I think I need to leave my boyfriend, but I can't, can I?

[Gooseforchristmas]

We've been together for six months. He is needy, and, dare I say it... Emotionally abusive. I have DC from my last relationship to think about. House is all mine and he lives an hour away. Sounds simple, right? Except I'm 8 weeks pregnant, and suffering from terrible morning sickness, meaning I can barely function, let alone look after the Children properly.

What the fuck can I do?

Almost, but not quite. That's progress!

A nice guy wouldn't spout bullshit about killing babies, especially not when you've had a dodgy smear result.

Hells - he knows exactly how to wind me up and I know it. I'm normally so strong at being able to ignore the bait, but I fucking lost it last night. I ended up pushing him and he has a small scratch on his forehead :( I'm disgusted with myself. However he has just gone out and bought me shit loads of chocolate and flowers...?

He's playing with you and you're letting him.

This relationship is not healthy at all. You've already got 4 children, do you really want too bring a 5th into all this? Could you put up with this man for the next 16 years?

Someone close to me had a pregnancy with an untreated cervical abnormality which had been missed at a smear. It was an aggressive cancer and she had a radical hysterectomy when her child was very young.
Obviously your problem may be nothing like hers but it's possible.
Neither you nor your children can afford to let this pregnancy go on. You won't regret it, you'll be being an authentic tiger mother and you should be proud.

Good luck for the doctors and whatever you decide to do.

He sounds manipulative. That's typical emotional abuse. It's not easy for you

Thank you everyone. Lots to think about. footle I get you completely. It may sound sick to some people but I'm looking forward to being able to be a mum again. I threw up all weekend and didn't get out of bed. I'm definitely going through with the abortion. DP won't put money towards it if I go private, but I get that.

OP just another voice to say that although it's your choice you will be tied to this asshole for the next 18yrs. Already he's using your pregnancy as a form of control. Once a baby arrives, you won't be able to get away so easily. I say this as mum of 3 to an abusive twat who delights in dragging me through family court and making false allegations to police - this is 7yrs after I divorced him & it was he'll for 5yrs before that. He knows your intentions so you will need to be incredibly careful. Do tell your GP that the relationship is abusive. Dont rely in him for help or support & be prepared for the unrelenting guilt trip he'll want to put you on. Your health is so important, as without their mum, what about your children? He doesn't seem too bothered about them. Your health & their wellbeing must be your focus now. Keep posting for support, many of us have been where you are now

A friend who had hyperemesis woke up after an abortion under GA. In the first moment of awareness, she knew she didn't feel sick any more. Hope it works this fast for you too, OP.

Beware of being guilted into another pregnancy once the dust has settled.

I had a medical termination because of Hyperemesis. The sickness stopped within 2 days. OP, I think your doing the right thing. Each time you doubt yourself remind yourself of the EA this man has out you through. Goodluck xxx

Good luck with what YOU decide.

but reading your posts I have to say termination would be my choice. followed up by GP for cervix....then 100% focus on the dc's you have. You don't mention ages or how they are. your focus is 'dp'...so common in abusive relationships....I know I have been there.

But 4 dc's must take up your whole time. I've 2 and can imagine a relationship at the moment...they need my full attention...maybe when we are settled and established.

The freedom programme is excellent.

So, so glad others have done this because of hyperemesis. Fantastic that the sickness stopped so quickly. DP is convinced we will be staying together. Fucks sake :(

I've been to the doctor and apparently the clinic (abortion?) will ring me today or tomorrow. I'm clinging onto my phone willing them to ring!

Chocolates?
Who brought a woman who has been vomiting all weekend chocolates?

Come on love - surely for that alone you can see that wasn't a gesture of love and kindness but one of "I know, she's thick enough to manipulated into keeping me and the pregnancy if I just throw some chocolates her way like scraps of meat at a dog". He's laughing at you, thinking that chocolates and flowers is enough to make you accept the abuse.

You should not have told him about the abortion, he'll now make it emotionally and physically difficult for you.

In your shoes, I'd get on with the abortion in private, then tell him it was a miscarriage anyway, then tell him it has ended this chapter in your life - and he is dumped. Then block block block because others have said, this piece of shit is going to whine you into pregnancy again. After dating him for just a few months he was able to whine you into coming off the pill and starting costly divorce proceedings that you didn't want. He is no good.

Well of course he's convinced you'll be staying together.
Because that's what he wants and that's all that matter.

Block him NOW, go no contact NOW. And throw his stupid fucking lazy manipulating chocolates and flowers at him as he leaves.

Any interaction you have with him now is encouraging to think you're going to stay with him. End it, mean it.

I can't end it, I just can't yet. The fact is that I will need help with the children and lifts to/from the abortion clinic because of course he's off next week as we were supposed to be on holiday.

He's not being amazing about the abortion but he has accepted it now which is something.

And I know, the chocolates and flowers was VERY odd. I've always told him I hate flowers...

Well done for going to the doctors.
One thing at a time. If it helps, let him believe you're going to stay together for now, until you've had the abortion and the sickness has gone, then you will be strong enough for the next step which is ending it for good.
Hang on in there - hope the clinic calls you soon. Maybe call them in the morning if you haven't had a call by then?

@Gooseforchristmas go to the hospital they will put you on medications sounds like you have what I did and that's hypremesis gravidium (not sure of spelling but should be pretty close) some people have this the whole pregnancy mine lasted till 26 weeks pregnant and I was so miserable and fed up!!! Please treat that first and secondly kick the guy out he is a child havin a child your gonna be living a nightmare at this rate!!! You don't need two children and if he is a pain now and is insecure he will be jealous of the baby you deserve better ... concentrate on your children, treat the sickness and f u c k him off!!! All the best for everything x

@Gooseforchristmas without being awful you DONT NEED a abortion to get him out your life ... eventually he will fuck up with the baby and you get a injunction and a document saying when the child is 18 he or she makes his own mind up!!! Don't get a abortion !!! But you do need to sort other parts of your life out like getting rid of him, working out why you go for abusive men and how to believe in yourself more and get some confidence you sound a nice person but don't let him being in your life rule it!!! If you want the baby keep it and be the best mom you can be !!! Xx

Sorry OP but I think you are in for a rocky week.

Be prepared for this.

Sometimes there is no harm in bending the truth... I am also an honest person and find it difficult to lie... BUT he is going to try and sway you around from having the abortion, as he knows what is coming after you have been.

All the best OP. But you need to think of your dc and yourself before him.

Not helpful and calm down with the exclamation marks

The OP has decided to get an abortion so it's frankly irresponsible to tell her not to get one.

FWIW OP I think you're absolutely making the right choice.

Cross post! I was responding to MrsMama

You've only been with him six months and he lives an hour away. How were you coping with your four children before he turned up and did everything?

Morris She wasn't pregnant with HG then

Wow MrsMama I'm assuming you have 1st hand experience of being with an abusive prick and having a child with them and then keeping them out of your life????

OP I hope the clinic call you soon.
You are doing the right thing.

Morris I was coping brilliantly well! I always thought I was a bit of a crap mother, but since I've been away from abusive ex husband I don't think that at all. The children are thriving and we are much closer now.

I want to call the clinic but I have no idea which clinic he was talking about :( ffs. Really wish I'd established that but I just wanted to get out of there in case I vomited on the doctor's desk!

Emma that is my plan - to keep him happy until this is all over. I am almost late enough to need a surgical procedure and I can't do that with no one to look after the baby.

For a PP who mentioned ages, my other DC are 8, 6, 4 and 1