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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to expect a proposal by now?

320 replies

DarwinChrist · 11/05/2017 15:22

DP and I have been together for coming up 6 years. We've lived together for 5 and have a DS who's 3.
I've been waiting and wondering if I'll ever get married. In the first year of our relationship he mentioned a few times that he wants to be married to me and have a big wedding etc. He talks about it now and again. But alas... I have no engagement ring.
He earns a good wage, we're very fortunate and living quite comfortably. He has said that he wants to save up a bit so that when we do get engaged we can start planning straight away.
I've repeatedly told him I don't want an expensive ring (I don't wear jewellery and have more of a simple taste anyway) and I've also said that I don't need a huge extravagant wedding.

What's bugging me lately is that he keeps saving up... and then buying something expensive for himself.
I know how ridiculous that sounds, because it's his money. But the first time he spent £4k on a car that he doesn't need, he gets a company car which he can use for personal use. He bought it so he would have 'something to tinker with on the weekends'.
Then he started saving again, and went on a lads weekend to Ireland.
Now he's saving so he can invest in his best friends nee business.

He has always given me the impression that we'll be getting married.

But when I have brought it up before his excuse is that he's saving for a ring.

I just needed a rant. Feeling a bit fed up.

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 14/05/2017 18:21

I doubt very much that the police would turn her out of the home. They would say it was a civil matter and he would have to get a court order.

Bet yes, she is in a perilous position.

GardenGeek · 14/05/2017 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1493022461 · 14/05/2017 18:34

I doubt very much that the police would turn her out of the home. They would say it was a civil matter and he would have to get a court order

Neither will they help her if he changes the locks while she is out. She has no claim to the home at all.

Funnyfarmer · 14/05/2017 18:43

"We're not on the same page. If you still need to think about it or are saying "its only been 6 years", it's actually clear this isn't what you want. It's clear we want different things so this is over"

Second that!

For me it was never about financial security. It was the blatant disregards to my feelings and what I wanted from the relationship. I would have preferred him to say right from the start he didn't want to get married. And let me find someone who did. Or maybe I would have come round to his way of thinking but who knows.
He just kept stringing me along. Pretending it's what he wanted too. It just made me feel used.
Even if he signed everything over to you tomorrow. House bank accounts everything. It's not very likely your relationship will over come this. You will probably always resent him for it. It's a massive thing in my eyes.

hollyisalovelyname · 14/05/2017 19:52

Oh OP.
He really has taken you for a ride. Saw your vulnerability.
You have given him a beautiful child and yet he won't make that commitment to you.
Something that means so much to you.
What a horrible man.
Stay strong Flowers
Get professional advice

BoredandConfused · 14/05/2017 19:54

GardenGeek
I'm not too sure what you mean. That quote was in response to a poster who asked what advice we would give our DC and I stand by that.

If you're referring to my personal situation with the fact that I have bypassed my DP in favour of my DD, regarding the ownership of my property, there are important differences. I didn't buy the property whilst with my DP, I bought it 15 years before meeting him and my DD is not his. If she was DP's and we met 20 years ago I wouldn't feel the need to specifically protect her inheritance in the same way and my finances would be structured differently. Furthermore, my Property is not my only asset and my DP is very well protected in the event of my death and has been since the day he moved in.

I think you are giving OP's DP too much credit here. He's not thinking about protecting his DS if he dies. He's thinking about looking after himself if they were to split up.

BoredandConfused · 14/05/2017 20:05

I should also add that my DP has the specific right to live in the property until the day he dies. He just can't sell it and disinherit my daughter and likewise, she can't have him kicked out and sell the house from underneath him.
I've tried to protect both of them.

Boooring · 14/05/2017 20:09

Huh! The police made me leave my home when I was living with my dc and ex turned up creating a scene. He wasnt even living there.

Don't be so sure.

mummytime · 14/05/2017 20:39

RE schools - if you are in England OP (and if you are in Scotland you might have a lot more rights) - then your understanding is wrong.

It may be the practise that children go to a pre-school at 3 and then everyone in practise stays until 11. But legally the pre-school nursery bit and the junior school are separate, and there will be an application process in the middle.
It may be that schools just aren't full (although nursery classes might be) or that the way the admissions criteria is worded that it seems seam less. For example my DC went to a separate Infant and Junior school, which meant we had to apply for Junior school at 7. In practise everyone who wanted to went to the Juniors (especially as it expanded to three classes at that stage), but we did have to fill in the form.

GardenGeek · 14/05/2017 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoredandConfused · 14/05/2017 20:52

No Worries Garden. I thought we'd got our wires crossed along the way!

GardenGeek · 14/05/2017 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beebeeeight · 14/05/2017 21:37

If he says she is trespassing and wants her out the police will drag her out.

GladAllOver · 16/05/2017 22:46

If he says she is trespassing and wants her out the police will drag her out.
Nonsense. The police are not going to throw a woman onto the street on one man's say so. She can demonstrate that she lives there, that the child is hers. They would tell him it's a civil matter for him to resolve.
But this does not diminish the OP's series position.

SecondRow · 22/05/2017 08:16

Hi OP, so I guess he's had a day off by now? I don't suppose he's done anything about the life insurance, has he?

category12 · 22/05/2017 12:22

Hope he has.

PastaOfMuppets · 22/05/2017 14:45

OP, how're you doing?

timeisnotaline · 22/05/2017 22:18

Well it's not bloody perfect now is it? I'm sorry op :( id go on strike - when he comes in tell him there's no dinner because it was a bit salty and you wanted it to be perfect. If he wants to go with you and ds to the park say no it's a bit cloudy and I'd like it to be perfect. If he wants yo watch the movie you are watching say don't , it's not that funny and I'd like it be perfect.

I would do this, but I am afraid you need to be looking for schools and hopefully a job, as just making him understand he is a colossal twat won't fix anything. Take comfort that many many children enjoy regular school and do fine! You'll be a better role model as an independent mum who stands up for her child's future security than as a loving homeschooling mum, as it looks like you have to choose. Because nothings perfect. ( my dh wasn't ready and I was, he said he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me but wasn't ready to get married. I gave him a deadline. He proposed)

LiftElevatorWhatever · 23/05/2017 09:36

my dh wasn't ready and I was, he said he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me but wasn't ready to get married. I gave him a deadline. He proposed

I did this too, because I couldn't wait any longer. I think DP as was thought that because we were so happy everything was fine. But I was prepared to risk the relationship ending because it would hurt too much on an emotional level to be with him but not to be married. Nothing bad happened after getting hitched and we are both very glad we did it.

ocelot7 · 23/05/2017 16:20

Good luck with fining the nursery place - hopefully there will be something available. I hope you will also find out in good time what the process is for applying for primary school. Aside from current circs & you needing to be earning money, its good for children to socialise with others their age. Home schooling of one would be particularly isolating, exacerbated by not having money to do much fun stuff.

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