Struggling to deal with partners privilege - help?

[AnnaF55]

Been together for 9 months, has gone smoothly than all my other relationships. I am happier with him than I have ever been - but there's still one sticking point.

While my parents were/are political activists, one of his parents grew up on the Queen's estate. He told me this early on and also talked about how he's anti-monarch. Realising my left-of-centre views, I now think he only did this because he thinks it is what I wanted to hear.

The first time he met most of my family, he brought up the fact his family were raised on the queen's estate. I thought it sounded like he was bragging (although I suppose it is a major thing) and my parents listened politely, but it made me cringe. I find the topic kind of alienating because no one else can really relate to it. As a general rule though, he gets on really well with my family and they like him.

At dinner the other night he talked about little known tales related to Prince Philip, which I listened to because its part of his family life - but then he went on to talk about how he sympatises with the Prince who often wanted to go and live a normal life according to him. I couldn't listen any more, because the people I genereally do sympathise with in this country are NHS staff, people on food banks, etc and said 'I thought you were anti monarch??' and he said 'I don't know how I feel about them - I'm half and half.'

Eventually, we talked more and found a bit more common ground, but I did for the first time point out he has had a very privileged upbringing and may feel differently about some things if he were to see how poorer people lived. He accepted all this was true.

Do you think it is ok for my boyfriend to frequently bringing up his privileged background - how do I become less angry about it?! I really love my partner and don't like having disagreements.

So people are trying to snob all over you OP to teach you the error of your ways....

Is he expecting you to match it?

Is it not just simply that you are all talking to each other about your own lives?

Him talking about his background etc shouldn't be making you feel like you have to compete whether it is by sharing similar things to his or defensively pointing out your background is more humble.

He is no better or worse than you simply by virtue of the family you were each born into. You shouldn't be trying to compete, not in either way. You have different backgrounds, that's all, if you feel threatened by/insecure about his more privileged background then it is a guaranteed source of conflict for the entire time you spend together.

Equally if he feels his privileged background makes him better than you and your family or you feel your more normal experience makes you better then what is the point in being together?

You definitely both need to not see talking about things to do with your different backgrounds as inherently critical or competitive.

If he is inconsistent in his views that is a bit annoying but not the worst thing in the world unless he thinks his ever changing views are always superior to yours.

And TBH if all someone banged on about was the royal family then I'd dump them for being boring, nevermind if they were rich or poor...

It's not JUST the royal family, it's Prince fucking Phillip in particular. Which is a concern in itself.

Working and living on the Queens state doesn't mean he was privileged. Living in a tied accommodation working for wealthy people doesn't mean any privilege believe me!

I actually value having my DSIS' BF in our family. They have been together 9 years and are not planning on marriage partly because of all the difficulties relating to expectations re the marriage ceremony (his family will expect full formal traditional etc) and the financial issues re him having trust fund and being from aristocratic family.

I wish that he didn't feel quite so ashamed or difficult about his family background because he is both one of the kindest and most interesting people I have ever met. I wish that the issue of marriage and children was not so difficult for my sister because of all the social rules imposed by his family. But the fact he has had such an extraordinarily privileged life also benefits everyone who knows him because he is very educated and very interesting and I have been able to understand much much more about the class system from the inside having come from a very left very politically active family. It is rare for ordinary people to actively mix with aristocratic families and it has taught me a lot about it.

I think you also need to see it as an opportunity to learn things about class, rather than simply as a competition.

And also, if it was the case that he was relatively wealthy and around aristocracy but not part of it his mentionitis about the royals may simply be much more to do with his own class anxieties than anything at all to do with you.

The world needs a lot more people like you, Offred

There does still persist a belief amongst the landed that one is either one of them or not. He may have learned to cope with social situations by constantly mentioning his connections to the landed classes because it was what got him through being around them but not one of them.

Ah thanks very much!

Why cant he have some sympathy for Prince Phillip and have sympathy for people who are on low wages and be concerned about the NHS?

Do you have a limited amoutn of sympathy?

I dont. And i get having sympathy for a person who has spent his entire life, wishing it was different. Yes he has loads privileges, that doesnt mean his life is perfect or he doesnt have regrets.

To you the royal family arent real people. They are a priviledged group who you hold up as everything that is wrong with society.

To him they are real people who he probably liked its a lot more difficult to hate the idea of a royal family if you have always known them as people.

Also, as has been said, growing up on a royal estate doesnt make your privileged.

I personally think you need to check yourself and your own views. Its so unbelievably wring to ask your partner ti hide who they are. And if your dad is a dick, deal with that. Rather than expecting your dp to pretend to be something he isnt.

How much time are you spending talking about the royal family that this has become a big issue?!

I have a friend whose family lived on the Windsor estate (his father grew up there). He is a Viscount and his family are most definitely privileged and not staff! I'm assuming the OPs partner is from a similar background.

OP, unless he is mentioning his background in an attempt to show off, I'd back off being so negative about it. He is who he is and you can't change his background. He should be able to talk about his upbringing (in a non showy offy way!). I come from a fairly privileged background (not aristocracy! Am not even British born!) and it drives me nuts when I mention something about my childhood in front of the ILs and they immediately feel this need to put it down, usually by saying something like, "Well our children never needed..." Drives me nuts.

You've all got chips on your shoulders.

This article may do something to explain why many of us feel stressed by the close proximity of people who are more privileged than ourselves.

www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/may/25/plane-rage-first-class-air-travel-united-passenger-removal

It isn't necessary inverted snobbery or 'having a chip on one's shoulder...

I think many of the landed gentry are supposed to see the Royals as newby upstarts (as they became wealthy in the 12th-16th C or whenever). So one wouldn't brag about chit chat with them particularly.

He was probably just making conversation. I support the monarchy so I would find it very hard to date someone like you and your family actually.

ElinorRigby, kittybiscuits, Naicehamshop, Offred - thank you for your kindness. His comments on Prince Philip took me by surprise and I told him this was very different from original conversations we had had. We both said that we were glad we were so aligned about beliefs etc early on! If his potentially pro-Monarchy beliefs had come up on an early date, I probably would have reconsidered.

Offred may be right about bringing this issue up to feel more at home amongst the 'landed'. He has privately schooled friends, for example, while his parents chose to send him to state school. I can imagine he might feel the need to impress some of them...

LedaP - I already said I do see them as individuals. I have nothing against them each personally, but I disagree with the elitist system they uphold. I have answers to your Qs but I'm not going to expand any more as I don't want the thread to get nastier.

I think he will probably give mentionitis a rest for a while. I can feel a certain degree of sympathy for the vast majority of people and I find the history of the royals very interesting as a topic - but I'm afraid I draw the line at listening to Prince Philip ancedotes.

I am anti elitism and inequality, anti bad behaviour but try very hard not to be anti any person.

I have been told in the past my fence sitting is frustrating! Though I do enjoy a Prince Phillip anecdote in the same way some people crane their necks to look at car crashes incessant royal family mentionitis would bore me to tears unless there was some substance to it.

I would find the part apart him wanting to be normal somewhat interesting and would want to talk more about the general constraints the class system places on individuals and the collective...

I'm left of centre and my husband is right. He studied politics and I'm very interested in it. So what? You're not Narcissus, he doesn't need to be identical to you. But don't hid your views or you'll resent him. Make a joke of it, tease him - turn it into a spark. Imagine if he was going home to his family and saying 'I like her but she's a bit common'. Don't be choppy and don't let the monarchy get in the way of true love. It's petty.

Is he pro monarchy or pro a person his family know personally?

I ask because I'm not impressed by religion in general, yet most of the clergy or religious people I know are actually lovely.

What Joysmum said. I'm an atheist. I think the Pope is great. The two aren't mutually exclusive. I'm not a massive royalist but I think anyone who works a 6 day week with regular international travel well into their 90s deserves respect no matter whether I agree with the job he does or not.

Joysmum he has mixed views on it - he likes the royals to some extent because of his family's experiences with them. This was 100% news to me as he has been continually criticising them til now - a 180. I agree, I am not religious either but plenty of religious folk I would rather spend time with over militant athiests etc.

'Don't let the monarchy get in the way of true love' - never a truer word was said Kimmy! . No, I wouldn't him to be identical - been there done that. It is, however, important to me that he exposes himself to different types of views and people that are outside his 'sheltered' (as he put it!!) upbringing. And I should do/am doing the same.