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Original poster

Anyone tricked their partner into having a baby?

261 replies

B42 · 13/05/2017 02:50

My friend is lovely, sweet, tough, strong willed.

Has been in a relationship for 4 years. Her dp loves her but as a result of a fucked up upbringing, won't marry her.

She doesn't care about marriage but at the age of 40, does care about the clock ticking with regards to kids.

He says he loves her to death. Doesn't want to be with anyone else, isn't looking. And wants children. But wants to be married first.

So catch 22.

She finally decided to take matters into her hands and stop taking the pill. Without his knowledge.
And is now pregnant. Has never been happier.

He is over the moon too.

But she is now feeling guilty that she "tricked" him.

Personally I think all's well that ends well.

What do you think?

OP posts:
GetInTheFuckingSea · 14/05/2017 18:04

It's not black and white because life is messy - people say things they don't mean, think things they don't say etc.

That said it is of course a shitty thing to do. That baby is not just a conduit for his mother's feelings but a person in his own right who for 18 years at least will be dependent on the two people who are engineers of this fucked up situation and who I think deserves better than this.

However it's in no way comparable to a man tricking his partner into being pregnant because the impact on women in terms of their health and bodies and earning power and so much more is different.

Floggingmolly · 14/05/2017 18:15

But when someone says they don't want children; it really isn't up to their partner to assess whether they mean it or not, GetIn, especially when the partner quite clearly have their own agenda going on.
It's actually perfectly clear cut, no matter how messy life gets.

GetInTheFuckingSea · 14/05/2017 19:05

Really? The whispered conversations, the sideways glances, the unspoken looks all count for nothing?

Like I say, it's not right, but relationships are complex beasts.

lisatried · 14/05/2017 19:19

Her DP is an adult and presumably knows this is a thing that could happen, so he is taking his chances having sex with her. But if she doesn't tell her dp now she will have to lie to her child it's whole life too, and that really is unpardonable.

Floggingmolly · 14/05/2017 19:28

Why would you draw conclusions from sideways glances and unspoken looks, when the man has been vocal about exactly what he does and does not want? Confused
If what he said he wanted jibed with what op (or her friend) wanted, she'd have had no problem taking his words at face value.
She "read between the lines" because she didn't want to hear the words...
And that's not ok.

minifingerz · 14/05/2017 19:49

I think this is what happened to DB.

SIL knew that once there was a child involved he wouldn't leave her. He was a bit non-commital prior to this. Wouldn't buy a house with her though they'd been together for years. Made decisions about working abroad without consulting her although they were living together.

It's worked out well for them both. He is massively indecisive and I think would have gone through life without children while paralysed by the thought of the enormity of the commitment. But he is a great dad and has realised his human potential as a parent and a partner. They married after their third child was born.

FrameyMcFrame · 14/05/2017 19:57

The amount of time women have to worry about conception, forced conception, rape, accidental pregnancy... Etc etc. men just waltz along through all of this. If it happens they can ALWAYS walk away. Women never have that choice.
I can't feel angry towards a woman using her fertility for herself for once.

Lalalandfill · 14/05/2017 20:04

I haven't RTFT, but am with the OP. All's well that ends well.

SlothMama · 14/05/2017 20:32

People that do this are completely in the wrong, doesn't matter if they are a Man or Woman. Nothing gives anyone the right to bring a child into the world without both sides consent.

This relationship won't end well.

LaLegue · 15/05/2017 05:59

Framey that's such a load of bollocks. Seriously, you think that it's okay to make a man a father by deception and against his express wishes because he always has the choice to walk away? Hmm

The only thing from your list that men don't generally have to worry about is rape. All the other things are equally an issue for men, in fact if they have a partner who doesn't want him to wear condoms and insists that she has BC taken care of, then they are every bit at risk of accidental or forced conception as a woman is. I fail to see how he can just 'waltz along' as you put it, when once conception has taken place he has no choice or say in the matter and his only option is to go with it or walk away and turn his back on the child he never wanted (but still be made to pay, assuming he is in a position to.)

Radishal · 15/05/2017 06:18

The fact the women can be victims of sexual assault makes it ok?HmmAngry

LaLegue · 15/05/2017 06:36

lalaLand haha your name is very apt. Jeez. [Hmm]

How about 'my brother got fed up with his wife insisting she didn't want any more kids because they already had six, but he knew deep down she didn't mean it. So he got her a bit drunk, had sex with her and whipped his condom off at the last minute knowing she'd never notice, and bingo! She's pg with number 7! She wasn't delighted at first but she came round in the end, so you know, all's well that ends well.'

Fucking hell. This place sometimes.

Radishal · 15/05/2017 07:01

"SIL knew that once there was a child involved he wouldn't leave her. He was a bit non-commital prior to this. Wouldn't buy a house with her though they'd been together for years. Made decisions about working abroad without consulting her although they were living together.

It's worked out well for them both. He is massively indecisive and I think would have gone through life without children while paralysed by the thought of the enormity of the commitment. But he is a great dad and has realised his human potential as a parent and a partner. They married after their third child was born."

So it's ok for women to make life changing decisions for men? Is it ok the other way round?

FatLittleWombat · 15/05/2017 08:09

This happens a lot, probably more often than people suspect. Personally, I think having a "happy accident" is just a small step worse than pressuring a man into agreeing to father a baby, which some women are quite open about.

I am surprised some pp are saying he might love being a father once the baby is born, I've never seen that happen.

Lalalandfill · 15/05/2017 09:03

I'm talking about this very specific situation as outlined by OP

Obvs, it is not OK generally Smile

Floggingmolly · 15/05/2017 09:21

It's not ok "generally", but you'll make an exception for this one, LaLa??

howthelightgetsin · 15/05/2017 14:16

The amount of happy accidents out there and the numbers of people who seem to get pregnant on birth control are simply unbelievable.

It isn't right and she should have had the conversation years earlier - what do you mean you want children but only when married but you don't want to get married? This makes no sense and they had to confront this and if the answer wasn't the right one her walk away as soon as possible given dwindling fertility. The fact that they got to 40 and 4 years together without addressing this is sad.

sheepashwap · 15/05/2017 17:31

There are genuine cases where birth control doesn't work. There's no method that is a cast iron guarantee, but some more permanent methods are better than others.

I've RTFT and nobody has convinced me that it's ever ok. Ever.

Dervel · 15/05/2017 18:06

Well it's happened to me. The idea we men can just walk away is fatuous in the extreme. At least in my case I couldn't. Don't get me wrong I am pleased as punch to be a father, and in fact was one of my enduring aspirations not only be a father, but a damn sight better one than my own.

However I wanted to be able to share that journey with someone special. However that was not to be as the mother of my child decided to act unilaterally and without my consent. She came off birth control without my knowledge, and despite my queries as to wether she was taking the pills, and I was perfectly happy to use condoms if not, lied directly to my face.

She then made no mention of the fact she was pregnant until long after the point of the morning after pill being an option. So I explained I would support the child, but I could no way envisage building a romantic future with someone so fundementally deceptive, so I left. I've been involved since day one, see my child almost every day, and pay my support.

However apart from my child being spectacularly fantastic my life is pretty bleak else wise and I'm fucking sunk if she chooses to move away. So yes this sort of behaviour is pretty deplorable if you ask me, and it would have been kinder if she'd just plunged a knife in my chest. So whatever other justifications the OP's friend has, I call loving or respecting her partner was not part of the equation, and I'd call bullshit if she ever claims to.

expatinscotland · 15/05/2017 18:14

'However I wanted to be able to share that journey with someone special.'

Okay, here is what I do not understand about this type of situation. Did you know she wanted children? And if you did, and knew she wasn't that 'someone special', then why did you continue to be in a relationship with her and have sex?

I was once married to a man I loved and we had a good marriage. But I wanted kids and he decided he didn't, ever. So instead of stringing me along, which wouldn't have happened anyhow, we split up and got a divorce.

I have several male friends who were similar. They were very upfront about this as soon as the relationship strayed beyond the casual (in fact, all by one had also had a vasectomy) and if she said she wanted them, they broke up with her.

I don't get women who want children now, or running out of time, but stay with men who tell them they don't want kids/don't want them now/not ready, etc. and equally, I don't get men who stay with women who make it clear they want children but they're not 'the one' 'that someone special' etc and also expect them to provide the contraception.

PaintingOwls · 15/05/2017 18:15

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP I wish you health and happiness.

Whilst I condemn this behaviour I think it happens far more often than people think. DP's sister and friends (about 6?) all had "happy accidents" within about 12-18 months of each other when they were early twenties. Now, either they all bad a really bad run of luck or some of those accidents were planned. They were delighted to be raising babies together who would be "friends". They're now scattered away from the home town, most single mothers, one in a volatile relationship and one on her second child.

PollytheDolly · 15/05/2017 18:40

Wow Dervel. Thanks for posting that truthful insight into what it can be like for the man.

PollytheDolly · 15/05/2017 18:52

Okay, here is what I do not understand about this type of situation. Did you know she wanted children? And if you did, and knew she wasn't that 'someone special', then why did you continue to be in a relationship with her and have sex?*

Fgs she lied about the pill then kept it from him until it was too late. She definitely wasn't someone special.

NeoTrad · 15/05/2017 18:55

Children are a natural bye product of sex. All this thinking and planned no doesn't necessarily make people happier. Letting nature take its course is often best!

Dervel · 15/05/2017 19:00

Well we had been dating 10 months, I knew she wanted children and we discussed a time frame. Also an actual genuine accident would have been an entirely different proposition. In addition people who are deceptive don't wear a badge indicating themselves as such.

I also do not 'expect' anyone to provide the contraception. What I do expect is to have a grown up conversation exploring what birth control options to use. I have dated a girl previously (long term) who had horrendous reactions to any pill, injection you could care to give her. I made it absolutely clear I am happy to suit up, as it makes no odds to me. My ex who tricked me explained she found condoms unsatisfying so I took her at her word.

I actually suggested condoms at various points but was subjected some spectacular weapons grade gaslighting about how I didn't trust her and how hurt that made her. I felt horrible.

Now I am in no way and no how trying abdicate the responsibilities I have to my towards my child, but I think the emotions of betrayal and hurt I feel are valid, and I would thank you for not insinuating the fault somehow lies with me as the lied to Party. Of course I'm responsible for any children I father I am not disputing that, but these sorts of deceptions can ruin lives and I think blaming the victim is not on quite frankly.

I take the point as a man I obviously don't have to suffer the physical effects of a pregnancy so when men do it to women and remove a condom or something the violation is measurably worse, but it does not follow that no negative consequences accrue to the men who are betrayed in this way, and thus women are somehow immune to moral culpability when they lie in this way.