Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me there's an innocent explanation for this...

999 replies

backscratcher · 11/05/2017 23:00

Talk me down please.

Been with dp almost 3 years. Lovely guy, good relationship, no doubts whatsoever about him. Both in our late 30s, live together, I have one child from previous relationship. We're happy.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday. Small party/family meal has been planned - details confirmed about 2 weeks ago. I discussed with dp who said he couldn't make it as he had to work overtime tomorrow and wouldn't be finished until late. Was unsure at what time exactly, but would be late. Overtime isn't uncommon in his workplace, but he doesn't tend to pick it up. We don't need the overtime money. Not well off, but not struggling - managing ok. I thought nothing of it.

Tonight he's gone upstairs for a bath and left his phone on charge in the kitchen. Phone buzzed with a message. It's an iphone where part of the message shows up on the homescreen but it's password protected and I don't know the password. Message said "6:30 suits me. XXXXXX does great french martinis!! ;-) Are you coming straight..." It was from David. I don't know a David. I don't know that he is friends with a David.
I googled the XXXXX place and it's a pub/restaurant place about a 40 minute drive away.

This was about an hour and a half ago.
He's in bed now and I'm sitting here shaking.

Please talk me down. This is innocent, right?

:-(

OP posts:
MrsJamesMathews · 12/05/2017 23:21

OP I'm so sorry for you.

I think you handled this brilliantly. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it. But you got the answers you needed.

PerpendicularVincent · 12/05/2017 23:27

He can't even be bothered to think of a decent excuse. You don't need this stress in your life.

BelligerentGardenPixies · 12/05/2017 23:29

Riiiiiight.NOW he has to stay out all night because you have questioned his shining honour and bruised his tender heart.

What a shit bag. Not only had he planned to do the dirty on you in advance, now he's been rumbled, has he changed his plans at all? Has he fuck.

Still going to get his date with his side chick in and then home to gaslight the fuck out of you tomorrow - bit more work than he had anticipated (which is why he's seen his arse) but he's clearly willing to put the work in to be an utterly disgusting pile of dick cheese. Bin him whilst it's still relatively easy to do so, you won't regret it in the long run sweetie.

Nanna50 · 12/05/2017 23:32

With hindsight can you see any time that he could have been meeting this person?

Zoflorabore · 12/05/2017 23:35

Is he trying to get home do you think op? I echo pp if he was innocent and you accused him of cheating he would be straight back to sort things out.
Where has he charged his phone by the way?
Hotel has probably been booked in "David's" name.

Hope you are ok

PrimalChic · 12/05/2017 23:35

If your partner thinks you're cheating and you're mid-explanation when your phone runs out of battery, you borrow your mate's phone to call her back.

So sorry OP Flowers

UnicornSparkles1 · 12/05/2017 23:36

He knew where you were tonight. If his phone had really died right when you accused him of cheating surely he would have rushed across town to find you and reassure you. Not vanish for fucking hours and then paint you as the unreasonable one. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.

Iamdobby63 · 12/05/2017 23:36

His behaviour is all classic cheating man I'm afraid. From him picking a fight before going to meet 'David' to his phone running out of charge and now him turning this around on you. Him saying there is no reason to come home is meant to scare you and get you to back down.

Unfortunately he has now had plenty of time to clean up his phone and hide all evidence.

BluePheasant · 12/05/2017 23:41

Yep, gaslighting you now. 100%. That text wasn't your imagination. He is desperately trying to wriggle out of this, by text ffs. What a cowardly prick.

You saw the text about meeting at 6.30pm.
His aftershave is gone.
He wasn't on the shift he said he would be.
Phone dies when you confront him [hmmhe only tells you plans have changed when he realised he's been found out.
Funny enough this is all happening on a night he's known for a while you would be away for the night .

Does he think you were born yesterday? Dickhead.

So sorry OP Flowers

buckeejit · 12/05/2017 23:42

So sorry OP-what a cowardly dickhead. Why the fuck do adulterers not realise that if and when they are caught out, the lying makes it so much worse for everyone. Grrrrrrr.

Hope you're coping tonight-try to tell someone close asap & don't take any shit from him-ask to see his phone immediately when you next see him face to face. ring him first so he can't pretend he hasn't got it - if he has nothing to hide-check messages, WhatsApp, Facebook, internet history etc-the only reason something is missing is if there's something to hide.

Look after yourself

TheHobbitMum · 12/05/2017 23:46

Sorry OP I was hoping it wasn't as suspicious as it looked. He's a lying, cheating piece of crap who can't even be honest with you! How dare he try gaslight you! Throw his stuff into the doorstep and look to the future without him, keep strong

Tweezerz · 12/05/2017 23:47

His phone didn't run out of charge, that's far too convenient. Also what are the chances of him blowing off the one shift you are suspicious about even existing in the first place?

Here comes the flurry of lies....

Tell him to come home and check his phone. See if the text from David is still there. I bet he's deleted it "accidentally". Call David.

Nanna50 · 12/05/2017 23:48

OP you've probably already thought of this but if he binned his shift unplanned then how is he going to explain what he is wearing to go out with his mates? Is he likely to go out and stay out in his work clothes? He would still have had to come home to wash and changed if it was unplanned, so he took more than his aftershave Sad

innagazing · 12/05/2017 23:50

The thing is, I expect he's had quite a lot to drink and can't get back unless he drink drives, so is quite stuck at the hotel whether he wants to be or not.
I'd revert to plan B and drive to the hotel early in the morning to see if his car is in the car park. I might then go and have breakfast and wait for them to enter the dining room wait in the reception area.

MilesHuntsWig · 12/05/2017 23:52

All sounds very stressful. Really hoping for an innocent explanation for you, but does look odd.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/05/2017 23:52

Why the fuck do adulterers not realise that if and when they are caught out, the lying makes it so much worse for everyone.

I dont understand this either.

Lets face it, if they were so good at lying then they wouldnt have been found out so once they have why continue to lie? If they accept that its a fair cop then it wont change the outcome but at least it would make any subsequent break up a lot easier to deal with.

But they continue in the self delusion that they can continue having their cake and eating it if only that pesky wife/DP would accept the bag of bullshit being thrown their way.

innagazing · 12/05/2017 23:52

Actually, I think that was Plan A.
Stay strong OP- you've held this together fantastically even though it's an awful situation.

April229 · 12/05/2017 23:53

I'm really sorry it's turned out this way OP, anyone innocent would have borrowed a mates phone - anyone's phone to ring you and ask what you are talking about? Asking you to go through everything, the text message etc, driving back immediately to talk to you. To text over a picture of all the mates he's drinking with!

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/05/2017 23:55

Miles

Things have moved on somewhat. RTT

user1471456357 · 12/05/2017 23:59

It couldn't have been a message sent to the wrong number, it wouldn't have appeared as a name, it would have come through as just a number, the phone didn't cleverly assign a name.

Arealhumanbeing · 12/05/2017 23:59

OP. It doesn't sound to me like you will. But please don't go and sit in the breakfast room at the hotel or cut his clothes up etc etc.

What shit movie do some posters live in?!

He will take any opportunity to call you "crazy" at this point.

UnicornSparkles1 · 13/05/2017 00:02
  1. Text that you saw with your own eyes
  2. Aftershave vanishes
  3. Lies about being at work
  4. Ignores your calls and texts all day, but suddenly responds when you threaten to call work
  5. Cancels overtime because you won't be staying out overnight anymore
  6. Cancels overtime again because you question his honour
  7. Phone dies just as you accuse him of cheating
  8. Vanishes for hours and doesn't think to borrow one of his friends' phones. Or just to come and see you at home/your sister's meal
  9. Goes out drinking straight from work, in his work clothes?
10. Denies the original text exists

What a lying little shit. I am so very sorry.

VeuveVera · 13/05/2017 00:03

It could have been a text from mate Dave winding him up or supposed to be for Dave's girlfriend.
But he's blown that cover story now by not acknowledging the text

BitOutOfPractice · 13/05/2017 00:04

Hope you're ok op Flowers

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/05/2017 00:05

I agree with areal

Apart from anything else, cutting up his clothes leaves the OP open to a charge of criminal damage.

She has all the proof she needs, not least because he cant lie worth a damn!

I would hope that she continues as she has, in a classy, aloof and distant way. Formal emails rather than angry texts and an icy exterior if she ever has to see or speak to him.

I suspect that the OP will come out of this a lot better than him both morally and emotionally. Fucking idiot had it all with her and he threw it away......