DS and friend experimenting

[lostmum1980]

Name changed for this.

My DS is 13 years old. I've had a quick look on his phone this evening and found messages between him and his friend that left me with no doubt that they have been experimenting sexually together.
DS friend is a year older and they have been friends since they were little. I think they've always got on well as both like to avoid the ruff and tumble of the other kids playing out and have never had concerns about them spending time together.
Friend has been coming round and spending time in DS's room since they were young.
DS's friend was actually here when I found the messages, so after realist that i wasn't misreading and it all turning out to be a joke, I went upstairs and asked him (politely) to leave. I was bloody shaking. I asked DS when he'd gone what was going on and he knew that I knew I guess by my face and that i had his phone in my hand and looked devastated.
He started crying and we hugged for a bit and I asked him what had been going on. He said he didn't fancy him but they had been messing about.
From the jist of the messages, i think they'd both kept agreeing it was going to be the last time etc but I think its been going on for about 2 months.
I honestly don't know what the hell to do now?
I've told him that I don't care if he likes boys, girls or martians as long as he's happy and I genuinely mean that but he's just too young for all this??
I haven't told his dad, I'm in 2 minds to. We are divorced but get on well and i'd usually always share stuff but this i don't know? I feel i'd be breaking DS's confidence before we've even started and it won't change the situation and I doubt he'd be of much help TBH
I don't want to embarrass him, I know he's probably mortified as it is but it seems too serious to never speak of again. Has anyone else been in this situation please??

I'm obviously nowhere near as open minded as many on here!
a 13 year old sucking cock is definitely not ok in my book.

Understanding that these things can happen is not the same as saying it's ok.

I disagree at this age the boy should tell his GF, his Mum has spoken to him and I'm sure will continue to reiterate. If this was an adult thread then of course I would say his GF needs to know but we are talking about young teens and this girl would, no doubt, tell everyone in school - this will leave him open to ridicule and bullying. It's just not the same. These are values the OP needs to instil in her son.

I disagree at this age the boy should tell his GF, his Mum has spoken to him and I'm sure will continue to reiterate. If this was an adult thread then of course I would say his GF needs to know but we are talking about young teens and this girl would, no doubt, tell everyone in school - this will leave him open to ridicule and bullying. It's just not the same. These are values the OP needs to instil in her son.

well you are making a whole ton of assumptions here about his girlfriend who OF COURSE will tell everyone in the school and the school who OF COURSE will ridicule and bully him. Can I buy your crystal ball. Or your "stereotypical high school" movie subscription?

Meanwhile I would like to instill values in my son that include the fairly critical one that if you are having sexual interactions with more than one person ALL of the people need to know - not just you. This could actually impact the health of his girlfriend. Her age and his age don't matter.

And yeah dementedma, a 13 year old sucking cock isn't on in my book either - don't care whether male or female. This thread is an eye-opener for me about how other parents feel about 13 years olds and sex.

I have a son, Round. He is 24 and we like and respect each other enormously. I have four DDs.

It is not who else the boy is giving BJs to that really matters here as a factor on its own. Who else his 'friend' is also shagging or giving BJs to that matters, and since this friend has been engaging in sex behind the OP's back in her own house with her own DS for at least two months now, there is no reason to believe he is an honest kid. Since he is 14 and engaging in sex with another boy there is no reason to believe he doesn't have ongoing relationships with others at the same time. Plus - experimenting; everyone is doing it, and it's fine if he has multiple partners, because everyone is doing that too.

This girl needs to be told the truth. At what age do we require boys to be honest with partners/girlfriends?

You are declaring that the boy is entitled to behave as badly as he wants with the girlfriend and not in any way responsible for anything that happens to her, from heartbreak to disease, because the alternative to telling her the truth is his embarrassment.

What a disgusting attitude.

No wonder there is a Relationships section here bursting with stories of women married to lying, cheating wastes of space who have no conception of personal responsibility or integrity.

I am not declaring any such thing, mathanxiety. I have made it crystal clear I think he should be told he must be honest with anyone he is having a sexual relationship with and should be told all about the risks of oral sex. I do not, however, think he should be forced to tell his 13 year old girlfriend if he is not engaging in a sexual relationship with her. Obviously she should know if she is sucking his cock, or planning to, but I see no reason why she should be told, otherwise, and there is absolutely nothing in this scenario to suggest that he is engaging in any kind of intercourse with anyone but his oldest, closest friend. I find your attitude bizarre, tbh. I would not expect someone to inform me of their sexual history unless I or they were hoping to have sex with me, and as his thirteen year old girlfriend, I would not be hoping for that, so really would not want to know whose cock he'd been sucking, thank you very much.

So the only sexual encounters this 13 year old has is with his "oldest closest friend" who is male. His relationship with his 13 year old "girlfriend" is utterly chaste. But the activity with his friend is "experimentation" and his mother shouldn't think that there is a strong likelihood that he is gay.

And if I were a 13 year old girl who thought that I had a boyfriend - presumably going out to the cinema, holding hands and maybe kissing, I would feel utterly betrayed and used if I discovered that same boy was exchanging regular blow jobs with his best male friend.

Someone should be explaining how relationships and friendships should work to this boy.

Saying this boy should declare his experimentation with his friend is essentially insisting he "out" himself

If someone is gay it should be on THEIR timing when THEY are ready
If they're not gay but pushed to "come out" about same sex experimentation then that could lead to other problems, because they'ld be coming out as something they're not.

it is NOT the same as an adult cheating.

He is 13 years old. He probably is as confused as hell. When I was 13 years old, there was no way I was expecting much from a 13 year old boy, so no way would I have felt utterly betrayed if I was not the one giving him blow jobs, just relieved I was not the one giving him blow jobs. The whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing for most children of that age is still more experimentation than serious. I would definitely have run a mile from any boy who told me about his sexual experimentation with members of either sex, assumingnthat this was a prelude to him trying it on with me.

Also from the girls POV

it's something I'ld want to know as an adult
as a 13 year old I don't think I'ld want to have to process it - look at this thread! Grown adults can't decide how this should be processed and you're saying that a 13 year old girl should be mature enough to know what to think about this.

A frank chat about relationships is needed. But nobody should be making this boy declare his experimentation unless he wants to

I am not saying he should come out. But his mother needs to talk to him about what is going on and that should include a discussion that it is essentially unfair to a girlfriend - even one age 13 - to engage in this kind of sexual activity with a male friend and still be in a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with her.

Reading this thread, I can understand why kids grow up to be adults who are shit at relationships.

If his relationship with his girlfriend involves him having to tell her about his boyfriend and supposed STI risks etc etc, then can someone explain to me why he simply cannot choose to keep his boyfriend and dump his girlfriend? Why is continuing with his boyfriend so pearl-clutchingly terrible, but continuing with his girlfriend but forcing him to do so in such A MANNER AS SHE HAS TO BE TOLD EVERYTHING INCLUDING BEING STI TESTED acceptable? This is atrocious double standards - either he is too young to have sex or he isn't. And if he isn't - which is factually, demonstrably the case, then why can he himself not choose who he has the relationship with?

Why is he not being asked to have the STD discussion with his boyfriend? If neither have ever had another partner then there is no risk. Or is looking at his phone to see if the answer is there in some way better?

Because it looks to me as though having to tell the girl anything at all is being used as a method of making him feel guilty, if not outright punishing him for having blowjobs with his boyfriend. He did it, get over it and stop trying to give him a guilt trip because you can't let go of your pearls ffs.

What a wonderful way to treat a boy just starting on his sexual adult life. Way to go.

On the bullying question, two boys were experimenting like this at the school I went to. They were bullied mercilessly, to the point that one of them self harmed and later attempted suicide.

So that was 30 years ago, but we've all seen enough news reports more recently to know that bullying is even more insidious via social media - and doesn't stop at the school gate any more.

I would not be telling anyone else, even the GF, about this unless sexual health tests raised a concern and that OPs son and the GF were in any way sexually active.

@Haffiana was that outburst directed at me or just the way the thread has gone in general

I really don't understand the argument that the son shouldn't tell his girlfriend. Are we not wanting to bring up our children to be honest? The boy should be told fundamentally that it is not okay to be having sexual interactions with other people whilst being in a relationship. If he is old enough to be experimenting, having sex and having a girlfriend then he is old enough to own up to what he has done imo. I would be encouraging my son to tell his girlfriend - albeit leaving out the details as this could lead to a potential for bullying. But she should at least be told that he hasn't been being faithful towards her! I know I would've been devastated at 13/14 if I found out my boyfriend had been lying to me and having sexual contact with other people.

For all anyone knows, if he is experimenting with his male friend - what is to say he's not experimenting with his girlfriend as well? I know when I was that age plenty of my friends were experimenting with their boyfriends/girlfriends. I honestly can't believe that people are suggesting that the girlfriend should be kept in the dark about this. No wonder there are so many adults that think it is okay to cheat on their SO!

It's not "dishonest" to be pragmatic about how much you share about yourself

Of course he needs to think hard about whether he's in the right place to continue with this relationship

But if SHE is sexual active with him then she needs to be taking care re sexual healthy anyway - you don't need someones sexual history to do that!

Really? He's found his first proper boyfriend and you've freaked out and banned them? If he is having a sexual relationship with someone his own age then he is in fact, not too young. Fine if you prefer them to not do stuff at home but really what harm is it doing? You are lucky because at least there's no worry about pregnancy! I think you overreacted and risk doing more harm by seeking to drive it underground.

But he was in a relationship with her whilst this was going on, regardless of their age! Of course you are not at liberty to share your sexual history with someone - but you damn well should if you are meant to be exclusively seeing somebody!

So if I was in a relationship with someone, went out and had sex with someone else, it would be fine to just be pragmatic with how much I shared with them about that encounter

So if I was in a relationship with someone, went out and had sex with someone else, it would be fine to just be pragmatic with how much I shared with them about that encounter are you 13 and stuck in the fish bowl that is the school system for the foreseeable future?

its not fine to have sexual contact with someone else when you are in a relationship

What is to gain from him disclosing this though? for the girl or himself

If he was gay AND ready to come out I would say help him to tell her, but right now we're balancing up the girls temporary upset with 2 school boys safety. These things do not pan out well when it becomes common knowlege at school. The other boy could turn on him for "outing" him too. Think it through… who benefits from this disclosure? nobody!

@ILoveDolly - have you even read the thread?? Please tell me where I said he was banned. I said I wasn't comfortable with him spending time in his bedroom with the door closed

I think he definitely needs to be given a chat about proper relationship conduct, but actually be allowed to resolve it in his own way.

I did read sorry but perhaps misunderstood some. Also there's a bit of a lag here internet wise. I did see that you told the guy to leave. I'm not sure how you would have seen it but it probably didn't seem quite so mild to him. I understand why you don't want them in the bedroom now except I don't agree that's the best way.

So we should be teaching our children that they should always tell the truth - unless there is going to be repercussions for them . At one point should they start being honest then? When they are 16 and in the fish bowl of college? What about 19 in the fish bowl of university? Or 30 and in the fish bowl of work?

I've just said he doesn't need to give her all the explicit details as that could potentially lead to bullying. He doesn't even need to mention that it happened with another boy. But he should at least tell her that he has been having sexual contact with someone else so that she can have an informed decision on whether she wants to continue seeing him or not.

It was 830pm anyway and a usual time to be asked to leave and as I said he was politely and no different from any other time

User I think you're right in a way aboht coming clean but you can't compare school to college or work life. There is so much more potential for harmful bullying at 13 about something like this than there is at 17, 20 or 35 and it's a bit silly to suggest otherwise.

At 13 this information getting out has the potential to really change these boys for life. Some people never get over teen bullying because they are not emotionally equipped to process it, in the same way that they are not emotionally mature enough to fully process the feelings they may or not have towards each other.

I was making a point about honesty Herewegogo.

He doesn't have to tell her the explicit details. He should be encouraging however to tell her that he has been having sexual contact with someone else. Doesn't have to mention who with or what gender they are. She should be allowed to make an informed decision and not kept in the dark about this.

How would you feel if your daughter had a boyfriend who she was potentially going to embark on a sexual relationship with at some point, and he was out having sexual contact with others?