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Original poster

Anyone tricked their partner into having a baby?

261 replies

B42 · 13/05/2017 02:50

My friend is lovely, sweet, tough, strong willed.

Has been in a relationship for 4 years. Her dp loves her but as a result of a fucked up upbringing, won't marry her.

She doesn't care about marriage but at the age of 40, does care about the clock ticking with regards to kids.

He says he loves her to death. Doesn't want to be with anyone else, isn't looking. And wants children. But wants to be married first.

So catch 22.

She finally decided to take matters into her hands and stop taking the pill. Without his knowledge.
And is now pregnant. Has never been happier.

He is over the moon too.

But she is now feeling guilty that she "tricked" him.

Personally I think all's well that ends well.

What do you think?

OP posts:
NameWithChange · 13/05/2017 12:22

OP - you said he has a 'block' with regards to family because of his past. He might be happy as Larry she is pregnant now but right now isn't life with a small child.

I think it is a disgraceful thing to do.

I had 2 close friends who did this to their partners. It changed forever the way I saw them as people. They are not friends anymore. I believe to force someone you are supposed to care about into such an enormous thing and deceive them so deeply is appallingly selfish and ultimately they are not the kind of people I would count on as friends.

LonginesPrime · 13/05/2017 12:32

With a mother like that I feel sorry for this poor child being brought into the world.

Steady on, French - a lot of us have mother's who are manipulative bitches and we eventually turned out fine.

Lots of us don't have a great relationship (if any) with them now, though, so OP, I hope for her sake that your 'friend' mends her ways!

Leonardo44 · 13/05/2017 12:46

I don't think this makes any sense whatsoever.

If it's really a friend then I'd say there's something she's not telling you. If he really wanted kids, he would have been happy for her to stop taking the pill.

NameWithChange · 13/05/2017 12:49

Incidentally my closest friend who did this made all our relationships and friendships very difficult. I had to sit and listen to her DP tell me that he had 'super sperm' as he made her pregnant when on the pill (I knew she had stopped taking it). After the baby was born he told us he had to use condoms as well as her on the pill as he believed he was so fertile. I hated the way she had lied.

When she was pregnant she told me that she had given him the 'choice' about her having a termination but she was just letting him think that as she would never terminate.

He had wanted to have children but not for a few years as they were both still early 20s and he wanted some financial security first.

My friend and I had a conversation months later where she was being particularly judgemental about happenings in my life, I told her that I didn't appreciate it, particularly as I had never judged or commented to her about her deception regarding getting pregnant. She hit the roof. Told me I was a bad friend as I had been feeling things about her that I hadn't told her. She hassled and bullied me with her sister saying that I would ruin many people's lives if the truth came out etc. I would NEVER have told her DP and never threatened to, but she obviously felt so uneasy by the possibility of the truth coming out that was the end of our 10 year + friendship.

All very sad. And her DP still trusts her and would never imagine the depths she would go to for her own selfish gain.

Cricrichan · 13/05/2017 12:59

Not ideal but then he shouldn't have been stringing her along during the last years of her fertility!

ddssdd · 13/05/2017 13:03

The fact that he is over the moon, is neither here nor there.

She tricked him. And what if he'd have decided to dump her & she was left as a single parent?

I know of someone who did this. My respect for her decreased, rapidly.

Batteriesallgone · 13/05/2017 14:11

I know one woman who was with a partner like this.

She decided enough was enough and gave him a date she was going to stop taking her contraception. She said she wanted his children but if he didn't want them he should leave her, and definitely stop having sex with her.

He did a bit of soul searching, then decided to ignore it (mature), then she got pregnant first month Shock it forced them to talk, really talk, they are now happily married with their little boy. It was risky but at least she was honest and had nothing to be ashamed of.

Billben · 13/05/2017 15:01

If I was a man and somebody did this to me, I would be absolutely livid. And I don't think I could stay friends with someone whose done such a thing either. Disgusting behaviour.

Radishal · 13/05/2017 15:03

"He did a bit of soul searching, then decided to ignore it (mature), then she got pregnant first month it forced them to talk, really talk, they are now happily married with their little boy. It was risky but at least she was honest and had nothing to be ashamed of."

I'd say she has a bit to be ashamed of if she didn't have his consent. Not saying No isn't the same as consent.

LaLegue · 13/05/2017 15:04

She decided enough was enough and gave him a date she was going to stop taking her contraception. She said she wanted his children but if he didn't want them he should leave her, and definitely stop having sex with her.

That's absolutely fair enough. And it's what the woman in this case should have done.

glitterglitters · 13/05/2017 15:14

At least she was upfront and not sneaky, if a tad risky at calling his bluff.

If he was really that worried about it he would have taken precautions. It's almost like he didnt because it took the decision away from him but he didn't not want to do it.

Not my bag though. This would have been a deal breaker for me and as much as I loved a person I'd have to leave.

Radishal · 13/05/2017 15:22

Next time a woman comes on here and says a man propositioned her; she thought he was quite fit but wasn't sure about having sex, so he made the decision for her: remind me to say "fair enough, she knew he wanted sex and she didn't walk away". No, I won't because I know what that is. Get real.

unapaloma · 13/05/2017 15:23

I know someone who is a nurse, and had 3 DCs , apparently ALL of them accidents! Not sure how the DH managed to maintain a belief in that story 3 times over, I thought it was pretty low, and the dad was fairly sulky and uninvolved every time I saw them.

ScarlettFreestone · 13/05/2017 15:28

The thing is, for those (few) who think this is ok, where is the line?

If it's ok for a 40 year old whose been in a relationship for 3 years, would it still be ok if they'd only been together a year? Six months? A month?

What about a 35 year old? Or a 30 year old?

She had other choices (maybe not great Ines but still choices) she removed all his choices.

LaLegue · 13/05/2017 15:36

What bewilders me about women who do this is why would you want to stay with a man and share parenting with him, knowing full well that his heart is not in it and he's only going along with it because he had no choice - either be a father begrudgingly or leave you high and dry because you got PG. If he sticks around he's going to be full of resentment and every time you feel unsupported you'll get 'well you wanted this, not me.'

It's not really a great set of options to choose from is it, versus just leaving and finding a man that wants children.

Radishal · 13/05/2017 15:39

Use a sperm donor. Having a baby is not a human right.

Goingtobeawesome · 13/05/2017 16:02

Thanks @WhatAlready. having counselling now for the sexual abuse but it's left me far oto emotional re first boyfriend, struggling With stuff Dh has done but I was happily married and we have three children.

BadToTheBone · 13/05/2017 16:47

It's a crappy thing to do, I feel sorry for the man but I don't feel sorry for the child. I don't feel sorry he's going to be a dad, I feel sorry that he has a partner he can't trust, even though he thinks he can. He'll be the type of father he wants to be regardless of whether he wanted the child in the first place.
My ds was an accident, dh was ecstatic from the start, I cried for weeks. Do I love ds, damned right I do, he's just walked past me eating cold pizza, he gave me a cheeky grin and I melted, as I do every bloody time.

Babyblues14 · 13/05/2017 16:51

Of course he is happy. He has no choice not to be. What can he do walk out and leave her now she is pregnant. That would make him look great wouldn't it. He is pretty much trapped til the kid is a teenager

Arealhumanbeing · 13/05/2017 17:00

I know of 3 women who did this. Knowing that their partner didn't want or weren't sure about children.

They seem genuinely shocked that the relationships are failing and that their husbands don't enjoy family time. Sad for everyone.

Bluebell878275 · 13/05/2017 18:28

Changing the conditions/boundaries of sex without the other person's (male or female) consent is sexual assault.

My husband's ex did this (she admitted it). She has refused to acknowledge the depth of how serious the offence and has no understanding of the long-term consequences. While my husband has always loved his now 14yr old DD it completely turned him off having kids. I would love to have a child with him but he just has awful memories and he's worried it's going to change 'us'. I fucking hate that selfish, thoughtless bitch of an ex.

SleepingTiger · 13/05/2017 18:32

Is this the reverse of another thread I just posted on? At least I think it may be.

Woman met husband at 27 now 12 years later approaching 40 wants a baby, husband wonderful but doesn't and she is now resigned to that?

So could be a reverse of an existing thread...!
Or a reverse, ie could be husband of woman who has just got pregnant IYSWIM (I don't too much wine, but both threads are clearly there)

Batteriesallgone · 13/05/2017 18:46

Hang on Rad. If I'm not on any contraceptives and I tell a man that, and he says well I'm not going to use any contraceptives either, and then I sleep with him... I've taken an equal risk. He hasn't been trapped or misled into sex.

Men do have contraceptive options. If my friends partner didn't want to have children with her he could have used a condom, or just not had sex with her.

It was risky and I would never do it. But it wasn't underhand and she didn't force him to have unprotected sex with her Confused

kittytom · 13/05/2017 18:57

I agree with whereyouleftit that this man is a headfuck for insisting on marriage before kids but not wanting to get married when it is well known that waiting til after 40 for a first child is not advisable if there is a choice.

I am not agreeing with the deception - agreeing on some sort of timeframe taking into account her fertility would have been a better plan - but I can see what drove her to it. He sounds infuriating. I am glad that they are both happy now but good luck to her!

Offred · 13/05/2017 22:03

It is disgusting behaviour, no excuses.

Whilst it is true that no-one forced him to not use a condom and so he wasn't doing what he could to protect himself, and it is also true that he was likely stringing her along, that doesn't have any bearing on how unacceptable her behaviour is.

Unacceptable, irresponsible, selfish and disgusting and even if it does work out ok in the end it doesn't make her behaviour ok.