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Original poster

How do Men cope when their DW or DP EARNS MORE than them???

234 replies

drosophila · 16/03/2007 18:30

Just wondering. I know some people in this situation and I think it is having an effect.

How much of a man's self esteem is tied up in being the main or sole breadwinner?

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 19/03/2007 16:32

I certainly know from experience that it means you have to pay out a huge load of money to the man on divorce so do bear that in mind.

suejonez · 19/03/2007 16:39

so I am better off single then Xenia

bossykate · 19/03/2007 16:43

oh just me then i see. while the dh's are allowed to "love[s] that [female partner] earn lots of money, he loves the security and choices it buys us.." - it's a bit unreasonable and unhealthy of me to "expect him to earn more than me so I could have an easier time of it..."

not that that is what i'm expecting!

Anna8888 · 19/03/2007 16:44

Some men (but by no means all) feel emasculated if their partner earns more than them.

Some women like the feeling of control and victory over men that earning more than their partner brings.

I think that, in a healthy couple where the balance of power is discussed openly, money should be viewed as just ONE form of contribution to a joint life. What matters is that both partners in a couple are making an active contribution to each other's and their joint lives and that both are appreciated.

bossykate · 19/03/2007 16:49

"What matters is that both partners in a couple are making an active contribution to each other's and their joint lives and that both are appreciated."

Totally agree!

beckybrastraps · 19/03/2007 16:53

There is a difference between loving what you have, and expecting something you don't.

Do you feel your dh should have a better paid job? Is that possible? I mean, some careers are better rewarded than others financially. That's how it is.

beckybrastraps · 19/03/2007 16:55

OK. More to it I guess BK.

OrmIrian · 19/03/2007 16:57

I am just about earning the same as DH for the first time since I went part-time. I don't think it bothers him. We both put a certain amount of money into a joint a/c every month - it's calculated to ensure that we both have the same amount left in our personal a/cs. The only thing that bothers him is that he knows I'd have liked the chance to be at home for a while with the kids.

bossykate · 19/03/2007 16:59

bbs, i think you are being a little harsh. you and your dh got to swap roles, if i've understood correctly? but if that was what i wanted - not saying it is - i won't be going into the detail of my situation - that would be a bad and selfish thing?

bossykate · 19/03/2007 17:01

maybe it really is just me who is not totally 100% thrilled to be the main earner whatever!

Soapbox · 19/03/2007 17:04

Is it being the main earner that rankles a little BK, or not having the choice as to whether to work or not, full stop?

Even if you were not the main earner but had to work full time in order to bring enough money into the household to survive. Would that not be the same, i.e. OH doesn't earn enough for me to have the choice as to whether to work or not?

Or is it something else in the situation that is the bothersome bit?

bossykate · 19/03/2007 17:07

sorry, soapy, not prepared to go into details.

it was a genuine question, i.e. are there any (other) female main earners who are a bit p'd off by it?

second scenario - could be, but would depend on other factors.

beckybrastraps · 19/03/2007 17:08

Gosh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be harsh at all. I just thought that the two things in your post weren't equivalent. Your next post suggested that there was more to your situation. if I came over harsh. I don't think it would be selfish. But I do have to say that now a swap wouldn't be possible for us either. I couldn't earn enough to replace DH's salary and we wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage. We are fortunate in that dh has done his SAHD bit, and isn't interested in going back. If he were, well, I don't know what we would do. Part time each I suppose.

aDad · 19/03/2007 17:09

would be zero problem to me and has been the case in the past.

Soapbox · 19/03/2007 17:09

OK, BK

Judy1234 · 19/03/2007 17:24

It never bothered me when we were married and to start with we earned about the same. I don't think it led to the divorce in any way but after the divorce this country is so notorious for favouring lower earners that when there's a choice of place to divorce people flock to England and they you see the downside of being the higher earner.

MrsPhilipGlenister · 19/03/2007 17:24

BK, I think you know my views on this...

bossykate · 19/03/2007 17:26

haha, come out then! it's a very lonely spot

MrsPhilipGlenister · 19/03/2007 17:29

It'll only get my blood pressure up...

Judy1234 · 19/03/2007 17:31

Some men it bothers. I've had men email - it doesn't matter that you earn more (which really means it does matter), not that I would ever say anything about what I earn anyway but conclusions are jumped to.

OrlandoTheMarmaladeCat · 19/03/2007 17:38

My DH absolutely LOVED it when I was the breadwinner (by a pretty vast margin). He went part-time, then started up his own business, worked when he wanted to, only took jobs on that he wanted etc. He had an absolute ball.

I, on the other hand, ended up having a nervous breakdown. Although not the sole contributing factor, the stress of being the breadwinner weighed very heavily.

We talked very openly about it, and DH was utterly clear that his self-esteem was not a) tied up with his job nor b) dependent on him supporting the family.

Part of our problems now stem from the fact that I am not able to (nor, frankly, keen to) do significant work again. Boy, does he mind that!!

bossykate · 19/03/2007 17:41

i know my mental health has been compromised by the pressure.

for you orlando.

Judy1234 · 19/03/2007 17:49

I hope those who feel pressured by earning more realise how men feel a lot of the time. It's quite a burden having a wife who expects to stay at home and you are the sole breadwinner and I don't think it's very fair and right that women often get a choice to stay home and men don't. It's also terribly sexist.

bossykate · 19/03/2007 17:51

like, duh!

Tinker · 19/03/2007 17:52

Lurking here but have to say this is one of the reasons I couldn't comfortably be a SAHM. Wouldn't feel ok about assuming my partner would be happy with teh whole financial burden.