Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to expect a proposal by now?

320 replies

DarwinChrist · 11/05/2017 15:22

DP and I have been together for coming up 6 years. We've lived together for 5 and have a DS who's 3.
I've been waiting and wondering if I'll ever get married. In the first year of our relationship he mentioned a few times that he wants to be married to me and have a big wedding etc. He talks about it now and again. But alas... I have no engagement ring.
He earns a good wage, we're very fortunate and living quite comfortably. He has said that he wants to save up a bit so that when we do get engaged we can start planning straight away.
I've repeatedly told him I don't want an expensive ring (I don't wear jewellery and have more of a simple taste anyway) and I've also said that I don't need a huge extravagant wedding.

What's bugging me lately is that he keeps saving up... and then buying something expensive for himself.
I know how ridiculous that sounds, because it's his money. But the first time he spent £4k on a car that he doesn't need, he gets a company car which he can use for personal use. He bought it so he would have 'something to tinker with on the weekends'.
Then he started saving again, and went on a lads weekend to Ireland.
Now he's saving so he can invest in his best friends nee business.

He has always given me the impression that we'll be getting married.

But when I have brought it up before his excuse is that he's saving for a ring.

I just needed a rant. Feeling a bit fed up.

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 11/05/2017 20:24

Sorry for hijacking your thread OP

Heyitsholly · 11/05/2017 20:24

Watch or read act like a lady think like a man. One of the girls in the film has the same situation. The advice was why would they get married to you when your giving it all for free?
In the film she left him and he realised his mistakes. But thats a film and no kids involved.
Have a deep think if i were you

MaybeDoctor · 11/05/2017 20:31

Think about it another way:

You and he have no legal connection. A tenant or lodger would have more rights over the house you live in.

Only your child has rights in relation to the property and to maintenance from him.

He could go to a registry office and marry another woman next week (I think there is a notice period?) and she would have joint rights to the house you live in. There would be nothing stopping him from doing so as there is no legal recognition of your relationship.

Sobering, isn't it?

Ask him to marry you, that is your best bet.

Hope it works out for you.

DestinationSofa · 11/05/2017 20:32

This is absolutely rediculous. I think you need to get married or get rid. You are his free childcare with no commitment or financial consequence for him and in the eyes of the law not even a couple.

dataandspot · 11/05/2017 20:34

If you confront him I predict he will react by offering an engagement but I don't believe he will marry you.

Parker231 · 11/05/2017 20:37

OP - if you don't feel you have rights to the family income, you need to return to full time work as soon as possible. It's ridiculous not having your hair done or buying clothes - I assume your DP does both.

What do your friends and family think of the situation - it's like you are living in the 1950's.

Original poster
DarwinChrist · 11/05/2017 20:43

whisky don't worry I hope you're ok!

parker my family don't really know what's going on. They keep asking if/when we're getting married and I never know what to say, it's embarrassing.

He's home tomorrow night so I have time to get together what I want to say. The deadline seems like a good way to go.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 11/05/2017 20:45

OP - I think your family wondering about you not getting married is irrelevant in the biggger picture. I imagine they would be more concerned about the financial abuse.

Dragongirl10 · 11/05/2017 20:51

sorry op but he is not interested or he would have proposed.......if you want this then you need to be much lesss subtle and tell him exactly how much it means to you....

Oly5 · 11/05/2017 21:29

The idea that he doesn't allow you money and you hVe to ask for it is ridiculous. And I don't believe you can't be on the mortgage. He is playing you for a fool.
He is also deliberately depriving you of money and keeping it to himself.
I think you need to tell him you want to be married within the next six months and you want your name on the mortgage. And that you want access to a joint bank account with at least £2,500 per month in it. If that doesn't happen, you will be getting a full time job and he will need to contribute to childcare/cost of a cleaner etc.
Sorry, he's being a total wan@er

magoria · 11/05/2017 21:34

In one respect you are very lucky you are not on the mortgage.

With no life insurance you are not responsible to repay it if he dies.

Dozer · 11/05/2017 21:36

You paid half when you were on MW and he earned ££?

It's not right that you have no money: it should be family money.

He is not a good partner: at worst he is financially abusive.

Parker231 · 11/05/2017 21:42

Do you really want to marry someone who behaves like this - you just might have had a lucky escape.

EweAreHere · 11/05/2017 22:09

You are in a very vulnerable position. I'm glad you can see that now.

DarkFloodRises · 11/05/2017 22:13

He gets a second car and a lads weekend to Ireland and you get £200 a month for groceries and that's it?? OP this isn't right. Your job as a SAHM may be unpaid but it should be valued. Your DP sounds selfish and controlling Angry

DarkFloodRises · 11/05/2017 22:14

While I was a SAHM I had full access to the family money.

LoveForTulips · 11/05/2017 22:20

I'm really really shocked at all these people who say 'if he hasn't asked by now he doesn't want to' and 'it's never gonna happen'
I totally disagree. It's something my and my DP talked about for years, nothing ever came of it and I thought 'you know what, we don't need to be married - im so happy with how we are anyways' we stopped with the conversations, I never dropped hints anyways but when people asked we would just say 'see what happens I guess' and then he proposed. It took me completely by surprise! And we've been together longer than you and your DP!!
Just because he hasn't done it yet, doesn't mean he isn't going to. But I would be pissed at his spending of 'savings'

magoria · 11/05/2017 22:51

Love did your OH make excuses not to propose? Like OPs OH 'saving' then spending it all on himself?

LoveForTulips · 11/05/2017 23:35

No he didn't, he said he wanted to marry me and that was that, but he did often spend his money on absolute crap. We also didn't talk about saving before we got engaged, but we are saving now.
I don't agree that OPs DP is being unfair with his excuses, if it was me I would ask him outright! 'Are we getting married or not?' Grin

Mary1935 · 12/05/2017 00:08

Don't forget to add maintenance into your calculations too. You will be financially better off without him. If he won't marry you can you ask him to add you to the mortgage. That will tell you all you need to know.

Offred · 12/05/2017 06:54

Darwin - see a solicitor about the house. Did you contribute to deposit/mortgage/bills before DS?

Offred · 12/05/2017 06:58

Even if you didn't the contribution you are making by raising DS may be considered a contribution to the family which may give you some rights to the house independent of DS.

Offred · 12/05/2017 07:02

And TBH he may not realise this but you may be considered legally engaged and therefore able to benefit from a share of the property because he keeps banging on about you getting married.

DownTownAbbey · 12/05/2017 08:15

He knows exactly what he's doing! You're being used, OP. I hope you can now see your situation for what it is. Good luck with you job hunt Flowers

cestlavielife · 12/05/2017 08:25

Being engaged is not a legal state.
These are two single people legally
Living in a joint household
But not married
Not registered on the property
The child has rights to maintenance
The op does not have anything