AIBU to expect a proposal by now?

[DarwinChrist]

DP and I have been together for coming up 6 years. We've lived together for 5 and have a DS who's 3.
I've been waiting and wondering if I'll ever get married. In the first year of our relationship he mentioned a few times that he wants to be married to me and have a big wedding etc. He talks about it now and again. But alas... I have no engagement ring.
He earns a good wage, we're very fortunate and living quite comfortably. He has said that he wants to save up a bit so that when we do get engaged we can start planning straight away.
I've repeatedly told him I don't want an expensive ring (I don't wear jewellery and have more of a simple taste anyway) and I've also said that I don't need a huge extravagant wedding.

What's bugging me lately is that he keeps saving up... and then buying something expensive for himself.
I know how ridiculous that sounds, because it's his money. But the first time he spent £4k on a car that he doesn't need, he gets a company car which he can use for personal use. He bought it so he would have 'something to tinker with on the weekends'.
Then he started saving again, and went on a lads weekend to Ireland.
Now he's saving so he can invest in his best friends nee business.

He has always given me the impression that we'll be getting married.

But when I have brought it up before his excuse is that he's saving for a ring.

I just needed a rant. Feeling a bit fed up.

I've read all of this and I won't repeat what has been said by others as it's all great advice. You have NO financial security at all. He doesn't want to marry you, whatever his reasons this means you have no rights financially. He sounds like he's living the life of Riley and I'd suspect he never had any intention of putting your name on the house. If his DPs don't get on with you, that's likely to have been their idea too. Follow the good advice you've been given

Homeschooling is a terrible plan in your circumstances, for your DS. And financial security is far more important than home ed. Should your relationship break down you will need to have been working.

dont forget that you are also missing out on making NI contributions to your state pension all the time you are not working. You need 35 years worth of payments by the time you retire or you will be entitled to zilch. If you are not married, and you are looking after HIS child (thereby saving HIM any childcare costs) then the minimum he should be doing is covering your national insurance contributions.
If you only get CB, is that paid to you - or has he cancelled it because he would have to pay it back out of his wages? Because you are getting no NI credits while your child is young due to that
You say he has financial control - how do you pay for things for the 3 of you - do you have access to a joint bank account?
You are saving him a hell of a lot of cash here, child minding, cleaning, cooking - he can come and go at work, stay late, build his career, because YOU are at home picking up the pieces.
When you go back to work the childcare needs to be paid proportionally according to your wages. He should be as equally responsible for school pick ups and drop offs as you, or work towards solving that - maybe childminder drop offs and pick ups instead (I live next door to a childminder - there are just as many dads as mums doing this) He will also need to factor in using some of his holiday entitlement to cover school holidays - cant all be down to you, and you wont get enough holiday anyway. You need to make sure that he is as willing to take a day off if your child is sick. And step up on the chores. You will need to make sure he takes his turn in sorting and remembering all that goes into running a household - he doesnt get to benefit from having a wife if he wont make you a wife,

Oh and make sure you get enough spare time off too. He goes off on a lads holiday - surely you deserve a break too

"I feel really stupid right now."
You are NOT stupid. You are a normal person who trusted the person she loved. A normal person who assumed that the person they loved would do right by them.

If you want to feel anything, feel angry. Anger can be very useful and keep you focussed on what you need to do.

A prenup isn't old fashioned is it?
Old fashioned is 'with all my worldly goods I thee endow'

"Oh my god if I proposed to him he would die with embarrassment! I often say to him he's come straight from the 50's.. very old fashioned. Plus we've seen that on tv and I looked at him and before I could say anything he went 'don't even go there!'" read that back and listen to what he's telling you OP.

Added to that, he owns your house, you are a SAHM, and he says he wouldn't get married without a prenup.

Quite apart from the fact that he has literally told you he doesn't want to marry you with all that he's said in the past, why in fact do you want to marry him?

If you actually want to stay with him then you need to start taking control of your own life, and how he reacts to that should guide your decision as to whether you stay with him or in fact leave.

So:

Tomorrow enroll your DS in a preschool and get your fifteen hours free childcare a week.

Start looking at work options in terms of you going back to work. There's nothing wrong with being a sahm fwiw, I was one as well, but you need to be financially independent at this point.

You need to ditch the idea of home schooling and tell your DP that you've changed your mind on that score.

I guarantee that he will do everything in his power to stop you from doing all of the above. So in the meantime go and have a look at the CMS website to see what maintenance you will be entitled to when you leave him.

I would actually say don't have conversations with him about what he needs to do. He's had his chance to prove his (lack of) commitment, Now is the time for you to take control of your own life.

And please don't marry him, although don't be surprised if a proposal is forthcoming once you start taking control back of your life.

Holy shit, no life insurance?

One of my friends has just been widowed with no warning, very young. No life insurance, not on mortgage, no job to let her take it over. Small children.

She is destitute. She has had a mental breakdown as a result and it ain't over yet. Just seeing what it's done to her is horrifying, and I don't have to live her life. Please god do NOT let this be a risk you take.

Oh God! Don't feel really stupid! It says nice things about you that you have been so trusting even if it has left you quite vulnerable.

But, having read all of your posts, I will say he sounds controlling and financially abusive. He may be putting off marriage because he knows that no judge would uphold a prenup between someone whose wage capacity was NMW and someone on a £70k wage. That would impoverish you.

Prenups are usually only upheld if BOTH people are going to be fine without taking the other's assets because it is not in the public interest to allow one party to come out of a marriage with all the assets leaving the other party reliant on public funds.

But having said that, I really don't think you should marry this man, you should look at trying to protect yourself re splitting up.

See a solicitor re the house BTW. The courts have been recognising unmarried partners' rights more recently.

Getting married is the least of your problems - why is the house not in both names and why does he control all the finances? You have some major sorting out to do asap! It looks very much like you are living in a financially abusive relationship with someone who has no intention of marrying you.

Get your DS into nursery asap and get a full time job to start protecting yourself.

Wow, so you're an unpaid nanny/housekeeper. With 'benefits'.

Pretty good for him. Pretty shit for you.

I've just posted on another similar thread.

Me and dp aren't married - he did the whole big wedding one day thing, didn't happen and won't ever happen.

But, I work, and my name is on the mortgage and deeds to our house as well as his. So I have slightly more protection than you.

It sounds to me like he is quite controlling? He's got you exactly where he wants you.

I would honestly if I was you get a full time job and find out about getting yourself in mortgage and deeds to the house, if he refuses to do that I would be out of there.

You know what? All these people saying Talk to him...well I have and It hasn't got me anywhere. I've been with my partner 3 years. He has told me he wants to get married. Whenever I bring it up he says he won't speak about it with me. He has said before he wants to do a big proposal when I have said I am not interested in that. We just bought a house last November and I do want to be with him. So what do you people advise I do? He wants it on his terms so I have to suck it up.so annoying. What's worse is he has been previously engaged and they didn't own a house.

It sounds like you're not being honest with him. You can't be dropping hints and then mad that he isn't picking up on them. If you feel as though you can talk to him about this, talk to him. Be upfront about what you want and the concerns you're having and see what his reaction is. It's quite possible he sees you as "as good as married" and you telling him you don't need a fancy ring, or a wedding, or a timeline is enabling him to drag his feet. You've signaled to him this isn't important to you when clearly it is.

He told me he couldn't put my name on the mortgage, he had to apply by himself for it because of our credit ratings etc.

He earns the money so he has control over the finances, I don't feel entitled in any way to take his wages. But it's so frustrating not knowing where his money goes. Let's say, on a good month, he brings home 5k. Our monthly outgoings on bills are approx £1500. I don't know where the rest of that money goes. He says into savings and when I ask he's always got some reason for why he doesn't have any money left.
He is quite controlling I suppose. Haven't really thought about it like that. Since DS was born I haven't really had an income of my own and feel so guilty that he pays all the bills that when I need to ask him for money it makes me nervous. He doesn't kick off or anything, but sometimes he'll be like 'Uch what for?' Or 'I don't really have any money left.' Which I know isn't true.

I've been doing some googling thus evening and found entitledto website, entered information as if I was a single mum not working in a privately rented accommodation and I actually would be able to pay all my hypothetical bills and have around £150 left over at the end of the month, until my DS is 5 then I'd have to start looking for work.

Which I must say, is a relief.

I'm also signing us both up for life insurance tomorrow whether he likes it or not. I don't know how yet but damn it, I'll get it done.

I've also applied for a couple of part time jobs (only like 8 hours a week) but yay!

I'm so glad I posted about this today, my eyes have been well and truly opened

Whisky set a deadline. And stick to it.

Well done Darwin. A good start.

You live as a family so why is the money not all family money? You should never have to ask for money - what happens if you want to go out one evening for pizza and wine - do you have to account in advance as to what you plan on spending? What about having your hair done, buying clothes or things for the house, paying to go out for the day?

I have scarlet. March 13th next year.
But it's horrible doing this. I mean he talks about us having kids, we bought our forever home ages 29 and 30... I don't want to be without him. But yeh, I guess I need to stick to my deadline :(

Start checking his pay slip, bank statements and savings accounts so you are aware of where the money is going. Get your name on the mortgage and a will in place.

"We just bought a house last November and I do want to be with him. So what do you people advise I do? He wants it on his terms so I have to suck it up.so annoying."
Well my advice Whisky2014 would be to stop believing you are powerless in your relationship. You do not have to suck it up. You did not have to financially entwine yourself with him. You should reflect on whether a man who only wants things on his terms could possibly respect you, and whether you can respect a man who doesn't respect you. (I do not believe love is possible without respect.) And I would explore why I wanted to be with someone who treated me in this way.

Darwin.

It's been seen before on here loads unfortunately.

Partner won't marry, meets another woman, marries her instead, before you know it you're out on your ear, single mother, no place to live, no work skills.

You're his chief cook and bottle washer!

You totally contribute. You're the cleaner, chef, nanny, PA, chauffer, and do all the unpaid unrewarded 'wife work'.

Parker I don't know, it's never been like that with us. Before DS we both worked full time and split everything down the middle. Now I know he's paying for 100% of everything I somehow feel not right about asking him for money for myself. I can't remember the last time I bought new clothes or had my hair done in an actual salon.
There's a local park by our house so when DP is working DS and I go there. We will go on days out when DP has a day off he doesn't want to miss out on anything.
So the only time he sends me money is when I do the food shopping twice a month and I spend about £100 each time.

where But he does respect me. He treats me very well, he's lovely and trustworthy etc and I do think he will propose one day but seems to want to plan something. He also said about asking my dad and I told him I didn't want that. The next time we spoke he did seem to have binned rhat idea. So do I ruin what could be a good surprise? I just don't know.