DS and friend experimenting

[lostmum1980]

Name changed for this.

My DS is 13 years old. I've had a quick look on his phone this evening and found messages between him and his friend that left me with no doubt that they have been experimenting sexually together.
DS friend is a year older and they have been friends since they were little. I think they've always got on well as both like to avoid the ruff and tumble of the other kids playing out and have never had concerns about them spending time together.
Friend has been coming round and spending time in DS's room since they were young.
DS's friend was actually here when I found the messages, so after realist that i wasn't misreading and it all turning out to be a joke, I went upstairs and asked him (politely) to leave. I was bloody shaking. I asked DS when he'd gone what was going on and he knew that I knew I guess by my face and that i had his phone in my hand and looked devastated.
He started crying and we hugged for a bit and I asked him what had been going on. He said he didn't fancy him but they had been messing about.
From the jist of the messages, i think they'd both kept agreeing it was going to be the last time etc but I think its been going on for about 2 months.
I honestly don't know what the hell to do now?
I've told him that I don't care if he likes boys, girls or martians as long as he's happy and I genuinely mean that but he's just too young for all this??
I haven't told his dad, I'm in 2 minds to. We are divorced but get on well and i'd usually always share stuff but this i don't know? I feel i'd be breaking DS's confidence before we've even started and it won't change the situation and I doubt he'd be of much help TBH
I don't want to embarrass him, I know he's probably mortified as it is but it seems too serious to never speak of again. Has anyone else been in this situation please??

@Dieu thanks for that. FYI I have not said that friend is banished from my home. I said that I didn't think they should be spending time together in the room alone with door closed. As far as I know friend is not even aware I know what's been going on. But thanks for your input.

Wow, such judgement! Wish we could all handle situations perfectly and with just the right level of sensitivity.

We are human. We react. Sometimes we get it right, sometimes wrong. OP is trying to get this right - there are no rule books.

I think you're getting it right OP - mostly because you're talking to DS about it.

No child or teen should ever have the expectation of privacy on their phone. Ever.

OP I think you've done very well here.

A phone is not a diary, it's a device that allows strangers to communicate with your child. Being a responsible parents entails keeping your child safe. Of course, every parent should check their child's phone and internet activity. OP I think you've handled the situation well. I have a 14 year old son and I would not think it appropriate for him to be performing oral sex on another person. Yes, we have sexual urges and I would probably consul him to wait until he was older and more emotionally mature.

Haven't read the whole thread op but understand how shocked you must have been. I think you have handled it well but agree with others about not stopping their friendship. I would still encourage the friendship bit just say that it is too young to be sexually active. I would still let friend round as it is obviously someone your DS trusts but door open, little interruptions to take up drinks snacks etc.

And also act completely normal with friend. Just as welcoming. It is better they can still handle out under your watch then be made to hang out else where without your supervision. I also agree with you about not telling his Dad and maintaining the trust you have with your son. You'really doing well Op

Thank you, I've told DS he doesn't have ton mention to his friend i know and he's still welcome. The truth is he's a lovely and kind lad, I wouldn't have expected him to be involved in any of this either?! I guess they all grow up without us realising

What is he going to tell the girlfriend and is she going to be tested for HPV, and possibly vaccinated?

Is DS going to be vaccinated too, after testing?

Both DS and the girlfriend need to be tested.

Have you told DS he needs to be upfront with the girlfriend about his sexual relationship with his friend? Because she needs to be told.

You've handled this terribly. You've basically ensured he will never speak to you about relationships against. Great job!

They vaccinate for HPV at 12 round here.

Wow vodka judgmental much? Sounds like her son is still talking to her and is grateful for having someone on his side regardless of what happens. I only hope I can have as much grace under pressure when faced with such a difficult situation.

Op sounds like a great mum.

Phone checker here too, that's the rule when they get one, no password no phone, finito!

Have you told DS he needs to be upfront with the girlfriend about his sexual relationship with his friend? Because she needs to be told.

And then she may feel the need to tell the whole school...

A couple of 13 year olds giving each other blow jobs is very low risk. He may not even be having any kind of physical relationship with his gf.

I don't think this is 'normal' at this age. It is not unheard of but certainly not normal. I agree OP, 13 is too young. I would certainly discourage my child from having a sexual relationship at this age. I would not falsely comfort myself in believing that it is okay or normal for a 13 year old to be in a sexual relationship with a 14/15 year old.

You've handled this terribly. You've basically ensured he will never speak to you about relationships against. Great job!

^^this

Your thread reads like a manual on how to overreact and lose your teenagers trust.

It is not a couple of 13 year olds. One is older. Blow jobs are not low risk. They spread HPV, which causes cervical cancer in women and cancers of the mouth and throat in both women and men. Cancers of the mouth and throat are on the increase partly thanks to ignorance of the dangers.

A condom will not guard against HPV. Unless a young person is vaccinated, all sex carries with it the risk of contracting or spreading HPV.

Does DS know for certain that his friend has not been having sex with others besides himself?

I am aghast at your idea that 'then she may feel the need to tell the whole school' is a serious reason not to give the girlfriend information she will need in order to make a necessary decision about her health. The girl's parents need to be told that the DS has possibly exposed her to HPV (yes, even through kissing) and that she needs to be tested.
They can then think about the vaccination.

Most certainly, the DS needs to be vaccinated, especially if he intends to continue having sexual encounters with boys or men, but also because he has already engaged in sex with another boy and because he may also or instead intend to have sex with girls/women.

Girls and women deserve all the information that is available in order to make sound healthcare decisions.

The DS should be encouraged by the OP to tell the girlfriend the truth about his relationship with his 'friend'.

To let him two-time her this way is awful.

He is not entitled in any way to have his cake and eat it where this girl is concerned.

I would be concerned about sexual activity of this level between 13 year olds. I would make it clear it was unacceptable. However I would also make it clear it is nothing to do with the gender of the other person.l, just that they are too young to be giving anyone blow jobs.

Oh and stick to your guns, OP. This isn't 'normal' experimentation. I knew one girl at school who was sexually active at 13. Most of us we're still reading teen fiction and dreaming about our first relationships at that age. Boys are no different. This relationship is inappropriate and potentially harmful to your DS, not to mention that you would have a duty to inform the other parents if you were allowing them to conduct a sexual relationship in your home.

mathanxiety - the HPV vaccine is given to all girls in school at the age of 13, unless their parents refuse consent. It's likely she's already had a first dose. You do realise gonorrhoea and chlamydia can also transmit to the back of the throat, I suppose? Chances of this teenage experimentation having resulted in high risk HPV infection, syphilis, gonorrhoea or chlamydia, to name but a few, though, are remote. It just goes to show that nobody should ever assume any sexual partner is a virgin, nor expect 100% honesty - do you really think his girlfriend would want to admit to him, any more than he to her, if she had given other males blow jobs before? As an immature thirteen year old, they would both have every reason to fear such information being spread around the school like wildfire if they started telling people about it. Your expectations as to the correct reaction are extreme and unrealistic, and strangely obsessed with just HPV.

I agree the HPV thing is a complete overreaction as is telling the girlfriend. I think DS friend should not be banned. Normal experimentation to an extent. I did all sorts of things at friends parties at 13/14. I would have been horrified if my mother had got involved.

The chances of the several things that could be caught may be very remote but they aren't nil and that there is little chance makes it all the more important that the health side is taken care of now to prevent worse in the future.

Give the immature 13 year old the information and walk through what he needs to do in this situation to keep himself and others healthy and safe in the future & how this is part of mature decisions. He needs to be shown where he can get tested, what can and cannot be tested for [to my knowledge there isn't a way to test for HPV in guys yet], and use this as part of the ethical conversation on the issues with the girlfriend as well as discuss what situations to get tested in & what protects against what because there is so much misinformation and excuses used for it.

It may be embarrassing and an incredibly awkward conversation but at least a print out of local sexual health clinics and stuff and ask him if he wants to talk about it with someone there who have seen it all and more before would be the next step I would recommend.

I agree, DN4 - there is a lot of ignorance. Since most people would be embarrassed to go to a sexual health clinic and ask for their throat to be swabbed for gonorrhoea and chlamydia, and would find a herpes outbreak around their mouth embarrassing, I would suggest young people should be far better educated on the risks of oral sex, rather than thinking it is safer because they can't get pregnant that way. So many people also fail to use any protection when engaging in oral sex, even more so than with vaginal or anal sex, making it even more reckless and stupid. It's not at all uncommon for chlamydia and gonorrhoea to pass from penis to throat to penis to vagina, etc. And you are also less likely to assume a sore throat is sexually transmitted than sore genitals, so are far more likely to keep spreading it merrily about for longer before you think to find out what might be causing your symptoms, if you even have any.

We know nothing of the girlfriend's vaccination status. She may or may not have been vaccinated. Parents can refuse consent for all sorts of reasons. They may want to rethink if they refused.

We know nothing about the girlfriend's past sexual history and it is not the concern of this thread. The bottom line here based on information we do know is that the DS is cheating on his girlfriend and not only that, he is potentially exposing her to a STD that can cause cancer. It is not strange at all to be concerned about a virus that can cause cancer. The idea that the boy's reputation should be protected at the expense of the girl's health is criminal. The suggestion that not talking is better than having gossip spread about is gobsmacking.

If children are too embarrassed or fearful about their reputations to talk honestly to each other about their sexual histories then they are too immature to be in a relationship together where at least one of them that we know of is possibly risking the health of the other. Nobody's best interest is served by allowing selfish, unethical behaviour among young teens.

It is time this boy starts to consider the ethics of the situation wrt his girlfriend. She needs to be told all the facts she might use in order to make a decision about the future of the relationship.

He might learn a useful life lesson - he is not entitled to have his cake and eat it too.

Condoms do not protect against HPV.

This needs to be emphasised.