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Original poster

AIBU to expect a proposal by now?

320 replies

DarwinChrist · 11/05/2017 15:22

DP and I have been together for coming up 6 years. We've lived together for 5 and have a DS who's 3.
I've been waiting and wondering if I'll ever get married. In the first year of our relationship he mentioned a few times that he wants to be married to me and have a big wedding etc. He talks about it now and again. But alas... I have no engagement ring.
He earns a good wage, we're very fortunate and living quite comfortably. He has said that he wants to save up a bit so that when we do get engaged we can start planning straight away.
I've repeatedly told him I don't want an expensive ring (I don't wear jewellery and have more of a simple taste anyway) and I've also said that I don't need a huge extravagant wedding.

What's bugging me lately is that he keeps saving up... and then buying something expensive for himself.
I know how ridiculous that sounds, because it's his money. But the first time he spent £4k on a car that he doesn't need, he gets a company car which he can use for personal use. He bought it so he would have 'something to tinker with on the weekends'.
Then he started saving again, and went on a lads weekend to Ireland.
Now he's saving so he can invest in his best friends nee business.

He has always given me the impression that we'll be getting married.

But when I have brought it up before his excuse is that he's saving for a ring.

I just needed a rant. Feeling a bit fed up.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarwinChrist · 11/05/2017 16:14

inniu that's why I said not sure how I'd feel about all that if that is the case.
It's basically being lied to.

Ok ok let's just say I DO propose... do I need a ring?

I really don't think that's a good idea though, in my situation. Not that I agree with him at all but he'd feel very "deprived of his manly duty"

OP posts:
Dozer · 11/05/2017 16:14

You are in a very financially vulnerable position. WOH would be adviseable.

Your DP must know this and not care: very unlikely he doesn't know the score. not a good sign IMO.

cestlavielife · 11/05/2017 16:15

So what if he won't get married? Then what do I do?

you decide to stay or not.
if you stay
you get a job
you become financially independent of him
you buy your own property and rent it out as a rental investment - you could move to it if needed

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/05/2017 16:15

He is not that into you, well not enough to marry you. If he wanted to do that he would have done so by now.

A job and separate finances are now necessary.

cestlavielife · 11/05/2017 16:16

if you leave
you get a job
you become financially independent etc

EweAreHere · 11/05/2017 16:16

He's very old fashioned.

hahahahaha

No he isn't. He's living with you and he has a child with you.

He just doesn't appear to want to marry you.

Ask him.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 11/05/2017 16:16

You need to get the house put into both your names, and you need to get a job so that you can be financially independent of him. How are you funding your pension at the moment?

Emboo19 · 11/05/2017 16:18

Did you give your ds his surname by any chance?

Was it a joint decision for you to be a sahm?

You're in a very vulnerable position right now, no legal rights to the house, no control over finances, and no income.
Do you get any tax credits and child benefit, if so are they paid to you?

Does he have life insurance? Who would get the house if something happened to him? He does realise if it's not left to you, his child could well be homeless, if he were to die!

You definitely need a conversation with your dp!

I'd personally be giving him a very small time frame to decide if marriage is what he wants. In that time I'd be making plans to return to work and putting aside some money. If he won't marry you, or offer you a similar level of protection legally speaking. I'd be ending the relationship!

HouseworkIsASin10 · 11/05/2017 16:19

Don't marry him.

He sounds selfish and is taking you for granted. Getting married will not change that fact.

You need to sort out your finances though as a priority.

ScarlettFreestone · 11/05/2017 16:21

Darwin

"do I need a ring?"

You are focusing on the wrong things here. You're past the "I'd like a nice proposal and a simple but romantic wedding" chat.

You are at the "do you love me? Do you want to protect me? Then we need to get married" conversation.

His mother doesn't like you- how fast do you think she'd throw you out his house if your DP died or was seriously incapacitated?"

You aren't his next of kin - she could keep you from his hospital room and exclude you from all decisions about his care.

BaggyCheeks · 11/05/2017 16:21

What can you do? Without wanting to sound harsh - get a job. You have no financial protection unless you marry him, even getting your name on the mortgage would be shaky ground if you're not seen to be paying towards it.

It does seem to be a bit of a case of "why do I need to marry her when she does all this for free?" (as it were).

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/05/2017 16:22

Darwin it really is time for a serious sit-down chat with cards on the table. If he's away for a couple of days then that gives you the headspace to work out what you want to say. And - what you want to hear from him.

Frankly, it sounds like he's fobbing you off - keeping that carrot dangling enough to keep you on board, but actually doing bugger all.

He doesn't need to save up, does he? The engagement ring doesn't have to be big (nor, indeed, does it have to exist at all). The reception doesn't need to be expensive (nor, indeed, take place at all). All that is required for a wedding to take place is a licence, two witnesses and an appointment with the Registrar.

"Oh my god if I proposed to him he would die with embarrassment! I often say to him he's come straight from the 50's.. very old fashioned."
Err - no, he really isn't. If he was he would not have countenanced sex outside marriage, a child outside wedlock - that is 1950's. What he is, is reluctant for you to take control of your own life. It has to be on his terms.

I would suggest that you point out that anyone can be hit by a bus, and if it happened to him then you and your child are up shit creek. His parents are his legal next of kin and you've said his mother dislikes you. So, his parents inherit everything, including the house you live in - what are they likely to do? Say 'oh we'll sign it over to you, it's what he would have wanted' - or, far more likely in my opinion - give you a week to pack up and get out of their house?

As a SAHM, you are financially extremely vulnerable. He needs to acknowledge that, and get his finger out.

Original poster
DarwinChrist · 11/05/2017 16:23

emboo yes DS has his surname. And I guess, I had a minimum wage job, he earns around 70k a year so we were able to. But because of our household income we aren't entitled to any benfits, just child benefit. He doesn't have life insurance though I keep telling him to get some. It's so cheap nowadays.

He would have proposed by now, surely? Like if he really did want to marry me, I think he would have by now.
This is gonna sound really sad but since our first christmas together I've been expecting a proposal, like 'ooh maybe he'll pop the question on Christmas day, or my birthday, or when our DS was born.. or our anniversary.. or our first family holiday...'
Kind of pathetic :(

I didn't realise this post would have me rethinking my whole relationship...

OP posts:
Notmyrealname85 · 11/05/2017 16:25

Agree that legally you're vulnerable and just day to day it seems like he's not prioritising you (fine you could propose but don't you deserve a nice gesture?!). Speak to him, and good luck Flowers

Dozer · 11/05/2017 16:29

Instead of wishing and hoping you should have been considering your and DC's financial situation.

If he wanted to protect your interests he would have married you. He is a high earner and knows full well that should you marry he would need to share his assets in the event of divorce, and wishes you to take all the financial risk.

It's shocking that he has no life insurance, so you and DC would be at risk of homelessness.

He is not "old fashioned", or you would be married.

Suggest a quick marriage to him: if he declines, you know the score.

MatildaTheCat · 11/05/2017 16:30

Make an appointment with a financial planner or solicitor and make him come with you and let them tell him in detail what the difference is between being in a 'partnership' or married. If he then refuses to either marry or put into place all the possible steps to protect you and your child I'm afraid he's playing you.

He may be ignorant of the fact that common law marriage doesn't exist. You need to get steely on this, all this wanting to do his manly duty whilst putting you in such a vulnerable discussion is bullshit.

Original poster
DarwinChrist · 11/05/2017 16:32

I feel really stupid for not thinking of all this before now.
I really didn't think about what would happen to us if anything happened to DP, but you're right on the money with regards to his mother. She'd drop me like a sack of shit.
We decided that I'd home school our son so we haven't signed him up for school. I can't really get a full time job right now.

OP posts:
category12 · 11/05/2017 16:33

You need a job and your own money.

Original poster
DarwinChrist · 11/05/2017 16:33

He has said many times that he'd never get married without a prenuptial agreement.

OP posts:
BaggyCheeks · 11/05/2017 16:33

"Suggest a quick marriage to him: if he declines, you know the score."

^ I'm inclined to agree with this. If he makes a fuss about wanting to have a big wedding, then he needs to start booking stuff. Otherwise you really need to emphasise the legal protections that you're both missing out on. Did you know that there's a Bereaved Parent benefit that he'd be entitled to should the worst happen to you? It only applies if you were married.

Mrswinkler · 11/05/2017 16:37

Never get married without a pre-nup...

This paints an even blacker picture of him. I don't think he wants to marry as you'd have a claim on "his" money. You are in an incredibly precarious position if these are the reasons for the lack of a proposal.

innagazing · 11/05/2017 16:37

He has said many times that he'd never get married without a prenuptial agreement.

Now you're getting to the crux of it!
Did he have a lot of assets/ savings before you got together?

Emboo19 · 11/05/2017 16:37

I'm sorry op, but I think if he was going to he would have done, yes!
I don't want to marry, my boyfriend knows this. Yet he asked, well.....more of a, we've got dd now, do you think we should or not. Still I got a lovely eternity ring and I know if I'd said it mattered to me or if it made sense from a fincial point of view, we'd marry.

Poisongirl81 · 11/05/2017 16:38

Not without a prescription nup? Did he put equity into the house?

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 11/05/2017 16:38

Hindsight is a wonderful thing sadly @DarwinChrist Flowers

Aside from the financial aspect which is a whole other thread on its own - even if he was now to take all this on board and propose, would it really make it all ok in your relationship?

He should propose to you because he wants to. You deserve someone who wants to marry you.