He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

[Syc4moreTrees]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

Think he needs a little more of his own separate counselling to help him with a reality check.

Whenever I see or hear of anyone renewing their vows I always wonder which one had the affair

schnitzel exactly! I didn't forget mine! Mine didn't "expire" ! Plank 🙄

I suppose there are at least signs he is finally copping on. Just v e r r r r r y s l o o o o w l y.

I can't imagine anything I would have wanted less just after giving birth than compulsory date nights and I wasn't angry with my husband for extra marital shagging.

I think you are struggling here because you have grown up during the relationship and he hasn't. And that wasn't your fault. He left it all to you because that made his life easier.

I had the same dynamic and then my DH fell seriously ill. I had to do everything for everyone and found myself feeling seriously resentful that he had got better but did not do anything that didn't interest him around the house. What didn't interest him was anything mundane or difficult or grown up.

I stopped doing it all and let half of it slide. He picked it up when his car wasn't taxed or he had no clean clothes etc etc. Now it is 50/50 which is how it should be.

Explain to WH that life will never go back to what it was, that his infidelity isn't something you can push past until you get back together. Divorce him and he may understand, put it off and he will pester you for months and any residual affection you have for him will disintegrate.

I think you are afraid still of upsetting him but rightly protective of yourself because if he doesn't know why he did it, he is likely to do it again.

Renew your vows?! He's so niave and blinkered, it's unbelievable!

It sounds like he doesn't know what to do to fix things.

Have you read about the 'mental load'? Sounds like that's what happened in your house- no criticism here at all, it happens in mine too. Sounds like he's used to following your lead.

It does sound like he is trying to get with the program but not sure because you're not.

Have some more ice cream, that'd help me

Date night? Renewing your vows?

Fucking date night? And "renewing" something that he fucked up in the first place?

Is he on fucking glue?

You said it Trees - what a plank. And not a beautiful Sycamore plank either. More like a crappy bit of MDF (actually, no - nothing about him is "medium density". He is evidently as thick as the day is long).

I was cringing at the mention of "date nights". I see those as being appropriate for people whose marriages have gone a bit "stale" for whatever reason, not those where one partner has been shagging someone else. Does he really think a few restaurant dinners and trips to the cinema are going to heal things. The time for him to suggest date nights was about a year ago.

The idea of renewing your marriage vows is an absolute insult. I would have punched him in the face straight away for that one. Renewal of vows is usually for 50-somethings who have been faithful and who fancy a wee trip to Las Vegas to celebrate their silver wedding. YOUR vows have been in mint condition and have never needed to be renewed. His are in shreds and beyond repair by the sound of things.

Renew your vows? Um, you knew what they were and didn't break them. Your cheating DH, otoh...

Wow.

And if he can't whitewash that, he wants date nights? Asked for in the same conversation where you were coerced into talked about not filing for divorce until the end of the summer?

He's really not getting it entirely, is he?

It really sounds as if divorce is the only thing that will shake him out of his delusional thinking. There's nothing to say that you can't go on a date with him after you divorce him, if he is the now the type of man you want to have a relationship with. And if you grow a new relationship then the vow renewal could be remarriage. Not trying to say that this would be a good idea, only you can know that, but if you're starting from scratch, would it be worth starting completely from scratch? You being free and clear to date whoever you want will probably scare the crap out of him.

He just doesn't get it. Divorce is pretty real and could be what it takes for him to get it. I just get the sense from your posts that if he doesn't face any consequences like having his marriage legally dissolved, seeing adultery in black and white on those documents, having a legal custody and access arrangement, and official maintenance payments (you know, all that terrifying grown up, serious stuff) that there will always be a little part of him that thinks he did "get away" with it. There was a little bit of trouble but then he got his nice cushy life back. He just wants to wait you out, and he's impatient which is why he keeps pushing you to just get over it already! Fucker.

Can you really bear for him to continue to try to "fix things" for the whole summer? It makes me feel weary and irritated just reading about his latest attempts to hurry you along into a reconciliation, I can only imagine how it must be making you feel. You have enough on your plate!

If you want a divorce then you should file for divorce. He doesn't really get a say in that.

I'm not often rendered speechless but date nights and vow renewal have almost succeeded.

I have (I'm sure you'll be delighted to hear) only 2 words to say.

He's delusional

Usual response from me:

He's selfish, it's all about his needs not yours.

Date night and vow renewal are insulting and disrespectful. He is trying to fix a severed limb with a bandaid. I think you withdrawing your marital support and facilitation of his life has left his basic immaturity deeply exposed. Your irritation is your sanity longing for the headspace that he still will not grant you.

Everything has all ready been said about date night & vow renewal. I can't believe he is working out s budget for bills- he is staying in a friend's house having previously stayed with his parents. Wtf has be doing with his money ? Can't he tske the children for a few days to give you a break?

Date night!!! Fucking chancer

Just a note of caution about postponing the divorce - if you want to cite adultery on your divorce petition it needs to be filed within 6 months of you becoming aware of it.
Although you'll be more clued up on that that I am, and have outstanding divorce lawyer friends

It's still all about him isn't it.

Trees - I won't join in in beating up WH - there is enough of that.
And he a bit irrelevant, at this point.

What is relevant is you. How you feel. What you feel, need, want.
What you went through (and still going through), the timing of it will throw the strongest, sanest person of balance for a long time.
And in addition to all that - you have the post/pregnancy hormones still circulating in your body.

So, I'll just say what I may have said before. Take your time. Really.
When things calm down a bit - even if you make exactly the same decision - you'll know that you are making it with a clear head. At this point - you don't really know.

And, as to counselling - if you had the time - I'd do individual one. For you to understand yourself better.

You can always divorce him. That option is always there.

Thinking of you Syc, I have posted before but had to NC recently. I hope you're enjoying time with your little ones and WH isn't stressing you out

Thinking of you syc, hope baby is settling well and your managing ok x

I suppose at least he is trying.......

Hi Trees, school's out this week where I live - I expect you’ll soon have your hands even more full. How are you bearing up?