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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me there's an innocent explanation for this...

999 replies

backscratcher · 11/05/2017 23:00

Talk me down please.

Been with dp almost 3 years. Lovely guy, good relationship, no doubts whatsoever about him. Both in our late 30s, live together, I have one child from previous relationship. We're happy.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday. Small party/family meal has been planned - details confirmed about 2 weeks ago. I discussed with dp who said he couldn't make it as he had to work overtime tomorrow and wouldn't be finished until late. Was unsure at what time exactly, but would be late. Overtime isn't uncommon in his workplace, but he doesn't tend to pick it up. We don't need the overtime money. Not well off, but not struggling - managing ok. I thought nothing of it.

Tonight he's gone upstairs for a bath and left his phone on charge in the kitchen. Phone buzzed with a message. It's an iphone where part of the message shows up on the homescreen but it's password protected and I don't know the password. Message said "6:30 suits me. XXXXXX does great french martinis!! ;-) Are you coming straight..." It was from David. I don't know a David. I don't know that he is friends with a David.
I googled the XXXXX place and it's a pub/restaurant place about a 40 minute drive away.

This was about an hour and a half ago.
He's in bed now and I'm sitting here shaking.

Please talk me down. This is innocent, right?

:-(

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 11/05/2017 23:50

Planning a surprise trip or proposal? Hmm yeah and my name's David.

He knows you won't be home. Sounds to me like he has a date planned and will be staying overnight. You can either call his bluff by saying you're not feeling too great and you can stay home with him, see his reaction or go to the bar or get someone to go for you.

ShakingAndShocked · 11/05/2017 23:50

OP Why do you think it's referring to tomorrow? As unless I'm missing something, there's nothing in that first part of text that indicates tomm?

If you genuinely think it is tho (given the combo of you out tomm, his out of character overtime tomm) then I would 1000% be rocking up there myself tomm at about 6.45.

And I do know men who chat about martinis but the honest truth is they are my gay friends so maybe it is a 'David' and he's bi? Or else it is that classic of storing a girls number under a blokes name. But TBH either scenario is looking pretty shit for you given irrespective of gender, cheating is cheatingFlowers

Keep your powder dry and find out for real tomm, if you ask and it IS something inappropriate then there is zero chance he will be honest with you I'm afraid.

sharkface7 · 11/05/2017 23:51

.

Primaryteach87 · 11/05/2017 23:51

Hope you're able to sleep OP. I would definitely check it out. It could be innocent but you won't be able to relax until you know for sure.

MrsJamesMathews · 11/05/2017 23:52

The problem is with asking him, is although you'll be able to tell from his reaction you won't want to believe it. And then forever more, you'll never know.

Mintychoc1 · 11/05/2017 23:52

She's being sarcastic about the French martinis OP

ijustwannadance · 11/05/2017 23:53

I knew it would be attached to a hotel. Thats why the meeting is there.

Ring up the premier in and say you need to cancel your reservation for DP's name.

JaxingJump · 11/05/2017 23:54

No matter what, he is lying to you. Even if it's just David, he's still a lying bastard.

MrsJamesMathews · 11/05/2017 23:54

oooh... clever wanna

WellErrr · 11/05/2017 23:56

Oh dear

OrlandoTheCat · 11/05/2017 23:56

The bit of the text that you quote doesn't even refer to tomorrow....how do you know it relates to tomorrow???

LoveForTulips · 11/05/2017 23:56

Ohhh wanna that's a good idea! 'Hi I'm just ringing about my reservation, I think it's in DP name... yeah we need to cancel, thanks'

Florene · 11/05/2017 23:58

You could ring the Premier Inn and see if they have a booking under your partner's name?

You would need another reason to be calling them as they won't just tell you guest information over the phone. So a reason to check something with the booking - like you can't remember if you booked to include breakfast.

unapaloma · 11/05/2017 23:58

No matter what, he is lying to you.
I don't think we know that at all - the message didn't say tomorrow, so could be some other day, and it could have slipped his mind to mention it. I worry some people on here enjoy the drama and are deliberately trying to make the OP feel worse :-(

ShakingAndShocked · 11/05/2017 23:59

Oh shit. Yes, 'French Martinis' could be their little private euphemism. Grim.

And YY to ringing that Premier Inn right now out of his earshot and asking if you can surprise him with a bottle of fizz in his room (as THAT is the only way they'll inadvertantly confirm his booking if he does have one, although chances of room being booked in own name and paid for by card not cash are pretty slim TBH, so even the above might not help you.

Crumbs1 · 12/05/2017 00:01

Could he be a closet gay? Sounds like a gay man's sort of conversation. I'd have to ask him.

ijustwannadance · 12/05/2017 00:02

Even if you pay cash when there, you still have to give card details when booking so they can still charge if you don't turn up.

Venusflytwat · 12/05/2017 00:02

Yes, I'd ring and query something about your reservation.
There is always the possibility that it will be in "David"'s name though.

I'd still be there at 6.45 with my camera even if the phone call didn't show anything up. If we've all misjudged him then you'll just be a few minutes late for your sister's thing but if not, it's one of the few cast iron evidence chances you'll get.

I'd also be inclined to take and hide his phone in the middle of the night. Hide it well, deny all knowledge in the morning. Don't let it run out of battery. See if anything else flashes up tomorrow.

JaxingJump · 12/05/2017 00:03

Unapoloma, that's true, I hadn't thought of it not being tomorrow.

I'm now reserving judgment but if it is tomorrow, then the lying is bad enough, sexual encounter or otherwise.

OP, I'm so sorry you have to go through this, it's going to be a long 24hrs. When I found my exs 'probably cheating' message on his phone I threw up and shook all night. It's utterly horrific so my thoughts are with you.

ohfourfoxache · 12/05/2017 00:03

Whatever happens, you need to find out for sure what is going on. You're not going to be able to rest until you do.

So the options are

  • ask him
  • follow him
  • ask a friend to follow him

I can't think that there are any others?

But no matter what, there nothing you can do for tonight.

You need your energy. Please try to get some rest tonight Thanks

Sienna9522 · 12/05/2017 00:05

I'd be ringing the premier inn right now if I was you. I wouldn't be able to sleep or act myself around him. I'd definitely be turning up tomorrow too! Always go with your gut.

noodleaddict · 12/05/2017 00:06

Sorry but all those saying 'just ask him and you can tell by his reaction' - no. Some people are very good at lying and deception and will make you feel like you're the crazy one. Especially cheats wanting to cover their tracks.

Trust your gut OP. I really hope it is innocent for your sake. However, if I was you I'd be trying to get evidence before voicing any suspicions.

Justaboy · 12/05/2017 00:07

Christ do any men drink French Martini's?.

What not ask him outright and then you'll have a much better idea try;

" by the way what was that on your phone it buzzed and said something about Martinis, didn't know you drunk that sort of thing.

Else phone him on the works landline phone if you can on some pretext or other.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/05/2017 00:08

If you want to know the truth you have no alternative but to show up at this pub. Even if you do ask and he 'explains' you know as well as I do that there will always be some niggling doubt.

Have you scoped out this place on Google Earth or checked the web for inside pics to see if it looks like a place where you could quietly take a sneaky peek inside then leave if all seems OK?

If you can, I think I'd take someone with me.

BluePheasant · 12/05/2017 00:11

So sorry this is happening to you OP.

I think it's too much of a coincidence that you are out tomorrow night and staying over and the message suggests he has a night out planned too.

Definitely ring the hotel to see if you can confirm there is a booking in his name before you drive there.
Have you got anyone you could confide in and take with you for support?