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Original poster

DS and friend experimenting

275 replies

lostmum1980 · 09/05/2017 22:17

Name changed for this.

My DS is 13 years old. I've had a quick look on his phone this evening and found messages between him and his friend that left me with no doubt that they have been experimenting sexually together.
DS friend is a year older and they have been friends since they were little. I think they've always got on well as both like to avoid the ruff and tumble of the other kids playing out and have never had concerns about them spending time together.
Friend has been coming round and spending time in DS's room since they were young.
DS's friend was actually here when I found the messages, so after realist that i wasn't misreading and it all turning out to be a joke, I went upstairs and asked him (politely) to leave. I was bloody shaking. I asked DS when he'd gone what was going on and he knew that I knew I guess by my face and that i had his phone in my hand and looked devastated.
He started crying and we hugged for a bit and I asked him what had been going on. He said he didn't fancy him but they had been messing about.
From the jist of the messages, i think they'd both kept agreeing it was going to be the last time etc but I think its been going on for about 2 months.
I honestly don't know what the hell to do now?
I've told him that I don't care if he likes boys, girls or martians as long as he's happy and I genuinely mean that but he's just too young for all this??
I haven't told his dad, I'm in 2 minds to. We are divorced but get on well and i'd usually always share stuff but this i don't know? I feel i'd be breaking DS's confidence before we've even started and it won't change the situation and I doubt he'd be of much help TBH
I don't want to embarrass him, I know he's probably mortified as it is but it seems too serious to never speak of again. Has anyone else been in this situation please??

OP posts:
Original poster
lostmum1980 · 10/05/2017 17:24

Thank you bothBlushit's not easy but I'm trying x

OP posts:
justabout2016 · 10/05/2017 18:26

Just read this OP - sounds like he's lucky to have you as his mum!

Another one here who thinks checking their teens' phone is really important. Nothing at all to do with trust. I do trust them. I don't, however, trust bullies / paedophiles or gangs of 'professional' groomers.

Original poster
lostmum1980 · 10/05/2017 19:04

My thoughts exactly @justabout2016
I'm not ashamed to say that I do but seems there are people that think it's wrong.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 10/05/2017 19:41

Phone checker here!

OP you have handled this really well, I think you are absolutely right just to keep this between you and your son, growing up is tough and teens need someone they can trust to confide in, so at least he knows he can trust you and anything he says in the future doesn't always have to be passed on.

khajiit13 · 10/05/2017 20:10

Oh gosh op what a shock. I'm surprised at a lot the replies on here. I don't think having a GF at 13 and also giving/receiving hand/blow jobs from a male friend is normal or average at all. It's very common for kids to experiment but this could cause a lot of hurt and embarrassment for a lot of people. I think you handled it well.

anon1987 · 10/05/2017 20:18

Khajitt I'm sorry but I have to agree.
Despite what people are saying I don't think it's very common for boys to give their friends blow jobs.
I had a lot of male friends growing up, and I'd be very shocked if they did the same.

I'm going to have to ask my partner his opinion, I'm hoping he gives me the truth.

But I do think op handled it incredibly well and is absolutely doing the best for her son.

titchy · 10/05/2017 20:36

I can't quite believe some posters are saying this isn't a sexual relationship despite the giving and receiving of blow jobs - on what planet is that not sexual?

And no I don't think it's ok or cool at 13 - it's shocking. 15, 16 fine. Maybe even 14 within a long term relationship. But having oral sex at 13 - wtf? And I'm not remotely prudish.

Bluebellforest1 · 10/05/2017 20:42

OP, I'm the mum of sons, now all in their 30s. I know that at least one of them was having wanking competitions with his best mate when they were 14. Not a pleasant discovery I have to say but I never challenged it, and assumed it was normal. That best mate was my sons best man a few years ago, he and I had a great chat at the wedding, and I had a wonderful cuddle with his baby son. It's what boys do, and those of you who say "oh not my little boy" are very naive.
20 years ago I was a family planning nurse, and frequently had 12/13 year old girls with their 13/14 year old parners, coming into the clinic asking for pregnancy tests.
My best friend and I practised snogging together in the late 1960's, luckily no phones for our parents to check!

titchy · 10/05/2017 20:44

frequently had 12/13 year old girls with their 13/14 year old parners, coming into the clinic asking for pregnancy tests.

And that is absolutely tragic. Not affirmation that a sexual relationship at 13 is perfectly normal and nothing to worry about .Sad

TDHManchester · 10/05/2017 20:53

Well he might be homosexual,,whats wrong with that?

Original poster
lostmum1980 · 10/05/2017 20:54

I have to admit it do find it hard to believe that this is the norm, either now or in Years gone by. Despite many posters saying it's what happens, it's still a huge shock.
Having said that I don't have any brothers or close male relatives my age and it's not something that me and my mates ever talked about joking or otherwise!
I do however think that kids are exposed to so much more of the adult world due to access online within a fingertips reach.
I still don't find it ok tbh, but it's happened and there's no point sticking my head in the sand. I just need to keep on top of where he's at really and be there for him if he needs me

OP posts:
Original poster
lostmum1980 · 10/05/2017 20:55

@TDHManchester - where in my pp have I said there is a thing wrong with being gay??

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/05/2017 20:56

'My best friend and I practised snogging together in the late 1960's, luckily no phones for our parents to check!'

I thought everyone did that. We practised 'French kissing' because we didn't want to make fools out of ourselves when we did it with a boy for the first time. There was a lot of giggling. Thankfully no phones.

YY, a lot of the boys talked about 'wanking contests', which at the very least involved masturbating in front of each other.

Bluebellforest1 · 10/05/2017 21:04

titchy it was tragic, and so sad that they couldn't talk to their parents, and were terrified to tell them when they thought they might be pregnant, and had to come to a clinic for advice. We never ever advocated under age sex and always told young people the legal position. What I am saying is that it isn't uncommon (or wasn't 20 years ago) for 12/13/14 year olds in a small town to be having sex.
Not saying it's right or wrong, just stating my experience.

titchy · 10/05/2017 21:21

My best friend and I practised snogging together in the late 1960's, luckily no phones for our parents to check!'

And did you practice fingering each other too? No, thought not. Please let's not normalise this.

OP you seem to have handled it sensitively and without alienating your ds. Good luck.Flowers

Bluebellforest1 · 10/05/2017 21:25

titchy don't make assumptions about me please, because you have no idea.

Haffiana · 10/05/2017 21:40

The bit that makes my eyebrows raise is that the boy is expected to be emotionally mature enough to have a 'current relationship' with his 'gf' that involves him not being unfair etc on her, but he is not mature enough to have a relationship with his boy friend. With whom he is is quite clearly also having a current relationship.

I think you need to let him know that you will support whatever he decides. Because he WILL decide for himself but you run the risk of him telling you only what he thinks you want to hear. Then all you will know is what you find out through his phone.

29Palms · 10/05/2017 22:19

"I can't quite believe some posters are saying this isn't a sexual relationship despite the giving and receiving of blow jobs - on what planet is that not sexual?"

Nobody's saying it's not sexual - of course it is, that's the point! But it's not a relationship in the sense you mean. It's doing some of their sexual exploring within a platonic friendship.

It is rather different when it involves different sexes because there usually is a basis of sexual attraction there, so it is much more likely to be a "sexual relationship" in the usual sense of that term.

It's going to be very difficult to understand the difference if you never did anything like this yourself. As others have said, I did a little of this with my best female friend, we did do touching and fingering but purely to see what it felt like. It was more like a scientific experiment, it was without emotional attachment.

Annahibiscuits · 10/05/2017 23:03

My best friend from age 10 to age 15 was a bit. He was forever having wanking competitions with another friend. I forget the name of it. They had to dank onto a biscuit. The last one to cum, had to eat the biscuit.

I just used to go home!

Annahibiscuits · 10/05/2017 23:04

*a BOY, not a bit

mathanxiety · 11/05/2017 00:02

Why are we assuming the DS and his friend are not gay and that this is 'just experimenting'?

I think this is a different thing altogether from wanking contests.

TrinityTaylor · 11/05/2017 00:08

Being honest I snogged more of my best friends (female) in high school than I did actual boys, I actually think more of this goes on than people realise

expatinscotland · 11/05/2017 07:52

'They had to dank onto a biscuit. The last one to cum, had to eat the biscuit.'

Limp biscuit.

Maybe they're bi, math, maybe neither. Plenty of people have had homosexual relationships and then go on to then have long-term hetero ones. Or vice versa.

DN4GeekinDerby · 11/05/2017 12:53

There isn't much evidence that most people were having kids very young for tens of thousands of years, most evidence suggests puberty happened later [even just 100 or so years ago it happened a few years later on average than now]. For the time period we have records, for the vast majority of people late teens was still 'early' and communities with high early pregnancies now mostly have young girls forcibly married to older men -- and it has a far higher mortality rate alongside higher rates of causing some lifelong complications for mother and children. While some experimentation is normal at this age, and a few may be up for more, but normalizing certain sexual behaviours at this age doesn't really help anyone and makes it harder to prevent abuse.

OP, I can fully understand being surprised. I would be concerned about the weepiness when caught a bit if my own son a similar age didn't get emotional over everything at the drop of a hat. I would certainly have an indepth conversation about the physical health issues and ethical concerns [even if he isn't physical with his GF, intimate skin to skin with one person can spread things to non-intimate areas of others] and working on setting personal boundaries and consent with the difficulties of breaking it off and for keeping himself and others and relationships safe and healthy. It's unlikely something bad is happening now but helping him to create guidelines he can stick to in future may be helpful alongside discussing home guidelines like open door rules and stuff.

Dieu · 11/05/2017 13:34

Can't help but think you've handled this really badly, OP. Sorry. I can totally understand your shock and the fact that it's very young, but I dread to think how the poor friend must feel at being banished from your home. Maybe I'm delicate, as a neighbour's 14 year old recently took her own life, but situations and emotions have to be handled sensitively at that age. An adult's reaction can have a lasting impact. Hope things work out ok.