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Original poster

Anyone tricked their partner into having a baby?

261 replies

B42 · 13/05/2017 02:50

My friend is lovely, sweet, tough, strong willed.

Has been in a relationship for 4 years. Her dp loves her but as a result of a fucked up upbringing, won't marry her.

She doesn't care about marriage but at the age of 40, does care about the clock ticking with regards to kids.

He says he loves her to death. Doesn't want to be with anyone else, isn't looking. And wants children. But wants to be married first.

So catch 22.

She finally decided to take matters into her hands and stop taking the pill. Without his knowledge.
And is now pregnant. Has never been happier.

He is over the moon too.

But she is now feeling guilty that she "tricked" him.

Personally I think all's well that ends well.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Bambamrubblesmum · 13/05/2017 04:13

Someone told me to have a happy accident when I was married to my ex (He had changed his mind about having kids). I was appalled at how casually this was suggested.

At the moment it's a happy thing but when the going gets tough will he be so over the moon? He may start thinking that he didn't sign up for this.

I don't agree it's fair tbh. Thankfully I didn't take that advice and am now happily married to MrBamBam with two DC.

Bambamrubblesmum · 13/05/2017 04:17

Plus I agree with Plunkette appearances can be deceptive. If it's not you then you don't know everything that's going on and it's not necessarily as neat as saying 'alls well that ends well'. Having a baby isn't an end, it's a beginning and tests the strongest of relationships.

SpareASquare · 13/05/2017 04:37

Happens all the time. How many 'accidents' do we see on here, for example. Partners don't want a child, or more children and then, oops, another on the way. As long as you call it an 'accident' all is good
It's underhanded, selfish and really shows who she is. You have no idea of what is really going on or how it will pan out. But hey, your 'friend' got what she wanted and that's ALL that matters. Not the partner, not the future child, just your 'friend'.
She's also shown that she's not at all 'lovely' and 'sweet'.

MargaretRiver · 13/05/2017 05:01

How can you possibly know he's going to be a great Dad?

Even the keenest of fathers at conception can turn out to be a bit shit when faced with the reality of babies/toddlers/teens.

Now with major hang-ups about family life, when times get tough, could easily tell himself he never wanted this and act accordingly

All is well that ends well, but this one won't have ended for another 18+ years

SpikeGilesSandwich · 13/05/2017 05:03

It's a horrible thing to do, you shouldn't force someone to have a child against their will, that's appalling behaviour.
My friend found out a few years ago that her mother did this, it explains why she's always felt her father didn't want her, turns out, he really didn't. The parents relationship didn't last, he left when my friend was a baby. He's always paid for her and been in her life but there's always been a distance and she could never figure it out. She resents her mum now and feels she can't trust her. The mum has played the victim for years, turns out she's a manipulative cow who has permanently damaged her relationship with her daughter and left her with daddy-issues which are reflected in her own relationships.

scoobydoo1971 · 13/05/2017 05:08

Whatever the dubious moral position, in yey olden days before the invention of reliable contraception...the shotgun wedding was a rather common-place event in society. Race forward to the 21st century it still happens rather a lot that women get pregnant because they want a baby or want to trap a man. I know several women who did that...although most relationships went down the pan after the baby arrived.

The man in this situation may not have wanted children, but when he holds his own baby then he may feel very different. Of course he should have been informed about her stopping contraception to make an informed choice but it is not a perfect world.

Kittymum03 · 13/05/2017 05:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ginger782 · 13/05/2017 05:19

Kittymum03 Your mum sounds proper nuts. Sorry. Confused

Kittymum03 · 13/05/2017 05:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whenwillwe3meetagain · 13/05/2017 05:28

If he wanted a kid but didn't want to be married what did he want more?

KingKongHadABigDong · 13/05/2017 05:38

I read that as you talking about you too!

Kids are a game changer no matter how much he loves You or your friend or whoever. Nothing willl be the same ever again so thinking he loves her/you/Mr tumble having a child together changes everything.

You are being very naive

DevilsDumplings · 13/05/2017 05:39

I think it's sad she tricked him. Why not say 'Just so you know, I'm stopping the pill. My biological clock is ticking and I'd like to try for a baby'. She was the one taking the pill, so she controls if she takes it or not. He should have had a choice about becoming a father and all the responsibility that comes with that, including financially, for the rest of the child's life.

Depending on the dynamics of the relationship it could be something he later throws back at her in resentment.

MimiSunshine · 13/05/2017 05:40

Men who remove condoms during sex without their partners knowledge in what's known as Stealthing are abhorrent.

Women who stop taking contraceptives in order to get pregnant without their partners knowledge because they think either a) they know what their partner wants better than they do or b) they think they have a right to a baby more than their partner has a right to consent to a baby are equally abhorrent

CiliatedEpithelium · 13/05/2017 05:52

This happened to my DH in his first marriage. He pretended he didn't know but he did. They planned children anyway but the first came along much sooner than planned as she tricked him. Resentment gradually built as he wanted to have saved some money first and was always on the back foot financially as a result. It fundamentally changed the way he saw her as a person although he kept quiet about it to keep the peace. Long term though, not so good.
This is the lowest stunt to pull.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/05/2017 05:54

From the way you portray it, it sounds as though this man would never have made any kind of decision. Then later in life, he may have regretted choosing not to make a decision. As is, the decision has been taken from him. Perhaps it will turn into a good thing. Personally I think there is some difference between tricking a partner, who has specifically said they don't want one into having a child and this situation. I think your friend should ensure she is well equipped for parenting, especially if she didn't have good parenting herself as it sounds as though her dp wasn't taught many of the things he needed to know as a child. She will therefore likely need to teach him many things about parenting. Having a child should be a joint decision and in reality it doesn't alway work out this way.

EezerGoode · 13/05/2017 05:54

Oh gosh...no that's not something I have sympathy for...we had 3 dc and I was desperate for dc4.. 10 yrs I waited untill dh was happy to try..I know if we had ,had an accident he would of loved the child..but I'm an honest person,and couldn't of lived with myself if I had tricked him...something's are best kept quiet,and I do think the truth will come out...I do understand your friends need for a baby.but she broke her husbands trust In what she did..

user1486915549 · 13/05/2017 05:58

Terrible behaviour, I hope she doesn't expect financial support for the child for years if they split up.
Expect she will though.

Funnyonion17 · 13/05/2017 05:59

It's so obviously you op! You want people here to ease your guilt, they wont Hmm

A man was called a rapist for removing the condom without tell his partner on here yesterday. What you've done is just as sick imo. It's selfish and not loving at all.

sizeofalentil · 13/05/2017 06:03

My dh Tricked me into getting pregnant. I thought we were going to Netflix and chill.

Kannet · 13/05/2017 06:10

My sil did this. She got her baby, but bil completely checked out of relationship. He is a brilliant father but he never forgave her,he refuses to marry her now, despite knowing that's what she wants more than anything else. Sure he sees it as her punishment.

sizeofalentil · 13/05/2017 06:11

But in all seriousness, I know three couples where this happened (two females friends and one male friend).

In one case the couple split but the guy was happy to be a father, in the second the guy has nothing to do with the baby and they also split, and in the last couple, they are on and off but he really resents her and cheats constantly.

I totally sympathise and think for your friend it would have been a case of this or never but it's a risky strategy and quite unfair.

GinIsIn · 13/05/2017 06:13

It is never, ever ok to take away someone's right to choice. If the genders were reversed, it is now a prosecutable offence in some coubtries: www.google.co.uk/amp/www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/man-convicted-rape-condom-sex-switzerland-a7521891.html%3Famp

mustiwearabra · 13/05/2017 06:18

Eugh, this is horrible. It's the equivalent of there being a man poking a hole in a condom to get a woman pregnant without her knowing. I have a feeling you'd be up in arms about that OP.

MrsPresley · 13/05/2017 06:18

I bet there's loads of women who have tricked their partner liked this, or men who have tricked their partner into getting pregnant!

But I'd also bet that for every 1 that has a "happy ending" there will be at least 10 where either the woman will have a termination or the man walks away.

It not something I would recommend anyone does, a baby should be wanted by both parents and no one should be tricked into it...ever!

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2017 06:24

If this is your 'friend', not only is she pretty repulsive, she's also got a big mouth. And now it's on here. Because you haven't been discrete either.

Secrets and lies come out. And it's a baby. A human being. Started with a lie.