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Relationships

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Original poster

How do Men cope when their DW or DP EARNS MORE than them???

234 replies

drosophila · 16/03/2007 18:30

Just wondering. I know some people in this situation and I think it is having an effect.

How much of a man's self esteem is tied up in being the main or sole breadwinner?

OP posts:

motherinferior · 17/03/2007 19:25

Ah, you see, DP's mum always earned more than his dad did. Even when his dad wasn't in prison

LucyJones · 17/03/2007 19:28

My dh never had a problem with it. Only downside I can think of is I did all the saving and we used that money to get important things done to the house/ car etc whilst he frittered away his disposable income on whatever his fancy took him.
Now of course it's pay back time as he is main breadwinner

Gingerbear · 17/03/2007 19:29

I used to earn more than DH before I went part-time. Never bothered either of us. All money went in same pot.
I used to call him my gigolo. Now he is more of a sugar daddy.

Blu · 17/03/2007 19:30

I earn more than DP, and in both my brother's and sister's relationships it is the same - the woman earns more.

It isn't an issue for us - no more than any of the other issues, anyway!

Blu · 17/03/2007 19:34

If i earned a huge lot more than DP - say twice as much, enough for us to live on one salary, I would perhaps be resentful that he didn't 'do the decent thing' and take all the strain of us re childcare, housekeeping etc. But of course, the reason we are both relatively badly paid (I'm not whinging about it!) is that we are in work we really enjoy.

But the difference in our salaries isn't enormous, in the scale of things, even now that DP has reduced his hours / money by 20% in order to do more school runs.

For which I am grateful.

Original poster

drosophila · 17/03/2007 20:50

I'd like to hear from the men out there. One of the couples I know - he stays at home and she has a pretty well paid job. There are fissures in the relationship which DP is convinced is to do with the fact that what he is doing is not socially the norm and that deep down most men would like to provide.

OP posts:

stretchmarks · 18/03/2007 21:08

When we had DS1 we decided that DH would stay at home as I was earning over twice his salary and we felt we had the option financially for him to give up work. When he resigned his employers offered him PT so he stayed 2 days a week.

We haven't had any issues in our relationship because of this but I think DH has always been secure in who he is as a person and was never defined by a career or such and not money. I do see him as a provider to the family as there are many aspects to family life not just finances and so we are both contributing. But if you feel you should be fulfilling a specific role and duty and if you don't you are failing then this will of course cause issues.

kama · 18/03/2007 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hoolagirl · 18/03/2007 22:13

Don't think it would bother my DP.
Both our salarys get paid into the same account (mine) and its never an issue who earns what, just that there's enough money to do what we want/need.
He earns much more btw.

suejonez · 18/03/2007 22:19

too tired to read all the replies - in my limited experience, one DP had a huge (but unadmitted) problem with me earning more than him, one was absolutely fine about it, it was never really an issue. Perhaps because one was in same industry/similar job as me (therefore maybe a competitive thing) one completely different (and perhaps a litle more secure ).

On a different but related (I think) matter one of my boyfriedns was obsessed with tryinh to work out which one of us was more intelligent. To the point that he wanted me to do an IQ test . It didn't last...

Hersetta · 19/03/2007 14:59

I earn 5 times what my dh does and it's not a problem at all. We have one joint current account and one joint savings account. What's mine is his and he can spend what he likes as I do (he never, ever does though). As we could never afford for me to be off on maternity leave for any length of time my dh has suggested that he stay at home and look after the baby when our first is born in August.

Marriage is a partnership and money is just part of that partnership. There should never be a case of mine and yours, just ours, IMHO.

bossykate · 19/03/2007 15:02

hmm. no female higher earners out there for whom, yes, actually it is a bit a problem? from your perspective not from his?

Issymum · 19/03/2007 15:10

For the early chunk of our relationship DH earned more than I did and certainly had accumulated way more capital than I had, all of which was incredibly helpful when we bought our first flat. In the couple of years before we married, my earnings equalled and then exceeded his and I now earn twice as much as he does. I really don't think it bothers DH in the slightest. In fact, I think he's rather proud about it and enjoys the financial security it provides, but I'm willing to admit that DH is unusually emotionally secure. DH knows that he is no less intelligent than me (he would say slightly more so as he got a first to my paltry 2.1), but for reasons not even market forces can quite explain, lawyers in the UK are paid much more than engineers. We have a joint bank account and DH handles all and I mean "all" our financial affairs, right down to paying my credit card bills. (I know Xenia, but it works and I can access the information any time I choose to.) In a way, we just treat the salary cheques and bonuses as rather random sums that constitue the revenue of the Issymum/DH Corporation. If DH was suddenly awarded an entirely deserved 200% payrise tomorrow and our situation was reversed, I'd like to think I'd be equally relaxed about it. Actually I'd be thrilled!!

Issymum · 19/03/2007 15:13

Sorry BossyKate. No, it's really not a problem from my perspective. I would admit, if a little reluctantly, that I am rather proud of being the main 'breadwinner' and that it makes work much more meaningful for me. It's also fun to defeat expectations.

bossykate · 19/03/2007 15:15

well maybe you wouldn't feel the same if it had always been you with no chance of a respite!

bossykate · 19/03/2007 15:16

i've had my "fun" thanks!

bossykate · 19/03/2007 15:17

btw, dh "copes" absolutely fine with the situation

suejonez · 19/03/2007 15:22

but bossykate - thats not a healthy way of looking at it, "no chance of respite". You can't ever expect your partner to earn enough to give you a free pass IMO. I'm single - I don't have any chance of respite except one that I might work out for myself. I have taken pay cuts to give myself a less stressful job/part-time work and sacrificed holidays, expensive dinners and clothes etc - that is my respite.

If I were to have a DP who earned enough to let me take some time off, I would be thrilled at the opportunity but wouldn't ever expect him to earn more than me so I could have an easier time of it.

Or have I misunderstood what you mean?

clarinsgirl · 19/03/2007 15:23

I've always been the main breadwinner, no respite and its just a non-issue. We both work hard and divide all other responsibilities so that the fact my job pays 3x his job is irrelevant. If he was paid less because he was a lazy arse it would be different (but I still wouldn't have a problem with him being paid less, just with him being lazy IYKWIM).

Obviously it makes maternity leave a slightly more complicated issue as I'm the only one who can have babies, but we planned it properly and I was on full pay for 6 months and half for the remainder anyway.

DP loves that I earn lots of money, he loves the security and choices it buys us.

Bossykate - do you want it to be a problem?

beckybrastraps · 19/03/2007 15:32

I earned more than my dh when I was working and he was a SAHD (obviously). It wasn't an issue at all, but I do wonder whether that was because it was never a long term option for us. Because although engineers amy earn less than lawyers, they do tend to earn more than teachers. I don't think he would be bothered if I earned more than him, as long as he wasn't expected to be a SAHD again...

Issymum · 19/03/2007 15:33

I would have a problem about the lack of respite if DH was a "lazy arse" who exploited my earnings to waft around and pursue dilettante interests. But he works extremely hard and his financial and other contributions to the household are vital.

On dilettante, I was mildly annoyed to find that he'd drifted off one afternoon this weekend to put the finishing touches to his wikipedia page on an obscure branch of set theory. But I guess it's no worse than me sneaking off upstairs to pretend to put the washing away whilst reading a novel.

However, the more I think about it the more I realise that I would love DH to earn squillions so that I could do a bit of dilettantish wafting!

beckybrastraps · 19/03/2007 15:41

Ooh I love that. Dilletante wafting...

Dh made a kitchen when he was a SAHD.

And I am doing a psychology degree.

But wouldn't we all prefer a bit of wafting?

Thelittlesoldiersmummy · 19/03/2007 15:41

Well I work and my partner stays at home looking after our DS and has done now for 1.5 years. I dont think it matters either way my DH would find it hard to get a job earning as much as me so thats the way it has to be we roll along fine this way ! Although it does get me sometimes we have our own bank accounts and he tranfers nearly all the money out of mione into his everymonth to pay the bills then it all seems to become "his" money and he gets narky if I ask for some back!

beckybrastraps · 19/03/2007 15:42

ls and ts.

Oops

kslatts · 19/03/2007 16:32

I earn more than dh and it doesn't bother either of us. We have a joint account, the bills go out and whatever is left is ours to share.

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