzled about this growing up on the Queen's estate - that usually means some kind of minor not at all posh servant, usually who resents their lot so often are fairly left wing. At most it might be someone a bit higher up - like an estate manager.

The way I get on with most people I meet who I don't know if trying to find the common ground and we all hunt for it when we meet others - eg someone might have children as I do so that's your topic of conversation or you both might be struggling with high heating bills or both like a certainly hobby. I don't think I've met anyone for work or pleasure anywhere onthe planet from Iran to Nigeria with whom I cannot find something in common with whom I can make some connection.

However in marriages some fundamental differences can be very hard. I met a very nice man and we quite liked each other but we were at such opposite ends of the political spectrum and also both were very interested in politics and it was just too difficult. I am not saying couples with very different political views cannot get on but sometimes it feels an insurmountable barrier.

Honestly OP you come across as really holier than thou.

I don't think the likes of Prince William are privileged at all.

This has got to be one of the daftest things I have read on Mumsnet.

I don't think the likes of Prince William are privileged at all

All the royals are privileged, but I'd not trade places with them as the cost to my freedoms would be too high.