Tell me there's an innocent explanation for this...

[backscratcher]

Talk me down please.

Been with dp almost 3 years. Lovely guy, good relationship, no doubts whatsoever about him. Both in our late 30s, live together, I have one child from previous relationship. We're happy.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday. Small party/family meal has been planned - details confirmed about 2 weeks ago. I discussed with dp who said he couldn't make it as he had to work overtime tomorrow and wouldn't be finished until late. Was unsure at what time exactly, but would be late. Overtime isn't uncommon in his workplace, but he doesn't tend to pick it up. We don't need the overtime money. Not well off, but not struggling - managing ok. I thought nothing of it.

Tonight he's gone upstairs for a bath and left his phone on charge in the kitchen. Phone buzzed with a message. It's an iphone where part of the message shows up on the homescreen but it's password protected and I don't know the password. Message said "6:30 suits me. XXXXXX does great french martinis!! ;-) Are you coming straight..." It was from David. I don't know a David. I don't know that he is friends with a David.
I googled the XXXXX place and it's a pub/restaurant place about a 40 minute drive away.

This was about an hour and a half ago.
He's in bed now and I'm sitting here shaking.

Please talk me down. This is innocent, right?

:-(

Yes and don't cave OP...do not turn it on but also, don't be surprised if he comes running home and banging on the door.

Hope you manage to get some sleep

Please speak to someone in real life about this tomorrow so you're not alone with all these thoughts. The fact that you went to work today and your sister's birthday dinner, all while knowing all of this, means you're tough as hell. Also good thinking leaving the keys in the doors.

So sorry OP

I know how utterly shit this situation is and how desperate and furious you're probably feeling.

I don't have much advice to offer as I don't know your circumstances, but I would expect there will be plenty of entries for the number on his phone bill if this has been going on for any length of time.
If you have access to his online billing you'll be able to see it in see the call log, or you could ask him outright for access if you speak face to face and he continues to deny.

You sound incredibly strong and intelligent and collected and he's a silly, selfish individual who has screwed up royally. You and your DD are worth so much more.

I'm so so sorry he has done this OP. How devastating and cruel. I really feel for you.

So very sorry OP
p

Thank your lucky stars that you didn't get pregnant with this creep. As much as it hurts emotionally, you are able to make a complete break from him.

I'd guess he and this woman have private FB messages. Far easier for a frequent FB user to deactivate than delete.

A couple of years ago I got a message from an old friend's husband trying to chat me up. I was annoyed and told him so and he apologised. I told him how hurt his wife would be if she knew what he was doing and his stupid reply was that she didn't know his passwords! He deactivated his FB profile shortly afterwards and it didn't come as a big surprise to hear he and his wife are now separated.

Well done

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. It won't be a comfort right now however I think further down the line you will look back and be glad you didn't get pregnant by him and didn't get married to him. I'm very glad you're at least not trapped.

He doesn't even have it in him to lie well which I guess suggests it's not been going on for long? Not that it matters.

You're well rid of him but I feel so awful for you xx

So very sorry OP.

This is shit and he's a monumental shithead.

OP I'm glad you've clocked that you've been running on adrenaline for past 24hrs as that is a great indicator of your self care - self care that you are going to need as this is epic cunting wounding of the highest order, ESP since the shitwipe knew what you had previously been through.

Would also add though, that however you did it, you did manage to stay detached enough last night; go to work today; go to DSis's do. These things scream of strength and dignity, both of which you are going to need to call on pretty soon when the gaslighting/lies/minimising/script starts (which it almost certainly will )

Am SO angry on your behalf but look for the positives here - you're clearly a sassy woman, you're still really young, you don't need to go through the horrors of a divorce process as not married, and you don't share a child (& thank God you didn't get pregnant too, though do please get an STI check given you've obviously been having unprotected sex and you can't know whether he put anything on the end of it with 'Dave' and/or the other possible ones out there).

You will get through this but truly, what a total cunt not just for his actions but in also setting your ability to trust anyone back to square one again. Hugs OP, I'm so so sorry this has been done to you

Oh sweetheart, I'm so so sorry.

What.A.Cunt.

Jesus what a rollercoaster, I'm so sorry OP x

I'm so very sorry for you op. Please tell family & friends asap so they can support you through this. As for him he's a big fat cock

I hope you manage to get some sleep op! Be prepared for all the gas lighting and denials in the morning!
Why is it always the same excuses? My ex always made me feel like I was crazy! I caught him out by turning up at the hotel and watching him walk in with the ow. His face was a picture, couldn't deny it or make me out to be nuts, he was supposed to be working turned out he'd booked holidays

Hope you manage to get some sleep!

You know the MN nest is here, but find someone in RL to talk to. It'll make a world of difference in how you cope with this.

I'm so sorry. It's such shit. Especially when you've already 'been there, done that'. Don't beat yourself up, please. Men like him are very manipulative. They're pros at deception, we aren't.

I hope you sleep well. And that tomorrow you can take a deep breath and walk tall.

I'm trying not to think too much about who she is at the moment

I suspect its someone on his FB page and thats why he deactivated it.

Im sorry this has happened to you.

Oh backscratcher stay strong, hopefully you'll see this in the morning after a good night's sleep. Look after yourself

great post shaking

OP be kind to yourself - you have been so strong, it will be hard but his "you're crazy" reaction just shows how little he respects you. Well done for putting his stuff out the door!

So sorry this has turned out like this for you op. Hugs

Whether you feel it or not you're being incredibly strong.
I'm so sorry.
Hope you've got some sleep

Hi OP

I am so sorry you are going through this (((hugs))).

I saw your post that you said you would not stay with him if he's a cheat. And you said you have a joint bank account. If I were you I would take out of the account any money belonging to you. So if he is out of your life, you have money for you and your daughter. Get your paperwork concerning your home, etc all in order. At least copied.

Do it all now before he returns. If he has been so deceitful, you can no longer trust him and you don't know what he could do. He could empty your bank account, etc.

Sadly you've been through this before, so you know what you need to do.

I see you from your posts you are a strong character. But yes, like the posters have mentioned, you need someone in the flesh. If not for anything other than a hug right now.

Don't let him back in, if he has cheated. Pack his stuff and put it in a safe place outside. I think you said you have tennacy? So he can't come in if you don't want him to, right?

Just do what is right for you and your daughter. And please, take care of yourself!

What a scumbag. You sound like a kick-arse to me op and far better than he deserves

I've turned my phone on - no voicemails, no texts from him. His Facebook is still deactivated. He hasn't attempted to get in here tonight.
I guess that's that then.
The cowardly bastard.