How do Men cope when their DW or DP EARNS MORE than them???

[drosophila]

Just wondering. I know some people in this situation and I think it is having an effect.

How much of a man's self esteem is tied up in being the main or sole breadwinner?

Fantastic sexual connections... well just come back on here and write about that when you've been with him for 15 years. Things change over time with most couples.

annie - i agree totally. My Dp has been totally willing to move areas for my caree, given that it was moving when his was not. Yes, I earn more than him, but he has given me the opportunity to do so, and we both benfit financially from it, and emotionally too. Thate he is/wants to be there for our LO is wonderful. He does not want to give p work fully, and I understand that, and would not want that either, so we have compromised and are sharing the care of our LO. Flexibility and communication are key for our relationship.

Xenia - you know, I do know a lot of people who have been or were married for a very long time who had a great and long-lived sex life (including my maternal grandparents, together for over 50 years).

I personally think that attraction and sex is what it's all about... and then you have to create the relationship around that...

Not read whole thread, just OP.

Er, is it an issue? I was never aware of it. I way 'out earned' dh in the early days when we first got together, first bought our house etc. It's all changed now but it was never an issue before.

How odd to think there would be. People do have hang ups about very bizarre things imo.

"Or what happens when they never actually chose their role in the first place - it just kind of happened! " Good question Soapbox. I think that it the real situation with most people.

I work pt even though I earned more. I can then do school run etc. DH works full time as his isn't the kind of job that lends itself to pt working. But as he's self-employed he has the flxibility to take days off as and when children need him. I also work from home twice a week and additionally when I need to. So ...all very flexible and lovely...except it isn't. Both of us end up frazzled and exhausted at the end of the week. I have toyed with the idea of getting a better paid job and being prepared to commute - I'd not see the kids much and DH would probably have to give up work but financially we'd still be better off and each of us would have defined roles rather than both is us trying to do bits of everything. Sometimes life just happens to you and you make of it what you can.

Agree totally with Orlando and others who have posted about how circumstances change!

Can I just say that what really haunts me isn't a Xenia-like terror of DH having a half-share of all our property should we split up. It's the fact that as the WOHP, the best I could hope for would be shared residence of the DCs - and if it went badly, DH could well get residence with me just having some access to them at weekends. Now that would utterly destroy me. I would seriously warn any WOHM with a SAHD partner to think through the consequences of this one very carefully.

i earn moremoney than dh - he rarely mentions it - but when he does he says things like " i'm getting a promotion THEN I@LL be the major breadwinner around here and you can worship at my feet"

" aye, when you worship at mine" says i.

i think it bothers him ever so slightly. i like that it bothers him.

Better get that sex life sorted then Dino

Sorry to be so flippant but it is just the kind of over simplified analysis which irritates me.

I can totally understand where you are coming from - and I bet it is one of those consequences that you just don't sit down and think about when you are making the choice to be the breadwinner in a relationship

Soapy, that, honestly, wouldn't be the issue that would split us up.

Yes, I bet even Xenia didn't plan to be a single parent with a £million mortgage in her forties .

Annie - does it bother you that it has never been a choice for you? Or do you just not ever go there?

Dino - don't tell me that you have time to fit in a fantastic sex life as well - I am in awe

Well, I only work four days a week, remember and DS3 still has a nap, so...

Have just skimmed the thread so apologies if I missed something important. I don't really want to get too involved in the debate but just to say that me being the sole breadwinner (not just earning a bit more) has been an issue just as bossykate says in her 19/03/07 15:15 post. The pressure and burden can at times seem unrelenting.
Can I also say that I really like reading Xenia's posts. She talks a lot of sense, puts her points across in an articulate and thought out manner and even if her opinions are not always popular she never gets personal.

anniemac your second paragraph is spot on.

Annie - that is interesting

It appears that you believe that the choice to do things differently might arise in the future - so there is a degree of future flexibility for you. Also interesting that your family is not yet complete?

I wonder how it feels to be in this situation when the family is growing up and the opportunity to do things differently dwindling by the day? Presumably as the gulf between the lower and higher earner in the family might increase as time goes on.

That's true Annie - none of us really know what is round the corner!

I'm very much hoping as well for us that as the children get older, that will increase the possibility to be flexible, rather than diminish it.