AIBU to expect a proposal by now?

[DarwinChrist]

DP and I have been together for coming up 6 years. We've lived together for 5 and have a DS who's 3.
I've been waiting and wondering if I'll ever get married. In the first year of our relationship he mentioned a few times that he wants to be married to me and have a big wedding etc. He talks about it now and again. But alas... I have no engagement ring.
He earns a good wage, we're very fortunate and living quite comfortably. He has said that he wants to save up a bit so that when we do get engaged we can start planning straight away.
I've repeatedly told him I don't want an expensive ring (I don't wear jewellery and have more of a simple taste anyway) and I've also said that I don't need a huge extravagant wedding.

What's bugging me lately is that he keeps saving up... and then buying something expensive for himself.
I know how ridiculous that sounds, because it's his money. But the first time he spent £4k on a car that he doesn't need, he gets a company car which he can use for personal use. He bought it so he would have 'something to tinker with on the weekends'.
Then he started saving again, and went on a lads weekend to Ireland.
Now he's saving so he can invest in his best friends nee business.

He has always given me the impression that we'll be getting married.

But when I have brought it up before his excuse is that he's saving for a ring.

I just needed a rant. Feeling a bit fed up.

Work wise, with homeschooling would childminding be a option? I know you need to do some training and stuff, would he be supportive in helping you set something like that up?

I dont think he needs to propose and you don't need to propose either. It's something you both previously talked about. Just sit down and talk practically about dates and ring the registry office once it's agreed.

Our house is jointly owned but I have minimal income

"I want it to be perfect"

"Well, I want it to be now".

He has led you on a merry dance and now he has the cheek to pretend to be hurt and shocked that you're not happy being left in a really bloody vulnerable, and frankly, insulting, position.

You can do life insurance online. Has he done it?

I have to say OP, I read your OP thinking "bet she's a SAHM, bet the house is in his name, bet DS has his surname", and lo

It's always the same script. Such a shame. He holds all the cards and you have given all yours away.

@UserThenLotsOfNumbers what can I say? I'm a cynic.

I had about 2 hours sleep last night. You know he even asked if he was 'getting lucky tonight?' after our conversation (wtf?!) I told him to get his priorities straight.

I ended up on the sofa, not sure why but I decided to sleep there instead. Eventually drifted off at 4.. DS was up at 6

He said that he'd put my name as a spokesperson or something, like if anything happens I can speak on his behalf.

He's also too busy to sort out life insurance right now so he'll do it on his next day off. I'm not going to remind him to do it - we'll see if he makes that a priority.
And I know he can change his will and his life insurance any time but I don't see why he would if we're still together, and if we separate then I very much doubt he would take DS out of it all. That's my priority.

I asked him point blank "Whats the hold up? What's taking so long?"
And he kept saying he doesn't know, he doesn't have an answer and that he does want to marry me and he wants it to be perfect. What does perfect even mean?

He kept coming up with reasons why being married wouldn't be any different to him getting a will & life insurance etc.

Bollocks user, it's you that doesn't know how mortgages work. Im a sahm, I make no financial contribution but I'm on the mortgage, the house is jointly owned, we've moved 3 times whilst I've been a sahm and I've been on the mortgage each time.
Mortgage offers are based on household income, whether you can afford the repayments, using your 'theory' no single people would ever be able to get a mortgage would they?!

A bank would put OP on the mortgage if she wasn't earning . A bank might have issues with her credit file but unless she had ever been bankrupt/had a house repossessed, if the last couple of years are without defaults and missed payments most would be ok as long as the DP's earnings covered the amount borrowed. Thousands of SAHMs are on mortgages and house deeds. There are few, I can't recall any, lenders that would even insist on life insurance.

OP Life insurance should be written in trust, see a good financial adviser and don't buy off the internet. You should be involved in the meetings. If he isn't going to marry you, you need to consider what that means for your relationship first and foremost. If you decide to stick around then you need to get lasting power of attorney's in place both for property and affairs and health and welfare. You should be the person that makes those decisions in the event that your DP can't, not his default next of kin, i.e. Parents, brothers or sisters or your DC when old enough.
Wills too are a must. The life insurance should be enough to clear the mortgage and provide more beside for you to be able to live. You need to check that you are the beneficiary on his pension, make sure he updates his expression of wish form and you know it has been done.

That should cover a lot of the financial aspects but not all. As an aside if he is earning 70k a year, your household is not entitled to child benefit, make sure you stop any payments and he gets it declared on a tax return, or otherwise you might end up with hefty repayments and another financial out for him. Whilst you have no income in your name, no entitlement to child benefit, you need to consider the impact on your long term finances e.g. NI contributions to make sure you're entitled to state pension, something that even minimum wage would cover you for.

The bit that you really need to consider is do you want to marry him? Does he want to marry you? If the answer to either of these questions is "No", then I would be putting together an exit strategy.

I hate that he's trying to guilt trip you pretending he's hurt! I'm sorry OP he's playing you for a mug. I know I would issue an ultimatum, either we get married this year it we split up. If he wants to get married then do it. The most insulting thing is the fact he keeps saying he wants to and does f all about it. He's living the life of riley probably all backed up with his bitter old mother and you and your child are bottom of the list.

Thousands of SAHMs are on mortgages and house deeds

If they are married. Banks do not put unrelated non-earners onto the mortgage, so keep your face to yourself.

She would be jointly liable for repayment, with no income of any kind, and not married. No bank will touch that.

Make an appointment with a solicitor for his next day off Op.
Do you have anyone you can go stay with family? Friends? If you do, I'd be telling him he attends the solicitors meeting with you, complete with all details of his income, pension, savings, or you and ds are going to move out!

Also an appointment at the bank, you should have a joint account and like I mentioned above he opens you a savings account, so you'll have access to your own money!

It's not necessarily about him taking DS out of it OP, but do you know how that might look if he died tomorrow and leaves you nothing and DS everything?

He needs to think about how you'd mutually ensure you'd have the financial resources to raise your child alone if he pops his clogs. As an aside, life insurance for the sahp is usually a good idea too. If you die tomorrow, he'd either have to pay for childcare or reduce his own working hours.

Whack you read my mind.
bored that's great advice and info thank you so much.
I'm writing all this down to memorise so I can take credit for being so switched on lol.
We have declared his earnings to HMrev and they said we were entitled to child benefit?
I'll have to have another look into it.

You could be entitled if he puts a lot into pension.

I'm also looking for work but don't have anyone I could stay with. If anything I'd have to ask him to leave until we find somewhere else.

He just doesn't want to get married and is giving you mixed messages. Get your name on the mortgage - yes you will then be liable for the debt along with him, but you will also get a share of the equity when/if the house gets sold and he will not be able to remortgage, take loans against the equity etc without you also being informed. He can't take you off the mortgage as he could with a will or life insurance. This all assuming that the house is rising in value and is an asset.

I think you either have to accept he is not going to marry you (there will never be a "perfect" time/situation) and get on the mortgage, life insurance etc and live knowing that or consider if you need to make a fresh start. He is selfish and controlling - he even want the imaginary wedding to be all about his nebulous idea of perfect.

You do realise you can sort out a life insurance policy online in minutes?

You do realise you can sort out a life insurance policy online in minutes?

OP can't sort out his life insurance policy, online or otherwise. He could, if he wants to.

That's what I meant, user, it was a generic you - there's no reason he has to wait until his next day off.

Yes I know. I wrote that in response to OPs posts about him not having bothered. Its a general you. He could have done it quite easily.

I take the point about writing in trust, esp as with a 70k income the home is quite likely above IHT threshold, but if he's going to drag his heels over going to professionals this would be better than nothing in the interim.

Also does he have death in service benefits at work?

I agree with another poster though, you don't just want a online life insurance policy. You need an appointment with a solicitor, honestly they go through so many things you don't even consider and maybe hearing from a professional that he needs to put plans to protect you and ds in place, may make him pay attention.

Your ds would be next of kin if he dies with no will and he may think that's all ok. But it's really not straight forward. I thought leaving my money to my dd, would mean her dad could use it for her.
But that's not the case, he may not even be able to live with her in the house I own!

user thanks. Fortunately for the OP and many unmarried SAHP's, I'm right and you're wrong on that point. I do however, agree that if anything happened to the DP, the OP would be extremely vulnerable without the other things I mentioned being in place, most notably, regarding the mortgage in isolation, life insurance.

Darwin anytime. Good luck with everything you really do need some good legal and financial advice to protect your position and that of your DC.
In terms of being a "spokesperson" for him, this would usually be as a trustee or attorney. To take those roles you would have needed to have signed to agree. If he named you as a beneficiary you wouldn't need to agree but being a trustee and/or attorney is a different kettle of fish legally and both need to be willing to act in those capacities.

miss yes the death in service thing is the only thing my name is actually on right now.
emboo I'll definitely try and make an appointment but there's a loud voice in my head saying it won't happen.