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Original poster

Anyone tricked their partner into having a baby?

261 replies

B42 · 13/05/2017 02:50

My friend is lovely, sweet, tough, strong willed.

Has been in a relationship for 4 years. Her dp loves her but as a result of a fucked up upbringing, won't marry her.

She doesn't care about marriage but at the age of 40, does care about the clock ticking with regards to kids.

He says he loves her to death. Doesn't want to be with anyone else, isn't looking. And wants children. But wants to be married first.

So catch 22.

She finally decided to take matters into her hands and stop taking the pill. Without his knowledge.
And is now pregnant. Has never been happier.

He is over the moon too.

But she is now feeling guilty that she "tricked" him.

Personally I think all's well that ends well.

What do you think?

OP posts:
mactavish · 13/05/2017 07:48

I think it is wrong of HIM to stay with someone for 4 years at her age and lead her along saying he wants children but do nothing about it. Possibly waste her last chance of becoming a parent which is the greatest gift life gives us.
Irresponsible of him. Why is it OK for men to lead their life selfishly but not for women?
Say she does the right thing, waits years, too late to conceive, relationship drifts apart when he finally bothers to think about having children for himself, he has kids with next girlfriend, everything he wants, her life fucked.
My DH says he realised I was older when he met me (35) and would never dream of messing me around and wasting my time for another 5 years just having fun. Finally a man with balls after all the others living out their eternal childhoods.
This is a very big problem nowadays. Lots of childish commitment phobic men ruining women's chances of having a family by staying with them for years and doing nothing. Then surprise surprise they split up, but it's OK because no kids life being ruined huh? Well what about her life? She's a person too.

Whatalready · 13/05/2017 07:48

I'm so sorry Differentnameforthis. Having an upbringing like that was unforgivable by your parents. I hope you have found love and given love in your married life. You too Goingtobeawesome. Have you had counseling to help work through what happened to you? You poor thing.Flowers Sending you both hugs. My mother was neglectful, hurtful and finally abandoned us but I had a diamond of a father.
Who the hell cares about the post? I don't see why it was raised actually.

sleepingdragons · 13/05/2017 07:49

It's done now.

It's totally pointless to dwell on.

She should let it go now and get on with building their future family.

There are some people with very blsck amd white thinking. I mean - saying stuff like this will not end well like some fucking soothsayer harbinger of doom.

The thing about human life is that it's messy, unpredictable and doesn't follow logic like a story in a book.

The OP didn't ask us should she do this - the deed is done, a child is on its way.

Although there is a risk that things could go tits up, equally it could be fine.

The OP's friend should concentrate on what's best for the unborn child now, and IMO that's not confessing! She needs to deal with her own guilt without involving her partner - let him enjoy being a dad without tainting at least, IMO.

sobeyondthehills · 13/05/2017 07:49

Also someone here with a friend who thinks he was tricked. Couldn't know for certain, but the doubt was enough for him to end the relationship with his now ex,

aurynne · 13/05/2017 07:51

"The boyfriend has set an impossible situation" --> No, he hasn't. He has set up the conditions for him to be in a relationship. She could always reject his conditions, leave him and find someone else/have IVF on her own/foster a child. She has options other than deceiving her partner to get what she wants.

LaLegue · 13/05/2017 07:51

I think getting pregnant 'accidentally on purpose' is something that many many many women do. It's not popular on MN to say it though and you won't get many women admitting it.

ChocIsNotSweet · 13/05/2017 07:52

Op you know an awful lot about your 'friend' and her dp Confused all in all this is sickening, poor baby, poor man, stupid, careless woman!

Floggingmolly · 13/05/2017 07:53

He won't marry her
He wants kids, but won't have them til they're married
That is not a man who wants kids. Second everybody else - poor kid.

MsJuniper · 13/05/2017 07:54

I do have sympathy as I can understand the fear of time running out. At 40, it's not as simple as leaving to find someone willing. For that reason and the fact that she'd be the one carrying the baby, I don't think it's exactly the same as a man getting a woman pg against her will. Saying that, of course it's wrong - which is why she's feeling bad about it.

I hope that if I had been in her position I would have been brave enough to sit him down and say, "these are the facts about maternal fertility; I'm now going to come off the pill. If you want to continue with contraception then we can use condoms but I'd like to be free of the hormones and ready to try as soon as you are." Then try a few romantic dinners around ovulation time. I'd also suggest getting a fertility check as medical advice would back up my position and might make him realise that it's not always possible to wait.

NotYoda · 13/05/2017 07:56

FGS

expatinscotland · 13/05/2017 07:57

Your 'friend'? Yeah, right.

CopperPaws · 13/05/2017 07:57

It's clearly you OP.

I hope you get the outcome you want and all is well.

0nline · 13/05/2017 08:00

Outcome is that they are both over the moon with live and happiness

They haven't had the baby yet. Let alone slogged through the early years, the school years, or the stroppy teen years.

They are nowhere near the outcome.

I only know 2 women who were happy to disclose that they had just deceived an unwilling husband into a baby the husband didn't want in their present circumstances. Neither of them are still married.

In those two cases I strongly suspect it wasn't the baby (although they weren't babies when it all fell apart) that were the cause of the splitting up. I think it was the underlying attitude of I want what I want and I will lie to you, manipulate you, present you with what you expressly said you didn't want, if that is how I can get what I want that played a significant role in the demise of the relationships.

If you'll pull that shit over a baby, you likely aren't going to think twice about lying and deceiving your partner so you get your own way in a whole host of lesser areas. Which over time doesn't bode well for trust, being on the same page and mutual respect levels. Over all it is a mindset and attitude that makes for a shaky foundation in a realtionship.

mactavish · 13/05/2017 08:01

All the posters accusing OP of being her friend sound really aggressive and cynical. I wonder why they feel the need to do it.

NotYoda · 13/05/2017 08:03

I don't understand !!

He doesn't want to get married but he wants to be married before he has a child?

That surely implies he doesn't want to marry/have a child with her...

Mulberry72 · 13/05/2017 08:10

Despicable behaviour on your friends part. I feel so sorry for the child, it's starting it's life as a lie engineered by its Mother to suit her own selfish needs.

This will not end well.

differentnameforthis · 13/05/2017 08:10

Whatalready Thank you, and Flowers for you too.

Radishal · 13/05/2017 08:10

"she knows his mind". Can you imagine the response if a man decided what a woman wanted from having sex. Not nice.
And the baby isn't born yet, if I read it right. He might be over the moon about impregnating her now it's happened but there's more to being a dad than impregnating someone.

April229 · 13/05/2017 08:12

He may be over the moon now, but what if he leaves in 18 months because it's not what he wants / is prepared for?

PollytheDolly · 13/05/2017 08:16

Does she sleep at night?

I couldn't.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 13/05/2017 08:21

You are only getting your friends versions of events, I can guarantee his story wouldn't tally with hers. I am horrified she would trap somebody with a lifetime commitment without his consent is pretty fucking disgusting.

Last time a thread like this was on MN, I was horrified by the responses, many went like this

" If he didn't want a child he could of worn a condom "
" he gave his sperm too her, she can do what she wants with it "

But this bunch of comments have restored my faith.

Northernparent68 · 13/05/2017 08:26

Mactavish, it is not selfish not to want children, and it is not unmasculine. Part of you call commitment phobia is a legitimate concern that if the relationship ends the father may not be allowed to see his children, and still have to pay for them

Collidascope · 13/05/2017 08:41

I have some sympathy for her. He's told her he wants children but she, unlike him, doesn't have the luxury of decades left in which to have them. Presumably if he'd told her at any point that he didn't want kids, she'd have been on her way?
I don't think what she did is right, by any stretch, and I do think that they ought to have been able to discuss that she believed time was running out and he needed to make a decision now. The fact that that discussion doesn't seem to have happened doesn't bode well.
I also think people saying there is no difference between what she did and a man removing or making a hole in the condom are completely wrong. She isn't forcing pregnancy on the man through her actions. He won't either have to have an abortion or spend 9 months growing another human and then giving birth to it.

Changedname3456 · 13/05/2017 08:42

So, OP, how is this different from poking holes in his condom, or fishing the condom out of the bin and syringing in the semen to get pregnant?

What this "friend" has done is morally the same. She's taken choice and agency away from her partner. How many other life-changing decisions will she decide to impose on him in the future, "for his own good?"

Frustrationstations · 13/05/2017 08:48

I don't understand why you posted if everyone is over the moon and you're defending her?
I understand the temptation but she has been manipulative and controlling.
I know women have done this for centuries but it's not nice.
I was coerced into pregnancy age 16 by my abusive older boyfriend. I suffered a horrific miscarriage all alone at home, nobody to support me through it and I hadn't told anyone I was pregnant so nobody believed I'd lost a baby. It was dreadful.
Remember the fuss when Liz Jones admitted to self administering sperm stolen from boyfriend's condom? She was vilified across the media and who wants to be tarred with same brush as La Jones????

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