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Original poster

Anyone tricked their partner into having a baby?

261 replies

B42 · 13/05/2017 02:50

My friend is lovely, sweet, tough, strong willed.

Has been in a relationship for 4 years. Her dp loves her but as a result of a fucked up upbringing, won't marry her.

She doesn't care about marriage but at the age of 40, does care about the clock ticking with regards to kids.

He says he loves her to death. Doesn't want to be with anyone else, isn't looking. And wants children. But wants to be married first.

So catch 22.

She finally decided to take matters into her hands and stop taking the pill. Without his knowledge.
And is now pregnant. Has never been happier.

He is over the moon too.

But she is now feeling guilty that she "tricked" him.

Personally I think all's well that ends well.

What do you think?

OP posts:
sheepashwap · 13/05/2017 06:38

I'm good friends with a dad to be in this situation.

They'd discussed having children but put it off for a few years so he could be in a better place in his life. He told me this at the time as we were discussing our futures re career and kids (I have kids). A year later and she tells him she's pregnant, despite a clear agreement between them that she'd tell him if she ever wanted to stop taking contraceptives.

He is coming to terms with what she's done. He's happy to be a father - as he would have been in a few years. So he certainly looks happy and excited.

I believe it's an assault. I don't know how to categorise it, but she deliberately deceived him about the sex they were having and deliberately changed the course of his life without a shred of consent. I can see she wanted more of him than he was able to give right now and long term I'm not sure she is going to get what she wants (marriage/stability). So whilst he is happy at being a dad, this certainly hasn't made his love for her grow.

But he can't exactly have that printed on a t-shirt, so not many people know. They just think he's happy.

weatherbomb · 13/05/2017 06:49

I loved my exh very much. we had been together for many years though were younger than OPs 'friend'. milestone year came & I thought hmmmm time we moved things on & had a baby. I wasn't particularly maternal but we had discussed it then he changed his mind. I do wonder if we'd had a 'hapoy accident' would things be different? I think we would have been fine but I really couldn't have dealt with the guilt despite everything. It would've been so wrong and I respected him too much to trick him. Ironically we both have children with other folk.

tribpot · 13/05/2017 06:55

He loves her and wants to be together forever, but, for reasons linked to his parents unhappy marriage, had a block when it came to commitment and family.
And how do you suppose this is going to present itself when the baby is here and the reality of commitment and family hits home?

OnionKnight · 13/05/2017 06:58

I had a friend who did this, tricked her husband and ended up pregnant. It ended pretty badly, he divorced her and basically left her with nothing, he supports the child but not the ex wife.

BitchQueen90 · 13/05/2017 07:02

The post makes no sense. He doesn't want to get married but then it says he wants to have kids but only after getting married? Hmm

bigchris · 13/05/2017 07:08

How do some of these me know they've been tricked though
Doesn't contraceptive fail all the time or do they just see through the lie

No wonder some bloke's get vasetomies on the sly

user76895432 · 13/05/2017 07:08

A friend of mine did. Nearly 10 years ago now.

Her DH wanted children but thought it was necessary to have absolutely all their ducks in a row financially before TTC. He wanted 75k in savings first for example.

She was over 35 and worried about not being able to conceive at all.

She stopped taking the pill without telling him and got pg a few months later. Told him - and everyone else, including me- that it was an accident. 'Unplanned pregnancy' appeared on her midwife notes for example.

Her DH was apparently genuinely delighted once he got over the surprise. In fact, he talked her into TTC quite soon after her DS was born and they went on to have 2 more babies in the 2 and a half years following their DSs birth.

I'm sure she doesn't regret it. We're very good friend and I only found out when she told me about it once when we were both drunk and sharing confidences. This was about 4 years ago and neither of us has ever mentioned it again. I'm almost certain no one else knows.

differentnameforthis · 13/05/2017 07:18

They are both adults, they will survive. The relationship may not though. And the child will suffer.

But I can't voice how strongly this pisses me off on the child's behalf. I spent all my childhood very aware that my mother did not want me, and that she didn't love me, and we haven't spoken since I left home over 25yrs ago. It was nothing she did, per say, but what she didn't do that made it blindingly obvious. She wanted a termination, my father talked her out of it.

I have spent my whole life trying to please to people, and hoping it would make them love/like me more. I am very insecure even with my own dh (married 24yrs) and used to "test" him to see how much he loved me. I still don't understand why people like me...

This is a nasty fate to put onto a child. How will they feel if their father doesn't love them?

No, the truth doesn't have to come out. I should know. Sometimes the truth is too hard to conceal. I should know Sad

If she hadn't done something about the situation she would have been too old to have children She could have left.

PoorYorick · 13/05/2017 07:25

If it's really someone else's marriage and not your own that you're writing about, you simply can't be sure that what you're saying is true. You may be right, but people generally show you what they want you to see. Your account of someone else's marriage just isn't reliable.

it would be unreliable enough if you were reading someone else's mind like so many people on here do, but you're talking about another couple's marriage. Again, you could be right, but you're not reliable. Only time will tell for sure.

If I'm honest, the husband sounds really dim. If he really did want children, but wanted to get married first, and still wasn't married when his partner is 40, then sorry but he either didn't really want children or is thick as a brick.

Goingtobeawesome · 13/05/2017 07:25

My mother did this. Dad left. Me in care. Abused all, through. Was shit. Is shit. Life long consequences for me. None for them. Well done.

Itsmekathy · 13/05/2017 07:31

I don't see how you can say your friend's partner is going to be a great dad. How on earth do you know the future?

aurynne · 13/05/2017 07:33

OP, if you don't see anything wrong with this, then you won't see anything wrong with cheating on your partner as long as they don't find out. Everyone happy, so what's not to like, aye?

She deceived her "D"P to get what she wanted. A child is going to be born as a result of that lie.

Personally I find it disgusting.

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 13/05/2017 07:34

Absolutely vile. This constitutes as sexual assault in much the same way a man slyly removing a condom during sex would be - they've not consented to unprotected sex. Yes, sometimes genuine accidents do happen, but that's not what's happened here is it? What's happened here is deceitful, and your "friend" is disgusting.
Right up there with men who poke holes in or remove condoms to get their partner pregnant without their knowledge or consent.

It's not all well that ends well at all. Your "friend" didn't keep this to herself, and neither have you. So it will come out in the end and he'll probably (rightly) leave. So yes, poor child.

Trifleorbust · 13/05/2017 07:36

I wonder how many posters are reading this and maintaining a guilty silence! It is indefensible behaviour. But we know people do it out of desperation.

TheNaze73 · 13/05/2017 07:37

Poor child. This won't end well

highinthesky · 13/05/2017 07:39

Your friend's DP seems to want things all ways.

At least this way your friend gets the baby, even if he buggers off in the end.

Batteriesallgone · 13/05/2017 07:40

It's a lie. It's wrong. If you respect someone you can't lie to them like that. And love without respect isn't worth having. Feel sorry for that child.

leighdinglady · 13/05/2017 07:42

This is akin to rape. He never would have consented to unprotected sex without being tricked. Imagine if a man did this to a women. Horrific behaviour

colonelgoldfish · 13/05/2017 07:43

Your friend's behaviour is appalling! This is wrong on so many levels.
Imagine a man asking if it was ok to trick a woman into having unprotected sex to produce a baby. I'm glad she's wracked with guilt - yuk!

leighdinglady · 13/05/2017 07:44

I also feel sorry for the child. It'll be hard to have such a selfish and deceitful mother. What else does she lie about to get her own way?

IllBeAtTheSpa · 13/05/2017 07:45

I'm another one with a story about how this doesn't work out for many couples
Close friends married and very happy. Shortly after the wedding was the wife's birthday-big both day and she threw a party in a venue- outside for a cig and she advises me that she wants a baby dh doesn't he wants her to finish her open uni degree and get a bigger hose (can be done in 1-2 years) less than a month later she is pregnant, she is betrayed and leaves her, supporting the child but not the wife.
He now has a new partner and more dc who were conceived with consent and is a great father to the first dc but my friend is depressed it didnt work out for her

IllBeAtTheSpa · 13/05/2017 07:46

*Get a bigger HOUSE
*He is betrayed
SO MANY TYPOS sorry

Tamatoa · 13/05/2017 07:46

I don't think I could be angry at her tbh. The boyfriend has set an impossible situation. No marriage, and no kids before marrying. I wonder if he just didn't want to make the decision, and hoped his gf would do this and take away his choice.

nollaig16 · 13/05/2017 07:48

It's incredibly selfish behaviour.

OhTheRoses · 13/05/2017 07:48

I don't really understand it. I had a boyfriend once, unstable background, vehemently anti marriage. Nice chap albeit a bit screwed up. Marriage was very important to me. Therefore I left him.