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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to expect a proposal by now?

320 replies

DarwinChrist · 11/05/2017 15:22

DP and I have been together for coming up 6 years. We've lived together for 5 and have a DS who's 3.
I've been waiting and wondering if I'll ever get married. In the first year of our relationship he mentioned a few times that he wants to be married to me and have a big wedding etc. He talks about it now and again. But alas... I have no engagement ring.
He earns a good wage, we're very fortunate and living quite comfortably. He has said that he wants to save up a bit so that when we do get engaged we can start planning straight away.
I've repeatedly told him I don't want an expensive ring (I don't wear jewellery and have more of a simple taste anyway) and I've also said that I don't need a huge extravagant wedding.

What's bugging me lately is that he keeps saving up... and then buying something expensive for himself.
I know how ridiculous that sounds, because it's his money. But the first time he spent £4k on a car that he doesn't need, he gets a company car which he can use for personal use. He bought it so he would have 'something to tinker with on the weekends'.
Then he started saving again, and went on a lads weekend to Ireland.
Now he's saving so he can invest in his best friends nee business.

He has always given me the impression that we'll be getting married.

But when I have brought it up before his excuse is that he's saving for a ring.

I just needed a rant. Feeling a bit fed up.

OP posts:
category12 · 14/05/2017 12:15

I agree that a life insurance policy is not enough, but it would be a step he could do on a sunday morning. And then arrange with solicitors etc provisions for his partner in a proper fashion. But he's still fobbing her off and being 'upset' that she has the temerity to question whether he wants to get married 6 years down the line.

magoria · 14/05/2017 12:20

OP he has made his position clear.

No marriage.

No going on the mortgage.

Life insurance & will if/when he can be bothered with no guarantee you will be the beneficiary.

You now know where you stand.

You and only you can not protect yourself and your DC.

Unfortunately that means you need to enrol your DC in a school asap and get yourself any job possible to get some money saved. Once you have these things on the go, you can look at some sort of way of improving yourself to get better paid employment to increase your independence and protection.

You have a DC. You don't have the luxury of burying your head in the sand and hoping any more.

Be grateful you found out before you wasted more than 6 years or the worse happened.

TheNaze73 · 14/05/2017 12:21

I think if he's got any doubts, he'd be a turkey voting for Christmas in marrying you.
Sadly, he's got you right where he wants you. Leave & he's laughing, stick with the status quo & he's laughing.
Don't subscribe that 6 years is a longtime with a relationship & can understand why he doesn't want to get married however, as you have dc at the very least you need some legal protection & if he's not willing to play ball, sadly I think you're fucked

magoria · 14/05/2017 12:21

*now protect not not protect

AddToBasket · 14/05/2017 12:25

How did he react when you said you wouldn't be home schooling?

I think you need to get a job asap. And be extremely evasive about the amount you will be getting paid. Obviously, do not offer to pay any bills on his house.

MissShittyBennet · 14/05/2017 12:27

Death in service, well that's a decent start. That's something. You're not completely unprotected, assuming he hasn't changed it.

I too wonder whats's meant by being spokesperson for him. You'd have to sign a POA, so perhaps he means he's notified his GP that he'd want you to be considered next of kin if he's incapacitated? People do that sometimes. It's not a formal legal provision in the same way but it would be something.

Do think about this in terms of what happens if he dies and leaves everything/everything but the death in service payment to DS and nothing to you. It's possible to put in place things like trusts where funds can be used for the maintenance of a child. But you have to think about things like, if the house is DSs and DP were to make provision for you to live in it until he's X age, who pays for repairs?

Honestly he's being grossly irresponsible.

Emboo19 · 14/05/2017 12:31

Unfortunately Op, I think the voice in your head is right!

Do you really have no one anywhere you can stay with? What money exactly to do have access to?

I'm not sure what's your best way to play it tbh!
Maybe bide your time, look for work, save any money you can, sell ds's old stuff on eBay. Get a exit plan in place and leave him!
If he's at least feeling a bit guilty will he up what money you have to spend?

I'd certainly not be cooking or cleaning for him though, if he wants a maid he can pay you minimum wage!

Original poster
DarwinChrist · 14/05/2017 12:54

I don't think there are spaces left in our local schools, most people (in my area) put their child's name down for a school place when the baby is fresh out the womb.
I'll call them all just in case.

I don't think spokesperson is the right word, for example if he needs to make an urgent mortgage payment or something, I would be able to speak/pay on his behalf.

No there's no one I could stay with, my parents house is overcrowded anyway and I don't really have close friends.

The only money I have full access to is the £80 a month child benefit. That's a scary truth.

I will open a savings account, start selling DS old things, some of my old things.

OP posts:
Beebeeeight · 14/05/2017 12:55

only 6 years

He actually said that?!?

F* him.

Life's too short.

Emboo19 · 14/05/2017 13:00

Could you at least negotiate more 'house keeping' money for yourself? Maybe tell him how much he'd be having to pay you in maintenance.
And he wouldn't have someone doing his housework then!

I'd say at least £100 a week, for food and bits for you and ds. Then you could hopefully save some of that.

expatinscotland · 14/05/2017 13:07

He is financially abusive. He is financially abusive. He is financially abusive. He will never change. You would have more than £80 if you left him. I'd take my kid to a refuge and leave him.

Whisky2014 · 14/05/2017 13:09

Please leave!

Naicehamshop · 14/05/2017 13:11

I work in a primary school and it's definitely worth your while phoning round about a school place for September, but the most important thing is to contact admissions at your local authority.

BoredandConfused · 14/05/2017 13:12

Darwin you are better off without him...not least financially!!!

You would get maintenance and tax credits etc, help with rent and peace of mind that it is all on your terms and under your control. Then the only thing you need to sort out is making sure you protect your DS, not allow your DP to control you through money and possessions (which he is making clear are his and not yours). As expat says, financially abusive, at the very least.

Original poster
DarwinChrist · 14/05/2017 13:33

emboo I really like that idea but again I don't see him agreeing to it. He'll say he can't afford to do that.

I guess because I don't work and don't pay for anything I feel unreasonable asking for extra money to spend on myself. (Quick insight though - had a rough upbringing with no money, we would literally have to save up coppers so we could buy milk & bread) so that's probably why I am the way I am.
And he probably saw that, took advantage and thought he'd won the lottery.
I know I'd be much better off financially if I left and managed to get a council house or something.
naice is flexischooling a thing? I'd rather do that and homeschooling and work around it.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 14/05/2017 13:40

Darwin - flexischooling is a thing, but I don't think schools are obliged to offer it. Might be wrong on that, though, so may well be worth finding out more about it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/05/2017 13:44

"And he probably saw that, took advantage and thought he'd won the lottery"

That is exactly what happened and you were targeted. Now you need to extricate yourself from the awful position you find yourself in.

This man cannot afford anything if it is not for him and or his sole benefit. Your son and you are but of secondary concern to him if that. And do make that appointment with a Solicitor as well.

user1493022461 · 14/05/2017 13:45

I'd take my kid to a refuge and leave him

What kind of refuge do you think OP would be eligible for ? Confused

MissShittyBennet · 14/05/2017 13:48

She's been financially abused. So most, if they have a place of course.

user1493022461 · 14/05/2017 13:52

None. Don't be ridiculous, refuges are so chronically underfunded that they have to turn away women leaving hospital with DV injuries. You won't find a refuge in the UK to take someone in because she has just today realised that the finances in her relationship are unfair.
Don't give such appalling advice on here, its irresponsible.

AmberLin · 14/05/2017 13:54

i'd be making plans to make a move OP. As awful as this sounds, he just isnt interested in marrying you. It's not normal behaviour for a solid loving relationship either. He's keeping you sweet with words, but the words are empty.

expatinscotland · 14/05/2017 13:55

'You won't find a refuge in the UK to take someone in because she has just today realised that the finances in her relationship are unfair.
Don't give such appalling advice on here, its irresponsible.'

Bullshit. Plenty will take her. She's being financially abused, not 'finances are unfair'. She can also speak to the homelessness office of her council (not all of them have no stock at all) and discuss getting temporary accommodation.

expatinscotland · 14/05/2017 13:56

It's blatantly irresponsible to call his behaviour anything other than what it is: financial abuse.

user1493022461 · 14/05/2017 13:57

Are you on glue?

I work with refuges. They have had funding slashed all over the country. OP wouldn't even make a waiting list for a waiting list.

EweAreHere · 14/05/2017 13:57

Contact the Local Authority TOMORROW and get your child in a school for September. Tell them you are in a financially abusive relationship, are vulnerable, and have been bullied out of signing your child up for school. You have felt trapped but you are leaving.

And leave.

You will be more financially secure without him. You are vulnerable and trapped as you are. He is not going to marry you. You have nothing. You will have more without him ... he will have to pay up and you may be eligible for housing assistance, etc.

Stop talking to him about marriage. YOU shouldn't want to marry HIM now that you have recognized him for what he is. DO NOT TIE YOURSELF TO THIS MAN WHO HAS TREATED YOU SO DISRESPECTFULLY AND TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF YOU IN THIS MANNER.

Seriously. He's not good enough for you. Please believe that.

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