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Original poster

How do Men cope when their DW or DP EARNS MORE than them???

234 replies

drosophila · 16/03/2007 18:30

Just wondering. I know some people in this situation and I think it is having an effect.

How much of a man's self esteem is tied up in being the main or sole breadwinner?

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 16/03/2007 18:31

What effect?

IME it doesn't matter a jot as long as the people involved are nice.

motherinferior · 16/03/2007 18:32

Pretty well every bloke I've had a serious relationship with earned less than me. Including my current partner, until around a year ago.

It's never mattered a bit. Although in the previous boyfriends they had such massive egos and were so convinced they/their jobs were the most important thing in the world that my greater income was regarded just as a subsidy for the Great Genius.

gothicmama · 16/03/2007 18:32

in dg's case it's not an issue but some blokes do have more traditional views I think it also depends on how finances are dealt with in th erelationship

motherinferior · 16/03/2007 18:35

Not always, Gothicmama. I've always had a separate bank account, paid into my own savings and pension, and consider myself to a great degree a separate financial entity.

Smurfgirl · 16/03/2007 18:36

My dp will earn less than me when I qualify and it is unlikely he will ever earn more than me he does not care really - its all our money.

shonaspurtle · 16/03/2007 18:36

Dh earns less than me, not a huge amount less but enough that we seriously thought about him going part time to look after ds rather than me.

Doesn't seem to bother him a jot. We very much see all money coming into the relationship as joint so whoever earns it the more the merrier!

He's said a couple of times that he wishes he earned enough for me to be a sahm but I don't think it's ever been a self-esteem issue, just "what if".

Boobsgonesouth · 16/03/2007 18:36

mine was always fine about in the heady days before children....

now that he's the major breadwinner it's kinda balanced out....

funnypeculiar · 16/03/2007 18:40

DH has always earnt less than me, and still does, even though I only work two days a week now.
He will occassionally call our savings (various bundles squirreled away from bonuses) "my" money, but otherwise doesn't seem to think about it. I certainly don't.
He also thinks about housework more than I do, though, so he's possibly not a typical male

crunchie · 16/03/2007 18:42

I am th emajor breadwinner and in some ways that does has an effect on dh. It was one of the reasons he took 2 years to decide to marry me as he was worried he wouldn't be able to support me and a family. Part of this comes from his traditional upbringing and I think that needs to be taken into account too.

For us it is fine as I work and have always earnt enough for us to live off as a family without too much comprmise. When dh's works his money pays for extras. However he has never taken money off me for himself. He lives off whatever he earns, the joint account pays for all the bills and stuff and we each keep our own accounts. In 12 years I can't remember subbing him at all, and he often has periods out of work as he is an actor.

I have never resented his earning potential, and only in the most vicious rows has it come up. I sometimes get irritated if he resents paying for something eg when he is working he pays childcare and other stuff and then gets annoyed if I ask for money for the car to be serviced or something. However he understands that I don't have much to save and therefore why should he

gothicmama · 16/03/2007 21:12

motherinferior what I thik I was trying to say if some people (women or men) if they have lower income than partner can resent not having money to spend if teh other partner spends alot on themselves. Primarily it must be what works for you as a couple and as individuals

Original poster
drosophila · 16/03/2007 21:56

One couple I know the man had a bit of a breakdown surrounding the issue of him not being as successful as his wife. It nearly was the end of them and I think may still be.

The other couple has him as a SAHD and he seems depressed. DP thinks it is to do with how he views himself and how he thinks society views him.

OP posts:
Cashncarry · 16/03/2007 22:51

Surely one of you will always earn more than the other at any given point.

I think if you define yourself by how much you earn you'll always have problems tbh

nooka · 16/03/2007 23:11

I think that the money disparity was a major factor in my relationship with dh breaking down. I both earned more and have inherited more, and at times I know it has made him feel both bitter and depressed. I don't know how much of this is due to the fact he hasn't ever really found his calling, or his traditional upbringing (although he himself does not have traditional views). We also have very different attitudes about money , which hasn't helped. I'm a saver (and occasional binger) but he just doesn't seem to be able to manage money at all, except to accuse me of being tight when I don't want to spend money on things he wants. Now we have separated he is still rubbish with money, which is depressing, as I had though that if he felt the money was really "his" he might be more sensible with it. A case for Spendaholics, I think.

doggiesayswoof · 16/03/2007 23:18

I think if you define yourself by how much you earn you'll always have problems tbh

Great post Cashncarry.

doggiesayswoof · 16/03/2007 23:20

Is this to do with insecurity or lack of it? If someone is happy in themselves it won't be an issue. tis when people have probs with self-worth that things like earning power have to be used to shore up their egos.

booge · 16/03/2007 23:32

DH earns less than I do working part time but we are both equal partners and his work is as important as mine.

looneytune · 17/03/2007 13:10

I've always earnt more than dh, until very recently, and I thought it didn't bother him until he had a breakdown recently and it all came out. He feels crap because I earnt more when working and then have made a success of every venture since I became a SAHWM (party plan business was success, now childminding and web designer). I don't necessarily think it's always about the money with my dh? Think part of it is that I've made a success of things and he's never done that really. It doesn't bother me but he's a traditional guy and feels he should provide. He's 15 years older than me and for some reason seems to think he's on the scrap heap

Winestein · 17/03/2007 13:22

I earn more than DP. He seems to have no problems sponging off me
He doesn't like the fact that he doesn't earn as much money as he would like - and is especially infuriated when plebs like me earn loads more.
If he were the main breadwinner our relationship just would not work - primarily because he is as tight as a gnats ass and would not be able to part with money to share it out.
(is it still bitching if it's true?)

Catbabydaddy · 17/03/2007 18:28

I earn a bit less than DW, and so what? I like being a kept man.....

WideWebWitch · 17/03/2007 18:29

I earn more, doesn't bother either of us.

prettyfly1 · 17/03/2007 19:08

i am thinking from a different perspective (not my own i might add so dont shoot me!)- are there women out there who resent partners who earn less then them - do they feel dominant in the relatinship, or as though there are more responsibilities on them - do they feel that tehy are held back by a partner who doesnt earn as much. I amsingle and happily so but i know a few women who earn more and the role reversal does bring up really interesting issues in the relationship!

AnnabelCaramel · 17/03/2007 19:11

I earn more than my dh. At the moment I'm not working and we're broke. I'd love to stay home with my lo for 5 years, but no way is that gonna happen. Sometimes, especially when I'm tired, I'd love to have no financial responsibility at all but it's what we're stuck with and resentment gets you nowhwere.

motherinferior · 17/03/2007 19:16

I genuinely don't get this (well, I do a bit, but I'm being disingenuous here). Is it somehow 'natural' for men to earn more than women? Is some kind of Cosmic Order being disturbed if a woman gets a job that's paid more than that of her male partner? What about lesbian couples - do permissible earnings depends on who wears trousers/does more hoovering?

Or are we simply reinforcing the sexist system that means that - regrettably IMO - in reality men do tend to be paid more than women?

prettyfly1 · 17/03/2007 19:22

mother inferior in an ideal world you are so right and i agree completely, but its only the last thirty years or so that this has become an issue in this country and i think that the past centuries of gender responsibility conditioning are going to take time to adjust to. I am a single parent who earns a good amount so i cant imagine sharing responsibility with anyone but i can imagine how it might be emasculating for a man, or hard for a woman who wants to stay at home with her children to readjust traditional concepts of who does what in the family because of money.

LaDiDaDi · 17/03/2007 19:22

I earn significantly more than my dp, over twice as much, and I think it affects us a little bit. I feel a bit more of the weight of financial responsibilty than he does and sometimes he complains that he wishes he earned more so that he could "provide" for us more. Realistically we agree that both of us being happy in our jobs and together providing a nice life for us and dd is what counts.

I do feel sometimes that our parents feel that it's an issue in a way that wouldn't cross their minds if our roles were reversed which makes me think that societal sex stereotyping is the real issue!