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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I need to leave my boyfriend, but I can't, can I?

297 replies

Gooseforchristmas · 20/05/2017 11:03

We've been together for six months. He is needy, and, dare I say it... Emotionally abusive. I have DC from my last relationship to think about. House is all mine and he lives an hour away. Sounds simple, right? Except I'm 8 weeks pregnant, and suffering from terrible morning sickness, meaning I can barely function, let alone look after the Children properly.

What the fuck can I do?

OP posts:
sticklebrix · 23/05/2017 14:34

I didn't give a fuck how much me (and DP) were set to lose. As selfish as that sounds!

That doesn't sound selfish. It sounds very reasonable.

LobsterQuadrille · 23/05/2017 14:41

Hi OP, I was in a vaguely similar position to you some years ago - only one DD who was four and whose father wasn't involved in any way (my ex H). I had a termination under GA when I was about 8/9 weeks - no cramping afterwards and I went back to work the next day.

What I do recall is that my next period was the heaviest I have ever experienced in my life. Emotionally I felt nothing but relief and have never regretted it for a single minute. I know that DD and I have had a much better life than I could have given two DCs, being on my own as I have always been (DD is 19). Having read this thread, you are definitely doing the right thing - good luck for Friday.

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 23/05/2017 14:43

Thank you Lobster. It seems crazy to think that people can go back to work the next day! I'm glad you didn't feel any regrets or anything x

OP posts:
onanotherday · 23/05/2017 14:49

ok ...I get there must be so much going on for you now. But you need to take back control of this situation...there are so many ifs and buts. I can only suggest...as many have. don't go on holiday. cancel today..a strong message to all concerned. yes dcs will be disappointed. maybe tell them you have been unwell and need to rearrange for later in the year. But you seem not to want to do this? why?What could be more important than your health and dc's emotional security?

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 23/05/2017 14:52

Because I'm not emigrating to Australia with him, I'm not moving in with him. We are going abroad for a few days. The DC will be absolutely fine. If I was the kind of mother who didn't put my DC first then I wouldn't be ending the pregnancy. I'm doing it for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 23/05/2017 14:54

I am completely in control! DP will lose his holiday and his money if I say the word. He has no say in this whatsoever. It's also left so late that he can't go with anyone else (not that he would, because I'll obviously need some support after the abortion).

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 23/05/2017 15:04

So are you staying with him?!

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 23/05/2017 15:08

Probably not. We've agreed we need space after the holiday/abortion.

OP posts:
Roomba · 23/05/2017 16:01

Good luck for Friday, I think you've absolutely made the right decision for yourself, your health and your children.

I had a surgical termination at 10 weeks (had to wait 2.5 weeks). One of the very first thoughts I had when I woke up was 'Wow I don't feel sick any more!' The doctors said that I was fine to go back to work the next day, as it would be if I'd miscarried at that stage. I had some period pain type pain for a couple of days but that was it. As it was I did have to go back to work the next day as I didn't want anyone to know at the time, I just took it easy at my desk.

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 23/05/2017 16:25

Thank you Roomba. I just can't imagine this sickness stopping so suddenly! But I suppose if the pregnancy can be taken away so quickly then the symptoms can too

OP posts:
Jux · 23/05/2017 16:40

Goose re the holiday, you say you're not staying in the same place as him, so really you're just travelling together?

So, if you're fine after the anortion, you may not even have to see him while you're away?

I'm just concerned that he's so suddenly become reasonable. What was he like before you became pg?

Jux · 23/05/2017 16:44

Oh, and I've had 3 abortions. 2 due to contraceptive failure, amd one soon after I married. That last one was the hardest emotionally as I wanted that baby so much, it was dh who didn't. I may well have made the wrong decision there.

Anyway, all of them were pretty early like yours, and I suffered no ill-effects physically, went back to work the next day. I don't take GA well (I become suicidal), so the ill-effects I did suffer were due to that.

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 23/05/2017 16:45

Jux our apartments will be close I think, but we're certainly not sharing a bed or anything. I hate sharing a bed anyway!

Before the pregnancy... Well, he has good qualities and bad. He's attentive, kind, needy, will help with anything practical, from bins to laundry to hoovering to changing beds. Anything I ask... Or he'll offer to cook. He drives me mad with stupid questions sometimes but I'm an irritable person! We were close, but our lives were much more separate before the pregnancy. I saw my friends, he saw his. I spent time just me and the kids, he went to the gym regularly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 23/05/2017 16:47

Sorry to hear about your last abortion. Don't be so hard on yourself xx

I'm hoping to avoid the GA because a) the side effects, b) for some reason it frightens me to imagine someone removing the baby while I'm asleep and c) you can't eat or drink from the night before, which I will not cope with at all. I have to eat pretty much hourly!

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 23/05/2017 17:34

So are you going to be sedated, or is it non surgical?

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 23/05/2017 17:38

I'm going to insist on surgical. I don't want to take the pills. Will possibly be under local anaesthetic

OP posts:
Teddy6767 · 23/05/2017 18:05

If they give you the option for anaesthetic or no anaesthetic then definitely go with anaesthetic. don't put yourself through that level of agony if you don't have to!

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 23/05/2017 18:14

Thanks Teddy. I definitely want anaesthetic but just not general!

OP posts:
Teddy6767 · 23/05/2017 18:27

Make sure you only eat plain foods beforehand. No fatty or fried foods and no alcohol or they won't be able to give you any form of anaesthetic. Something like toast would be good. Fingers crossed it all goes ok for you and wishing you luck.

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 23/05/2017 18:37

Thank you :) I just read the same thing! Will probably take cereal in a pot or something as we'll be setting off at around 5:30am x

OP posts:
podstick · 23/05/2017 18:42

I think you answered your own question, trust me get out now. The longer you are in this relationship the more normal it will seem until you are completely beaten down and unable to function. Please don't stay, both for yourself and for your children.

podstick · 23/05/2017 18:43

OMG, Sorry, wrong thread, whoops

Cricrichan · 23/05/2017 18:54

I can't believe you're going on this holiday with him. What a stupid thing to do. And now you're bigging his good points. There's no point terminating if you're going to go straight back and let him manipulate you again.

NameChange30 · 23/05/2017 18:56

Yes, apparently the abortion is going to fix everything including the fact that he's abusive Hmm

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 23/05/2017 19:04

No Emma, it will fix the sickness, and mean that I don't have any commitment to him now, or in the future.

OP posts:
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