AIBU to expect a proposal by now?

[DarwinChrist]

DP and I have been together for coming up 6 years. We've lived together for 5 and have a DS who's 3.
I've been waiting and wondering if I'll ever get married. In the first year of our relationship he mentioned a few times that he wants to be married to me and have a big wedding etc. He talks about it now and again. But alas... I have no engagement ring.
He earns a good wage, we're very fortunate and living quite comfortably. He has said that he wants to save up a bit so that when we do get engaged we can start planning straight away.
I've repeatedly told him I don't want an expensive ring (I don't wear jewellery and have more of a simple taste anyway) and I've also said that I don't need a huge extravagant wedding.

What's bugging me lately is that he keeps saving up... and then buying something expensive for himself.
I know how ridiculous that sounds, because it's his money. But the first time he spent £4k on a car that he doesn't need, he gets a company car which he can use for personal use. He bought it so he would have 'something to tinker with on the weekends'.
Then he started saving again, and went on a lads weekend to Ireland.
Now he's saving so he can invest in his best friends nee business.

He has always given me the impression that we'll be getting married.

But when I have brought it up before his excuse is that he's saving for a ring.

I just needed a rant. Feeling a bit fed up.

Is that to me user? I'm not giving advice, the refuge wasn't my idea, but you asked about eligibility not likelihood of getting a place. Two different things. There absolutely are refuges whose criteria include women who have been subject to financial abuse. I know because I've had dealings with them professionally.

Unfortunately this was a while ago, which goes back to your point about shortage of space. But if you mean that rather than eligibility, say so.

'Are you on glue? '

No, I work with refuges, too. Believe it or not, you are not the authority on every single one of them in the UK. And there are those who will indeed take her, depending on where she is in the UK.

She can also ring her council's homelessness office. Some councils still have stock available.

But hey, continue getting personal and derailing the thread, 'users' are so good at that.

Have you been to or considered going to Citizens Advice Bureau regarding finances etc.

Yes, OP, go to CAB. Whatever you do, don't take any of the advice on here as the truth, because most of it is inaccurate, unhelpful and some of it completely made up.
Best of luck.

Yes, we're liars. If 'user' says so, it must be true .

I'm so sorry OP, but also - I'm not. You've woken to what he is now, so you can take control for your life back.

It's not pleasant for you now, but please believe that in the long run, this is the best for you and your son. He's not the man you thought he was, your future with him would never have been what you deserved.

It's equally true no matter how biased and rude you are about user names.

It's true in your experience, which is not everyone's. But carry on .

I don't think there are spaces left in our local schools, most people (in my area) put their child's name down for a school place when the baby is fresh out the womb.

There is no such thing as this, OP. Everyone applies for state schools at the same time, when sent an email/letter to do so by their LEA, which is in the Autumn term before your child is due to start school. It's a level playing field, you can't put "a name down" at birth or anything like that. If you child was due to start school this Sept then you would have received this letter.

Your child is 3. When is their birthday? If it's between now and August then you need to contact your LEA to find out about putting in a late school application for September 2017. If it's between 1st Sept and next Aug then you don't need to apply just yet: get your child into pre-school - you get 15 free hours a week - for the next year and a bit, and apply when the time comes for a September 2018 place.

No need for insults user I'm really grateful to everyone who's taken the time to comment and give advice, good or bad. It helped me gain perspective.

I won't be forced out of my home, regardless of who's name the house is in. I'll be asking him to leave until we can find a new house. He can stay with his parents (or pay for a new place to stay for a while I'm sure he can afford it)

I'm so scared for my DS. I really don't want to traumatise him or upset him or anything, I want to keep his life as peaceful and happy as possible. He's such a good happy child. I know he's going to be asking questions and I don't know what I'm going to say. I feel like such a shit mum right now.

I'll go to CAB when I can and see what they say.

Why is being an adult so shit?

pingu I remember loads of my mum friends telling me they'd contacted the school after their baby was born and put their name down. I was also asked by my health visitor when my DS was 1 if I'd signed him up for a place at school yet.
When I say school, I do mean pre school. In my area it's all in one and it's from the age of 3-11. It may be like that everywhere though I'm not sure.

Unfortunately with the house solely in his name and you not married, you have no right at all to stay in the house. It's his house, and he doesn't sound like he will just leave and let you stay there.

Darwin you're not being a shit mum, you're being the best kind. One who understands that protecting their financial interests and equality raises a strong, independent child who treats men and women with respect, regardless of whether they work in or out of the home.

Take a free initial consultation with a solicitor and decide where to go from there. Good luck!

User I don't think he would make me and his DS homeless. He may be a bit of a dick but he wouldn't do that. I know his father wouldn't let him do that.

I think selling things to make some money would be a good idea, OP. Keep up the job search too. Perhaps do it on the quiet though; if your partner sees you becoming independent of him it could escalate his abuse.

Ive only read up to page 3, i wonder what you all will advise your children when they grow up? Is it to never live with someone or never have children without being married?

I'll advise my DS to be financially independent, to always have a nest egg tucked away for a rainy day, and to look after his family. Sometimes we make mistakes so our children don't have to.

Or never be financially dependent on someone else, who can render you destitute on a whim.

Posters who crow about how happy they are to have made the decision NOT to marry their partners despite having children make me so mad. !

The ONLY time this is at all an OK decision is if you happen to earn more than your partner or have an independent income that will be unaffected by childbirth OR staying home to raise your children.

If this is the case for you then whoop-de-do for you but it's NOT the case for the overwhelming majority of women with children living with partners. They are inevitably on no or low incomes - entirely dependent on their partners to make ends meet. To recommend such a lifestyle is really irresponsible.

As a married woman you are entitled to ;

Automatic right to inherit marital home wether or not named on the mortgage/deeds
Right to statutory % of money in the marriage (spouses bank account/assets wether or not he has left a will. )
Pension sharing on divorce.occupational (work) pension.
Inherit his state pension after death. /divorce
State Bereavement benefits.
The right to make life/death decisions regarding your spouse should you be in that awful situation.
Child maintenance

Your rights as a cohabiting partner ;
Child maintenance.
Possible chance to claim a property to house your child under the children's act.
(Better have enough dosh for the court fight - it's far from guaranteed and if this point is won it often only
means he has to provide a home until child is 18 then he can have it back and you will be homeless.
None of the other 'perks' mentioned above.

It costs £85 to get married. There is no legal contract in the U.K. that provides the same protection.

Not at all wizzy. I would advise them to protect their own financial interests and that of their DC. I would advise them never to rely on anyone financially and if they chose to, to make sure that they had adequate legal and financial protection in place.

I live with my DP, we are not married. He is financially reliant on me to maintain his lifestyle. He is not on the deeds or mortgage of my property as I purchased it long before I met him. When he moved in, I made sure we both took out life insurance to protect each other financially and amended my will so that if anything happened to me, he would be able to live in my property rent free for as long as he chose but that ownership would ultimately pass to my DD not him. He is very well cared for financially in the event that anything happens to me, as is my DD.

It's such a difficult situation Op and without knowing your dp personally it's difficult to say what's best to do.
How do you think he'd react to you saying you wanted to seperate? You say you don't think he'd make ds homeless, but would he fight for custody? Would he be willing to pay a deposit and first months rent for you somewhere else to live? Or let you stay in the home?

What was his reaction to you going back to work and not home schooling?

How is he as a father and partner money issues aside?

Are you going to put DS's name down for school?

Sorry kittens some inaccuracies there...there is no automatic right to inherit the marital home or statutory % of funds regardless of whether or not there is a will.

Any assets jointly owned will automatically pass to the other joint holder...this is true regardless of whether or not you are married, the important difference with spouses is that it will pass free of inheritance tax.
Other assets can be willed to whomever the legal owner chooses, including properties that are owned as "tenants in common" rather than "joint tenants" and it is common practice to do so.
Under the laws of intestacy if someone dies married, without a will then all assets will pass to the spouse if there are no DC or grandchildren or great grandchildren. If there are then personal possessions and £250,000 of assets, will pass to the spouse, along with 50% of the remainder if there are DC or grandchildren.
I do agree that marriage offers much more financial protection than not being married on death but it doesn't offer the protection that you have stated.

To go back to my own situation, if I ever marry my DP, I will need a new will because marriage invalidates the existing one for a start, but I will still structure my finances in the same way. If we ever do jointly own a property, it will be as "tenants in common" and my daughter will inherit my share, with him holding the right to live in it for the whole of his life if he chooses. This is relatively common these days with blended families and step-children. I will protect my DP but will not enable him to have my assets that I have worked for, for long before he met me outright, at the expense of my DD. If I didn't do this and I died before him, he could disinherit my DD. That's not going to happen.

It is just as important to have a will that is kept up to date if you are married, particularly if you have sizable assets. Not least because those with sizable assets are likely to hold lots in sole name because of the tax advantages things like ISA's for example hold.

The correct legal and financial advice is vital for all of us, married or not because there are so many misconceptions out there and the laws surrounding them change relatively frequently. It's a minefield and we're all different and what is right in my circumstances is not necessarily the same in others.

His response to that was "I'm really hurt that you don't believe me when I say I want to marry you. You should beleive me because I really do, but I want it to be perfect. Plus, it's only been 6 years."

I hope OP you understand that this (ONLY been 6 years - hahahaha!) means that this man is never going to marry you.

Whether you want to stay with him in the present circumstances is a matter for you BUT as you have identified you need to get your house in order.

I would very much look at putting your child into school, re-asserting your own place in the workforce and making your own income - irrespective of whether he stumps up on the life insurance, pension, mortgage etc.

Personally, I'd tell him that it's clear he doesn't want to marry you. On one of those other threads someone suggested saying:

"We're not on the same page. If you still need to think about it or are saying "its only been 6 years", it's actually clear this isn't what you want. It's clear we want different things so this is over."

I won't be forced out of my home, regardless of who's name the house is in. I'll be asking him to leave until we can find a new house

This is one of the most terrifying things I've ever read on MN.

Legally he could come him tonight and demand you leave his home immediately. If you refused he could get the police to remove you.

You have no rights whatsoever to be in his home.

He doesn't have to give you notice or a reason or anything.