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Original poster

AIBU to expect a proposal by now?

320 replies

DarwinChrist · 11/05/2017 15:22

DP and I have been together for coming up 6 years. We've lived together for 5 and have a DS who's 3.
I've been waiting and wondering if I'll ever get married. In the first year of our relationship he mentioned a few times that he wants to be married to me and have a big wedding etc. He talks about it now and again. But alas... I have no engagement ring.
He earns a good wage, we're very fortunate and living quite comfortably. He has said that he wants to save up a bit so that when we do get engaged we can start planning straight away.
I've repeatedly told him I don't want an expensive ring (I don't wear jewellery and have more of a simple taste anyway) and I've also said that I don't need a huge extravagant wedding.

What's bugging me lately is that he keeps saving up... and then buying something expensive for himself.
I know how ridiculous that sounds, because it's his money. But the first time he spent £4k on a car that he doesn't need, he gets a company car which he can use for personal use. He bought it so he would have 'something to tinker with on the weekends'.
Then he started saving again, and went on a lads weekend to Ireland.
Now he's saving so he can invest in his best friends nee business.

He has always given me the impression that we'll be getting married.

But when I have brought it up before his excuse is that he's saving for a ring.

I just needed a rant. Feeling a bit fed up.

OP posts:
Mrswinkler · 11/05/2017 16:39

And what are the reasons for home schooling? This will seriously erode and personal or financial freedom for you in the future especially if you don't have the support of his family. What's the situation with your family? Are they nearby?

Original poster
DarwinChrist · 11/05/2017 16:40

Just had a quick Google and it would cost a grand total of £85 for the licence, registration office, marriage certificate etc.

Well fuck me. £85.

OP posts:
Dozer · 11/05/2017 16:41

He would want a prenup? There's your answer. He is out for himself only.

Get onto enrolling DS into school asap - there will likely still be spaces - and job seeking. DP can afford childcare. You need to look out for yourself and DS.

emilybrontescorset · 11/05/2017 16:46

He earns 70k and can't afford a ring!!!
Is he serious?
I agree with what's been posted. Never mind marrying him, get looking for a job and he can pay for the childcare.

springydaffs · 11/05/2017 16:46

You're not selling him to us op. He sounds erm not very nice..

You're little wifey (except you're not!) cloistered away at home, making it all cosy for him. Meanwhile, he owns EVERYTHING and splurges on himself when the fancy takes him. Meanwhile he's saying ' there there dear, all in good time', knowing full well you're gagging for it. Old fashioned? Controlling and deeply selfish more like.

Hardly a prize. You would be absolutely fucked if you split.

Emboo19 · 11/05/2017 16:48

Your ds is only 3, have you missed the school application yet? If he's still at nursery/pre school stage you can get 15 (think it's 30 from September) hours at school nursery or a private nursery, I'd be looking into that, now! I'd seriously re think home schooling.

I may be wrong, but I get the feeling your dp, likes you being so reliant on him. While he in turn has no particular ties to you. That strikes me as controlling behaviour and if you have no say over the money, financially abusive too!

ScarlettFreestone · 11/05/2017 16:49

Well there's your line in the sand.

You cannot home school your child if you are not married.

Further you cannot homeschool your child unless there is life insurance.

If he dies, and you lose your home (as you undoubtedly would), you would be destitute and your child would be without a stable education.

If he wants your child to be homeschooled you need the following things in place:

A marriage certificate.
Life insurance
A pension set up for you.

Your name on the deeds

Do your research, find out how much that would all cost, get quotations etc.

Sit down and present your findings.

Because homeschooling in your current position is a ridiculous idea.

SaltySeaDog72 · 11/05/2017 16:55

He wants a pre-nup and you're a SAHM who will be home-schooling? Hahahaha - sorry that's ridiculous! A judge would laugh long and hard at that I would say.

He doesn't think very much of you, OP. He doesn't value you or your crucial role in the family. And that sounds like the reason he can't get round to proposing. Too many fun things to spend money on...

Goingtobeawesome · 11/05/2017 17:00

Sadly another bloke who sees a child as less of a commitment than marriage.

category12 · 11/05/2017 17:02

Your situation is incredibly dodgy. You must get your child enrolled in school and go back to work or get married.

What ScarlettFreestone says above basically.

DarkFloodRises · 11/05/2017 17:05

Why does he want a pre-nup? Does he think that if you got married and later divorced you shouldn't be entitled to any of 'his' money? If so, that implies that he has no value for your role of SAHM and educating your DC.

category12 · 11/05/2017 17:08

I'd sign a pre-nup that protected his assets from, say, before your dc was born - but if he wants to protect everything, he really doesn't have your best interests at heart.

CoolCarrie · 11/05/2017 17:12

Why the hell would he want a pre nup? Is he a millionaire? WTF
I am glad this thread has given you food for thought OP, you are going to end up in the shit if you don't sort him out now. Either marry him or leave him this year, set a deadline

Original poster
DarwinChrist · 11/05/2017 17:13

I feel really stupid right now.

I've been so naive to my financial situation. I have been feeling almost guilty that I don't pay any of the bills etc.

I feel really good about my decision to homeschool and would hate to have to put him in school. A personal choice of mine and DP agreed (though maybe now I see why).

Really don't know what to think atm.

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 11/05/2017 17:15

The pre-nup thing is a shock - if you mentioned that up front I missed it.
It confirms that he doesn't want to give you any financial commitment.

Before then, you had a choice of telling him to get married, or you world leave.

Now, the getting married choice has gone. You have to get him signed up for child maintenance, and a job.

VestalVirgin · 11/05/2017 17:18

Go back to work and enroll your son in school. Do this in any case.

Even IF this man eventually marries you, it still won't be a good idea to be financially dependent on him, since he seems he doesn't share his income with you, equally, but just pays for some things he chooses to pay for.

Emboo19 · 11/05/2017 17:21

Is your dp home on weekends op? If so I'd start looking for a weekend job, at least that would give you some income.
For now, I'd seriously give up the idea of homeschooling, sorry op.

Whileweareonthesubject · 11/05/2017 17:23

You don't need a ring - you might like to have one, but it's not a necessity. I confess, I really don't understand the need for a proposal either - dh and I had talked about marriage in 'the future ' and then during one discussion, we agreed the time was right to book and plan our wedding. No engagement as such, no proposal. I waited until our silver wedding before I had anything that could be described as an engagement type ring. But by then I had a long, happy marriage, two dcs and a mortgage.
If you are not allowed to propose to him and he won't marry without a prenup, I'd certainly be querying his commitment to you and your child. Even when I was a sahm, everything was in joint names. It was a way to ensure that we were all protected financially should anything happen. If he won't do that for you and your child, his child, I'd have to ask why?

Emboo19 · 11/05/2017 17:23

And I'd be brutally honest, when he asks why you're looking for schools and a job. That it's because you can't rely on him to provide for you and his son! And that's what I'd tell anyone else who asked too!

Oly5 · 11/05/2017 17:34

Oh my word! He's got to be joking.
OP, I'm unmarried with children but EVERYTHING is in joint names financially, plus we both have life insurance and wills leaving everything to each other. I also work so have my own income.
And we'll get married in the next few years.
You're in a v vulnerable position. You need to have a serious chat. And in sorry, but a prenup is insulting to the mother of his child

TreeTop7 · 11/05/2017 17:50

He probably won't marry you.

Find a job and get your son into nursery/school. Can't do any harm.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 11/05/2017 17:59

You are in a scarily vulnerable position. He could kick you out in the blink of an eye if he chose to, or if he was killed in an accident his lovely mother could chuck you out just as quick. Not nice thoughts, but these things do happen, sadly. You have no money and resources to fall back on. Everything's on his terms, he does things or himself, not you.

Forget a starry eyed proposal with moonlight and roses. Tell him how vulnerable you feel and ask how he plans to resolve it - if he does. If not, you have bigger problems than the lack of an engagement ring on your finger.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 11/05/2017 18:05

Reality is you're probably better off being financially independent (and perhaps single) than married to someone who needs to be pressured into a proposal.

springydaffs · 11/05/2017 18:06

Tell him how vulnerable you feel

No, tell him how vulnerable you ARE.

Or better, tell yourself.

Sorry op.

magoria · 11/05/2017 18:08

I am sorry but as everyone else says you are screwed.

He has no intention of marrying you. If he wanted to propose it would have happened by now.

Things for him are more important, not even things for your family.

You, as in you and he, have NOT bought a house. He has bought a house. You have no claim on it at all.

All these years he has been working while you are at home he is building his work pension. You have none and you have no claim on his unless you are named on it. He could name someone else at any time.

Also all your job skills are getting rusty and you will have a harder time getting back to work.

He could re write his will tomorrow leaving you nothing. You may be able to fight to claim some for your child but what with and how if you are homeless and jobless.

If you split all you would be entitled to is the CMS calculation from him. Plus whatever benefits you can claim.

If you split up how will you afford to live and home educate? I think you would be better putting DC into school, getting a job and start to protect yourself.