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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I need to leave my boyfriend, but I can't, can I?

297 replies

Gooseforchristmas · 20/05/2017 11:03

We've been together for six months. He is needy, and, dare I say it... Emotionally abusive. I have DC from my last relationship to think about. House is all mine and he lives an hour away. Sounds simple, right? Except I'm 8 weeks pregnant, and suffering from terrible morning sickness, meaning I can barely function, let alone look after the Children properly.

What the fuck can I do?

OP posts:
WildBelle · 20/05/2017 16:02

And I got free counselling afterwards for many months, it really helped as we went through everything to do with my patterns in relationships, and my whole life, not just the termination. If you google post abortion counselling there will be somewhere offering it in your area.

OxanyLoxy · 20/05/2017 16:22

One thing to remember is that believe it or not, he's currently on his best behaviour because he wants you to have this baby. As soon as he feels he has you, he'll relax and get even worse.

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 20/05/2017 16:53

Thank you Wild. I really hope that's the case for me. I feel more sick than ever today.

Oxany my ex was similar. He begged me to have baby no 4 and as soon as I was pregnant with her he was a twat to me again. And then he left! So I can well imagine it. I told him I didn't want him cuddling me so he's huffing and puffing.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 20/05/2017 17:28

See the GP as soon as you can, and call Women's Aid. If you're afraid of his reaction to you not going on the holiday, let alone ending the relationship, you're at risk and you need their advice. Ideally you would organise somewhere safe to go (eg a friend's house or a women's shelter) and just leave while he's out without telling him. But obviously that takes planning and courage - both of which you can do with a bit of support.

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 20/05/2017 17:31

I can't go to women's aid again :( they've helped me with two abusive relationships now! It's my house Emma so I can't leave. He's got quite a few bits here, well clothes. Any ideas how to get him to take them all home on Monday without looking suspicious?! :(

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 20/05/2017 17:38

Why not? Surely they don't have a limit on the number of times they can help?

If it's your house you need to tell him to leave and call the police if he becomes aggressive or threatening.

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 20/05/2017 17:44

It's just embarrassing, I guess
Oh he will leave, he'll make a big song and dance about it and then probably ignore me and then I'll be scared I've made the wrong decision

OP posts:
CodLiverOil556 · 20/05/2017 18:03

Just bag his stuff up and tell him to come and get it. Good luck OP

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 20/05/2017 18:07

It's pretty much all in bags tbf, as he has his own place

OP posts:
Trills · 20/05/2017 18:08

Women's Aid will help you as many times as you need them to.

LilaBard · 20/05/2017 18:17

OP I promise you you will be far from the only person WA will have had to help more than once. Don't go through this alone and unsupported through some idea of pride. The help is there, take it x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/05/2017 18:54

"I can't go to women's aid again they've helped me with two abusive relationships now"

And they will help you again, you need to pluck up courage here and call them. Womens Aid will help you as and when needed; they are not going to judge you at all here.

I would suggest you enrol on their Freedom Programme when you are able to do so because you need that urgently. Its for people who have been in abusive relationships. Your boundaries as it is are well skewed and you are easy meat for some low life abuser to target.

NameChange30 · 20/05/2017 18:58

OP I think you need one-to-one counselling as well as the Freedom Programme. You could ask your GP and/or Women's Aid whether there is any free counselling available to you.

I do think the BPAS/Marie Stopes referral is the most urgent thing atm though.

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 20/05/2017 19:01

I hope you're all right. The last women's aid worker I helped with wasn't very supportive and stopped contacting me, but I suppose that was because I was already out of the abusive relationship. I fucking hate feeling so helpless. I'm so resentful.

OP posts:
littletwofeet · 20/05/2017 21:06

You don't have to suffer with morning sickness, there is medication available but unfortunately you often have to 'fight' for it. Some GPs are better than others so it may be worth asking. You often have to try a few different ones/different combinations but the sickness can be sorted.

Agree with Emma regarding counselling and freedom programme.

FurryLittleTwerp · 22/05/2017 07:09

You can go to Women's Aid again. A lot of women unfortunately fall into the pattern of choosing one bad partner after another. They won't be judgemental.

MaisyPops · 22/05/2017 07:17

in hindsight I think he got me pregnant to keep me. So I'm worried he's going to use this baby as a fucking pawn if we break up
I think you're right OP.
It sounds like he wants a situation where he can come and go as he likes, you're feeling in his debt for everything and then when it suits him he can remind you just how great he is and why you should value him more.
What better way to keep that pattern going than by getting your new girlfriend pregnant so you can "look after" her through pregnancy, make her feel like she'll never managed on her own etc.

Go back to women's aid OP. They can help loads and often women who have abusive relationships fall into a pattern of repeated abusive relationships. If you don't want to go back to them, could you find a local domestic abuse charity to talk to?

Cricrichan · 22/05/2017 07:41

Op , even if your relationship was ok,the fact that you've had an abnormal smear and have 4 young children with an abusive ex, makes termination the best choice for your existing kids. You need to get your health sorted out as a matter of priority or your kids could lose you.

Also, if you do go on to have this baby, your dp is the type of man who will pay 'his' baby a lot of attention to the detriment of your other kids. I can't see this type of man being fair on all the kids.

Him forcing you to have a child when you've got 4kids and have only been seeing each other for 6 months is not the type of thing a normal man would do. He made you get a divorce earlier that's costing you money which you probably don't have, ditto the holiday.

You are at the moment independent of him. Just tell him that you're finished and then either lie that you've had a miscarriage or tell him the truth. You can tell friends that you had a termination because you had an abnormal smear or whatever you want. It's none of their business.

elephantscansing · 22/05/2017 07:47

Terminate. Get an abusive man out of your life and especially out of your children's. Move on. Address reason for contraceptive failure if applicable.

This ^^

Come on, OP. Get rid of him and then do the Freedom Programme to address why you go for this sort of man- and to find out how to stop.

You've already been in two abusive, violent relationships - what are you doing to your children??

Please break the cycle. Get rid of this man and terminate your pregnancy. He will be a NIGHTMARE for ever if you keep it - it will be one more way to control you,. You know this already.

Don't put an unborn baby over the safety and happiness of your existing dc.

And get birth control sorted out.

sleepingdragons · 22/05/2017 07:59

Hope it goes well at the doctors.

I had an abortion to an abusive man. I did have to wait and that was hard. But now he is out of my life, I'm with a good man and have two wonderful kids.

The termination was a great sadness and I do feel guilt. BUT it was the right choice for me. My two kids I have now wouldn't exist if I had gone ahead. The decent life I have now wouldn't exist. I can't imagine what hell I would have instead

I know the sadness and guilt are nothing to the suffering that man would have dished out.

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 22/05/2017 08:16

Oh Maisy he's always reminding me how great he is!

The weekend was difficult as I told him I want an abortion. He spent a long time trying to change my mind. He said some shitty things about me "killing our baby" Angry but in between that he's been on his best behaviour.

Doctors at 11

OP posts:
elephantscansing · 22/05/2017 08:32

You shouldn't have told him. That will give him a stick to beat you with. Good luck at the doctor.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 22/05/2017 08:38

"killing our baby" - that in itself should be enough to convince you, should you be wavering. What an utter see you next Tuesday that man is Angry

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 22/05/2017 08:45

I know, I know. I just hate lying and I'm pretty shit at it too.

Computer I am wavering a little... Almost being fooled by his nice guy act :(

Last night we had a fucking huge row because (I'm thinking for attention) we were just falling asleep when he announced "I think I'm going to go out with friends next Saturday". I completely lost it. He hardly ever goes out, so why the hell would he suggest that when I'm either going to be still suffering badly with sickness or bleeding our baby out?? It really hurt :(

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 22/05/2017 09:01

You really need to start detaching from this prick.
He suggested it to get exactly the reaction he got.
He certainly know how to push your buttons but you have to stop reacting to him.
Stop taking the bait.

I hope your GP appointment goes OK.
You do what you need to do that's best for you and your other DC.

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