The Dating Thread 118. Online and real life dating advice

[Bant]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

I've had a NC but used to be here under a different name! Have a couple of irons, but this one I am not so sure about ...

What would you make of someone who always asks lots of really detailed questions while chatting? We know each other already but have only recently started spending time together just us, and there haven't been any moves.

Things like - I mentioned I spent a long time on the phone, he asked "to who?" Other conversations going along the lines of what did you do last night? I say went out, he asks - where? With who? These are small examples but it is a wider pattern, including questions about my breakup with STBXH, which I responded that I wasn't comfortable answering, and he apologised and said he just wanted to understand what happened.

I don't mind, but have never had this before and don't really understand.

It was reading your last post Lana about questions that made me wonder ...

Hi YellowA I joked about interrogating an iron, but I meant regular questions along the line of what is he looking for (casual/serious). I wouldn't dream of asking him who he sees when out. Even after an exclusivity chat, I don't think a grilling is needed if people spend time with their friends.

I expect you wouldn't ask him these questions?

To me it sounds like he is jealous and controlling!

YellowAardvark Welcome back! It sounds a bit heavy for me. It's one thing to take an interest in someone's life, it's another to demand every single detail. I agree with LanaDReye... Red flag!

Been looking at people who viewed me on POF. So many profile pictures look like people who would actually murder me. The crazies are out.

I do wonder how many perfectly nice normal people are let down by terrible photos 😀

unavita I like how you assume they are nice and normal. I bet most of them are actually serial killers... Clearly you're more optimistic than me!

Oh no, I swipe left and don't take any chances unless they have a dog but I do wonder about them

There have been some Well Hot serial killers over the years, e.g. Richard Ramirez? 😳😀

Thanks for advice - the questions seem flattering on the surface, and it's hard to tell the difference between someone showing an interest/keeping the conversation going and needing to know a little much.

I can't tell if he's really interested otherwise either so the questions are even more odd.

YellowAardvark I always move where I was slightly and don't give names. For example, I was out with my friend in Archway, rather than with best mate Bob the Architect in Camden. (This is a fictitious person and night out, but you get the idea.)

I mean, if I regularly go out with Bob in Camden, you might start hanging out in Camden hoping to catch me. There's only one way into that tube station from street level at present. I don't share what I don't feel comfortable giving away.

I also initially go by Jane rather than Sarah Jane Smith (again, made up example) so you can't find me on LinkedIn and wait outside my office.

In a committed relationship, I have no objections to meeting the other person in the lobby of my office and going for a drink in my favourite pub with my best friends from childhood, that sort of thing, but when talking to who is effectively a stranger, I don't give away more of my life than they need.

Stay safe. And if someone makes you feel uncomfortable, trust that women's intuition. It's what keeps you away from bad situations.

Waiting to hear from @fieryfighter :-D

Fifth date for me today with Mr Tinder. Went to a friend's last night and she gave me garlic bread - how do I get rid of garlic breath?!!

@YellowAardvark - I would be very worried about all those questions. Sounds very controlling. There's definitely a difference between showing an interest and the way he's asked those questions.

Not had a dick pic either but that would totally put me off. Yuk! What do these men think that proves?!

I got on really well with Mr Meet Me and my face looks like my photographs, so I think I was too curvy for him IRL. The plumber who hit on me recently (in my own home of all places!) was just as skinny as Mr Meet Me, so I've decided I'm not too whale-like for dating, he just didn't feel any chemistry. Which is fine. There. I've made my peace with the date and with myself!

With that said, I've just had a message from a personal trainer. Yeah, I think I'd need to be a stick thin gym bunny to feel comfortable dating a personal trainer...

fedupandnogin I reckon she'd have posted by now if things had gone wrong. So I think she must be worn out and is fast asleep next to a gorgeous man. Someone in this thread must be victorious!

If you've eaten tons of garlic, you will sweat it out through your pores, so have a nice cool shower with some scented shower stuff as close as possible before your date and don't run there, even if you're a few minutes late. Don't encourage more garlic to come out! And chew on some fresh mint beforehand if you have any in the kitchen.

I suppose I'd find the video interesting from the POV that I've dated a guy before who couldn't get properly hard before and that was a let down, and also as much as you want to say size isn't an issue, no one wants an extreme. But because I wouldn't date anyone who thought a dick video was acceptable, it would become a moot point anyway!

Wow. No dick pic (or video!), but I did get my first very inappropriate message.

Had a vaguely normal if not particularly enlightened first message. Had a look at his profile. Then comes the dirty message. Reported and blocked. Twat.

pringle I'm always getting dick photos, have had one this morning , I don't know why men think we want to see their manhood first thing in the morning (or at any time). Mr Surf hasn't sent me any naughty photos or dirty messages, I'm slightly disappointed but hoping he's just being a gentleman.

Thanks for the advice ladies about Mr Questions, especially the safety tips. I think the idea about different locations is a good idea regardless.

The thing I don't understand though is asking all those questions whenever we speak and then still not properly asking me out? Confused. Maybe time to just back off quietly and see what happens, as well as be mindful of this as a red flag? I feel a little sad and confused about it though as did like him. This is a hard game at times, isn't it?

Pringle great tip on the garlic! I am curvy also and would be nervous dating a gym bunny as wouldn't want someone who might want to seek to 'improve' me if that makes sense?

Fedup good luck for date 5!

Ug if someone ever sent me a dick pick I would be so unimpressed. Being in my mid-30s and having done all my dating last time in the mid 2000s this is one aspect of the dating landscape now that just perplexes me.

Pringle great advice on the not giving too many details away. I don't use my real date of birth on ptofiles; I use correct year but different day and month. Also my surname is very unusual so it's harder for cyber -stalking. Talking of which, Mr Cook booked a table yesterday under surname so I have his details off to pry, which is heathy for me to do, of course .

Lovemusic33 I don't usually look at POF so early. Maybe first thing is prime time for dick pics and pervy messages...

YellowAardvark It never gets any easier, but I think backing off would be the right call.

Oh, totally different, LanaDReye. I google them all to find out what I can about them for my own safety, but the point is once we part ways, I don't do anything with that knowledge. I discard it. If I gave away all my information, someone might use it to stalk me or make life difficult. I can vouch for my own future behaviour, but not a stranger's. With OLD, your starting point is always the other person is a complete stranger and could be a serial killer until/unless you provide otherwise.

This is such good advice. I'm an idiot and initially gave out my number etc to a few people straight away without even thinking. Luckily the worst so far has been text messages from people I, on reflection, definitely see no point in meeting. I need to get over my fear of missing out and stop hoarding matches I'm not very attracted to. 😳

unavita I do give out my real number these days rather than a spare number, but I block them if they get nasty and my voicemail greeting is a default one which doesn't give out my name.

If there's potential, it's worth chatting/meeting. If you know there's no way you could ever picture yourself with the other person, don't waste both your time.

Better to be single and posting on this thread than settling. It's been a while since anyone's shouted this one out loud, so here goes...

We are all the prize!

Except this person. This person not the prize 😀

unavita Is that what Tinder is? You've just put me off for life...

Wonder if John is a historian specialising in the difference between the rock used in ancient columns (I like history btw, but you know what I mean). This is basically all he has to offer 😂

😂

The first person I met on Tinder (last Sunday) was great, he was exactly who he said he was, good fun, easy to be with. Went back for another go in the week but way too close to home, for one thing he's the GP to two of my exes and, weirdly, I shared a bed with another former (hospital) dr of one of his patients earlier in June 🤡

So yeah there are loads of normal people there too!

Wahaha that's so funny 😂 you've cheered me up.

Yes, we are the prize. Mustn't forget.

I've been looking through profiles to keep myself distracted from getting in touch with ex. I'm not sure I'm ready to date yet, which is just as well really as I haven't come across anyone who excites me even a little bit.

I'm going to get my bum off the sofa now and take myself out for a solo date in the sunshine. Hope you all have a lovely day. Good luck with dates and Mr Texan must have done the trick I guess!