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Original poster

Anyone tricked their partner into having a baby?

261 replies

B42 · 13/05/2017 02:50

My friend is lovely, sweet, tough, strong willed.

Has been in a relationship for 4 years. Her dp loves her but as a result of a fucked up upbringing, won't marry her.

She doesn't care about marriage but at the age of 40, does care about the clock ticking with regards to kids.

He says he loves her to death. Doesn't want to be with anyone else, isn't looking. And wants children. But wants to be married first.

So catch 22.

She finally decided to take matters into her hands and stop taking the pill. Without his knowledge.
And is now pregnant. Has never been happier.

He is over the moon too.

But she is now feeling guilty that she "tricked" him.

Personally I think all's well that ends well.

What do you think?

OP posts:
ShuttyTown · 13/05/2017 10:21

Oh and BIL knows now and just laughs it off Hmm

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 13/05/2017 10:22

She should feel guilty, what a despicable thing to do.

If you love someone, you don't lie to them, you don't make them a parent when they don't want to be and your wants don't over ride theirs.

Definitely a reminder to our sons, never ever trust a woman contraception wise even in a LTR or marriage.

corythatwas · 13/05/2017 10:25

Plunkette Sat 13-May-17 04:00:19
"He's not a changed man though
B42 he's exactly the man he was before.

She's probably not who he thought she was though."

One thing is for sure. She can never complain if she finds out that he has lied to her and tricked her, because that is what she has now decided their relationship is based on: lies and deceit. And let's face it, if you are not the OP, but know about it and are here posting online, then her secret is not terribly safe, is it?

also I suspect a strong element of this:

HappyJanuary Sat 13-May-17 09:56:38
"'He has never been happier'

No, he is pretending to be happy because the horse has bolted and he isn't a complete shit."

It's what a decent man would do: make the right noises about something he can't change. And probably feel terribly guilty if he doesn't have the right feelings as well.

It may work out well. The right feelings might grow, maybe they already have. But from now on, this relationships is based on lies.

LonginesPrime · 13/05/2017 10:26

Definitely a reminder to our sons, never ever trust a woman contraception wise even in a LTR or marriage.

Yes, and let's not forget to tell our daughters that all men are bastards too..

user1493630944 · 13/05/2017 10:29

Since both are happy there is not a problem at all. I'm amazed at some of the critical posts, child will have 2 loving parents which is surely the most important factor. The only puzzle is why you would post about it on a public forum, it is not your place to do so.

thethoughtfox · 13/05/2017 10:31

He won't marry her
Wants children
Wants to be married first.

This isn't a catch 22. He doesn't want to marry or have children with her. How can you not see that?

And, it hasn't ended well. It has only just begun.

Nancy91 · 13/05/2017 10:33

That's fair. As long as you're cool with him poking holes in condoms when she doesn't want any more kids.

FrenchMartiniTime · 13/05/2017 10:37

Your 'friend' is a manipulative bitch.

With a mother like that I feel sorry for this poor child being brought into the world.

And I'm sure all the woman on here condoning this would be perfectly happy if their partners forced them into getting pregnant?

Beggars belief!

TSSDNCOP · 13/05/2017 10:40

Two of my friends have done this. It has not ended well in either case.

I see on here all the time that if men don't want kids they should condom up as well as their partner being on the pill. Maybe so, but if the person you've been with for many years seemingly understands your views enough to have not left you'd have to believe you can trust them.

Also, as in my case, it's never just the woman that knows the truth. There's always a bunch f her female friends standing round going "we knew you'd come round".

babynugget · 13/05/2017 10:40

I know 2 women who have done this. With both these women the resentment the men felt just simmered away for years. None of the kids in this situation have had a happy home life as a result. The dad's both stuck around, out of a sense of duty and responsibility, and adored their kids (and went on to have further planned children) but neither of them had any respect left for the women. One of them left eventually when he found out she was trying to trick him into a fourth child the other is still there in a miserable life. They both found out because, like the OP's friend, the women had chosen to tell a few friends in a very blaze way, who told a few friends, etc, etc. Nobody is a winner in this scenario.

AnyFucker · 13/05/2017 10:43

That is despicable. It happens a lot though.

jeaux90 · 13/05/2017 10:44

On a practical note. They are not married. If they are not going to get married your friend needs to get herself back to work as soon as possible. She will have no rights financially apart from child maintenance if this all goes tits up.

CheeseQueen · 13/05/2017 10:50

No, as that's a disgusting thing to do. She's damn lucky he was happy about it.
Men have just as much right to decide when to become parents as a mum does, and anyone thinking otherwise is an a twat of the highest order.

CheeseQueen · 13/05/2017 10:54

Why poor kid Terfing? They love each other and are in it for the long run

Maybe the fact that one parent didn't get a choice whether to become a parent or not? They just got decided that "yes, you're going to be a Dad."
Then tricked.
Ever seen Desperate Housewives where Carlos doctors Gabi's pills and she ends up pregnant when she didn't want to be? Exactly the same thing.

MyheartbelongstoG · 13/05/2017 10:55

Terrible to force someone to become a parent!

What if they rejected the child. Selfish woman.

HollywoodStunt · 13/05/2017 10:57

If you really must find fault with the man then he could have said from the outset that he'll never want children because he never wants marriage, rather than leaving that width of a hair strand hope that he might some day if he's ever come to terms with his past. But this is very weak and what you (or the alleged friend) has done is far worse because it was evident to you/her that he didn't want children so you/her could have moved on to a new partner a long time ago and got what you/they wanted with out deceiving anyone

Emboo19 · 13/05/2017 11:02

I just don't get how you can have a 'good' relationship, which involves lying to each other!
Our dd wasn't planned (I was on the implant, so definitely wasn't a planned accident).
My boyfriend really didn't want dc and it was a difficult start. He's great with her now and of course neither of us would be without her.....but I could never have put him in that situation intentionally!
He's not sure he wants another or when, where as I definitely do and would like one sooner than I would if we didn't have dd.

I'm the one who's more concerned about contraception than him though, if we have another it will only be because we both want one. I'm aware that might mean I either don't have another child or I re consider our relationship.
As much as I'd be able to convince myself it worked out with dd, so it would with another. I just couldn't lie and deceive him like that!

0nline · 13/05/2017 11:12

There's no black and white here.

Yes there is. Children's needs always trump adult wants.

Children need to not to be created in a web of deceit and deception, in order to maximise their chances of a stable and happy home life/realationship with both of their parents.

Some people are looking at this with an entirely adult-centric slant.

It's a child, not an "illicitly bought and snuck into the home against partner's wishes" pot plant.

The children conceived in this manner have the least say of anybody concerned. All while having the highest risk of bearing the brunt of the consequences for far longer, to a far steeper degree.

Fifthtimelucky · 13/05/2017 11:14

Of course it was an appalling thing to do. But many people behave appallingly when desperate.

Peanutbutterrules · 13/05/2017 11:24

Doubts will start to creep into his mind; he'll realise he was deceived and it will all come unravelled. He'll wonder what other lies/dishonesty is she capable of. This is a biggie. Not a smart move.

He may well just walk out when the going gets tough (because it does with kids) under the heading of 'I never wanted this'.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/05/2017 11:25

It will be interesting to see (for you, OP, since none of us know who the perpetrator is) how well the reluctant father copes once the baby is born.

I used to work with a man who didn't want children - I suspect what he didn't actually want was to deal with a baby - and then eventually, after a few years, his wife became pregnant. I don't know whether she'd blackmailed him into it, or done the "happy accident" thing, but it didn't work out for he because shortly after the baby was born (I mean a few weeks) he left her for another woman at work, who had 3 DC. It was bizarre to see them playing happy families together, when he'd abandoned his own baby, but that's what happened.

Rioja123 · 13/05/2017 11:26

Absolutely disgusting thing to do to someone. If you're with somebody who doesn't want marriage and kids, and you do, you're not with the right person. There's no compromise. So tricking him into it is just awful.

anon1987 · 13/05/2017 11:34

I wouldn't do it personally but I agree that alls well that ends well.

As for the people saying that she should have left and gone and had a baby on her own...how is that better then the current situationHmm

Mine and dps first child was completely unplanned by both of us, we had her, she's now 11 and the absolute apple of our eyes.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/05/2017 11:39

She's 40, been together 4 years, so 36 when she met him. And he "says he loves her to death. Doesn't want to be with anyone else, isn't looking. And wants children. But wants to be married first." Although, "as a result of a fucked up upbringing, won't marry her."

Well, isn't he the headfuck? Wants children, wants to be married before having children, won't marry.

She should have dumped him when she was 36 and looked elsewhere for a non-headfucking partner. Because he must have known that at 40, his partner's fertility would be nosediving, so he was maintaining a situation where children with her were not going to be on the cards much longer anyway. So do I believe he is actually over the moon? Do I fuck.

Your friend is in a precarious position. I wish her well, but I don't think this will turn out well.

WaitingYetAgain · 13/05/2017 11:49

It doesn't make any sense.

He says he doesn't want to get married, but then says:

... And wants children. But wants to be married first.

He told her he didn't want to marry her and that he'd only have children married. So either way, he didn't want children with her, did he? I don't see how he could have been any more clearer about it!

In a relationship, I wouldn't want children with someone who didn't want children with me. I would find it a big turn off to be told at 40 that the guy doesn't want to marry me because of his issues and yet he won't have children unless he is married, regardless of my age issue. So basically expecting me to wait and potentially miss out on the chance to have a child. He could go on to have children later, women don't have that luxury. It's his prerogative to make those choices, but at the same time I think it should have told her exactly where she stood and at her age she should have walked away from the relationship.

Tricking him into having a baby is just wrong. It's a complete breach of trust.