He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

[Syc4moreTrees]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

You're not being ungrateful. You don't enter into marriage to be grateful that a husband or wife stays faithful. It should be a given.

And it's not too late to put a manny on the list, just in case!

You're not being ungrateful in the slightest and you deserve a lifetime of happiness, not just 15 years. I know it's all a bit shit right now, but it will get better. You will be happy again

He's finding excuses, saying sorry, in his mind and making some minor adjustments to his gaming should have been the end of it. He is now getting stroppy and impatient because Plan A has not given him the result he wanted.

Plan B is to gaslight you into thinking that this is somehow your fault so that you feel guilty enough to take him back.

He will now be working out Plan C.

The recurring theme throughout this is him, what he thinks, what he wants, there is no thought for your needs or your wants. His priority is to get everything back to 'normal'. He won't face the fact that 'normal' has gone for ever because of his actions.

It's so difficult for you because of the new baby but may I suggest that you try to take a step back from it all for a while, tell him you want what you keep asking him for, some time, rinse and repeat and shut him down every time he doesn't do it.

Could you give him a time limit of say a month before you're willing to even think about discussing anything? Then extend as necessary if you're still not thinking straight. How he keeps to this will tell you a lot about him.

It's a horrible place for you to be, you're so strong

Nanny has been agreed on. Sadly not a hunky manny *sigh.

Thank you so much for all the support and encouragement. I don't think he is being honest, or doesn't know, the reason it all escalated how it did, and part of me thinks I should stop trying to fathom it. Whilst difficult to accept, i do sort of feel like the marriage is probably over.

I guess the hope is that we can figure out the co-parenting aspect of things going forward.

The co-parenting is the most important part whatever eventually happens to the marriage so yes, focus on that for now (and definitely gorgeous manny when this one leaves). In terms of fathoming his behaviour I think you have to assume the simplest explanation - he saw an opportunity and thought he wouldn't get found out.

It sounds like you will be the ideal ex couple to arrange coparenting well.

Sorry for the more recent update regarding the gasligting blaming you with a counsellor sitting right there doesn't sit well he is just being a fanny now....

I think you should get your own therapist of some sort sourced by you with your feelings out first and decide what you want to do in your own time on your own.

Hope the house and decorating and life with a newborn is all going well for you

Until he accepts that he and he alone chose to do this you should not consider counselling or trying to repair your marriage. it is a waste of time and energy that can be use better elsewhere. He is basically saying it is your fault not his. So what is to stop him doing the same again?

You have to bend over backwards to make sure you are not putting your whole family first in the long time, just him in case he feels the need to stray again.

You, the DC and him are no longer a family. He destroyed that.

You and the DC are a family. He and the DC are a family.

How you work out time for the DC to see you both is between you but it doesn't have to be you and the DC.

Oh Trees, what a silly fool he is.

I don't mean to minimise the issues he's brought up. It's possible that they really were issues, for both of us. But instead of talking to you or tackling them, his response was to sod off and sleep with somebody else. It also makes me feel so angry and upset to read, because you were doing so much for the family, as you both had agreed, that it just seems especially unkind to do something that would ultimately hurt the whole family rather than making an effort to fix things.

I also don't see how trying to pass the blame on to you is really trying to fix things. Is he able to take responsibility for any of his actions? What can he do to make you truly believe that he would behave differently if the same thing happened again? How has he, or is he, changing?

Alas, I don't think he is. He just wants to go back to his happy bubble, which was the same state/place he was in when he originally made his terrible mistake, without working to really lay strong foundations.

Maybe he can still change. But this isn't the way to convince you.

I kind of think that a lot of people, but perhaps particularly men when it comes to sexual behaviour, just do things because they can and it gratifies some immediate desire. They don't think about the impact or the people it could hurt. It may have been just 'because I could and it was a bit exciting and I didn't really think'.

As others have said, the co parenting is the crucial part now. It's the most most most important thing to focus on - your dc are even more innocent in this than you are (if that's actually possible).

Sorry Trees but the "man" is a turd

It may have been just 'because I could and it was a bit exciting and I didn't really think'. "But if I admit that I'll look a bit pathetic, so ... IT MUST HAVE BEEN MY WIFE'S FAULT!"

Oh I'm sad trees I really hoped you guys could fix this!! You deserve happiness however it takes shape (shame it's not in a hunky manny) lol. I'm sorry he has been so wide and not just owned his deceit and got down to being the man you thought he was.

Darkest before the dawn

Thinking of you Trees- you just have to keep on plodding forward one day at a time.
You will probably never fully comprehend why he did what he did-so yes you are right, it's sometimes best to stop trying-though easier said than done of course.

Thinking of you too Trees.

Would second the suggestion further back of having some individual counselling. I went for 9 months after I discovered my XHs affair (very shocking at the time) . 8 years later I realise how much it did for me. It was super tough at the time working through how I felt and processing it all. But it was really good to have a space where I could say anything and that it was totally for me.

I know now that processing it all is very important and I'm glad I did it at that time with support.

You can also feel on a rollercoaster of emotion and the counsellng can help with that.

I would even suggest that you park everything and dont make decisions until you have been to some counselling. But of course up to you. And make sure its a decent counsellor -get some recommendations

for you and the saplings.

I agree that at the moment the best thing you can do is stop trying to find a reason. He doesn't know the reason. There probably is no reason. Anything he says even to himself will be excuse or justification not cause. And the real reason is that he could and so he did

Concentrate entirely on yourself and your boys. Your marriage has for now slipped right off the agenda. Get into a new way of living with him as a separated parent and make that work for you and your dcs. Counselling just for you is a very good idea. Perhaps many months or years down the line you will decide that you want to formalise the separation and get divorced. Perhaps you might develop renewed trust in each other and decide to explore giving it a go with the help of some couples counselling. But don't try and second guess the future or analyse the past. Snuggle your baby. Hug your boys when they let you and be very very kind to yourself. Him? He's Any Other Business.

Yes to the counselling. I thought I was uncounsellable as I work in the field.I was wrong-Im not sure I'd be here without it.

Will definitely look into counselling, though I'm not sure where i will find the time. Even for a WH he was useful to have around and really good with domestic side of life (aside form the marital fidelity part obvs)

Had a long talk with him last night once all the bambinos were in bed. He agrees he has just been trying to come up with something to explain things, anything to explain things, to try and move us past that point.

He is adamant he doesn't want to be with anyone else, has completely given up the online friend and all gaming associations and is trying to sort out somekind of budget so he can help contribute towards the nanny and the bills whilst i'm off work. As seems to be his MO he is "stepping up" at the same time as I am reaching the end of my patience with him.

I really think there may be something to the idea that as we got together so young he has been rather sheltered from big decisions and crisis situations, by his parents and then by me, as generally I am the troubleshooter. It's just the natural way our lives have melded. I take care of the tricky life situations, so he has no idea what he's supposed to do here. I think probably a lack of emotional intelligence, which is something he can work on.

We have agreed that I will hold off on issuing divorce proceedings until after the summer at least. Fair enough I suppose.

He wants to keep attending with his counsellor and to work out some defined contact with the kids. He is also keen for us to try and have "date nights" once a week. All his proposals sound very reasonable, but for some reason I do find myself very reluctant and I can't tell if I've just decided to be petulant and disagreeable or if there's some more subconscious defence kicking in?

Defined contact = Good as long as it is not playing happy families at the house.

Date night = WTF? This is like the 'going away' to sort it out split over a few months. He just thinks this is a blip, and he'll win you around without doing anything.

Date night? Fuck that. What mother of a newborn in her right mind wants to organise babysitters and bottles of expressed milk just so she can try and squeeze into her jeans, go and sit in a Nandos while she tries to stay awake and worries that she's leaking onto her top?

What you need is a him doing the housework and childcare night while you watch crap on TV and eat crisps in a different room, or go out with friends or join a rock choir or play poker or learn Mandarin - whatever floats your boat as long as he remains invisible and inaudible and takes no part in your night off.

Date night FFS

Date nights? Fuck that shit. It's not reasonable at all. No one in their right mind would tell a woman with a new born baby and two older kids to go out on dates once a week. And dumping all three kids with a sitter once a week is really going to help them settle into their new lives and roles. Tell him to jog on with that one. Fool.

Only to reinforce what everyone else has already posted about date night.

Again it is all about him not giving you the space to process and maybe move on from him.

He is forcing you to be in his company. It's no different from the suggestion of a weekend away.

He benefits from it.

What do you get?

Date night? How do you go from talking about divorce proceedings in one breath and then date nights in the next breath? He seems deluded.

Date nights?
That'll make it all alright then...
I think you are feeling irritated because your sub conscious self preservation is kicking in.You know that you deserve better and you can't be arsed with humouring him on some level...
He can still do domestic stuff.he can help with the kids.(great that he's good at that stuff by the way, but actually they are his kids too-he should be bloody good at it, he's their Dad). That's all
He should be asking to do right now because anything else puts you under pressure to work on the relationship-and you don't seem certain that's what you want to do at the moment.

The date nights were actually a secondary suggestion to the let's renew our vows suggestion. 🙄