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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I need to leave my boyfriend, but I can't, can I?

297 replies

Gooseforchristmas · 20/05/2017 11:03

We've been together for six months. He is needy, and, dare I say it... Emotionally abusive. I have DC from my last relationship to think about. House is all mine and he lives an hour away. Sounds simple, right? Except I'm 8 weeks pregnant, and suffering from terrible morning sickness, meaning I can barely function, let alone look after the Children properly.

What the fuck can I do?

OP posts:
TheSeaPriestess · 20/05/2017 12:03

I would honestly terminate in your situation. You need to think about yourself and the kids you already have. If you keep it he will always have some level of control over you and (speaking from experience) use the child and hurt them too to get at you. My DD has had years of CAMHS and private therapy to get over the EA from her father.

If you do terminate this ends now and you and your kids can get him out of your lives for good.

NoSquirrels · 20/05/2017 12:04

Please stop and think clearly.

Take emotion about tiny babies out of it - you have time at the moment.
If need be - if he is abusive and manipulative like he sounds from your posts - then you can tell him you had a miscarriage and then you can split up after that.

A termination is not the only choice. But it would seem from an outsider's perspective to be a very healthy choice for you.

You have 4 children already.

This pregnancy is making you unable to function for those children.

This pregnancy is tying you closer and closer to a manipulative man. If you have the baby you will be linked forever- to both you AND your new child.

The effects of this will impact your existing 4 DC, who already have an abusive father.

Try to think of your DC first, then you. The pregnancy is not yet a baby whose needs you have to consider.

I think you need counselling urgently. Can you get a GP appt? Do you have a HV?

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 20/05/2017 12:05

TheSea I'm sorry to hear about your DD. that sounds horrendous for her.

Fucking hell, my friend has just said "You can't have an abortion! You'd regret it forever". I thought she'd be more supportive than this :(

OP posts:
UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 20/05/2017 12:06

Look. Only you can make the decision about what to do with your existing pregnancy.

But I would have a termination in your shoes, no question. It is the best way to get this toxic abusive fucker out of your life permanently and almost certainly the best thing for your existing children. It isn't the nicest thing in the world but you can have follow-up counseling which really helps to accept it and move on. It would also relieve your morning sickness and give you the physical strength to get this creep out of your life. Because you HAVE to get him out of your life.

I can't believe what a manipulative twat he is. He whined and sulked until you stopped your pill? Jesus fucking Christ.

Teddy6767 · 20/05/2017 12:07

Why would you regret it forever? I don't regret my Abortion one bit! Obviously it's not a pleasant thing to go through but if I hadn't have had one then I'd be tied to my loser of an ex for the rest of my life and living in debt. I am a million times happier now with my amazing DP and no debts and a lovely life. Your friend is being melodramatic!

NoSquirrels · 20/05/2017 12:07

Well, then your "friend" is not a friend.

It is an absolutely valid choice. It is unlikely in the extreme that you would "regret it forever".

Get impartial counselling.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 20/05/2017 12:08

Ps. No your friend is not being very supportive or helpful. I'm sorry for that. It's not for her to tell you that you'll regret it forever. Bpas or Marie Stopes can offer you counselling which may help you make a decision.

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 20/05/2017 12:09

I do have a good HV team Squirrels but I don't want anything ex could use against me. And he would! He's already stopped paying maintenance because I issued divorce papers. That's a good point actually, I was quite happy to wait the two years and just divorce then, but DP would not fucking let it go. It is costing me loads :(

Another thing to consider is that just after I found out I was pregnant, I got abnormal smear results, which I'm terrified about. But they won't give me any treatment if I'm pregnant, which DP didn't give a fuck about, as long as I have his baby, and also I was too sick to even get to my coloscopy appointment last week.

OP posts:
CandleLit · 20/05/2017 12:09

my best friend said I might be making a massive mistake if this is just hormones

But he was acting EA before you got pregnant hence you feeling pressure into not taking the pill.

my friend has just said "You can't have an abortion! You'd regret it forever".

Erm, I don't think your friend has particularly good judgement. She can't know that.

PurpleDaisies · 20/05/2017 12:10

I agree with seeing a counsellor to help you decide what to do about the baby.

Whatever you decide, you need to get away from this horrible man so think about how it would work as a single mum.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Astro55 · 20/05/2017 12:10

Why do you want another baby?

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 20/05/2017 12:10

Ok - disgusting question I know, but how long after having an abortion would the sickness stop??

OP posts:
Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 20/05/2017 12:11

Astro, I love having a big family. Although I was VERY happy with four

OP posts:
Trills · 20/05/2017 12:12

my best friend said I might be making a massive mistake if this is just hormones

Your best friend is encouraging you to stay, is that what you're saying?

Are they ignorant of the situation or do they think that being with an abusive man is better than being with no man at all?

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 20/05/2017 12:12

Goose I think that's a perfectly reasonable question. My understanding is sickness is usually gone within 3 days.

Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 20/05/2017 12:13

Would Bpas and Marie Stopes help with this kind of situation? Or just explain the abortion process? Can I ring them? DP is going out soon

OP posts:
Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 20/05/2017 12:13

Trills, good question. This friend is a fab friend usually BUT she doesn't like being single and has stayed with some shitty men in the past

OP posts:
Original poster
Gooseforchristmas · 20/05/2017 12:14

Thanks Under

OP posts:
NotMyPenguin · 20/05/2017 12:15

I'd seriously consider having an abortion. If you can't cope without him, this pregnancy (which is still in very very early stages) ties you to an abusive man.

NoSquirrels · 20/05/2017 12:16

Marie Stopes & BPAS will both offer counselling before you make a decision. They can book you in with a date etc but you can change your mind at any time, with no pressure. Ring them, they'll explain everything.

If your boyfriend is in the house now, please be careful with your devices and the possibility he could access this thread if he sees you posting.

Trills · 20/05/2017 12:16

Sounds like she's a good friend for some things but not others.
Advice involving men - not the person to go to!

Teddy6767 · 20/05/2017 12:16

I had mine with Marie Stopes and was booked in 10 days later for the abortion when I first called them. If you go direct through them you have to pay for it, but if you get a referral from your doctor then they'll do it for free (at least that's how it worked 7 years ago when I had mine).
You'll maybe experience some bad cramping after the procedure for up to 3 days (I definitely did!) and then I had light painless bleeding for 6 weeks and couldn't use tampons, have a bath or have sex. After that it was all fine and my periods went back to normal. Morning sickness usually disappears after the procedure instantly or within 3 days

NotMyPenguin · 20/05/2017 12:16

Yes, either BPAS or Marie Stopes will be able to help, either themselves or by referring you on to the right provider for your area. You need to contact them quite quickly though as there are several stages to go through, which often means a short wait.

NotMyPenguin · 20/05/2017 12:17

I believe you can now self-refer on the NHS, at least in areas I am familiar with.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 20/05/2017 12:19

If you go direct through them you have to pay for it, but if you get a referral from your doctor then they'll do it for free

Actually you can go to them straight and as long as you are entitled to NHS treatment they will simply bill the NHS. You only have to pay for a termination if you aren't covered by the NHS. I went straight through BPAS.