DS and friend experimenting

[lostmum1980]

Name changed for this.

My DS is 13 years old. I've had a quick look on his phone this evening and found messages between him and his friend that left me with no doubt that they have been experimenting sexually together.
DS friend is a year older and they have been friends since they were little. I think they've always got on well as both like to avoid the ruff and tumble of the other kids playing out and have never had concerns about them spending time together.
Friend has been coming round and spending time in DS's room since they were young.
DS's friend was actually here when I found the messages, so after realist that i wasn't misreading and it all turning out to be a joke, I went upstairs and asked him (politely) to leave. I was bloody shaking. I asked DS when he'd gone what was going on and he knew that I knew I guess by my face and that i had his phone in my hand and looked devastated.
He started crying and we hugged for a bit and I asked him what had been going on. He said he didn't fancy him but they had been messing about.
From the jist of the messages, i think they'd both kept agreeing it was going to be the last time etc but I think its been going on for about 2 months.
I honestly don't know what the hell to do now?
I've told him that I don't care if he likes boys, girls or martians as long as he's happy and I genuinely mean that but he's just too young for all this??
I haven't told his dad, I'm in 2 minds to. We are divorced but get on well and i'd usually always share stuff but this i don't know? I feel i'd be breaking DS's confidence before we've even started and it won't change the situation and I doubt he'd be of much help TBH
I don't want to embarrass him, I know he's probably mortified as it is but it seems too serious to never speak of again. Has anyone else been in this situation please??

Op you are a great mum, I'm really impressed at how you dealt with this so lovingly

IMO 13 years old is too young for oral sex, no matter what the combination of genders involved. I would definitely focus on getting to the bottom of this behavior and open communication channels to ensure you and your child can discuss risks (physical and emotional).

As for phone, I assume 13 year olds have phones paid for and provided by their parents. As such, it is completely the parents' right and responsibility to ensure it's being used safely and that the child isn't being bullied/bullying or exposed to inappropriate communications. If my child when ready for a phone doesn't agree to that, then she's not getting one. Or maybe just a "dumb" phone with no internet.

A good reason to keep an eye on our children's phones at this sexual experimentation age is that they may be tempted to start sharing/asking for intimate photos.

This isn't unusual, just teach him the importance of safe sex. Obviously abstinence is the ideal however if he wants to do something he will, so just tell him he must always use condoms and get checked for STI's. Atleast there's no risk of pregnancy which would be an extra concern if it were his gf!

Italian greyhound - read the advice on whats 'normal' in his age group. Stopitnow promote understanding of how to protect your children on consent issues. It is not about being a cool Mum but avoiding imposing adult anxieties on young people. The section begins:
'It can be hard to acknowledge that all of us, even children, are sexual beings, have sexual feelings and are curious about sex and sexuality. Children’s curiosity can lead to exploring their own and each other’s body parts by looking and touching.'

And I do think a healthy relationship with sex, relies on us focussing on consent and boundaries rather than seeking to blame or shame. Otherwise we are like previous generations (and some crazies today) who sent young people off to be 'cured' or 'punished' for masturbation or being gay.

Info from Stopitnow.org:
ADOLESCENCE (13 to 16)
Common:
Will need information and have questions about
• Decision making
• Social relationships and sexual customs
• Personal values and consequences of sexual behavior.
Self stimulation in private is expected to continue.
Girls will begin menstruation; boys will begin to produce sperm.
Sexual experimentation between adolescents of the same age and gender is common.
Voyeuristic behaviors are common in this age group.
First sexual intercourse will occur for approximately one third of teens.

Uncommon:
Masturbation in a public place.
Sexual interest directed toward much younger children.

43 year old bloke here. Have to say same sex masturbating and possibly even a bit of oral with a best mate was hugely common when I was 12/13. The vast, vast majority weren't gay then or now. It is, as others have said experimenting, all your hormones are messing about, things start happening down below. I don't think anyone I know ever went further than that. Oddly enough, most of my lot didn't have penetrative sex with anyone until at least 17/18, some in their early 20s.

Although I agree that 13 is very common for sexual things to start happening (I did myself at that age) i truly believe that if op had said that it was her daughter giving blow jobs in her bedroom, people would more concerned on here.

Considering his sexual activity and having a gf, he's old enough to begin a dialogue with about relationships, intimacy and sexuality. You can not stop him experimenting (it's his body) but you can and should clue him on the fuller picture of his behaviour and the emotional and physical consequences.

I'm guessing his gf thinks she's in a monogamous relationship with your son and that clearly isn't the case and I don't think it unreasonable to point that out to him. Just because you haven't found any incriminating evidence about a possible sexual relationship with his gf, doesn't mean it's not happening.

My main concern here would be the type of information that your son is getting and by opening up a dialogue you have the opportunity to give your son good advice and support.

As shocking as this was, you now have an opportunity, don't beat yourself up about not knowing sooner, your his Mum not a bloody mind reader.

Agree this is very very common. Difference is most parents don't find out. Very unlikely to ever progress beyond this. Most likely to be a bit of experimentation.

And will people stop saying it is illegal, it is not. Penetrative sex before 16 is illegal.

Garlicansapphire I don't know what point you are making to me? I never said to make him ashamed? What has this to do with periods? This is not masturbation?

What does children are sexual beings mean? Does it mean they will grow to have sex? Or does it mean we should expect sex to be incorporated into their childhood? Or does it mean we are part of a species who reproduce this way and since it is fun (sometimes) children will develop an interest in it. It certainly doesn't mean to me that experimentation is just innocent fun and parents shouldn't be worried about it.

If your comments are helpful to the OP great. But I am not sure how that relates to my comments because my comments are my opinion, which you are welcome not to agree with.

Isetan it's not just his body though, is it. Although I do agree with all your other comments.

We may think children can do what they like with their bodies but the reality is if he were smoking, drinking or taking drugs, which are all presumably also very prevalent with teenagers (and their bodies) people may see that this could be dangerous for him.

Just because he can't get pregnant or get this boy pregnant doesn't mean he is mature enough to cope with the emotions of a sexual relationship with a very good friend while also dating a girlfriend. He may be a teenager but only just.

Of course this may be way more common amongst boys than I know about since I am not male. But I do think the OP is right to be concerned for her son's well being.

OP hope your las is fine today and that you can have lots of open conversations. Our dd is a bit younger than your son and it is very hard to have conversations that are open. I may express my thoughts here. amongst adults, but with dd I am just trying to listen to her and what she has to say.

I think parenting is so hard these days and just wish you all the very best.

You sound like a lovely mum

lad not las!

well for much of human history women of 13 were getting married and having babies, still do in some parts of the world

Yep, and for tens of thousands of years before marriage was invented, they were having sex and getting pregnant at 13. Because biologically, humans are sexually aware at that age. In modern society we do our best to suppress that, but it is undeniable. No amount of saying "but they're so young! they're just kids!" etc. can change biology. So while I do believe that we're probably right to delay these things for a few years nowadays, I also can't see it as ABNORMAL at all when kids give in to natural urges.

" I think there's a lot of ignorance on this thread. People not imagining their children have sexual feelings at age 13! It's just naive!"

I don't for one moment think my 13 is devoid of sexual feelings. There is a lovely happy look on his face when he talks of the girl he fancies. Not that he admits she is anything other than a friend to me. Plus he's been very keen on masturbation for a very long time. There is a massive difference between your own hand down your pants and someone else's. And I do, of course, remember being 13 myself!

I'm really not hung up on the same sex thing at all. This generation is very fluent in non-binary and 'love is love', which is fine by me.

We've talked about respect, consent, the importance of not being pressured into things you don't want to do. I've discussed with my children how my friends who had sex very early all felt they hadn't been in charge . We talk about porn and grooming. I've talked about the overwhelming intensity of the physical feelings involved in sex, and how you need to be mature enough to deal with them.

I think you are getting the wrong end of the stick, calling this a sexual relationship. It is the teenage equivalent, of small kids playing - you show me yours and I will show you mine.

I experimented with same sex stuff with friends. No way would I have called it then or now, a sexual relationship. I wasn't ready for that. It really was a bit of experimenting before I thought of having a boyfriend. I really think there is a lot of over reaction on this thread. This is all very normal.

What brasty said.

It may have been me who called it 'a sexual relationship'. This was based on the fact that they have (as far as I understand) a longstanding relationship, and it has now turned sexual.

If experimenting meant just doing something with someone you don't know and don't care about then maybe 'a sexual relationship' might be the wrong term for it.

I don't know, I think the OP will handle this well, I hope so.

I wish her all the best.

PocketPair although I cannot disagree that humans were having sex and reproducing at many ages for millennium, I think your view of it is a bit rosy.

You've only got to look at what happens to young women in many societies where they are married off very early. I think much of that is not about experimentation or sexual interest from teenage girls.

So conflating that biological factor with desire seems a bit simplistic, for much of human history women and girls had very little say in anything (as far as I am aware).

However this is about two boys and as I say not being male I've got no idea how that feels so I will bow out but wish the OP all the best.

I also agree this is normal, it's not a relationship, it's just 2 horny teens who trust each other experimenting.

"If experimenting meant just doing something with someone you don't know and don't care about then maybe 'a sexual relationship' might be the wrong term for it."

That's getting it completely the wrong way round! Kids experiment with close friends whom they know well and trust. If they were doing it with someone they don't know then that would be cause for concern.

Yes I would be very concerned if this was with a stranger. That would be very risky.

I don't think some people are grasping that the situations we are talking about happen within platonic friendships.

I'm currently taking a bashing (on the child development board of all places!) about what's appropriate and inappropriate sexual development, so can empathise with you to an extent OP.

I think you've handled it well so far.
Making sure he knows he's loved and can confide in you if/when he wants to, and giving him advice to keep safe.

Teenagers will experiment eventually, some just get to that stage a little earlier than others.

This parenting malarkey is hard sometimes isn't?!

Just a quick update... I've spoken to DS after school and I think he feels better now. He knows he is loved and that I'm only trying to look out for him. He knows that what he's experiencing is normal but I've asked him to just slow down a little and not to be rushing. He also appreciates that he could end up loosing this friendship if one of them begins to feel uncomfortable and that it's probably not worth loosing a good friend. We've spoken about his GF and that is in all cases he needs to respect the current relationship he's in and how he's not being fair on her. He knows this, I think he's got carried away tbh.
It's opened my eyes somewhat I can tell you!
Didn't sleep a wink and woke up feeling crappy! No one prepares you for your child growing up!

You sound a wonderful mum. You've handled this well, despite the shock.

He's a lucky lad.
You deserve some wine!

I agree, you sound like a fab mum and your DS is very lucky to have you