Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me there's an innocent explanation for this...

999 replies

backscratcher · 11/05/2017 23:00

Talk me down please.

Been with dp almost 3 years. Lovely guy, good relationship, no doubts whatsoever about him. Both in our late 30s, live together, I have one child from previous relationship. We're happy.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday. Small party/family meal has been planned - details confirmed about 2 weeks ago. I discussed with dp who said he couldn't make it as he had to work overtime tomorrow and wouldn't be finished until late. Was unsure at what time exactly, but would be late. Overtime isn't uncommon in his workplace, but he doesn't tend to pick it up. We don't need the overtime money. Not well off, but not struggling - managing ok. I thought nothing of it.

Tonight he's gone upstairs for a bath and left his phone on charge in the kitchen. Phone buzzed with a message. It's an iphone where part of the message shows up on the homescreen but it's password protected and I don't know the password. Message said "6:30 suits me. XXXXXX does great french martinis!! ;-) Are you coming straight..." It was from David. I don't know a David. I don't know that he is friends with a David.
I googled the XXXXX place and it's a pub/restaurant place about a 40 minute drive away.

This was about an hour and a half ago.
He's in bed now and I'm sitting here shaking.

Please talk me down. This is innocent, right?

:-(

OP posts:
onmybroomstick · 13/05/2017 07:38

I'm so sorry op. What a true Cunt he is

SnapCrackleOutOfIt · 13/05/2017 07:44

Hi OP I've just read the thread.

This is all so sad. You're really strong.

Agree with PPs get someone to help you today

Nocabbageinmyeye · 13/05/2017 07:45

I hope your ok this morning op Flowers

MargotMoon · 13/05/2017 07:47

Hi OP, just another message from someone who has been there to say I'm sorry this has happened to you. Your head must be in bits today and clearly that lying twat knows he's been rumbled and will probably not surface for a while.

Hope you can get some support from your sister today, it really sounds like you need a RL shoulder to cry on/plot revenge with.

Expecting2017 · 13/05/2017 07:54

Woke up today to check on you OP. he truly is a number 1 dick head and a coward!! You sound better off rid if I am honest, as hard as we both know that will feel atm. Start putting things into place that you need to and hug your daughter so tight today. She's your number 1 and will never leave you. Big hugs from me to you this morning x

surprise · 13/05/2017 07:55

So sorry to hear that OP.
Flowers

Mix56 · 13/05/2017 07:58

There are 2 scenarios when he comes back to collect his stuff,

  1. He will be sorry, ask for forgiveness, say he will make it up to you, its the 1st time, nothing happened, you haven't been attentive enough, he doesn't get enough sex, flowers & promises of devotion.
  2. He will deny it, & say it's your fault he stayed "on a mates sofa" after the texts, because you are controlling, tell you you are crazy...David was a joke, so much so, he can't even remember the text.

I would say, I don't want to hear it. "it's over" & close the door in his face (make sure you get your key back.) if he says he has nowhere to go, & he will stay on the sofa until he finds accommodation. Just Laugh, close & the door in his face.
& sorry, Get an STI check

whattheactualfudge · 13/05/2017 08:01

So sorry OP. Also been there with daughter's so-called father :(

Any joint accounts? If so, clear it out or at least take what you need. (Personally I'd be clearing it out!) Anything that you need to protect - do so now.

Are you on talking terms with any of his family? If so, just a tip - Tell them about this yourself. Because if he's anything like my ex, he will tell a completely different story to make you out as the bad guy and oh poor him! Of course that's only if you care what his family think of you.

Sending you strength x

Writerwannabe83 · 13/05/2017 08:05

Hi OP,

What a rough 48 hours you've had Flowers

I've been there too - the bullshit I was fed by my cheating ex was pretty staggering but for some reason I always swallowed it. I did t want to believe he could do that to me. You've already proven yourself to be a very strong woman.....I let the lies and cheating go on for well over a year before I finally accepted what was going on and ended it.

I'm really sorry you've had to go through this, it's utterly heartbreaking and shit. I hope you find lots of love and support from your family and just be kind to yourself Flowers

Thebluedog · 13/05/2017 08:05

You've been amazingly strong OP, keep it going Flowers

whattheactualfudge · 13/05/2017 08:06

Rescue Not everyone has a Dad. For future reference, it may not be the best idea to suggest people 'get their Dad round'

My Dad died when I was 26. When I was going through what OP is and someone suggested I get my Dad round, I think it would finish me off......

Not being funny, just making you aware of how it could be taken x

PollytheDolly · 13/05/2017 08:06

Just checking in and I'm so disappointed for you OP.

Stay strong and also would like another thread so support can continue for you through this.

Arse! My DH has issues due to this happening to him in the past. I would never cheat and he knows that but I do understand your feelings on this therefore your DP did too, thus with his behaviour toward you in the last 24 hours, he deserves everything he gets.

laurzj82 · 13/05/2017 08:06

Stay strong OP. Flowers

Hope you have managed to get some rest. Make sure you tell someone in RL this morning

Venusflytwat · 13/05/2017 08:09

I'm so sorry love.

Make today about you. What ducks can you get in order today?

Tell your family and friends. Get support around you. Is your daughter at her Dad's all weekend? If so give yourself some time to have a massive cry/ scream.

If he does get in contact, don't feel you need to answer. Do things on your terms.

BeyondThePage · 13/05/2017 08:12

I would make sure you have your support network in place, get an appointment for an STI check, get financial ducks in a row and disengage from him - his behaviour is not normal, not loving, not part of a relationship where you want to have children with him!

"I know about her" is a good opening sentence, followed by silence and raised eyebrows.

Msqueen33 · 13/05/2017 08:16

What a piece of trash! I'm so sorry back. You're being amazing but it must be very hard. You and your daughter deserve so much better than him. Look after yourself and please tell someone close to you so they can be there for you.

Ktown · 13/05/2017 08:16

Just be grateful you didn't marry him or get pregnant
A lucky escape!

MusicIsMedicine · 13/05/2017 08:18

So sorry for you. Sending hugs.

Indaba · 13/05/2017 08:20

Poor OP. It may be all a genuine mistake. I have my fingers crossed for you. If you really want to find out either you or friend has to go to venue I think. Hotels are pretty careful about releasing information. Do not want to get caught up in situations like this and most likely a different name will have been given anyway. I would only trust one friend to talk to if you must. If it does turn out to be innocent and he finds out you have been telling your family and friends your fears it may cause problems. Try to restrict sharing until you are sure. Big hug across the airwaves.

Mustang27 · 13/05/2017 08:23

I just wish you had gone to the pub so you could see him and punch him in his fecking cheating face!!! I'm so sorry this has happened to you again. Please don't take this one back though it won't help by repeating history.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 13/05/2017 08:24

YY to RL support suggestions.^^

Also, if you haven't before, read The Script (on here somewhere -
hopefully somebody can link) and ChumpLady.com - I'm with PPs' predictions that he's going to try to brazen it out.

Just remember that you were very clear about what you were not willing to accept.

Remember what you saw (the text, the aftershave, the Facebook, the gaslighting).

It's not even about whether last night he was shagging anybody - now it's about being lied to and gaslight and Now-Ex unilaterally changing the terms of your relationship (thanks, ChumpLady) - you didn't sign up to be mentally abused, lied to, called crazy, so you're not taking it. You get a vote, and you voted with black bags. Well done you. Flowers

Battytwatty · 13/05/2017 08:25

Indaba have you read the whole thread??

SparklingRaspberry · 13/05/2017 08:25

Thinking of you OP Flowers

legoqueen · 13/05/2017 08:27

Stay strong, remember you have the moral high ground. Sending unMumsnetty hugs & hoping you have some good RL support Flowers

Dodie66 · 13/05/2017 08:28

OP be aware that you might need to start a newe thread soon because you have nearly reached the 1000 messages allowed on a thread. Put a link to the new thread in this one. Sorry you are going through all this. Thinking of you. Be strong. X