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Original poster

AIBU to expect a proposal by now?

320 replies

DarwinChrist · 11/05/2017 15:22

DP and I have been together for coming up 6 years. We've lived together for 5 and have a DS who's 3.
I've been waiting and wondering if I'll ever get married. In the first year of our relationship he mentioned a few times that he wants to be married to me and have a big wedding etc. He talks about it now and again. But alas... I have no engagement ring.
He earns a good wage, we're very fortunate and living quite comfortably. He has said that he wants to save up a bit so that when we do get engaged we can start planning straight away.
I've repeatedly told him I don't want an expensive ring (I don't wear jewellery and have more of a simple taste anyway) and I've also said that I don't need a huge extravagant wedding.

What's bugging me lately is that he keeps saving up... and then buying something expensive for himself.
I know how ridiculous that sounds, because it's his money. But the first time he spent £4k on a car that he doesn't need, he gets a company car which he can use for personal use. He bought it so he would have 'something to tinker with on the weekends'.
Then he started saving again, and went on a lads weekend to Ireland.
Now he's saving so he can invest in his best friends nee business.

He has always given me the impression that we'll be getting married.

But when I have brought it up before his excuse is that he's saving for a ring.

I just needed a rant. Feeling a bit fed up.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 12/05/2017 21:36

I've just sat and read the entire thread.

He's got you exactly where he wants you OP - completely reliant on him and isolated. This really, really isn't what a normal, happy and healthy relationship looks like.

I don't even know why you'd want to marry such a controlling and selfish man.

Good luck with your talk tonight....I'm sure he'll say all the right things. I hope you get the outcome you want but definitely work on protecting yourself because you sure as well can't rely on this man.

cestlavielife · 12/05/2017 22:19

Crude calculation... If he brings home 5000 and has to give 15 per cent for the child That s 750 a month..op is better off then as she currently gets 200 from him for her and child and family food

MissShittyBennet · 13/05/2017 18:31

Have you spoken to him yet OP? Hope you are ok.

hollyisalovelyname · 13/05/2017 21:26

I think he's stringing you along.
Sorry OP.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 14/05/2017 07:52

Hope you are ok OP x

ElspethFlashman · 14/05/2017 08:59

I have a feeling it didnt go too well......

Original poster
DarwinChrist · 14/05/2017 10:37

Thanks everyone.

Update - long story short I told him he either needs to put my name on the mortgage, get life insurance and sort out a will, or we need to get married.
He said he'd sort his life insurance out asap.

Then last night I asked him if he was even planning on sorting life insurance out because he has a really bad habit of not following through with anything. He said he would and I said ok so I guess we aren't getting married?
He seemed shocked when I said that he's prioritising so much more over getting married like buying cars or going out with his mates. I told him that if he really in his heart wanted to marry me, to be able to call me his wife, then he would have made it happen a long time ago. Whatever the budget, whatever the circumstances.

His response to that was "I'm really hurt that you don't believe me when I say I want to marry you. You should beleive me because I really do, but I want it to be perfect. Plus, it's only been 6 years."

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 14/05/2017 10:41
Sad

I'm sorry OP.

Kennethnoisewater · 14/05/2017 10:45

Ouch, he's not really planning on doing anything is he? You can be strung along for another 6 years or you can do something about it, like take control of your own life rather than giving him all the power over how you live it.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 14/05/2017 10:46

Sorry op I think his response tells you everything you need to know. Stay strong x

Rioja123 · 14/05/2017 10:49

He's not going to marry you. What are you going to do now?

harlequinblue · 14/05/2017 10:50

Nul points.

But now you have your answer you can make plans for you.

Orlandointhewilderness · 14/05/2017 10:52

He is never going to marry you. Marriage isn't perfect, to want it to be perfect is unrealistic and completely missing the point. And possibly a good excuse.

ClaudiaNaughton · 14/05/2017 10:52

As he says he does want to marry you why don't you book a date at register office yourself and let him know.
he seemed shocked I bet, now he knows you're getting wise.

ElspethFlashman · 14/05/2017 10:55

Notice he swerved "putting my name on the mortgage" too. Sad

Life insurance is crap cos if the two of you break up and he shacks up with someone else, he can just change your name to hers on the policy.

Same as with his will.

MissShittyBennet · 14/05/2017 11:01

He's shown you who he really is.

Honestly though, the fact that he hasn't even sorted life insurance would be the biggest deal breaker. You can do that online, no trouble. It would have been the work of a few minutes. If he has a fatal car crash or a heart attack or whatever later today, you and your child will be fucked because he didn't bother.

Are you going to look for work?

RebelRogue · 14/05/2017 11:01

On another thread you are a single parent of a 5 yo worrying about JSA. Make up your mind.

MissShittyBennet · 14/05/2017 11:03

He can change a life insurance policy Elspeth of course, but while they are still together it would have been a start and something that could be done at the weekend. I am not saying it's the answer to all their issues but it's something he needed to do as an absolute minimum. And that's not just unmarried sole breadwinners either, DH and I both have it and we're married and work.

Flatpackback · 14/05/2017 11:04

I don't understand all this proposal nonsense. If you've lived together for many years and have a child you need to have a straight conversation about it. Tell him you want to be married and fix a date. If you aren't bothered about the "do" or rings, do a registery office with 2 witnessss. A friend did this, they had visitors for the weekend and told them on the morning that they were getting wed and they were to be the witnesses. No fuss, no bother. If you want the DO fix a date and start planning. Do you have any say in financial matters, access to savings? If not, you may want to think about whether that is a healthy arrangement.

user1493022461 · 14/05/2017 11:04

People here really don't know how mortgages work! She couldn't possibly be on the mortgage if she isn't earning and contributing to the mortgage. No bank would put her on the mortgage as she would have no way of paying the mortgage, and if he defaulted, she would be liable.
You can't just be on the mortgage without contributing, and when you have no means to pay a mortgage.

ElspethFlashman · 14/05/2017 11:05

Yeah I know, I just don't want OP to think even if he does the life insurance that its all tickety boo, you know?

Flatpackback · 14/05/2017 11:09

Crossed post, I hadn't seen your update. Time to move on.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 14/05/2017 11:13

@RebelRogue yes, the other thread is allegedly an in theory one, but with the amount of made up posts lately it's hard to know what's true or not!

Emboo19 · 14/05/2017 11:13

Sorry it didn't go well Op. Did you explain how vulnerable you're feeling and how he's putting both you and his child in a very difficult position if something were to happened to him?

Did you mention returning to work? And that you'd not be able to home school? If so what was his response?

If he's saying he wants to marry you but the times not right. How about he sets up a savings account in your name only, he puts in a sutible figure to cover a deposit on rented accommodation and enough to cover a few months rent. At least you'd have something to fall back on if something happened to him or the relationship fails.

Then he ups the amount you get each month, at least double. You can use some of this to add to your savings.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 14/05/2017 11:16

Everything is in his financial interest and offers you no long term security despite raising his child. I would give him the choice. Get the house put in joint names or get married at the local registry office this autumn. No rings. Pub meal after.