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Original poster

AIBU to expect a proposal by now?

320 replies

DarwinChrist · 11/05/2017 15:22

DP and I have been together for coming up 6 years. We've lived together for 5 and have a DS who's 3.
I've been waiting and wondering if I'll ever get married. In the first year of our relationship he mentioned a few times that he wants to be married to me and have a big wedding etc. He talks about it now and again. But alas... I have no engagement ring.
He earns a good wage, we're very fortunate and living quite comfortably. He has said that he wants to save up a bit so that when we do get engaged we can start planning straight away.
I've repeatedly told him I don't want an expensive ring (I don't wear jewellery and have more of a simple taste anyway) and I've also said that I don't need a huge extravagant wedding.

What's bugging me lately is that he keeps saving up... and then buying something expensive for himself.
I know how ridiculous that sounds, because it's his money. But the first time he spent £4k on a car that he doesn't need, he gets a company car which he can use for personal use. He bought it so he would have 'something to tinker with on the weekends'.
Then he started saving again, and went on a lads weekend to Ireland.
Now he's saving so he can invest in his best friends nee business.

He has always given me the impression that we'll be getting married.

But when I have brought it up before his excuse is that he's saving for a ring.

I just needed a rant. Feeling a bit fed up.

OP posts:
littleshitebing · 11/05/2017 15:52

it's amazing how these old fashioned men, don't mind living together, having babies outside of wedlock.

Speak to him, say you're not happy not being married and particularly as you have children together and you are in quite a vulnerable position legally. Do you owe a house together? Are you on the deeds etc?

Userboozer59 · 11/05/2017 15:52

Yep. He is bullshitting you to keep you interested. If he wanted to her married he would have asked. He obviously doesn't and I am sure like a lot of men he will need cajoling a bit on this so you have to talk to him about how important it is to you. He is probably happy with his lot. Having a baby with him before you get married probably didn't help your cause either.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 11/05/2017 15:53

Without meaning to be unkind (and I have been in a similar situation to you so totally sympathise), I think if he really wanted to marry you he'd have asked by now? Again not meaning to be unkind but sounds like he has his cake and is eating it so to speak. You won't know for sure until you talk to him as others have suggested.

ScarlettFreestone · 11/05/2017 15:53

Make an appointment at a solicitors for you both to go and write wills asap.

Justmuddlingalong · 11/05/2017 15:53

You have 4 options,
1 Wait for him to propose,
2 You propose,
3 Carry on dropping hints,
4 TALK TO HIM!

ScarlettFreestone · 11/05/2017 15:55

It's madness to be an unmarried SAHM without a will.

If he died tomorrow you could be in dire straits.

These are your options:

Get married or
Get a job

You have to protect yourself and your child.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 11/05/2017 15:57

I don't really see why you can't propose. I proposed 30 years ago, in fact I proposed twice because he turned me down the first time. He was a bit shocked, but he came around to it.

Original poster
DarwinChrist · 11/05/2017 15:58

We did buy a house but everything is in his name. I didn't really take notice at first assuming my credit rating isn't very good and his is excellent, we got a better deal on the mortgage apparently.
He has full control over the finances.

That's not really what I'm thinking about though. I'm being told (by him) that he can't wait to marry me and for us all the share the same surname etc, but he's not doing anything about it. And I know he wouldn't want to be proposed to.

Just to point out - we didn't plan DS. I had the implant and wasn't due to take it out for a year but I got pregnant.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 11/05/2017 15:59

Option 5, walk away.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 11/05/2017 16:00

Darwin he's not that old fashioned, is he, or he wouldn't be living in sin, with a child out of wedlock, would he? Wink

GladAllOver · 11/05/2017 16:01

Make an appointment at a solicitors for you both to go and write wills asap
Wills are a very poor substitute for marriage.

A will can be torn up at any time, with no commitment to the partner who had been protected by it.

A registry office wedding need cost no more than a pair of wills and gives proper legal protection for both partners.
There is no valid reason for avoiding a wedding other than one partner does not want to be married.

ScarlettFreestone · 11/05/2017 16:03

Darwin

If he died tomorrow, you could lose your home.

You are in an incredibly vulnerable situation. You are putting your child in a vulnerable situation.

You are a grown up - you need to deal with this.

ScarlettFreestone · 11/05/2017 16:04

Glad I wasn't suggesting a will as a substitute, but as a first step.

robinia · 11/05/2017 16:05

Tell him you need to get married or you will have to go back to work ft. You are too vulnerable in the current set up.

Original poster
DarwinChrist · 11/05/2017 16:05

So what if he won't get married? Then what do I do? It's not a dealbraker (although I don't know how I'd feel about being strung along for 6 years) but how would I protect myself financially?

OP posts:
UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 11/05/2017 16:06

@GladAllOver completely agree with you.

It's what people do rather than what they say - he may say he wants to marry you @DarwinChrist but his actions e.g. Spending the savings on cars and holidays suggests otherwise. Weddings don't need to be expensive, it's what people choose to prioritise.

From someone who wasted many years on a time waster, please take care and don't accept second rate x

Jaxhog · 11/05/2017 16:07

If he hasn't proposed yet, he probably won't.

Strap on your big girl pants, plan a fab meal with his favourite food and you propose to him. He'll either say yes or no. If no (or not yet, which is the same thing), you'll know where you stand.

inniu · 11/05/2017 16:08

If marriage is not a dealbreaker is stringing you along not a deal breaker? Is putting the house in his own name only and choosing to leave you vulnerable not a deslbreaker?

Raffles1981 · 11/05/2017 16:09

Well OP, if you really feel you cannot talk about it, then he will never pick up on your hints. Communication is the key I'm afraid. So if you are telling us there is no way you can talk, only hint - then I suggest you start talking about how you and baby will be looked after if he goes first. Do you have wills made etc? Because you will need something in place if marriage is not on the cards. You will be waiting a long time for something that may never happen x

Goingtobeawesome · 11/05/2017 16:09

I have enough experience of past relationships, pointless engagement rings and a husband to know that if a man wants to marry you he makes it happen. If he doesn't want to marry you he doesn't propose , or he proposes and doesn't progress plans further.

Is this a deal breaker as you have two choices? Tell him married by Christmas or it's over and mean it or stay with him and remain unmarried.

Get yourself legally protected though as he could fuck off and leave your baby and you unsupported should he find someone else he likes better and than marries soon after Sad.

Raffles1981 · 11/05/2017 16:11

If the house is in his name, for ''financially better'' reasons and then he sends conflicting signals your way...sorry OP, sounds like he wants to share his life with you in principal but would rather have control over the finances for his own benefit.

ScarlettFreestone · 11/05/2017 16:11

If he won't get married and that's not a deal breaker for you, then you need to get a full time job and separate finances, and he still needs to write a will.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/05/2017 16:12

"We did buy a house but everything is in his name. I didn't really take notice at first assuming my credit rating isn't very good and his is excellent, we got a better deal on the mortgage apparently.
He has full control over the finances".

And you believed all this. You would not have necessarily got a better deal on a mortgage and you could have easily been added to a mortgage application.

You've been well and truly snookered here by him and he has all this where he wants it. Your own passiveness here and overall lack of knowledge when it comes to the legalities has not helped you here either.

You are on the periphery of his world as his "she will do for now" woman. I bet if you were to leave he would go onto marry someone else not too many years down the line either.

cestlavielife · 11/05/2017 16:13

"SAHM and he hasn't set up a will "

then think about working yourself so you are independent of him financially. is his pension massively huge?

if he dies tomorrow, where would you be financially?
tell him, if there is no legal marriage then you need protection if he gets run over and dies tomorrow.

house in joint names
will made out to you and child.
etc.

EsmereldaMargaretNoteSpelling · 11/05/2017 16:14

"How do I protect myself financially?"

If the house is in his name then you can't. It really is that simple. You need to either get married or set up on your own. I'm sorry, I really am, but this man does not want to marry you. So it should be a deal breaker for you, because as it stands right now he could kick you out and be obliged to pay nothing but the relevant child support - nothing whatsoever for you to live on. Please do some hard thinking, for your child's sake, if nothing else.

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