The Dating Thread 118. Online and real life dating advice

[Bant]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

I think I have 5 main irons now.

Mr Nice - he's the lovely but geeky, academic one who I might have to rename Mr Pen Pal at this rate.

Mr Red Trousers - he's 7 inches taller than me apparently, so let's say 4 inches in reality, so a good height for me. I cannot get over the red trousers. I hate, hate red trousers.

Mr Spaniard - actually, we're starting to get a conversation going. And he is Spanish. He looks pretty without being unattainably pretty.

Mr Outdoorsy - the oldest of my irons. We probably have the least in common, but we have some shared values and I feel touched by his messages. He looks a bit he-man and he has a shaved head (I have never dated anyone with a shaved head before), but he looks like he could be good in bed.

Mr Snow - I thought he was quite cute with his messaging, but Mr Outdoorsy is winning now. I blame anothernew with all the talk of being ravished. Mr Outdoorsy looks like the ravishing type. Who doesn't want to be ravished?

Yes, have noticed the same, no one seems to have their shit together. Apparently the best way to get over someone is to find someone else (said by mr Surf), maybe this is what 99% of these people think, they often have issues, a ex, baggage or mental health issues due to a previous relationship. I don't think I have met anyone yet who doesn't seem to have issues.

I have just un hid my profile and straight away I get a message from someone without a profile picture, so I message back saying 'sorry I'm not interested as you have no profile pic, good luck fishing' and I get a message back saying 'that's a shame', no profile photo cries out 'married'.

Pringle go for mr outdoors, I love a shaved head and a he-man body, and you need to find out if he is good in bed .

LoveMusic rest day! Hopefully Mr Surf will realise that compromise is required. I have found it tricky to work out how much I should compromise regarding the timing of dates. The guy I am seeing works antisocial hours therefore I compromise but I am mindful of my own needs too.

LM he needs a rest day over seeing you? Hmm if he likes you he could see you part of the day and say something like "it's been a heavy week so I will be tired by the afternoon but love to see you first". To write the whole day off and miss seeing you seems OTT. Where's the signs of interest and ideally passion ?

Pringle it's numbers game and you're in it. The more conversations and dates the more opportunities. I have dated 11 men between 1 date-2 months dating, over a period of 11 months I have not taken breaks and fairly stubborn . It is good practice if nothing else and I have learnt more about myself through the process.

I have sent a what's app message to the wrong man. It was funny as it didn't match our conversation and I had to say that I was messaging a friend about a film! 😂

Pavonia to be fair it's my hours that can be antisocial, he seems to be free some Fridays but I work Friday evenings, I also work some Sundays (but that's his rest day anyway), when I have a Sunday free this my only child free day so if he can't make time to see me on his 'rest day' there isn't much hope

Saying he can't see you on his 'rest day' implies that he sees seeing you as work.

That's bollocks. If you're trying to find some slot in his oh-so-precious schedule, then move on.

Hello all. So I'm just arranging another date with Mr Local when he drops into conversation that his ex still comes round once a week to see the cat. She has a key and lets herself in.

Nothing's ever simple is it? Red flag or cute that they are on such good terms?

Amber flag that his ex has a key and could let herself in any time?

I'm with Bant on this. Tread cautiously.

I once dated a man who shared custody of a cat with his ex. Yeah, he wasn't really over her. The cat wasn't cute. It was the two of them not letting go.

divorcedating I don't think I'd be over concerned about that, people can be weird about pets. Wouldn't put me off someone but i would probably want to address it a bit further down the line.

@Bant yes it's really not ideal is it? Apparently there is an allocated day and she texts him to make sure he's not home. Which means they are still texting each other every week.....

I'm suddenly far less worried about having to mention I'm waiting for my divorce to be finalised. I'm ahead in terms of complex and crazy ex situations.

DivorceDating Oh yes, the thing about OLD is everyone else's situation always seems to be more complicated than your own...

Favourite irons in the lead are Mr Spaniard and Mr Outdoorsy. There's still time for Mr Snow to make a return to glory, but those two are currently holding my attention.

Mr Spaniard has sent me his number so we can arrange a date at some point - we both have a busy week ahead, but we're both keen to find some time.

I am being fearless today. FEARLESS.

DD I wouldn't worry if someone was in the process of divorce, I don't understand an ex having a key for any reason I love my cat but couldn't be near my ex nor his things .

Pringle go for it!

I asked Mr Cook things on Sat that normally would have taken me months and he said he appreciated my honesty thankfully his answers matched what I am looking for . Don't think I will go back to hoping and assuming in the future as it wastes time.

pringlecat I'm loving your confidence! Absolutely go for it :-)

I think there's something in the water. I am not normally like this...

LanaDReye I think our deal breakers chop and change over time and it's right to rule people out sooner rather than later.

Definitely sooner. My biggest and worst assumption has been that I should compromise at the start as getting to know someone can take time. Rather than be clear on what I want and need I have tried to analyse what is available. It goes weeks along and I realise I won't be happy longterm and talk at that point, but issues can't be overcome.

I think the interview comparison is pretty accurate. I have time and space to fill and would like overlap into my wider life, but for a person with specific skills and behaviours!

LanaDReye Yes, and some candidates are a good match on paper, but in person, they just don't seem to be a good fit for the organisation and it is impossible to predict that...

I have worn myself out. I have one number, many irons and I'm not replying to any more messages tonight. Let's see if I'm as brave as I've been today tomorrow... Or if at midnight I turn back into a dateless pumpkin...

Bant thanks for your comments above re Mr Questions and it being an amber, not a red. FWIW I agree as he is nice and I do already know him, interestingly I only asked in the first place as a way of gauging interest, but it did lead to an interesting conversation about things I'd not thought of before.

Also on the conversation above reminds me of a post I read on the (excellent) reclaimed baggage website, about how you aren't ready to move on until you are relatively indifferent to your last partner. Would you all agree? I know I do have this in the back of my mind when men talk about their exes, especially if they are still bitter, I wonder if they are even ready.

Oooh yellow I love baggage reclaim. I wish I was that lady. It's a good measure I think. My ex didn't talk about his ex much. But when he did it would be a short, sharp, angry, screwed up face swear word. And it was the only time I ever saw him look angry. I should have known.

DD I would be put off by that. My ex wasn't happy about handing over his house key but I didn't want him to be able to come and go to my home as he pleased, regardless of whether he would. I have 2 cats and they stayed here, he only sees them when he picks up DD, if it weren't for DD, we wouldn't have anything to do with each other.

I'm relatively indifferent to my ex but some things he did are just examples I use of his lack of decency, just worrying as I don't want DD to think it's OK to behave like that.

Pringle another go for it

LM I would be about a rest day. What adult has those regularly? Even before DD, I didn't have a set day for that!

That sounds very good fiery hope for the rest

I'n so tired today after not sleeping from this wretched heat. I could do with a rest day!

Does anyone have any dates lined up for this week?

I have an adventure type date with someone I met at the weekend, he's booked a Go Ape treetop thing. So feel I can't cancel in case it's non-refundable although I have zero sexual interest in him 😕 but have had massive cull of tinder matches and will be more choosy in future.

Hi there I've not been on the thread before but have just well I guess been asked out and I'm a bit nervous n I think I might have gotten everything wrong and I could really use some advice