DS and friend experimenting

[lostmum1980]

Name changed for this.

My DS is 13 years old. I've had a quick look on his phone this evening and found messages between him and his friend that left me with no doubt that they have been experimenting sexually together.
DS friend is a year older and they have been friends since they were little. I think they've always got on well as both like to avoid the ruff and tumble of the other kids playing out and have never had concerns about them spending time together.
Friend has been coming round and spending time in DS's room since they were young.
DS's friend was actually here when I found the messages, so after realist that i wasn't misreading and it all turning out to be a joke, I went upstairs and asked him (politely) to leave. I was bloody shaking. I asked DS when he'd gone what was going on and he knew that I knew I guess by my face and that i had his phone in my hand and looked devastated.
He started crying and we hugged for a bit and I asked him what had been going on. He said he didn't fancy him but they had been messing about.
From the jist of the messages, i think they'd both kept agreeing it was going to be the last time etc but I think its been going on for about 2 months.
I honestly don't know what the hell to do now?
I've told him that I don't care if he likes boys, girls or martians as long as he's happy and I genuinely mean that but he's just too young for all this??
I haven't told his dad, I'm in 2 minds to. We are divorced but get on well and i'd usually always share stuff but this i don't know? I feel i'd be breaking DS's confidence before we've even started and it won't change the situation and I doubt he'd be of much help TBH
I don't want to embarrass him, I know he's probably mortified as it is but it seems too serious to never speak of again. Has anyone else been in this situation please??

There was a mum on the teenagers thread recently whose son and 13 yr old GF were having sex - she got slated for not being a good parent. Its almost as if people on here are saying its OK because its 2 boys "experimenting". What if their peers find out? It will open them up to all sorts of ridicule (not that I think they should be made fun of but they will). Are they emotionally strong enough to deal with the fall out?

I would tell any son or daughter of mine that they should never assume anyone they sleep with or have oral sex with is a virgin and should protect themselves accordingly. Why the hell would you tell them otherwise?

Of course you would tell them that roundaboutthetown. But we should also be encouraging our children to be honest if they do something that they shouldn't be doing. (I am talking about having sexual contact whilst in a relationship, not the experimenting)

I honestly find it staggering that so many users on here are suggesting that the 13 year old should just keep quiet about this and continue to lead his girlfriend on and lie. All that is teaching him is that being honest is conditional, which it shouldn't be.

lostmum1980 At the thread!

As I said earlier my son did exactly the same thing at the same age. I know what it is like to be faced with the possibility that my son was not as I expected. That is not quite the right word, expected, but I guess you know what I mean. Now I know how common this is, as in fact several people with direct experience (rather than imagination) have repeated on this thread.

It seems so rare that parents can keep communicating with their children (look at all the MIL stuff on here which I think is a direct symptom of mothers not having any understanding of their children' choices). I was able to do so - it was probably luck more than anything, plus a rock of a DH who had been through it all himself and was shocked by nothing - and all through my boys teen-age years I was astounded by the fact that their friends parents knew nothing about the raves, the drugs, and all the rest of it. How can anyone keep a child safe if they are not informed? If they only rely on looking at a mobile phone to know what their DCs are up to??!

One of my son's school friends ended up at 14 (briefly, he was sent home fairly pronto) in The Priory as an alleged suicide risk because his girlfriend's mother claimed that he had forced her daughter to stay in a relationship with him by threatening to kill himself if she left him. The truth? GF hadn't dared to admit to her mother that she had carried on seeing him after being forbidden to do so because 'too young' for a relationship. GF's mother told BF's mother AND the police, and BF's mother had him assessed as a private patient the same day. I still wonder if she even believed it.

I have been reading threads on MN in utter disbelief over the past couple of days. Threads about online dating and how it's unreasonable to expect someone to not be shagging all and sundry for at least the first few months in fact it's unreasonable to expect someone not to be. And now a thread like this where all thirteen year olds are experimenting and this should be overlooked despite the fact that they're under age by three years because the experimentation was with a same sex friend rather than a girlfriend/boyfriend, and moreover, the fact that the boy is supposedly in a relationship is irrelevant and she doesn't need to be told since it's an expectation anyway and the girl is an idiot if she's not aware of sexual health at thirteen.

And people wonder why over 60% of the population cheat on a partner at some stage? It's very simple. It's because even as children they're not brought up to have integrity and to have an anything goes attitude to sex. The responsibility is the other person's after all. Presumably then the boy is an idiot if he hasn't taken his own sexual health into consideration

At thirteen sexual experimentation would not be ok, regardless of who it was with. And somehow I get the impression that if this was a girl he'd been experimenting with rather than a boy the attitudes on this thread would be vastly different. Something about under age pregnancy perhaps? Or would that be the girl's responsibility too? .

OP I think you've handled this brilliantly, fair play to you. As for some of the people on here who say that you shouldn't be checking your sons phone...how irresponsible they must be. Handing over a device that has all sorts of dangers and implications for a teenager and never even checking it is so utterly bizarre to me, I can't really get me head round that one

Your son needs to be aware of STI'S etc as the older boy could be experimenting with others. This is something all parents dread i think, unfortunatly it will happen whether u agree or not & they will find somewhere to do it so maybe sum up where you feel they are safest. Banning his friend could lead to others becoming involved, the boys mum may ask why he has banned or doesnt see your son anymore & your Son's father may also ask why he doesnt see his friend anymore. Bit harsh to say OP is over reacting, none of us know what to do until in that situation. Best option is asking for advice & that is what OP has done. Have u thought about asking nspcc or a family planning/gum clinic for advice?

Just wanted to say I think you handled it really well, OP. He's talking to you and that's the main thing.

FWIW, I started experimenting when I was 13. For me, the important thing is that he decides what he wants to do and shows the same respect for his partners' wishes.

*well you are making a whole ton of assumptions here about his girlfriend who OF COURSE will tell everyone in the school and the school who OF COURSE will ridicule and bully him. Can I buy your crystal ball. Or your "stereotypical high school" movie subscription?

Meanwhile I would like to instill values in my son that include the fairly critical one that if you are having sexual interactions with more than one person ALL of the people need to know - not just you. This could actually impact the health of his girlfriend. Her age and his age don't matter.*

Talking about assumptions. You don't know that he wouldn't get bullied etc., equally you are making the assumption that he is having sexual relations with his GF.

The fact though is that he's in a sexual relationship with his friend while still being in a relationship with his gf. Whether he's having sex with her is irrelevant here - if this was an adult would it e ok to be seeing someone who was also in a sexual relationship with someone else? I think not.

The simple fact here is that he's cheating on his gf with his bf. That's not ok whether he's thirteen or thirty.

It's not ok but he is a young teen and therefore it is different. His mother has already spoken to him about his gf, he is not being encouraged to continue both relationships.

nobody suggesting it be overlooked or he should continue with this behaviour

However if he outs himself he also outs the other boy, who may turn on him as a result

There are 3 kids to think about here, not just the girl.

If any of my daughters were sexually active I would hope I've taught them enough to not consider anyone guarenteed STI free, sexual history doesn't matter because safe sex is safe sex.

Yes that's exactly what they're suggesting. Moreover people are suggesting that the girl doesn't have the right to be upset if her bf so happens to be in a relationship (and experimenting is still a relationship) with another boy while claiming to be in a relationship with her, and that she's "an idiot" if she hasn't considered her sexual health, at thirteen.

And people need to stop using the "he might be bullied" card for excusing awful and unacceptable behaviour. Quite frankly, if he's old enough to be giving blowjobs to his best friend while claiming to be in a relationship with a girl then he's old enough to face the consequences when that information becomes public knowledge, and given the amounts of people involved he may well not have control over when or if that becomes public knowledge.

He doesn't have to out himself. He simply needs to finish one of the relationships. What he should be told is that if he wants to continue in a relationship with the girl, while "experimenting" (also known as having significant sexual contact with someone else), he needs to tell her what is happening.

He doesn't have to out himself. He could stop seeing the girl. He doesn't get a free pass on bad behaviour because he is 13.

I would also be concerned that he felt in any way pressured into the sexual contact with his friend so think a good conversation about consent and saying no would also be helpful.

Actually I think this kid needs a re-set - no more boyfriend/girlfriend/ blowjobs/hand jobs with anyone until he matures a bit.

I agree, Pallisers. Nobody whatsoever on this thread has suggested he should get a free pass on misbehaviour. It goes without saying that he should not continue giving his friend blow jobs whilst pretending to have a relationship with a girlfriend. What, however, is entirely unnecessary, is to inflict on an immature 13-year old boy who is only just starting on his journey through puberty and thus at a difficult and confusing stage in his life, a situation where he is forced by his mother to confess to a thirteen year old "girlfriend" to giving blow jobs to his male best friend in a situation where there has been no sex with the girlfriend and thus no risk to her health. Better to find some other reason to end the "relationship" with the girlfriend than to tell her he has had oral sex with a boy, which may or may not mean he is gay/bisexual/just wanted to know what it felt like and knew it would be wrong to ask her. Nobody's mental health or development would benefit from that sort of forced revelation.

I think all the relationship messages are a bit ott. Wouldn't it be enough to speak to your son about how he's treating his gf and how he'd feel if he was treated like that. Talk about stis. And know relation to his friend tell him they've gone a bit too far sexually given how young they are. Bit of kissing would be ok but full oral sex needs to wait a few years. So now you'll have new rules at home door open etc same as with opposite sex friend and you hope he'll stick to that when not being directly supervised.

Fwiw I think kids experiment as they mature and the less of a big deal you make over it the better. But at ghdn same time I feel it's good to keep the experimenting at a low threshold.

Tinsel, you posts shows exactly why this boy is too young to be having this sexual relationship. If he cannot handle the consequences, then he really should not be experimenting to that extent.

Good luck OP. I have no idea what I would do in your shoes. I don't see it as normal or acceptable behaviour.

At that age.

I agree with all those who are flabbergasted here at the shrugging when it comes to the issue of integrity. I agree with Pallisers that this boy may need a chat about consent
I suggested earlier that he may have been unduly influenced by his friend, and I agree with Pallisers that he needs to take a break from relationships of all kinds until he matures in terms of integrity and in terms of asserting his own limits with a partner. I don't think he is ready for any kind of relationship.

One thing is a diary - where you write down your thoughts for yourself to read, another thing is a phone, where you're communicating with other people. Much more dangerous and yes, children need to be taught the dangers. I think its more than fine to check. And I'm horrified that year 6s have group chats! I'm horrified they have phones - its not as if they go anywhere by themselves and need to contact the parents.

Don't be 'horrified' that y6s have phones because it's not 'horrific '.

@CEOD - My y6 DD has a phone because she walks home from school a couple of times a week / has clubs and activities- and sometimes contacts me from her dad's when she needs something. She also walks to school once a week with her friend.

Her friends all have phones. In 2 months she'll be in y7 - does it stop being 'horrific' overnight on august 31st?

Incidentally I check her phone regularly, see her messages, and often discuss e-safety. Her dad is on board too.

There are more horrific things.

Age 10-11 is fine for phones, and also for children going places on their own, within reason, imo. In fact, I would hesitate to allow a child that age to go places on their own without a phone, and since I feel it's a good thing to allow children to get places under their own steam at that age, handle money for themselves, etc., a phone goes with the territory.

Group chatting otoh - it's been my observation that they can't handle that at that age. Girls in particular are far too inclined to be extremely nasty to each other from 10/11 to 13/14, gossip, exclude others, bully, and engage in generally hateful behaviour.

I experimented with my female friends at 10.

Well they did me and I didn't really understand so let them. Kissing, fingering, rubbing ground together.

I never thought about it much but that's not actually that normal, is it?

I would make sure any contact they have is in a public room in the house. I'd rather them be supervised than sneaking off to meet.

But it must be quite distressing for him if he cried - does he feel coaxed?