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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I need to leave my boyfriend, but I can't, can I?

297 replies

Gooseforchristmas · 20/05/2017 11:03

We've been together for six months. He is needy, and, dare I say it... Emotionally abusive. I have DC from my last relationship to think about. House is all mine and he lives an hour away. Sounds simple, right? Except I'm 8 weeks pregnant, and suffering from terrible morning sickness, meaning I can barely function, let alone look after the Children properly.

What the fuck can I do?

OP posts:
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 22/05/2017 21:44

starlight £400 towards the abortion I presume.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 22/05/2017 22:25

OP please don't go on holiday with him. He will use it as an opportunity to win you round.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/05/2017 22:55

So glad you got something sorted.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 23/05/2017 12:22

Good luck on Friday, and in getting away from him.

P1nkP0ppy · 23/05/2017 12:38

Hang on, have I got this right? You're having a termination Friday and intending to fly abroad on Saturday with this abusive arsehole?

The likelihood of you a) feeling well enough to fly following a GA and procedure b) being medically fit to fly and c) quite possibly going to be needing follow up while away in another country on your non existent? holiday insurance is certainly a distinct possibility.
What the hell are you going to do if he insists on have X with you?

KarmaNoMore · 23/05/2017 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

P1nkP0ppy · 23/05/2017 12:38

Not X ffs! Sex...

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 23/05/2017 12:49

He knows I'll cut his cock off if he even tries it. We're not staying in the same apartment anyway. I'm not going to go under a GA, and recovery will hopefully be quite quick

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 23/05/2017 12:59

I really think you need to talk to Womens Aid here, and quickly. The fact you are even contemplating this holiday a day after a termination is ridiculous, you're not well as it is and you will need to rest/recover as well as focus on getting this man out of your home. You need to get him out and change the locks. Your kids will get over the disappointment of not going on holiday - you are taking a very big risk going away with a man that has already been EA to you, let alone after you've had a termination. Please think this through properly.

littletwofeet · 23/05/2017 13:07

You need to really think about your DC and how this is going to affect them. Do you think that going on holiday with someone who is anusive to their mum is honestly in their best interests?

You really need to get some counselling to try and establish why you are in another abusive relationship and how to avoid this in the future. If you're not careful, this could really harm your DC in the long term.

sticklebrix · 23/05/2017 13:08

OP, I know that this is a ridiculously difficult time for you. But please, please do not rely on this terrible, abusive man for childcare.

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 23/05/2017 13:11

He doesn't have keys to my house or anything like that. I am not worried about him being around the children at all... If I don't feel well enough abroad, we can always come home early. He knows I absolutely won't take his bullshit anymore.

OP posts:
sticklebrix · 23/05/2017 13:21

Goose please. This man is a manipulative abuser. No nursery would hire a person who is known to be manipulative or abusive. It's hard, but I don't think that you should allow him to look after your kids either. If you were hiring a babysitter would you pick him? No.

I'm sorry, but I think that going on holiday with him would be the best possible way of signalling that nothing has changed. Don't worry about the kids missing their holiday. A far better gift is getting this man out of their lives forever Flowers Easy for me to say, I know. But really, this is what you must do.

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 23/05/2017 13:27

I told him last night that I think he can be manipulative etc, and I gave him lots of examples of things he'd said and how I'd felt it was manipulative. I also told him that I can't see us working things out. He knows we may break up still.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 23/05/2017 13:31

Oh op I'm so sorry you're feeling so rough. But you have to start thinking clear headed for the sake of your children and yourself.

Nobody can tell you to get a termination. But I will say that in your shoes I would.

You also need to make sure you stay safe when you tell him (not face to face) that you're leaving him.

Good luck Flowers

ImACompleteCyclePath · 23/05/2017 13:40

I had a surgical termination at 6 weeks and I have never regretted it. I think my only sadness came because I expected to feel guilty and almost felt guilty that I didn't feel guilty!

The procedure itself was very painful for about 2 minutes, then I was completely recovered almost immediately afterwards - sickness (which had been awful) was completely gone within about 3 hours. I was moving house at the time and managed to clean/move furniture the next day.

I also had to travel about 2 hours away to get an appointment, but it was covered by the NHS - are you sure the NHS won't reimburse you the cost?

OliviaBenson · 23/05/2017 13:42

So your not even sure if you will break up with him now?

You are going to make a huge mistake.

Also, don't discuss any of his abusive traits with him- he won't care and you telling him won't change that, it's just gives him more ammunition.

Badliar · 23/05/2017 13:43

You are taking four young children abroad, Including a one year old, the day after an abortion with an abusive man you have known for six months? And you say you can just come home if necessary? Words fail me tbh.

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 23/05/2017 13:44

Cycle Path thank you so much. I almost didn't click on this in case you were going to tell me an horrific story but that has calmed me a lot. I will be just 9 weeks on Friday, but hopefully it'll be as "easy" as it was for you at six weeks.

Can't remember what it's like to be able to clean/tidy (and my house used to be spotless, despite four children!) so I really hope I feel better like you did. Hmm pretty sure I won't get reimbursed, but I'll put that on my list of questions for the phone consultation tomorrow.

OP posts:
Teddy6767 · 23/05/2017 13:50

Is the holiday the day after the abortion?! Are you having a surgical one with a local anestethic? Or a medical abortion?
I had no abesthethic at all when I had my surgical abortion (meant they could see me quicker that day) and it was unbelievably painful. It only lasted a minute or two but I was drenched in sweat from the pain. If you're having some form of anestheic then you should be ok though and hopefully won't feel a thing. The cramping I had for the next 48 hours was terrible, to the point I almost blacked out in pain and had to be given a sedative at home to send me to sleep. It was like the most excruciating period pains times a million. After that I had no pain at all and was able to be fully active (apart from sex which you can't do for at least a few weeks so please don't let your partner try and have sex with you on holiday).
I'm not saying any of the above to scare you by the way. Just highlighting the fact that you're having surgery and shouldn't really be travelling the next day. I'm sure there are people who hardly feel any pain after an abortion, and others who are bed ridden for a few days because of the cramps. You don't know how you're going to feel

ImACompleteCyclePath · 23/05/2017 13:51

Gooseforchristmas honestly, that is exactly how it went. I haven't sugar-coated my experience at all. One thing though - they insisted I had an appointment at least ?6 or so? hours before the termination procedure, which I think is some sort of legal requirement. However, that's just a quick 15 min appointment to make sure you're making the decision yourself and nobody is forcing you into it/you understand what you're agreeing to. I managed to have that short appointment locally - maybe you should ask about this?

I honestly think the expectation of how you'll feel is far worse than the reality. I only felt relief afterwards when I'd been expecting this to be something that I'd feel guilty about for life. I so rarely think of it now, and when I do there's no guilt or shame attached. I think I read somewhere that 1/3 women will have an abortion at some point in their lives so you're really not alone!

ImACompleteCyclePath · 23/05/2017 13:55

teddy agree that it's probably very variable in recovery - I expected to have cramping pains afterwards but felt absolutely zero pain whatsoever. As you said, the procedure itself was agony but only for around 2-3 minutes in total, so minimal in the grand scheme of things. Agree it's perhaps not a good idea to plan to travel the next day though, just in case you're less lucky in the post-procedure pain front!

CalmItKermitt · 23/05/2017 14:02

Oh stop pissing about and dump him!

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 23/05/2017 14:04

Teddy thanks for being honest. Maybe I forgot to say, but if I am in ANY doubt, or too much pain, or just don't want to go on holiday, I won't be going on holiday. Absolutely not. I wasn't going on holiday with the hyperemesis either. I didn't give a fuck how much me (and DP) were set to lose. As selfish as that sounds! DP knows there's every chance we won't be going on holiday. We're not even going to pack anything until Saturday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 23/05/2017 14:06

Cycle hmm, maybe that's going to be part of the phone consultation? I hope so anyway as it's going to cost me £70! Will ask tomorrow.

Thanks Kermitt.

OP posts: