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Original poster

Anyone tricked their partner into having a baby?

261 replies

B42 · 13/05/2017 02:50

My friend is lovely, sweet, tough, strong willed.

Has been in a relationship for 4 years. Her dp loves her but as a result of a fucked up upbringing, won't marry her.

She doesn't care about marriage but at the age of 40, does care about the clock ticking with regards to kids.

He says he loves her to death. Doesn't want to be with anyone else, isn't looking. And wants children. But wants to be married first.

So catch 22.

She finally decided to take matters into her hands and stop taking the pill. Without his knowledge.
And is now pregnant. Has never been happier.

He is over the moon too.

But she is now feeling guilty that she "tricked" him.

Personally I think all's well that ends well.

What do you think?

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 13/05/2017 08:48

Eugh, this is horrible. It's the equivalent of there being a man poking a hole in a condom to get a woman pregnant without her knowing. I have a feeling you'd be up in arms about that OP.

Completely agree.

Frustrationstations · 13/05/2017 08:50

Ooh and in addition : my own mother tricked a man into impregnating her so he wouldn't leave her. She got pregnant, he returned to his own country. She became suicidally depressed. It wrecked my childhood and has also fucked me up for adulthood. Plus my sister has a dad abroad who she's never met.

Changedname3456 · 13/05/2017 08:54

"She isn't forcing pregnancy on the man through her actions. He won't either have to have an abortion or spend 9 months growing another human and then giving birth to it."

He may not have to carry the resulting foetus, that's true, but he's now forced to face the massive adjustments in their relationship, their finances and lifestyle because of her deceit "happy accident."

How could something so fundamentally life changing as becoming a parent not be a decision that needs to be taken open-eyed? Society can't have things both ways. If a man is, as he should be, obliged to step up to the plate if foolish behaviour (ons with no protection, for instance) results in pregnancy, a woman must have an equal moral obligation not to deliberately engineer the situation in which he unwittingly becomes a parent.

I hope OP's gobby mate can keep her trap shut to her DP, for the dc's long term relationship with her Dad.

BirdBandit · 13/05/2017 08:58

Awful thing to do, and delusional.

Not wanting to get married because of childhood issues? Hope you pal is up for being a single parent, because that's the road she is on.

Seen two men get over that psychological block once they met someone who they did want to marry, leaving their children's mother holding the baby, without all that pesky divorce to deal with.

BoredOnMatLeave · 13/05/2017 09:11

Well I know to 2 people who have done the same and I think they are pretty despicable too.

I don't understand why anyone would have a baby with someone you couldn't trust enough to have an honest and open discussion about a major life choice.

As PP mentioned before if it was the other way round you probably wouldn't feel the same.

BoredOnMatLeave · 13/05/2017 09:11

Well I know to 2 people who have done the same and I think they are pretty despicable too.

I don't understand why anyone would have a baby with someone you couldn't trust enough to have an honest and open discussion about a major life choice.

As PP mentioned before if it was the other way round you probably wouldn't feel the same.

akaWisey · 13/05/2017 09:11

My mother tricked my dad into believing that she wanted DC's as much as he did. Once pregnant (in the 1950s) she told him that she was only having me to keep him.

Cue a childhood for me of being passed around to anyone who would have me (including a long spell in care) because my M couldn't stand the sight of me and never let me forget it.

At my worst moment I've wished she'd had me aborted.

Your friend can't possibly predict the long term consequences for this child, whose raison d'être is based on manipulation.

DeeDooDee · 13/05/2017 09:12

OP
To those up in arms about the situation, I just don't think it's black and white but judge away as you will

It is black and white and I am judging.

I think is an awful manipulative and dishonest thing to do. I suspect it's quite common.

If the guy is so happy with the baby the woman has no reason to keep her deceit secret from him.

BoredOnMatLeave · 13/05/2017 09:14

Also seen plenty of men happy in pregnancy stages only to get bored and wonder off a year later...

Nancy91 · 13/05/2017 09:15

That is so fucked up, poor guy is pretending to be over the moon.

Penfold007 · 13/05/2017 09:30

If they are both so pleased about the pregnancy why doesn't she admit what she did?

kmc1111 · 13/05/2017 09:31

Revolting, unforgivable behaviour.

PoorYorick · 13/05/2017 09:34

I just don't think it's black and white but judge away as you will

What, you mean, do exactly as you told us to do when you stuck it on the internet inviting comment?

superangryface · 13/05/2017 09:44

I know more people who've tricked their partner into having babies than I'm comfortable with. It really upsets me.

One of them is a huge twat and is currently waiting to find out if she is going to have to end up having a very late termination or a very premature baby because being pregnant is physically killing her.

She told me quite happily, that despite going against strict medical advice, she had been ditching her birth control and (because her dp didn't trust her) had been piercing the condoms or splitting them with her nails.

Another married my dh mate convinced she would "change his mind" secretly about having kids. He was adamant he wouldn't have them. Told myself and another acquaintance she'd been ditching her birth control, lists of names in her phone. Got pregnant. Pretended it was planned. Dh mate isn't a dick and stood by her.

Baby was born, pretty much has no connection with the child. Goes away for weeks at a time and forgets her birthday. Has said quite categorically she loves her dogs more. She and her h almost split and argued over custody of the kid, over who HAD to take them. The kid is amazing and lovely and I hate this woman for her behaviour. She once said "well I had dc because I felt, as a woman, I needed to have a baby because it's a milestone event".

Neither of these relationships is particularly solid based on this and other things. I doubt there are many happy endings in these scenarios.

0nline · 13/05/2017 09:45

I hope OP's gobby mate can keep her trap shut to her DP

It may be a bit late for that. A secret is only a secret if just one person knows it.

The "tough, knows her own mind" bit might indicate a more than average willingness to shock, or show off how in control she is by telling more than a single, "sworn to secrecy" confidante. Certainly that was how one of the women I known who did this acted.

Once it is out there, the person at the centre has lost all control over where the news will travel.

Wasn't quite so much of an issue pre web 2.0. But with SM allowing circles of friends and aquaintences to overlap and interact, these days sharing a confidence can be end up being as discreet as placing an ad in the local paper.

Or a national one, if this thread gets picked up the DM and enough details ring some bells out in the real world where the OP's mate lives.

Lessthanaballpark · 13/05/2017 09:48

Unfortunately biology is messy and harsh. It doesn't conveniently wait until you have a successful but flexible career, a stable husband and a mortgage before it hits you with its urges.

There's no black and white here.

Radishal · 13/05/2017 09:50

Stealthing.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/05/2017 09:55

It's pretty black and white. It's a terrible thing to do - and the repercussions that folk have shared on this thread show why!!

I have a lot of sympathy for her though and I see why she took this path. Sounds like the 'honourable alternative' for her might well have ended up being with him until she was too old to have a baby and then him fucking off with someone younger when he changed his mind about a family. Too fucked up to get married but wants a baby of course but ooooh we have to be married first? Not on.

BUT, BUT, she should not have done this. If she's so straightforward and tough she should have levelled with him and told him either marriage now and baby, or just baby, or relationship over. That's the right way to do it.

But... then she's 40, and single?

So - I do have some sympathy.

Unfortunately the moral of the story here is to think ahead if you want kids and try your best to plan accordingly. How you do that when starting a new relationship at 36 I don't know. Nothing is great about this really.

HappyJanuary · 13/05/2017 09:56

'He has never been happier'

No, he is pretending to be happy because the horse has bolted and he isn't a complete shit.

If he was really happy about them expecting a child, he would've said yes any one of the million times she asked him if they could start trying for one.

When a man says 'I want a child but not until we're married' closely followed by 'I don't want to marry you' the message is resoundingly clear and she should've buggered off years ago.

An awful level of deceit and trickery, to force someone into parenthood.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/05/2017 09:57

Sorry Lessthanballpark the 'black and white' comment wasn't replying to you! - more the 'is it wrong' argument upthread.

Yes when it comes to the urges and feelings involved much harder to call anything black and white! I don't think for a moment that she is a bad person...

WinchestersInATardis · 13/05/2017 09:59

Ugh, no. As other posters have said, no different to a man poking a hole in a condom because he wants a baby and she doesnt.
You don't take away someone's choices. Not if you love them. And certainly not by forcing them to have a child.
It's a horribly manipulative and selfish thing to do. I would end a relationship over this, even if I wanted the child. I could never be with someone who could so casually change my life (and having a child is life changing) when I'd expressly said I didn't want it.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 13/05/2017 10:00

I wonder what else she is devious and manipulative about.

DeeDooDee · 13/05/2017 10:04

I'm amazed anyone can try and justify the woman's actions because the woman is getting older and really wants a child. It a child we are talking about not a new dress or something, you can't trick another person into having a child. It's a lifetime commitment 😳😳😳 Whatever the reasons for her wanting a child it's still horribly manipulative and dishonest.

LonginesPrime · 13/05/2017 10:10

OP, if it's not you that you're describing, it's none of your business is it? And it's certainly not your place to judge.

That person has to live with their decision and choose what they want to do about it, in terms of the pregnancy and coming clean. Completely their decision, so butt out.

ShuttyTown · 13/05/2017 10:20

My SIL did it to BIL. Baby is here now and he's a doting dad and totally hands on.