Struggling to deal with partners privilege - help?

[AnnaF55]

Been together for 9 months, has gone smoothly than all my other relationships. I am happier with him than I have ever been - but there's still one sticking point.

While my parents were/are political activists, one of his parents grew up on the Queen's estate. He told me this early on and also talked about how he's anti-monarch. Realising my left-of-centre views, I now think he only did this because he thinks it is what I wanted to hear.

The first time he met most of my family, he brought up the fact his family were raised on the queen's estate. I thought it sounded like he was bragging (although I suppose it is a major thing) and my parents listened politely, but it made me cringe. I find the topic kind of alienating because no one else can really relate to it. As a general rule though, he gets on really well with my family and they like him.

At dinner the other night he talked about little known tales related to Prince Philip, which I listened to because its part of his family life - but then he went on to talk about how he sympatises with the Prince who often wanted to go and live a normal life according to him. I couldn't listen any more, because the people I genereally do sympathise with in this country are NHS staff, people on food banks, etc and said 'I thought you were anti monarch??' and he said 'I don't know how I feel about them - I'm half and half.'

Eventually, we talked more and found a bit more common ground, but I did for the first time point out he has had a very privileged upbringing and may feel differently about some things if he were to see how poorer people lived. He accepted all this was true.

Do you think it is ok for my boyfriend to frequently bringing up his privileged background - how do I become less angry about it?! I really love my partner and don't like having disagreements.

His family are titled BTW and he has a trust fund but he is so deeply ashamed of this and I feel sorry because he is such a good and kind person.

I bet he's got some interesting tales to tell. Growing up and knowing royals is different to disagreeing with the idea of royalty itself. He can like the people he knew but dislike the social construct.

He's name dropping because he wants to appear interesting to your family.

All your dad should care about is whether this guy is treating you right
And last time I checked, we lived in a democracy and had a right to our own political and otherwise views without being silenced.
I feel very sorry for your boyfriend. Does he ask you to pretend to be something you're not in front of his parents?

you seem very judgemental.

You can only be with him if he never talks about his background/upbringing and believes everything that you do.

Why can't he be for the monarchy, if you feel the way you say you do about him, surely this shouldn't be a deal breaker?

You seem to be looking to be upset by him, which is no way to live for anyone.

I do think you need to give your head a little wobble.
You are taking offence/virtue signalling over his comment that he sometimes had sympathy for the Prince (Philip?). That does not exclude him feeling sympathy with the same groups of people as you. Simply that as one human being to another he could appreciate the restrictions and the challenges that go along with being a senior royal. It's not a life I would want and it's well known that Prince Phil has grated at the life sometimes - like not being able to give his children his surname.

So long as he isn't bragging and going on about it, I actually think your boyfriend is well aware of his "privilege" and he seems to accept your political views, so cut him some slack or dump him.

So you are saying that because he has a background that you don't approve of he should keep quiet and not talk about it. You appear to have a 'I am right and he is wrong' manner about you which isn't fair. He is who he is .... and you should respect that. I bet you would be the first to get upset if he told you to not talk about your family/upbringing infront of his parents. You do know, lefties aren't everybodies cup of tea either? Perhaps you and your parents should listen to what he has to say and stop getting all judgemental. It's called good manners. You might actually find what he has to say interesting.

I don't mean to imply I think you are wrong BTW.

Different beliefs and different backgrounds can cause fundamental incompatibility and there are certainly particular things that everyone feels are irreconcilable differences even if there are also some things that are differences that make things interesting.

I don't think the answer is as simple as he needs to keep his true self hidden from your family or that you and your family have to accept him for all he is.

It is somewhere in the middle. What matters the most is what you each think of each other. You need to think about which of your differences are lovely, which are annoying but tolerable and if there are any which are intolerable leading to fundamental incompatibility. And you need to do this without reference to how your family may think or feel about him IMO.

You sound like you're ashamed of him.

Do him a favour and dump him so he can go out with someone who isn't embarrassed by his background.

I think you sound difficult and chippy. It's his upbringing and past - would you be happy if someone you loved told you you couldn't talk about that? I know I wouldn't

I think you are suffering from inverted snobbery. You say the relationship is going smoothly. Just because he grew up on the queens estate, doesn't mean he is royalty - what position did his family hold? they could have been groundspeople, butlers, anything - these are not paid that well. I think you are being harsh. You need to get over your differences, or move on.... You don't have to be peas in a pod, to have values in common.

This thread is really showing some amazing assumptions. Nowhere has the OP said her dad hates him. And to me the OP clearly is capable of her own political opinions (hero worshipping her dad? ).

To me its more about the DP banging on about a point of fundamental disagreement, assuming that everyone else in the room shares his opinion. It probably worked a treat on other girlfriend's parents. It's potentially v boring.

He is not privileged- he was the child of a servant. Yes he might have lived in nice surroundings.

Why are you so judgmental of your supposed DP?

It is perfectly normal to be anti establishment but to like many of the individuals who are a part of it.

Likewise it is perfectly acceptable to have differing views and not expect others to agree with you or to shut up.

I'm left in my leanings too but you're embarrassing. Either you love who he is now or you don't.

Presumably the OP doesn't go round to his parents house and go on at great length about being signed up member of the republican movement, and how the Royals are bunch of spongers. And expect his parents to be impressed.

You sound like you have a MASSIVE chip on your shoulder, and a PP is spot on with you worrying too much what daddy thinks

Poor bloke, you sound like hard work.

If he's being dull mentioning it too often - tell him. Although, I'm always interested in different childhoods than my own and his sounds interesting.

Anything else seems to just be you and your need to identify as left of centre.

I smell a rat.Truly well bred people don't feel the need to name drop. They are usually too incredibly polite to mention it. Are you sure he isn't just making it up?

You're not suited, end it.

I think he sounds interesting actually and I would be fascinated to hear about life experiences so far outside my own sphere.

I've got a Leftie family as well. When I was at university, I dated a bloke who was your perfect man. He was a factory worker, Union organizer who got to university under his own steam and at great personal cost.

He was a terrible boyfriend.

Maybe think about whether you actually want to be with this bloke. Does he make you happy? Because if you're picking at this, he probably doesn't. Otherwise you'd think it was sweet, not shameful.

I think he sounds pretty interesting, but then I love hearing about people's experiences that are a bit different in any way. Why should he be ashamed of his trust fund. I don't think he has to apologise for his upbringing or the privilege that came with that. It's important he uses his privilege to live well and do as much for others as possible but he doesn't need to apologise or feel ashamed to you or anyone.

The is relationships is quite frankly doomed.

The op has said that this man will not go down well with her dad due to his background.

Forget about his background, I'd be more alarmed at how dim and wishy washy he sounds.

Lots of folk found here live on private estates and many have tales of the laird and his family but they were low paid workers . I can't see what is 'priveleged' except the surroundings were prob lovely countryside not overcrowded tenements or whatever squalor you and your DPs grew up in.